Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Itch, landlady, resignation

Today's the second day that I'm distracted to bits by the itch I've had under my binder. It is probably the heat that finally kicked in during the Naadam that's making it more difficult for the skin to breathe properly. It's pretty bad, I can't very well concentrate on what I'm supposed to be doing. I get my hands into and under my binder to get at the skin and tear at it, but it's not helping. Or maybe it's the T, I had my last shot only two days ago. Or maybe I am just developing some sort of skin disease. Or maybe it's just stress.

Talking of stress: the landlady asked me yesterday evening when I took the remainder of my rent to her "Have you been talking on TV about homosexuals?! I saw you on TV only recently. Was that you?!" And my heart sank. There we go, I though, possibly one more situation where I may be asked to vacate the unit because of who I am just as my ex was asked to vacate the apartment we had been renting in the 13th district when the landlords realised that we filmed the documentary "Lies of Liberty" in the apartment we were renting from them. Their unequivocal "We are Christians. It's sick. Think about our 2-year old daughter and how this, renting of our apartment out to such a couple, would affect her life!" For your information, homosexuality and transgenderism/transsexuality are not diseases she can catch from us renting your apartment, dear Tamiraa. So with a sunken heart, I mustered a chipper face "Yes, that was me! I always talk about LGBT people, so that must have been me! But it's not recent filming, that's from over 2, maybe even 3 months ago". She did not look at me in the eyes this morning when I greeted her.

On yet another note: I've decided to let go of my advisory position with the Centre's Executive Board. The Centre's standing well on its feet and its vision, I've done all I could for the Centre, for the budding LGBT rights movement in Mongolia. Although there can never be enough of LGBT activists especially in this country, it's time to let go. Since sometime in February, and more so from 9 July I tried to, and did, imagine my life without the LGBT Centre. Tough, but possible. I've felt that my life hasn't truly been mine since late 2003 when I began working through structures on the LGBT rights in Mongolia. I've had lots of time for reflection, and I've come to the conclusion that all I want at this point of time in life is peace. Serenity. I want to live my life away from people's scornful and hateful gaze at the worst, and prying, pitying or judgemental eyes at the best. More importantly, I want to get back to my writing, prose, not poetry this time around. I would like to publish my poetry book, too, though one day. I want to live a simple, uncomplicated existence of living each day as it comes, unburdened by my overwhelming and overarching concern and almost physical pains for every last thing that my LGBT sisters and brothers are experiencing... Too much empathy. Too much attachment. Too much concern. So this is it, officially. Detachment instead of attachment. 

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