Thursday, June 30, 2011

Push, pull, push, pull

(C) Robert S. Donovan @ Flickr

7-р сарын 1

Сая Фейсбүүк дээр би хүмүүсээс "Та 2008 оны 7-р сарын 1-ний орой 19 цагт хаана байсан бэ?" гэж асуулаа. Бид юу болсныг санах ёстой учир. Тэр өдөр би 15 цагийн үед Азийн хөгжлийн банкны боловсролын READ төслийн даргатай уулзчаад Соёлын төвийн хойгуур Баянгол зочид буудлын баруун талд байдаг ажил руугаа алхаж явахад хоёр том автобус дүүрэн цагдаа Театрын музейн гадаа байсан. Бүгд нэг зүйлийг хүлээсэн. Стрессдсэн. Ихэнх нь цэл залуухан, дөнгөж л насанд хүрсэн үгүйтэй банди нар. Би ч юу болж байгаа юм бол гэж бодчоод ажил дээрээ очоод шигдэж авсан. Харин бүх зүйл эвгүйтэх үес буюу 19 цагт би ажил дээрээ сууж таарсан. Тэр өдөр нэлээд хийх юмтай учир манайхан 17 цаг гэж ажлын цаг тараад явцгаасан ч би сууж сууж гарсан. 20 цагийн орчимд ажлаасаа гараад дэлгүүрээр орж идэх уух зүйлээ цуглуулж байхад нэгэн эмэгтэй кассны хажууд миний ард байснаа: "Арай ч дээ. Арай ч дээ. Арай дэндлээ штээ. Хүмүүс лүү буудаж байна гэжээштээ" гэж палхийлгэдэг юм. "Юу, хаана, хэзээ, яагаад?!" "МАХН-ын байрны өмнө цугласан хүмүүс лүү резинэн сумаар гал нээгээд тархи толгойг нь задлацан байна гэж байна. Манай дүү сая тэндээс ярьж байна" гэв. "Бурхан минь гэж..." нөгөө автобус дүүрэн цагдаа тийм учиртай байжээ. 

Хүн өөрийнхөө үзэл бодлоо энхийн замаар илэрхийлж буйнх нь төлөө ингэж хүчирхийлж байгаа юм уу?! Сонгуулийн будлиан жил болгон л гардаг. Гэхдээ булхайцаад бас буудаад байгаа юм уу гэж огшоод ирсэн. Очихоор шийдлээ. Мянга мянган хүн тийш цутгаж байв. Хувьсгалын эхлэл. Хүчин мөхөсдсөн хүмүүсээр дэндүү дайжигнавал тэвчээр барагдана. Тэвчээр барагдсан залуус. Яг л над шиг. Чам шиг. Ухаантай. Сэхээтэй. Үзэл бодлоо илэрхийлснийхээ төлөө хүчирхийлэгдэх ёсгүйг яс махандаа шингээсэн залуус. Харин таксигаар дөхөж явахад талбайн хажуугаас эхлээд яагаад ч юм хоолой нэг л сонин болж эрвэгнээд... Тэгээд яагаад ч юм уйлж эхэлсэн. Зүгээр л нулимс асгарч байсан. Тэгээд тэр нулимс асгаруулах хий нь ингэж хол байхад нөлөөлж байгаа юм чинь гэж бодоод зогсолгүй цааш явж гэртээ ороод тэр оройдоо, шөнөдөө телевизээс салаагүй. Хамгийн сонин нь гэртээ очсон хойноо ч би уйлсаар л байсан. Тэр хүчирхийлэл, дараа нь тонуул, урлагийн галерейн галдан шатаалт, морин хуурын чуулгын дээрэм... 

Маргааш өглөө нь ажилдаа очиход хоёр хамт ажилладаг хүн маань "Тэр муу новшийн ардчилсан намын хулигануудыг баривчилсан нь болж. Хэн ч ингэж балмад байх ёсгүй. Даварсан юмнууд" гэж улайм цайм бидэн лүү ч хандан, хоородоо ч ярьж байхыг сонсоод ухаан балартахаа дөхсөн. Олон улсын байгууллагад ажилладаг хүмүүс шүү дээ, бусдаасаа илүү мэдээлэлтэй, сэхээтэй, ухаантай, ухамсартай байх ёстой хүмүүс нь ингэж байхад... гээд дахиад л баахан уйлсан, тэр өдөр. Би уураа барьж чадахгүй болохоороо уйлдаг байсан юм. Тэр өдрөөс хойш би тэр ажлынхаа хоёртой нэг их яриагүй. Хэзээ ч хүний хувьд ярих хүсэл төрөөгүй. Үзэл бодлоо энхийн замаар илэрхийлсний төлөө хэн ч хүчирхийлэлд өртөх, бүр тэр тусмаа хамгийн аймшигтайгаар амь насаа алдах ёсгүйг мэдэхгүй байгаа хүмүүстэй надад ямарваа зүйл ярих шаардлагагүй. 

Хар толбо. Түүхэн дэх хар толбо. Ард түмний урт ой дах тас хар толбо. Ардчилал, хүний эрхийн эсрэг хийгдсэн хамгийн аймшигт нүгэл. Угаасаа манай гэрийн утсыг чагнадаг байсан нь илт байдаг байсан ч тэр өдрөөс хойш хэдэн хоног бүр манай ажлын утсыг хүртэл чагнаж байгааг би, би байтугай бусад чагналтад өртдөггүй ажлынхан маань ч хүртэл хэлж байсан. Зөвхөн манай ажлын утас биш, бүх нийтийн утсыг чагнаж байсан юм билээ л. Айдас, хүйдэс... Хамгийн тод санаж байгаа зүйл нь зүгээр л бур ямар ч гэм хэнд ч хийгээгүй мөртлөө зүгээр л МАХН-ын эсрэг байр сууриа байнга хэнээс ч ичиж зоволгүй илэрхийлдэг намайг бас бариад авбал яана гэсэн утгагүй айдас хургаад. Тэгж тагнаж чагнаж баривчилснаараа ард түмнээ террорт оруулсан байсан.

Хойч үеийнхэн үүнийг санах ёстой. Хар толбыг бид арилгаж чадахгүй ч ядаж л юу болсон, яасныг бид санаж явах ёстой.

