Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Day four

Day four and a half. The throat constriction feeling has lessened somewhat, or perhaps I am just used to it by now. Not needing to clear my throat that much anymore. Neck muscles are always tensed up, somehow, I noticed, so get very tired by the end of the day. Last couple of days woke up thinking food, so I guess my appetite is back. With smoking gone, I had to think of ways to devise busyness around my mouth, so ended up drinking a lot of water these few days. Something I still can't get used to is the fact that my skin smells very different. It smells like my father's skin used to, wasn't very fond of it, always preferred my mom's smell to his. Even my palms smell, not to talk of the armpits and under the chesticles. Started using anti-bacterial soap from Monday. So far, so good. I guess I'll get used to my new odour, it must go with the territory. Because I've always had my olfactics work overtime, sometimes unable to talk someone if they smelled off, I may be having a trouble with the changed smell. 

I just found out that two friends I made in Geneva in October 2008 both identified as trans, with one actually living as a trans guy for years (without the hormonal transition) and the other living as a gender-queer boi for a number of years. And I thought they were kidding. I really did, because one of them was telling me how the other transitioned from being a male to a female and to look at the shaved Adam's apple, etc, laughing all the while. Which precluded me from launching into my own impassioned monologue on my own gender and sexual identity, because I thought they were kidding. The biggest push for me to decide on my own transition was to see my beautiful sister Enhriimaa blossom into the woman she was meant to be. She's young, she's courageous beyond what some people can master in all of their lifetime, she was victimised beyond what people have to endure in their lifetime because she had dared to be vocal about the fact that we existed, that the whole array of sexuality minority, not only lesbians, or gays, or bisexuals, but also trans people existed. She lived a life of a pariah because she had dared to speak up. She was nearly killed because she would not stop writing or talking about LGBT people. And then from the end of October 2010 she started blossoming into the beautiful woman she was meant to be. The second biggest push to solidify my decision has been to see so many trans guys in the USA during my March trip. Everywhere I looked, they were there, living, breathing, being who they were meant to be, and so incredibly happy. And I looked at myself. And I could no longer turn away from the reality that it was either transition, or the end of it all. I am so lucky to have known Enhriimaa, so lucky to know another beautiful Mongolian woman who had also transitioned, years and years ago in the UK, so lucky to have friends who understand and support and are there for me. Completely blessed out. Peace.

put on a face

put on a face                      a brave face, a dead face put on a face and go. put on a face                       a kind face, a br...