Friday, September 30, 2011

Exclusion

As it's getting colder, I worry about my mother being on her own in the countryside in a small summer bungalow, albeit with her sister in the next house. I called her last night, we spoke for a half hour. Was told that one of my aunts passed on. Another victim of the medical incompetence in Mongolia, unfortunately a common occurence... A rapid succession of emotions: disbelief, anger, sadness. What shocked me was that it happened about two weeks ago, but no one bothered to tell me. Just like with father's passing that I was told on the day of his funeral, but at least I was far away then. This aunt and I were not close since I grew up, but she used to babysit me when I was a toddler of a little more than a year. I bet she was the one who told my parents that I would habitually refuse to sit down to pee, consequently always wetting my pants... The fact that no one bothered to tell me about her passing on knocked the air out of me. The who-I-am must inspire an inordinate amount of shame in the members of my family. But it is not my fault that I am who I am, it's not their fault either that they feel so much shame. Made me keenly aware, once more, that I walk alone in this life.

put on a face

put on a face                      a brave face, a dead face put on a face and go. put on a face                       a kind face, a br...