Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Theory 18: suffering and acceptance

Don't know what's happening but I guess the emotional upheavals, uncertainty, impossibility of seeing beyond today are taking their toll on me: I'm having the third cold this summer whereas usually it afflicts me once or twice a year. At most. In 2007 and 2009 I had innumerable colds, too. As great as it is to live in the present and in the now, one needs stability, and stability comes from having a little certainty in one's life. Minus that, life can be somewhat stressful. Although with my transition and the HRT, I'm so much more calmer, not strung out all the time - to repeat, peace being a common experience among many transitioning guys, including my bro who had brought some food for me this afternoon with his girl and hung out awhile - it has been a little stressful. Been quite sick since Friday night. Constant rehashing of the same old doesn't help either. The whole of last week I'd been a little under the weather, and now it's a full blown cold. I am hoping to get better by the weekend as a friend's visiting from Japan, would love to spend some time with her, but I must not give her my cold, just not an option. 

People are essentially incredibly selfish beings. Even in the face of various events, the primary concern is one's welfare. When my friend told me twelve and a half years ago that she had been diagnosed with a very serious kidney condition that inevitably leads to kidney failure in the long run, the run maintained by steroids, and that too, even with the treament there were no guarantees of the run being maintained, I felt empty. In the eventuality of that turn, I was thinking, I was going to lose a part of my life with her. 

My very first thought was not of how much she was suffering, but of myself and losing a part of my life through her. A fear of loss. Then the second thought came about her suffering. I learnt about myself that day. That I was essentially a very selfish being. Once you realise something, and once you realise that you don't like what you've realised, you take action to change it. That day was my first step into selflessness. I can't claim that I had mastered it, but I am definitely a lot more selfless than some people I've encountered in my life. Other events took place in my life, many, all of them teaching me something or the other. When I look at everything together, I know that I am on the right track, that this is exactly where I was meant to be, how I was meant to be, in order to realise the lessons in life. And I would not change a single thing. Not a thing. 

So here's my theory 18: suffering leads to either rejection of that suffering and therefore of everything that led to suffering in the first place, or it leads to acceptance of that suffering, and therefore of everything that led to suffering in the first place. I'm very happy to say that I am in a place of acceptance. Of everything. Good, bad, ugly. It's a great place to be at. Of course, it's still a little stressful from time to time, but even that's accepted.

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