Saturday, March 31, 2012

Ашиг тусгүй үнэний төлөө
Алдсан хором бүхэн минь
Гантиг инээлгэх гэсэн
Гашуун солиорол
                  Идо

So irate, still, blindingly, thirteen hours on. Because some of my so-called friends -- wait, no more, now just acquiantances -- had somehow thought themselves better than some other friends of mine. Because they had never even wanted to get to know some of my other friends -- they happen to come in different colours, shapes, races, ideologies, backgrounds, from politicians to cleaners, from writers to drivers, from musicians to outlaws -- for no other reason than they thought themselves better, and went back on what we'd talked about for months. Because for days after the attack by the transphobic asshole a month ago, I couldn't lift my head, spending days drifting in and out of sleep and pain, but they never bothered to come by to check, while knowing I had no fridge, no hotplate, no stock of food at home, my tiny studio room, while visiting each other for no other reason than one of them is still in love with the other, somewhat -- while already in a relationship -- and the other, oh the other... simply allowing that, while knowing what, how, why; an emotional coward, to say it nicely. Because every time I lay there, sick, running high fever, a few times last winter as well as a few days ago, none of them bothered to simply call to find out how I was faring, whether I needed something, which I did. Because I kept getting into their shoes, time and again, forgiving of these deeds that were, actually, unforgiveable of friends, but which I made such, again, again and again. Because no matter how much you love some people, all they feel is disgust -- at the difference of who you are intrinsically, externally, internally, as opposed to their claustrophobically crammed-in worlds of gossips, maligning of others, insensitivity, most of all, their arrogance. How dare they. Why forgive. Why understand. Why try, when that little courtesy has always been omitted in relation to me. That's not done. So it's done. Over. For good.

Friday, March 30, 2012

Тэнэг хүмүүстэй тэнэг байх ёстой гэлүү

Тэнэг биш гэж өөртөө өчнөөн хэлээд, битгий хүмүүсийг шүү гэж өөртөө итгүүлээд, тэдний хийсэн тэнэг, уучламгүй зүйлсийг нь дахин дахин, удаа дараа уучлаад, мартаад, шинээр эхлээд, сэтгэлдээ орон зай өгөх тусам зарим хүмүүс сэтгэлрүү бааж шээж ханахгүй. Гэтэл тэднийг уучилж байгаагаараа би өөрөө эцсийн дүндээ тэнэг болж таарах. Эцсийн дүндээ сэтгэл минь хайран санагдах. Хүн биш хүмүүстэй тэгвэл хүн бус харьцах уу, тэднийг байхгүй юм шиг харьцах уу. Ер нь л зарим хүмүүсийг сэтгэлээсээ бүрмөсөн эргэлт буцалтгүй гаргаад хаясан нь дээр. Өөр сонголтгүй.

Thursday, March 29, 2012

100% хүн


Өчигдөр олон улсын ЛГБТ мэдээний newsfeed-ээс нэгэн саак зураг хуваалцсан байсныг эндээ оруулмаар санагдаад. Хүн өөрийн мөн чанараар ямарваа зүйлийг ойлгохын тулд юмс үзэгдлийг нэрлэдэг ч тухайн нэр нь зарим мэдлэг мэдээлэл дутуу хүмүүст танин мэдэхүйн бус, бусдыг ялгаварлан гадуурхаж болно гэж бодох нөхцөлийг бүрдүүлж байдаг. Мэдээж бид өөр өөр, хэдэн живаа хүн энэ дэлхий дээр байна, тэр тооны л ертөнцүүд. Хамгийн гол нь хүмүүс. Гэтэл энэ шашинтай хүн бол л ийм байдаг, ийм арьсны өнгөтэй хүн л бол тийм байдаг, лесбиян л бол ийм, гей л бол тийм, эр бол ийм, эм л бол тийм гэх ор үндэсгүй хэвшмэл ойлголтууд яван явсаар ялгаварлан гадуурхалтад хүргэдэг. Тиймээс 100% HUMAN. LABELS ARE FOR CLOTHES гэдэг зургийг оруулмаар санагдаад. Эх сурвалж: roxannewrigt