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Dislocation

Last Saturday I went out with Zulzaga. Disclaimer: nothing romantic, not interested in romance, or relationship, or even one-night stand or any(!)thing at this point. Just two broken-hearted individuals who felt ok enough to talk to each other during their hardest and darkest times. First we trooped to Flight 7:12, a live rock performance by various emerging bands organised by ArseholeForeverShite group NGO (surely it was a joke) - fantastic performances though, then onto the LGBT party. After weeks and weeks of going nowhere beyond the bare necessity, that was quite an undertaking. I don't want to even begin talking about four beers and their effect the next day - I have sadly become a very boring non-smoking teetotaller. Dislocation: I was trying not to mingle at the party, sitting with a few gay boys in the corner table next to the stage. I've never been much of a party animal, I usually skip them. Parties just ain't my scene. Even when I do go to parties, I am often hanging out outside on the fringes, smoking or talking to people. A fringer. All my group photos (the ones I've taken) show me at the fringes, never inside, never in the middle. I get claustrophobic in a small space, next to people I don't know and wouldn't most probably enjoy getting to know anyway, and no way of finding out whether I would enjoy getting to know them since it's often too noisy, too physical, too superficial. Anyway, as my bedtime came and passed around 11:30pm, I started inching closer to the exit, and in the process was caught by Zulzaga who made me sit at their table, the girls' table. Obviously some girls knew I began my transition because they were really looking-looking at me, while some of them didn't obviously want to share the same breathing space since they wouldn't move to give me a sitting space, so I panicked. I felt so dislocated. The same feeling I got a few days prior to the party when Baya asked how I should be introduced as a straight male to someone who needs some translations done. The same panicky dislocation. The same feeling of panicky void. And here is why: although all my life I've been a lesbian, and I am truly endlessly happy that I had finally begun my transition, to suddenly be called a straight male (which is what I am now, technically, since I am a man who loves women) or to be perceived as someone who shouldn't share the lesbian table... It was nerve-racking. I don't know whether that was really what those girls were thinking, but since I don't know them all too well, and they don't know me all too well either, it was easy to assume that they would be thinking exactly that: what the hell this transitional female-to-male dude was doing sitting there. I panicked and I got up at the first opportunity and pretended to go to the loo, but quietly fled.

PS: I tried contacting my mother. No answer. Dreamt she was dead last Thursday. Woke up scared, decided to contact her myself because I don't know if the freaky woman ever gave her my new number. The feeling of dislocation is a little stronger.

PPS: I just discovered a note I made on my mobile that night while still sitting at the boys' table.
"Some men are... men, I guess. They think they can take more space than they even need. This little boy who just sat down at our table pushed the table and pinned me to my side of the table. As I also sat down on the other side of the table, I know that actually there was ample space and no need to push the table pinning people literally. He did it deliberately while looking at me. And there is no one who witnessed this little incident. If I was one of those angry and fucked off dudes, I would've thumped him because he's really puny, half my size. A question: did he pin me to my side of the table because I still look female and being gay, they are projecting female-hatred that I've noticed many times in some gay guys, or is it just that he's simply rude? No idea. Don't like it. Other kids asked me about my transition though. Very cool."

Radiohead, Karma police + Fade out


Monday, June 27, 2011

Цаасны мянган хэрчээс

Хэрчээс - нэгийг үл тооно, бараг л үл мэднэ
Хэрчээс - хоёрыг бас л даана, жаахан ярвайна
Гурав дахаас арай л биш, цаасаа унагах ч
Өөрөө зүсээгүй л бол
Цаасан яргачин үргэлжлэн хэрчинэ
Хэрчээс - ойртоод ирэхэд "Боль л доо" гэж уулга алдана
Хэрчээс, хэрчээс, хэрчээс - ухаан алдана
Цаасны мянган хэрчээс үнэндээ нэг их өвддөггүй ч
Цаанаа л, ясандаа л янгинаж, зүрх зүсэгдсээр амьсгал хураана

The Rubicon

The point of no return. The final stop. Truth or dare. The very last drop of decency that I could've squeezed out just for the sake of something that was in my heart. Nothing more. Nothing less. I keep my records. They're written in the darkest possible blood that drips from a soul ripped open with betrayal. The point of going forward. The point of true colours flying boldly, crowding the bluish-purple asphyxiated me. Lying colours. Denying colours. Screaming and spitting colours. If only people knew your true colours. Just be honest with yourself, why don't you? But of course, honesty requires courage. You, the one who made me cross the Rubicon, don't have that. You, who made me cross over to the other side, have little beyond beautiful falsehoods. May your falsehoods serve you well on your journey that will bring you to this point again and again. You talked of patterns. You are the biggest pattern of my life: me, the one who licks the hand with the dagger, and you, the ones who wield the dagger. No more. The Rubicon's crossed. No more. Go in peace which will never be yours.

Saturday, June 25, 2011

"Boys don't cry" гэх мэт

"Boys don't cry" буюу "Хөвгүүд уйлдаггүй" нэртэй кино нь Тина Брэндон гэдэг жинхэнэ нэрээ Брэндон Тина болгон тонгоргож хэрэглэдэг байсан нэгэн транс залуугийн амьдрал, хайр, үхлийн тухай кино. Брэндон 1972 оны 12-р сарын 12-нд АНУ-ын Небраска мужийн Линколн хотод төржээ. Тэрээр өөрөөрөө буюу эрэгтэйгээрээ амьдрахын тулд Линколн хотоосоо нүүж, Хамболтод амьдарч байхдаа найз охиныхоо хойд эцэг, түүний найзад төрөлхийн эмэгтэй гэдгээрээ мэдэгдсэнээсээ болж хорин нэгхэн насандаа дэндүү аймшигтайгаар алуулсан. Харин 1999 онд буюу түүнийг бурхан болсны дараа зургаан жилийн ой дээр амьдралаар нь хийгдсэн "Хөвгүүд уйлдаггүй" кино дэлхийн үзэгчдэд хүрч, 2000 оны эхээр Оскарын шагнал авч байсан. Транс хүмүүсийн үл үзэгдэгч, үл харагдагч эрин энэ киногоор дууссан ч гэж хэлж болно.

Киног би 2000 оны 3-р сард Манилад хүн худалдаалах гэмт хэргийн эсрэг Ази Номхон далайн бүсийн санаачлагын хуралд суунгаа Филиппины анхны лесбиян байгууллага болох Can't Live in the Closet (CLIC)-ийн үүсгэн байгуулагч Анна Лиа Сарабиятай хамт үзэж байсан юм. Энэ бол транс асуудалтай тулгарсан миний анхны явдал мэдээж биш байсан. Арван наснаасаа хойш ухамсартайгаар өөрийгөө эмэгтэй хүүхэд гэдгээ мэдсэнээс хойш өөрөө өөрөөсөө ч нуусан байсан нэгэн нууц. Киног сүүл хэсэгт нь очиход үзэж чадахгүй нулимс асгарч ноль орсон ч тэндэхийн кинотеатр нь их боловсон, гарч буй киноноос хоцрохвий гээд дүрс биш байлаа гэхэд дууг нольд явуулахад чихээ дарж баахан уйлсан. Кино дуусахад л бүлцийсэн нүдтэй нолиос гарч ирсэн намайг Анна Лиа баахан гайхан харсан санагдаж байна. Дараа нь хэдэн жилийн дараа бас л түүх давтагдаж, Бямбахүүгийнд М-тэй үзэж байгаад бас л угаалгынх нь өрөөнд нулимсандаа хутгалдан киног бүхэлд нь үзэж чадаагүй. Тэр нь кино биш би, кинон дээрх үйл явдал биш миний амьдралын үйл явдалтай төстэй байсан учир... 

