Sunday, July 10, 2011

Friends, friendships, etc.

There was this boy who was my classmate in the 8th grade, a bookworm much like myself, but more outgoing, friendly and people-oriented than I ever was. Together we did the hosting of the entire school's New Year Celebrations in our final grade. I remember he freaked out as I insisted on wearing a deel for the hosting, he thought I might show up in plain cloth, thick deel that grannies of either sexes wear on rainy days like the ones that are continuing here. So Uka is now the director of one of the biggest television channels in Mongolia, he does a marvellous job managing it. I haven't seen him in years, except that I had to seek him out last year in regard to the Centre's non-discrimination campaign. October 2010 was last I saw him until I bumped onto him during the movie event the other night. I was really touched when he asked if I was alright, following the whole story of the Inner Mongolian, and if it was me who was being written up badly and unfairly in the newspapers...

There is this girl I've known in the past year or so, a wonderful soul who has nothing but goodness in the heart. She has been the unofficial bodyguard of one guy I've known for years, and as his visibility as one of the only few out gay people increased, so had the chances of him being attacked. I remember a year ago I was sitting in his office teaching him how to use the Audacity programme to edit the podcasts, she brought in food for us and kept feeding us from the food that was supposed to last her a week, I think. She's beautiful, smart, an incredible actress to top it off, a gift discovered by many during her Vagina Monologues performance. Big-hearted.

There is this guy I've known for years, a wonderfully cheerful guy who had been one of my best friends in the last however many years since the LGBT Centre was set up in the early 2007. Through working together, I came to value and regard him as my friend. In fact, one of the only closer friends who my ex and I had opened up our hearts to. When my life suddenly came to a screeching halt at the beginning of the year, he never dropped an SMS or even an email response to my email, something anything to tell me that he would be there to listen when/if I needed it. He still met my ex, though, as a friend, as a colleague. As I began to wrap my head around everything, it was a truly painful realisation.

There is this girl who has been in my life forever, since I was 15. She had been my best friend for years, still one of the people I count to be among my friends although by now we have spent more time living apart in different countries than we did being friends in the same space. The space mattered as the email link appeared unworkable. I would pour my life into the lifeless characters on the screen, but didn't hear back for ages. The responses, as they were sent, were.. short, dull, dead. I gave up. The last time I saw her, I informed her of my decision to finally start transitioning. She said that she never saw me as masculine since I was always overwhelmed by my emotions. I did not ask opinions as there is nothing to opine about - what possibly one could even say when they had not walked in the other's skin - I was merely discussing a fact.  

There is this woman whom I had loved passionately for a year and a half. She was a beautiful, violent, drunk wreck. I believe I broke her heart when I left her after she stabbed herself in the stomach twice because she was having a jealousy fit over one girl I might have fucked (I did, the one and only time I was unfaithful to any one of my lovers). But she broke my heart long before that, one-third into the relationship as she started swinging her fists and strangling me. As months progressed into the relationship, I found myself increasingly alone, just her and me, as she got irate everytime she met my friends. And always the jealousy. Never warranted, but nevertheless there. For years after that, years and years, she used to send me crazy emails. But she was there this time, helping me out, giving me space, refraining from too many questions, dropping from time to time her reassurances that she had been happy for me, and that surely I would get back together with my ex - finally being the friend I so needed at the time I felt nothing made sense anymore. I did not expect her to be a friend at all, not after everything, but what do you know.

I don't really know why I am writing this entry. I guess I was thinking about friendships, what they mean to different people, who are friends, who you should count as your friends, etc. Random musings.

2 comments:

  1. hey there, I really like/love to read your blog, interesting, smart and really different life comparing me.. my english is not soo good as you, but I;ve been kept reading your blog
    .. will keep to continue
    venus

    ReplyDelete
  2. thanks, venus :) no matter our differences, we are human beings, and human beings are intrinsically diverse: there is no one way of being a human being. well, just one: as long as you do not hurt people on purpose, or with criminal intent. i love reading other people's blogs as well, gives me a glimpse into their lives that otherwise i may not ever have been able to touch. so appreciation is quite mutual, thank you.

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