Tuesday, July 12, 2011

5 and a half weeks

Just thought I would quickly update on my HRT before I leave for the countryside, hopefully sometime today, contingent on whether I get the call back from the one I am visiting. Because I am travelling and won't have access to running water (hot or cold, pretty comparable to my present cold-water situation that's going on now for 2 months, give or take), I thought I might be better off doing my T shot before I go to the countryside, a few days shy of the prescribed day on Saturday, which means I will be hobbling around for the entire duration out there. Or I could do it on my return, a few days later... Somehow I would prefer to get it done earlier than later because I am hoping for no more blood. About the shot per se: I seem to have done it correctly, no lumping or scarring, or anything. However, my bro called me a week ago and said his shot spot was scarring and itching like crazy and felt like a lump. Although I had nothing of the sort on my thigh, I could only reassure him that it was ok, and categorically no scratching. My guess is whoever did the shot for him didn't push the needle till the end - and it needs to go deep, till the end - and did the shot pretty much on the surface of the muscle, can't think of any other reason why he would be having a trouble. I just have to remind him again that the needle needs to go deep next time. He called me last night as well, and I asked him the date of his first shot, and he didn't remember. 12am to 1am of 5 June was my second birthday, the day and the emotions and feelings I felt then are firmly etched into my brains, and there he goes, not remembering his. Thankfully he has me who's keeping the track on his dateline. 

Changes: I am noticing my adam's apple's beginning to pop somewhat, I can definitely feel it bobbing up and down when I swallow, and it's a little more visibly protruding. My body smell's still bothering me, there are definitely moments when I am really and truly disgusted, but they are less now in frequency. My appetite is crazy, still. Some guys say that it comes down after a few months, let's see. Acne's still bad. It appears I might have cystic acne, because the acne I am developing is big painful lumps of pus. And of course, I've been picking and trying to squeeze them, which everyone knows you shouldn't, unless you want scars for life. I am assured of some scarring from my first month of transition, definitely. Before I looked up about acne, I was like "Who gives a dang about a few, ok, many pimples on my face?", relying just on the facewash. I mean it's just acne, no one has ever died of it, right. But three days ago I looked up the information and decided to get on top of it, got the antibiotic topical treatment. It is now beginning to work somewhat, I think. I was not worried even when everyone I met was asking me (with the exception of cowards who do not ask me in my face, but ask others around me) "What happened to your face?!", "I am on hormone replacement therapy". The funny thing is people don't ask further clarification questions, probably just assuming I must have some sort of a hormonal disorder for which I am getting treatment, which is the truth, in a way: it's called a hormonal disorder "born a woman, but a man". My chest appendages have begun hurting a bit, quite noticeable after I come home and unwrap the binder. The pain is natural though, just the symptoms of the menopause onset that is supposed to happen with the HRT. I am noticing that I am really tired these days as well. All I want to do is sleep. But of course, being who I am, I am not able to shut the world out, hole up and sleep through days. Just didn't have the opportunity, although I do need it. Increased sleep need is natural, the body is making changes and needs reparative periods of quality sleep. I think therein lies the problem, quality sleep I am unable to get as the garage next door is active and noisy from 7am onwards, sirens, banging, honking, shouting, you name it. I am used to all the noise, but it's the sirens that do wake me up. There has got to be a way to impose some sort of a regulatory ban on these sirens between certain hours. My skin is getting somewhat... different, maybe a little thicker, if that makes sense. It feels thicker and rougher, somehow. My voice definitely was beginning to crack two weeks ago, I can talk really low now, but that's with an effort. I was just watching online this Japanese kid whose voice had dropped remarkably quickly after already two-three months. So I am hoping the same thing to happen with my voice, too. In fact, the reason why I am even travelling to the countryside is my voice. I want to see my mother before my voice drops further, tell her in person that I had begun the HRT, tell her of my plans in re to the process, and that I am keeping the name she gave me. She is still my mother, and despite everything I love her. And she loves me, despite her shame about me. I told her before Tsagaan Sar in February that I was going to start on my transition this year, but she doesn't know that I had already begun as I hadn't spoken to her since March. Just didn't want to give her a heart attack when she next saw me, whatall with the voice change happening already. Also I really want to sit down and tell her everything that's been going on in my life, how a few days ago I got the biggest shock of my life when someone said that one day I would be served up with defamation suit by them - I am like, what?! Really?... I am so done, so totally out of there - that and other things. I had finally gotten hold of her on Sunday on her mobile, but she told me to call back a few days later to find out where she would be at then. Signing off. Happy Naadam!

PS: In case I am needed to lift heavy things, fix things and generally help around mom's and aunt's place, as I usually am, I better be physically able (i.e., able to walk and lift things, which I barely managed after my first shot), so I will do my shot when I get back.

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