Энэ кино болон транс залуучуудын тухай би олон жил "Тэд транс биш, лесбиян л байхгүй юу" гэж хүмүүстэй маргалдсаар ирсэн. "Биш ээ, транс залуучууд чинь лесбиян л байхгүй юу" гэж үхтэлээ гүрийнэ. Учир нь би өөрөө өөрийнхөө транс байдлыг ч бүрэн хүлээн зөвшөөрч чадахгүй, лесбиян хэвэнд цутгагдаад, эршүүд лесбиян болгон над шиг өөрийнхөө бие, хүйсийг үгүйсгэн амьдардаг гэсэн тэнэг бодолд автсан байсандаа л тэр. Гэтэл амьдралын явцад тэр нь үгүй гэдэг нь тэр үед жил хагас найзлаад салсан байсан эмэгтэйгээсээ харж л байсан. Тэрээр эршүүд, надаас ч илүү эршүүд хэрнээ хэзээ ч өөрийнхөө хүйсийг үгүйсгэж яваагүй. Хүүхэд гаргачихсан эх хүн юу гэж л тэгэж өөрийгөө бодоо аж. Гаднаа их эршүүд ч үнэхээр жинхэнэ эмэгтэй хүн байсан. Эмэгтэй биетэй төрчихсөн л юм чинь өөр яах ч аргагүй, хэчнээн үхтэлээ өөрийнхөө биеийг үзэн ядсан ч ямар ч аргагүй гэж бодсоор ирсэн маань 2004 онд өөрчлөгдсөн. Японд очоод ЛГБТ хүмүүсийнхээ дунд ороод, тэр дундаа транс залуучуудтай танилцаж эхэлсэн маань 2004 оны зун. Анараа бол өөрийнхөө биеийг үгүйсгэдэг, эмэгтэй гэдгээ үзэн яддаг, байнга эр сүвтэн байна гэж өөрийгөө зүүдлэдэг эршүүд лесбиян биш, харин трансжендэр залуу юм байна гэдгээ тэгэхэд би гүн бат ойлгосон. Бүх зүйл ойлгомжтой болж, дааврын эмчилгээнд орохоор ч шийдсэн байсан үе. Мэдээж шийдвэрээ тэр үед би биелүүлж чадалгүй 21 хоногийн өмнөөс л гүйцэлдүүлж эхэлсэн. Хүйс хэмээх өөрийнхөө мөн чанарын тулгуур нэгэн хэсгийг үзэн ядна, өөрийнхөө биеийг үзэн ядна гэдэг тийм амар зүйл биш. 19 настайд минь хүмүүс "Чи эмэгтэй хүмүүст хайртай юм уу, тээ? Харин харваас байсан юм аа. Тэгвэл чи энийг унш, энийг өмс, энийг сонс" гэж лесбиян хэвэнд цутгаагүй байсан бол, АНУ эсвэл аль нэг арай л транс хөдөлгөөн илүү хөгжсөн газар байсан бол энэ жил биш, бүр арван дөрөв, таван жилийн өмнө шилжилтээ эхлэх байсан. Гэлээ гээд оройтох зүйлгүй. 

Гурван долоо хоногийн өмнө Анна Лия надад "Чи гучин хэдэн жил эмэгтэй хүнээр амьдарсан юм чинь их сайн, жинхэнэ эр хүн болж чадна" гэж имэйл бичсэн байсан. Мэдээж тэр кино үздэг шөнө түүний толгойд орж ирээ. Анараа өөрийгөө үгүйсгээд, өөрийгөө бүрэн хүлээн зөвшөөрч чадаагүйдээ транс хүмүүсийг үхэн хатан үгүйсгэдэг байсан юм байна гэдгийг ойлгоо. Эцэст нь хэлэхэд хүйсийн баримжаа илэрхийлэл гэдэг зүйлийн тухай бид дөнгөж өнгөрсөн зуунаас эхлэж л ойлгож эхэлсэн ч, хүйс нь солигдоод төрсөн хүмүүс байсаар л байсан. Хүн өөрийгөө хэрхэн мэдэрч байгааг нь хүндэтгэлгүйгээр бид хүн төрөлхтөний хувьд ургашлахгүй шүү гэж.

Thursday, June 23, 2011

Theory number 16

First, transition update. Day nineteen today. Fluid retention was solved the very night I wrote my previous blog entry: I got my period. Really very light, but period nonetheless. Obviously the doc was right in having prescribed the half-doses, will be getting my second T shot early next week, and then full doses after that. Hopefully it'll stop then. Annoying. Of course it is the whole body process, you can't expect such drastic change so fast, but it was more of a wishful thinking and hoping on my part than a real expectation that my periods would stop right from the beginning. If I keep getting it in a few months, a proper consultation with a gyno will be required. Which means I will be doing most of the explaining as to why I should not be getting my period, hopefully whoever the gyno I find would not be transphobic. I've also begun drinking much more water and herbal teas, apparently helps, had less swelling since yesterday. 

One more small discovery, T-related. I had a chance yesterday to catch up with two great human rights colleagues who work for human rights in the global sense. It was really lovely to catch up with them, share the developments in our lives in three different parts of the world. Of course, I was drinking beer, and I just couldn't resist two cigarettes, bumming them off Rob. And I woke up with a sore throat again. Just like the last time I had a beer with Baya and could not resist and had three cigarettes, which resulted in a very sore throat the next day that became cold. I am now fairly certain that somehow tobacco really irritates my throat that must be undergoing the changes due to the T. Pre-T, I was a smoker for 13 and a half years since 21 and I never had a problem. If I did, the sooner I would've stopped. But now that I've ascertained this fact more or less scientifically, that was the last batch of cigarettes I'd ever smoked in my life. 

Onto the theory: just witnessed a drama. Baya's boyfriend of four years came by around noon, drunk and reeking of vodka at noon, which means the drinking would've started early in the day, perhaps as soon as he woke up. Told Baya to go and clear their place of his things, that he was ending the relationship. Accused Baya of ridiculous things that only very disturbed people may be able to imagine. Went on awhile. Very disturbing. He tried to get me involved in the whole thing, of course I refused, but told him that he did have a drinking problem that he has to take care of. Very, very disturbing. Theory number 16: no matter how much love there may be, or might have been, when the relationship becomes a mutual destructive addiction and a vicious cycle of the patterns repeating themselves, it must be let go of. As simple as that. As sad as that. 

