Wednesday, September 28, 2011

It's time, it's time, it's time...

It's time I started dating again is what I've been thinking last one month, maybe. However, recently I felt totally objectified in my encounters with members of the fair sex. In my two latest encounters, at least. Not so much in the first one  - although that date's very presumption of an interesting evening with me was based on her objectification of me as that presumption inherently stemmed from the fact that she knew who I was, and so saw me as utterly "different", "other", and thus, fascinating - as in the second one, which was a hell of a disaster. Complete and utter wreck of an attempt. Well, except for the sex, of course. Yes, indeed, it's been exactly two weeks since I started dating again. Clumsy, out-of-practice, quite entertaining, perhaps, from a third party's point of view, dating efforts, but self-motivated, non-imposed dating efforts nonetheless. The wheels are rusty since they have not turned since 2004, but I will be back to my truly suave self soon, I've seen the glimpses of it, I know it's still there, I've seen it still works, it's still alive. One good thing that came out from these very initial efforts was a firm knowledge that although I am ready to date again, I can't say the same about another relationship, or anything serious, to that matter. And it felt good to acknowledge my present state of self vis-a-vis potential relationships. Definitely no more drama or games. Or rejection of my truest desires and innermost needs.

It's time I seriously thought about what, where and how my life is. With my transition, I can barely access the necessary medical services because there are simply no professionals here who are specialised in this area, AT ALL. Plus the ever looming imminence of violence from certain groups of people who hold extreme xenophobic, homophobic and transphobic views. Plus the now knowledge that the Government will simply say "Oh there's no threat to your life", as they did once before during the height of print, online and telephonic harassment and threats, coupled with many cars following me, no mistake ever about what they were doing. Plus the recent sighting of a dude who was following me openly in daylight with a swastika armband. It's all becoming too much. And it's time I thought about my life, first and foremost. I was talking to two friends last night, both of whom I had not seen in a longest while, they were horrified. Anyone would be, as it happens. So it's time I put some dots on the i-s, so to speak. To end an era, and to move on. With some moderate accomplishments, with many heartbreaks, with little triumphs and dreams-fulfilled to speak for me. It's time I moved on. By November I will know the answers that I need to know. I will be ready then.

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