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Day seventeen

Arrrggghhhhhhh... Still no hot water. Still doing the ice-cold rub-rub in the mornings. It's been more than a month without hot water. If there is no hot water by 30 June, I will scream my head off at some municipal people. There is no way around the cold water any more. Especially now that my facial oil had increased five-fold. Literally an hour after I've washed my face - anti-bacterial, anti-acne soap, no less - it drips oil. Frequent washing of my face is resulting in my cheeks growing drier, with the most prominent part of the cheekbones increasingly acquiring parchment-like quality, while the rest of my face's getting oilier. So I'm getting acne. I used to get pimples from time to time, during the hottest periods of summer when the temperature would hit forties, but it's not even hot yet, not even in the vicinity of hot, an average nice day temperature this summer hovering around 25C, but I have a faceful of pimples. My head as well, starting from the hairline. I never had acne when I was going through puberty the first time around. As much as I hated the puberty with its various growths and freaky monthly bloods, I didn't have acne. Now I do. What fun. Beyond the body odour, there is the wee smell. Man, I never realised men had such stinky wee. Stinky wee I have now, too. It really does smell. And it ain't due to any change in the diet, mind you. Noticed the last 3-4 days some water retention, nothing I can't handle. Most probably I'm not drinking enough water is all. The feeling of happiness and ease persists.

Monday, June 20, 2011

Онол номер 15: хүний тархины хүйс бичсэн зүйлээс илэрнэ

Их сонин, бас сонирхолтой зүйл өнөөдөр олж уншлаа. Миний онол биш ч онолуудынхаа тоонд шууд орууллаа. Эрэгтэй, эмэгтэй хүмүүс ялгаатай гэдэг нь ойлгомжтой. Тэр нь зөвхөн биологийн ялгаа юу
(жишээ нь нөгөө л тархинд даавар хэрхэн нөлөөлдөг тухай транс хүмүүсийн үүх түүхээс уншихад хангалттай)
эсвэл нийгэмшлийн ялгаа юу, эсвэл аль аль нь уу гэдэг тухай нейрофизиологичид
(транс хүмүүсийн тархины бүтэц өөрийгөө тодорхойлдог хүйсийнхтэй нь адил байдаг буюу транс эрэгтэй байлаа гэж бодоход сиз эрэгтэй хүнийх шиг тархины бүтэцтэй, харин транс эмэгтэй байхад сиз эмэгтэйн тархины бүтэцтэй ижил байдаг гэсэн маш олон судалгаа байдаг)
биологичид
(тэдний судлагдахуун маш сонирхолтой: ихэнх эмэгтэйчүүд XX, харин эрэгтэйчүүд XY хромосомтой байдаг ч түүний хажуугаар XO эмэгтэйчүүд, XXX эмэгтэйчүүд, XY эмэгтэйчүүд буюу Свайэрын синдром бүхий эмэгтэйчүүд, XXY буюу Клайнфелтерийн синдром бүхий эрэгтэйчүүд, XYY буюу супер эрэгтэйчүүд байдгийг тэд судладаг),
нийгэм судлаачид, феминистууд
(биологийн өгөгдөхүүн бол хувь заяа биш гэдгийг тэд 40 жил хашгирсны үндсэн дээр эрэгтэй эмэгтэй хүмүүсийн ялгаа нь "зүй ёсны" ялгаа бус, ялгаварлалын үндэс болох ёсгүйг дөнгөж хүмүүс ойлгож эхлэж байгаа),
транс хүмүүс маргасаар.

Харин хэдэн жилийн өмнө Израилийн нэгэн дээд сургуульд хүний бичсэн зүйлээс тухайн хүн эр, эм аль нь болохыг мэдэх арга зүйг боловсруулсан байх юм. Бас адил судалгааг сүүлд АНУ-д хийсэн байна. Мэдээж 100% баталгаатай зүйл биш ч эрэгтэй хүмүүс нийгэмшлийнхээ явцад ямар үг хэллэгийг яаж хэрэглэдэг, эмэгтэй хүмүүс мөн л нийгэмшлийнхээ явцад ямар үг хэллэгийг хэрхэн хэрэглэдгээр нь бичиж буй хүний хүйсийг тодорхойлж болно гэж үзсэн арга байна билээ. Сонирхолтой нь алдартай зохиолчдын зохиолд хүйс шинжээчээр шинжилгээ хийхэд хэчнээн эрэгтэй хүний нэрээр зохиолоо бичсэн байсан ч тухайн зохиолчийг ерээс илүү хувийн магадлалтайгаар эмэгтэй гээд, харин эмэгтэй хүний нэрээр бичсэн байсан зүйлийн зохиолч нь эрэгтэй байсан бол эрэгтэй гээд гаргаад ирсэн гэж New Scientist дээр бичсэн байх юм. Тэгэхээр мэдээж бидэнд бэлгийн хүйс, нийгмийн хүйс байдагтай адил тархины ч хүйс байдаг ба тэр нь хүний бичсэн зүйлээс илэрдэг гэнэ. Монголын хэл шинжээч, судлаачид ийм судалгаа хийвэл бас л сонин үр дүн гарах боломжтой.

PS: Би англиар бичсэн зүйлсээ хүйс шинжээчээр шүүлгэхэд ганц хоёр бичлэгээс гаднах бүх бичлэгийг маань "эрэгтэй хүн" бичсэн гэж гарчээлээ. Сонин л санагдав. Шинжлэх ухаан аа гэж...

Theory number 14: love is the only thing left to give when you have nothing else

Love is a beautiful thing. It can make you blossom into the most delectable creature on the planet - for the one in love with you. Love is a scatterbrain thing. It can make you forget all the normal human responses to ordinary stimulae, such as grabbing your belongings when you exit a public transport. Love is a vicious thing then. Love is also an unbearable thing when you love someone, but are not loved back. Love is a fickle thing because you may love the soul, but not the body of the person. Or vice versa. Or you can grow out of it. Or they can grow out of it. So love has sizes. It is impermanent as all things are. It is a blind thing, but rarely ever is it lacking in olifactory senses. If someone smells off, one can hardly fall in love with them. Unless and until the lover's sense of smell is atrophied to the level of inexistence. Love is many things at once. But this is for certain: love is the only thing left to give when you have nothing else.

Saturday, June 18, 2011

Өдөр 14

Хааяа бас монголоор шилжилтийнхээ апдэйт бичиж байя гэж бодов. Өнөөдөр дааврын эмчилгээ эхэлсний арван дөрөв дэх хоног. Өнгөрсөн хагас сайнаас ханиад хүрсний хүчинд биеийнхээ өөрчлөгдсөн үнэрийг бараг долоо хоног мэдэрсэнгүй. Хамар онгойгоод ирэхээр чиг л бас... Гарын алгаас үнэртдэг хөлсний маань үнэр хүртэл шал өөр болчихсоныг би гайхаад л сууж байна. Байн байн өөрийнхөө арьсыг үнэртээд л. Нохой шиг үнэрчийг ч хэлэх үү. Өөрийн үнэр өөрчлөгдөхөд ийм мэдрэг, эмзэг хүлээж авч байгаа юм чинь амраг хайрт бүр л хүндээр хүлээж авах нь ээ дээ. Өөрчлөлтүүд гэвэл бага багаар бүх зүйл явж л байх шиг байна. Биеийн үнэрээс гадна хамгийн их мэдрэгдэж буй өөр нэг зүйл нь сэтгэл санаа. Их тайван болж байна. Өөрт мэдэгдэхүйц. Нэг найзтайгаа хамгийн сүүлд гурван сард уулзсан байсан юм, Нью Йоркт. Тэр өнгөрсөн долоо хоногт намайг харж харж "Чи үнэхээр тайван болчиж, мэдэгдэж, мэдрэгдэж байна" гэсэндэг. Хуучин хайрт, амрагууд бүгд л сайн сайхныг хүссэн ч нэг нь таг. Ихэнх нь мэдэж байсан мэт. Мэдэхгүй ч гээд яалаа. Угийн л ойлгомжтой л байсан зүйл. Зарим нь намайг өөрөөр минь байлгахгүй гэж гүрийдэг байсан. Угийн л нэлээд пээдгэр, эршүүд алхаа гишгээ, биеийн хөдөлгөөнийг минь "Чамд зохихгүй байхад" гэнэ. Шулуун гүдэс занг маань "Яг эрэгтэй хүн шиг аашлахаа боль" гэнэ. "Зөвхөн тэдний хэм хэмжээнд таарах үед чамайг хайрлаж байсан нь чамд жинхэнэээсээ хайртай байсны шинж үү?" гэж би өөрөөсөө асууна. Хүн өөрийгөө мэдэрч байгаагаараа байх шиг жаргал үгүй. Хаана ч, хэзээ ч. Хэн нэгэнд хайрлагдахын тулд өөрийнхөө мөн чанараар байж чадахгүй байснаас бүх насаараа гомбын гозон толгой явсан нь дээр.

Friday, June 17, 2011

Human Rights Council, et cetera

Where shall I start. Today's an historic day for the queer people around the world: the Human Rights Council passed a resolution about two hours ago to investigate globally into the human rights violations against lesbians, gays, bisexuals and transgender people. It's the first of its kind, and it is a landmark resolution. We really hoped Mongolia would co-sponsor the resolution, but we're not yet fully sure whether it did. Even if it did not, it can still co-sponsor the resolution even after the vote tonight (this morning in Geneva ). The National Human Rights Commission of Mongolia was operative in ensuring the Ministry of Foreign Affairs was appraised of the vote taking place. The UN Acting Resident Coordinator had also urged Mongolia to co-sponsor this landmark resolution. Definitely the first. So more work to be done from next week since Mongolia can not undertake promises at the Universal Periodic Review, pass a government resolution to implement UPR recommendations that mention specifically addressing non-discrimination against LGBT people (passed on 18 May 2011), and then not show a strong support on the international scene. 

The et cetera part: day thirteen already! Can't say I am noticing any more changes than I've already spoken about previously. Except no more headaches now, or maybe I just do not notice them at all. Ah yeah, a strange thing: I am much more alert when I wake up. I mean, I am up and rearing to go the second I wake up, exquisitely awake. As opposed to my usual morning ordeal: wake up, roll over, sigh, roll over, wish for more sleep, roll over, open my eyes, close my eyes, stay still, drift in and out of sleep, alarm, wake up, roll over, etc. Also my appetite is truly voracious, have been truly hungry. My cold's pretty much gone, thankfully, but with that, this new me smell came back, obviously. It's so different. It really is. Ah, got my chest binder from the T-Kingdom, Taipei (high five, guys!) yesterday. Very comfortable. Fits well. Worth the extra I had to shell out to exchange for a better fitting one (for the postage of the item, not for the exchange per se). Should give them advice as to the measurement description though, confused the hell out of me the first time. The effect: not as flat as when I get it when I bind it with bandages, but quite good. Considering the size of my chesticles, it looks pretty ok, I'd say. Plus it's a lot more comfortable than bandages that can ride up and down, or even unravel at the most inconvenient time. Been trying to get as much information as possible on changes described by guys who are on the same T that I am on. One of them said that he felt like mooing like, you know, a cow, and if anyone else had such a feeling. And then it hit me: the throat constriction feeling I had the first few days, clearing my throat all the time and making kind of like "Ooo" sound, which is pretty much a moo without an 'm', that was it!

My bro dropped by with his girl to get the further details a few days ago. He looked a bit apprehensive, and he was listening hard to my voice, but hey, can there be so much change in 10 days as such?! Don't think so. I'm simply thinking he realised that once it's done, there is no turning back, that it's final. Sure, some people may find after the HRT began that their gender dysphoric feelings had really nothing to do with their gender identity as such, or that after all, they could not pass the "real life test", and they've been known to stop. But for me, this is it. I could never go back.

And that's pretty much it. At this point. Oh, I realised that some people had un-friended me on Facebook that I've only begun using recently, like two and a half months ago. Won't name names, but that kinda really bothered me, it did. To simply judge someone like that without even bothering to see where they are coming from...To be so sure of their judgement, too. Made me curiously aware that it's only the first wave of such rejection. With many more waves to follow, most probably.

PS: Just saw official press releases - Mongolia had not signed as a co-sponsor. Annoying. A step forward, two back. A delicate dance. Which should not be so delicate. Once you make a commitment, you make it. End of the story.

Ерөөл via Uyanga Ch

Үзэл нь зөв, үг нь үнэн, үйл нь шударга байг ээ.

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Rain, dreams, etc.

The rain had not stopped all night, it's still murmuring its tales outside. Thousands and millions of droplets hitting the ground, the roofs, the surface of everything make a beautiful liquidy music. It will continue today, perhaps even tomorrow from the looks of it. Yes, I still do spell rain. Or maybe it is less than that. Maybe I am just simply deeply attuned with the weather that I can forefeel it. Definitely with the rain. Something I had discovered back in 2002, and got a proof for in 2004. Rainspeller.

Dreamt of one of my exes last night, just remembered. She was so beautiful before she started doing things to her face, changing it surgically. Getting home was undull with her. And she was so beautiful. At least externally. But she wanted more. She was quite short, and so she used to say that she will get surgery to lengthen her legs as well. Eyelids, lips, and legs. She never went through with the leg part. Don't know why. Perhaps her new girlfriend is not much taller than her. The dream: I am in a small self-service cafeteria ordering some food, and she is there next to me. I ask her if she's hungry, she shakes her head no. I take my food and start walking to the back of the cafe. She follows. She says that she has broken up with her girlfriend. Somehow I know that already. In my dream reality, her girlfriend called me and said that she was breaking up with her. And for me to take her back. As if. Do you have a place to live in? No. I am renting a studio room with nothing in it, but you're welcome to stay awhile till you figure out your further situation. Thanks. I see a glimmer of hope and joy in her eyes. Never. I shudder in my dream thinking back on all those instances of violence she had inflicted on me. She was violent. She thought nothing of strangling me one minute - and there was nothing I could do with a failing breath and passing out - and swearing her undying love for me the next. My friends thought it was a miracle I was alive after a year of violence. They kept fearing a phone call with the news that I was dead at her hands. The only thing I missed about her all these years was her original uncut face. As soon as the violence began six months into the relationship, she started cutting her face, making it "better". Wonder what she's changed with the woman she is with now and whom she is violent to "on occasions", in her own words. 

My cold's quite settled in. As in, here to stay. Feeling much better than I did a few days ago, although I don't sound or look it. Still no hot water. Time to go out and spread the germs.

Before I go out to spread the germs: not much to update in terms of the HRT. It's only day ten. I guess.

Monday, June 13, 2011

Цам, 1928 он

Саяхан баахан түүхэн ба уламжлалт хувцас гоёл, энэ тэр гэсэн зүйлд умбаад. Түүнийхээ дагуу баахан зүйл уншиж үзэв, тэгээд санаандгүй 1928 онд Бурядын цам харайх ёслолыг кино хальснаа буулгасныг олж харав. [харамсалтай энэ видео YouTube-д байхгүй болсон бололтой]

Цам харайх гэдгийг манайхан хэр сайн ойлгодгийг мэдэхгүй ч мэдээж шашны утга төгөлдөр ёслол мөн нь мөн ч, бас нэгэн ёсны шашны жүжиг гэдгийг нь тайлбарламаар санагдаад. Цам гэдэг нь тэр их олон судар шастирт бичсэн буддын гүн ухааны үзэл баримтлалын үндсэн ойлголт болох үйлийн үр, буян нүгэл, зөв зам мөрийн тухай сургаалийг ард түмэнд ойртуулан таниулсан ийм л шашны ёслол байсан. Цамыг (түвдээр Cham) Монголд хамгийн их хөгжсөн гэж үздэг юм билээ шүү.

No expression of any regret

With my cold full-blown now - dang whoever that gave it to me on Thursday or Friday! - I'm taking care of myself at home till tomorrow. A realisation hit me today that I am coming towards hatred. True hatred. My mother-in-law wrote: "No expression of any regret, I was told". Everything is hanging in the air till a flight path is cleared, which may or may not happen in August. Surely people are smarter than a naivety incarnate, Anaraa. The least one can be is honest with oneself. As someone who's brutally honest with myself and others, I have only regrets that I ever knew this, that I ever lived that, that I ever allowed all of this. No more.

Saturday, June 11, 2011

Hospitals, sterilisation, more conspiracy theories

Hospitals in Mongolia have an abominable practice in terms of sterilising the equipment. It is a well known fact among the medical community in Mongolia that there is rampant spread of hepatitis B and C through non- or insufficiently sterilised equipment. A friend of mine was told that she needed a biopsy for a tumour, but that they could not guarantee the sterility of the equipment. I've had three gaping holes in my teeth for months now and had been reluctant to go anywhere, because I know that the dentists also do not sterilise their equipment properly, and that the dentists are in fact to blame for majority of the hepatitis B and C transmissions in Mongolia. Last week I've made many calls to all dental clinics asking them how they sterilised their equipment and if their sterilisation would guarantee that no hepatitis B or C would be transmitted. Out of 10 clinics I called, 3 hung up on me, two asked me if I was a state inspector, and 1 refused to explain the method of sterilisation. I choose the one that my friend had recommended highly, because she's also aware that I am extremely psyched out about the sterilisation in dental clinics, and because the dentist herself had very patiently and succinctly explained the sterilisation process to me. Last time I checked online, there were 131 dental clinics in Ulaanbaatar alone. And I went to one that is not even on this list. So there would be many more. What about all the other clinics that are providing micro-surgical procedures and things that are necessarily involving body fluids?... There would be hundreds of those, too. I shudder to think of the effect of the insufficiently sterilised equipment on people's lives and livers down the line.

Talking of hepatitis, last year I heard from a colleague that Mongolia was a vaccine trial site of one foreign pharmaceutical corporation back in the late 1960s and early 1970s. She said she heard this from quite a reliable source, and she herself is quite conversant with diverse population of people in Mongolia. It appears to have been a Western pharmaceutical, which begs the question: how did Mongolia allow a trial by a Western pharmaceitual in the depth of the Cold War? Perhaps in exchange for aid, or for more untried vaccines and medicines? I know the hepatitis B vaccine was first conceived and tried in the late 1960s as well, but could it be?!... Would that explain how come an astounding number of Mongolians are routinely diagnosed with hepatitis B and C, most of them from the 1960s and 1970s generation, and most of them passing away within six to twelve months since the diagnosis, and most importantly, most of them having lived a completely healthy lifestyle of no alcohol, etc?... Begs further questions, doesn't it. If indeed the Government of Mongolia did allow such trials without the public knowledge or consent, the least it should do now is to declassify those materials so as to allow people to know who was injected with what form of immature vaccine that had led them to develop hepatitis-related diseases. 

A year and a half ago, a gay guy, lovely, beautiful soul, died of hepatitis C complications. Prior to that, his older sister had also passed away from complications of hepatitis-related disease. After his death, two more of his siblings also passed away from hepatitis C. When whole families are decimated becaues of this virus, it's time for people to allow access to information that would save their lives down the line.   

Day seven

Woke up with a sore throat, stuffy nose, achey head and a bit of general malaise. The banging outside, many people working on their crap cars and vans simultaneously, as with every morning, and vehicles going in and out of the garage, honking and sirening from 7am onwards may not have helped with the general crappy feeling I woke up with. Headaches appear to be a daily thing now. The first few days it was quite pronounced, but now it's a dull, background noise type of a headache. Maybe it's just my pillow, or rather, the lack thereof. Must now invest in a normal pillow, might work. Had a wonderful few days otherwise. There are some beginning physical changes. Plus I am getting somewhat used to the changed body odour now. Plus people are noticing changes in my energy field. It's strange that it is that palpable. I wouldn't have thought, but a friend of mine said that my energy was so much more peaceful than ever. And he's right: from the moment I've done my first shot a week ago, I felt such peace, no anxiety on any level. Just peaceful. I thought it was just me, but I read yesterday that the biological basis for gender identity "disorder" is quite well documented. Anne Vitale writes in her article "Current Thinking Regarding the Etiology of Gender Dysphoria":
Although the origins of being gender dysphoric can not yet be declared outright, there is a growing body of evidence that Gender Identity Disorder (GID) as described in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual IV (1994) is at least in part, the result of insufficient or inappropriate androgenization of the brain at a critical stage of embryonic development. As a result, the affected individual may be left with between a partial and a full sense of having a cross-sexed gender identity. It is this difference that may be the root cause behind an overwhelming need to transition. ...  " findings of somatostatin neuronal sex differences in the BSTc and its sex reversal in the transsexual brain clearly support the paradigm that in transsexuals sexual differentiation of the brain and genitals may go into opposite directions and point to a neurobiological basis of gender identity disorder." ...  In virtually every case in which the individual is truly transgendered, there is a marked sense of relief from anxiety. It is as if there are receptor sites in the brain of these individuals that are starved for the cross-sex hormones their body is otherwise unable to provide for them.
Got an email from my mother-in-law, lovely lady, wished me luck on my journey. Got tons of emails from friends, family, loved ones, former girlfriends and lovers, and people I had always felt a karmic connection with. Not many were surprised - which keeps surprising me. Well, except for my mother-in-law, of course.

Thursday, June 9, 2011

Хар өнгөтэй хүнд

Миний блогийг уншдаг хэмээн бүртгүүлсэн нэгэн эмэгтэйтэй ярих юмсан гэж бодоод бас нэг хоёр сар болж. Нэгэнт түүнтэй хэрхэн холбогдохоо мэдэхгүй тул хэзээ нэгэн цагт унших байх гэж найдаад энд л бичихээс. 
"Сайн уу хө? Чиний нэрийг мэдэхгүй нь харамсалтай. Би хүнийг эцэг эхээс нь заяасан нэр алдраар нь дуудах дуртай. Хүнийг бүтэн нэрээр нь дуудна гэдэг тэр хүнийг, бас эжий аавыг нь, бас удам судрыг нь хүндлэж байгаа мэт надад санагддаг болохоор хүний нэр алдрыг заавал сайн асууна, санахыг хичээнэ. 2 секундын дараа гэхдээ мартана, жаахан ой тогтоолт муудаж байгаа шинж. Одоо хүртэл их сургуульд сурдаг болохоор надаас ямартаа ч хамаагүй дүү гэж бодлоо, чи гэж болно биз дээ. Чамд миний хэлэх үг илүү л байх, гэхдээ тэр үгсийг хэлмээр, бичмээр, тэвэрмээр санагдаад. Тэмдэглэлүүд чинь надад маш олон мэдрэмж өгдөг. Байнга уншдаг. Гол мэдрэмж нь тэсэхүйеэ бэрх амьд долгион, дэндүү их гэрэл гэгээ. Тас хар өнгөөр чи өөрийгөө төсөөлдөг. Тэр нь ч зөв. Чи дотроо тас хар. Чиний тас хар өнгө ертөнцийн бүх өнгө, гэрлийг өөртөө агуулсандаа дэндүү жирэмсэн, хөдөлгөөнт өнгө. Чи өөрөө өөрийнхөө ертөнцийг гэрэлгүй мэт, ирээдүйгүй мэт мэдэрдэг юм шиг санагдсан. Гэтэл тэр дотор чинь байгаа тэр тас хар өнгө бүх авиа, өнгө, гэрлээр бялхаад, үхье гэхэд чинь үхүүлэхгүй байлгаад байдаг юм. Насаар бага залуу хүн шанална гэдэг сайхан зүйл биш. Хүн өвдөх тусам, шаналах тусам, зовох тусам, хүн ба амьдралын хэврэг, хоосон, мөнх бус мөн чанарыг мэдрэх тусам жинхэнэ хүн болж төлөвшдөг гэж би үздэг. Тэр л тас хар өнгө, тэсэхүйеэ бэрх гэрэл гэгээ чамаас цацардаг шүү. Түүнийгээ чи нэг өдөр олж харна аа. Амлаж байна. Түр баяртай."

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Day four

Day four and a half. The throat constriction feeling has lessened somewhat, or perhaps I am just used to it by now. Not needing to clear my throat that much anymore. Neck muscles are always tensed up, somehow, I noticed, so get very tired by the end of the day. Last couple of days woke up thinking food, so I guess my appetite is back. With smoking gone, I had to think of ways to devise busyness around my mouth, so ended up drinking a lot of water these few days. Something I still can't get used to is the fact that my skin smells very different. It smells like my father's skin used to, wasn't very fond of it, always preferred my mom's smell to his. Even my palms smell, not to talk of the armpits and under the chesticles. Started using anti-bacterial soap from Monday. So far, so good. I guess I'll get used to my new odour, it must go with the territory. Because I've always had my olfactics work overtime, sometimes unable to talk someone if they smelled off, I may be having a trouble with the changed smell. 

I just found out that two friends I made in Geneva in October 2008 both identified as trans, with one actually living as a trans guy for years (without the hormonal transition) and the other living as a gender-queer boi for a number of years. And I thought they were kidding. I really did, because one of them was telling me how the other transitioned from being a male to a female and to look at the shaved Adam's apple, etc, laughing all the while. Which precluded me from launching into my own impassioned monologue on my own gender and sexual identity, because I thought they were kidding. The biggest push for me to decide on my own transition was to see my beautiful sister Enhriimaa blossom into the woman she was meant to be. She's young, she's courageous beyond what some people can master in all of their lifetime, she was victimised beyond what people have to endure in their lifetime because she had dared to be vocal about the fact that we existed, that the whole array of sexuality minority, not only lesbians, or gays, or bisexuals, but also trans people existed. She lived a life of a pariah because she had dared to speak up. She was nearly killed because she would not stop writing or talking about LGBT people. And then from the end of October 2010 she started blossoming into the beautiful woman she was meant to be. The second biggest push to solidify my decision has been to see so many trans guys in the USA during my March trip. Everywhere I looked, they were there, living, breathing, being who they were meant to be, and so incredibly happy. And I looked at myself. And I could no longer turn away from the reality that it was either transition, or the end of it all. I am so lucky to have known Enhriimaa, so lucky to know another beautiful Mongolian woman who had also transitioned, years and years ago in the UK, so lucky to have friends who understand and support and are there for me. Completely blessed out. Peace.

Monday, June 6, 2011

Day two and a half

Not much to report. Except that I immediately felt something happening with my throat these two and a half days. As if it is being constricted, I have an urge to constantly clear my throat, which is surely irritating people around me. A little tender around the heart area, good thing I've given up smoking, no relapses, been very good. Gave the three boxes of smoke I had to a friend. The injection site is still kinda tender, which is apparently quite natural. No emotional changes, just very satisfied, very calm. Had three things throughout the day that would've set me off, nothing. Also started eating healthy as well, which for me means a grain-based breakfast as opposed to the usual no-breakfast, and at least one meal during the day. I am not doing all these health-conscious steps because I want to live longer, it's just that I do want a quality of life and I do not want to burden anyone with my problems if I don't take care of myself and end up very ill. As someone single and someone who plans on being single for the rest of my life, I have to consider all these things.

Sunday, June 5, 2011

Done....

It's 1:10am on Sunday morning, and I just finished my first injection. Debated for a long time with myself whether to start a few hours earlier on Saturday itself, which was a Dashnyam day by the way, a very good day for everything, except that it did not have the indications for beginning a medical treatment, so ended up opting for today, a few hours of difference. Today is also Baljinnyam day, as it happens, and a great day to start a medical treatment. Just before jabbing the needle, I also read all the mantras I know. Funny, I know, but I am a staunch Buddhist through and through that way, always consulting the calendar when doing important things, always accompanying them with mantras. Debated also for a long time whether to do it in the butt or the thigh. Gave my mother her intravenous calcium injections since eleven or so, so I am quite used to the whole thing of injections, blood, etc, but this is an intramuscular one, so stalled for a while in my tiny bathroom thinking where, then opted for the thigh afterall because the injection needs to be done quite slowly, and I can't guarantee that my side muscles wouldn't cramp while doing it in the butt standing up. Well, I can't describe what I was feeling at the time: I was incredibly focused, but also incredibly lightheaded and so happy, and a very tiny teensy bit apprehensive because of the dangers of T getting into the bloodstream if I got into a vein or something. Not much pain. A lot of guys say that there is pain associated with these injections, but there is only heaviness in my leg, a bit of pulling, I guess, but that's all. Again, I have a very high level of tolerance for pain, my sister used to call me abnormal like that. What with her beating the shit out of me with mop handles and high quality Russian umbrellas - till they broke! - when I was a kid, she should know! So this is it <huge grin>, I am on my way. Time to announce through email to all the loved and close ones, but that can wait till morning. Oh, and one more thing: I just quit smoking, just had my last cigarette.

Friday, June 3, 2011

Tomorrow is the day

On 31 May morning I woke up wondering when finally my period was going to start, the last in my lifetime. My mind then did what it does habitually every morning, taking stock of things that need to be done that day - one hundred and more tasks - and then I felt the blood. With palpitating heart and very sweaty hands and a grin from ear to ear I washed my head in the icy stream, did the icy rub-down of the body, a morning ritual of the last sixteen days (to continue to 1 July, damn metropolitan watsan and pipe maintenance people!) and ran out to the closest pharmacy. Nada. Went to two more, none of them knew what I was talking about. "No, never heard. Are you sure you're saying the name correctly?" So again, I emailed the pharmacology lady, asking her in which of their vast number of outlets the medication was being sold. Then waited... Skipped out to lunch with a friend... Then waited again... Skipped out to borrow two books from another friend as my reading material's at the dangerous low level these days... Again, waited... Finally I got an email back with a phone number and spoke with the pharmacology expert. She said they started importing that particular (and the only available in Mongolia) brand of T only very recently, and that they just finished training medical staff on the pharmacological qualities of the medicine. And there were only 10 dozes they imported, and how many did I need? And why did I not call back earlier, everyone was now off for the Mother and Child Day the next day, please check back after the holidays. Since I was still engrossed in the intricacies of the Mongolian traditional and historical attire yesterday, I had no time to go and pick it up, but I went today, and was told that I should come back tomorrow as they still had not received the stock from the main warehouse. So tomorrow is the day. Finally, after so many years. I told one of my straight male friends (who at some point was quite in love with me, which really infuriated me because he should've never fallen in love with me in the first place) very recently that I was beginning to transition, and he was not very surprised, which surprised me. Has it always been so obvious? Maybe to some people.

Now, all the significant events in my life are veiled in the atmosphere of inevitability, things often happening exactly when they needed to. Sometimes the fact of inevitability would not cross my mind at the moment right when those events were taking place, but looking back, yes, they were all meant to be, and right on time, and right for the right reasons. Some call it serendipity. I call it karma. Could it be that my karma had finally come to fruition that I could no longer live in this body, that I would rather die than continue living in this fleshly prison that T was suddenly available on time within the timeframe I had planned to start my transition?... Definitely. Serendipity, again. There are, of course, many concerns not directly related to my HRT per se, but to the peripheral matters such as safety, my paramount concern, and then there are long-term matters such as surgeries, where and how. All these matters I am thinking through by myself, sharing only with Otgoo, my bro, and unsuccessfully with ex. All these are smallest, but eventually probably the biggest details - my own place, no matter if it's only 15 square metres, but it has gotta be my own as opposed to a rented place. All my life I'd rented, my earnings, when I had them, always halved by the rental, and the rest of the earnings going into daily necessities. Although 34, turning 35 in a few months, I never had been able to save. Literally all the money that was earned was spent in the next few days or weeks for all the necessities. Definitely not a middle class existence when you have to scrape by from paycheck to paycheck, calculating everything you can and can not spend money on - Persil Gold, as wonderful as it may be, had never been an option for washing powder. My own place from where I will not get kicked out of because I moved in visibly still female, although always in male getup, and had transformed into a bearded dude. My own place where I will be able to feel safe and unstressed about when I was going to be kicked out, under what pretext. Where people will not burst in with murder in their eyes just because they are confused and scared of me. But apart from that there are other things to consider. Other people's needs. Other people's priorities. How does one balance these out? I have needs, but other people have needs too. Where possible, it should be balanced, with mutual effort and understanding. Not through a simgle-minded "It can not be done" which is equal to claiming more importance and priority over the other. Had I had more, I would offer more. Had I had any, I would offer even that any... If even that simple truth of who I am is not understood, how can any sense be made?

Tomorrow. I am having a wave upon wave of gratitude for everything in my life, regardless of anything. Despite of, or rather, even, thanks to everything. I am so psyched that I know I won't be able to sleep tonight. Much is to be written down from tomorrow onwards. It's been a long, long, long journey. Too long. But now, no denial of any pain, never denial of any wrongs, of mistakes and stumbles and sprawls that halted my life to screeching stop exactly three times in my thirty four and half years. Never denial of what was good or bad. Honouring the past and the present. And the future. 

Thursday, June 2, 2011

газар хөдлөлт / earthquake

хэн нэгний уруулаас урсах авианы чанга урсгал зовхийг минь доргионо. the avalanche of sounds flowing from someone's lips hits my eyelids. нүүрэнд минь тулсан тэр нүүр, тэр чимээ, тэр урсгал, тэр давалгаа арьс үсийг минь чичрүүлнэ. that face centimetres away from my face, that noise, that river, those waves shake my hair. хэд дэх удаа вэ. how many times. хэн нэгний уруулаас унах үгс дотрыг минь сэгсэрнэ. words barraging from someone's lips are tectonic plates shifting inside my body. хэн ба юуг мэдсэн хэрнээ өөрийгөө л хуурах тэр их итгэл, тэр уур, тэр үгүйсгэл сэтгэлийн минь гүн дэх бүх дурсамжийг орвонгоор нь сийчэн нураана. that rage, that denial, that self-righteousness in the face of the truth, the who and the how, bulldoze over my cherished memories, uprooting them and throwing them out for good. хэнд ч хамаагүй. who cares. хэн нэгний уруулаас шидэгдэх үзэн ядалт, өшөө хорсол ертөнцийг минь донсолгоно. hatred, venom from those lips and eyes quake my world. зөвхөн өөрийгөө л бод, амар амгалангаа л эргүүлж ав. only peace matters, return to it. газар хөдлөлтийн дараах аврах ажиллагаа үргэлжилнэ. salvage continues after the earthquake.

Crowdfunding!

As many of you know, we are doing an online crowdfunding for the first time in the history of the Centre, and it happens to be for the Equa...