Monday, March 26, 2012

My 200th post +

My 200th (!) post in my blog, a very upbeat one. I've got a tentative date for my surgeries, to get rid of the extra, offending bits! With my pension fund in (just found out this afternoon, hip-hip hurray!), I still don't have all the finances at this point, but with mom's contribution (she's giving me the family heirloom to help out with my surgeries and flights costs) I should be fine as long as I find some friends I can stay with in Bangkok. Just called her to let her know that my pension fund money has gone in, and that I was given a tentative date with a GRS hospital in Bangkok. She was relieved and happy to know that I no longer planned to get it done here. I am just extremely chuffed, and can't get the grin off my face. What happened during the last two months was that my mom seems to be getting around the idea of her child being a son, rather than a daughter. But with all she knew, with the dreams she had of me before she had me, with everything seers told her, she is finally accepting me.

As I was writing this entry I got a present from one of the beautiful, 2-metre tall people: an apron with a stuffed toy dick that you can flip out and wag around :)) How cute is that?! Might upload a picture of it when I get a semblance of a phone that has a camera ;)

Another minor kind of news: I got my first piercing last Friday, on my tongue. Didn't hurt at all, which is fantastic. It's still a bit uncomfortable and quite swollen, and no solid food, but I'm loving the feel of the round titanium on my tonuge. And when it heals over, I will be kissing girls left and right. Driving them to distraction. 

I love my life!

Thursday, March 22, 2012

Where, what, how...

is the question. The quotes I'd been given by the GRS hospital in Thailand is way too much money at this time. Thinking hard. After a few hours I got the email from the hospital, I decided to check out if the medical advances are at the stage where the female parts can be restructured into male parts, and came across this article on the BBC. If I become a guinea pig, I won't have to pay for the surgery, will I? Just a thought, a good thought. Which means I need to get out of here. But there are still two things I need to do here...

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

For the record - 3, etc

Three weeks on and nothing. The investigator of the Chingeltei police department called me yesterday to tell me she had not been able to get the asshole who fractured my skull to come to the police station for questioning. Like WTF?! And she asked if I knew his address, which of course I didn't. Extremely disappointing. If this is really it, I will have to think of other options to get justice because this time I am not leaving it to karma.

Etc. It'd been over two and a half years since I met my School of Foreign Service classmates because I was hurt by the lack of moral health on most of their part that evening in September 2009: lack of taking a stand, which showed a lack of conviction, a lack of understanding about the right and wrong. As Einstein said:  "The world is a dangerous place to live; not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don't do anything about it." This time I had to, as a classmate (who joined our class after I left, but who I became friendly with years on through my classmates and another friend, now estranged, who happened to be his aunt) had passed away. He was only a few years older, but looks like he was suffering from incredible amount of stress and distress related to his work (tenureship, and even salaries owed to him by the university), something I can empathise due to my own ordeal at the UN, but look at the outcomes. One thing that keeps eating at me is that it was days before his body was discovered. I pray the death was not painful, or as dark as the last few years of his life: oum ma ni pad me hum. After visiting his father to pay respect to T.'s memory, my classmates scattered to do their own thing until that evening when they would gather back at the 100%. Promptly they came by, and I seated them in the main room which we usually reserve for the LGBT folk, but I wanted them to see my community, the people I care about most, the people I love most. I was the only queer sheep among their midst forever, but they were the minority in the bar that night. They were already informed about my transition. They never commented on it, not much, except for one guy who had a chance to observe me for longer than the rest. When such a fundamental shift occurs, people either deny, or accept, but can't help question their assumption of everything they knew about someone who is doing something so radical, in their minds. As was the case with that guy. He kept insisting that it was me, truly, all those years ago that he remembers. Sure enough, that was me, but me trying to do my best to be who I felt deep inside I never was. He bumped me, showing me how guys relate to each other, but hey, although my essential experience as a man may not have been the picture-perfect "born male, raised male, living male", my reality has been, is that of a transman born in the wrong body, suffering every day of consciousness, but now, at the long last trying to right the facts. And even then, the eventuality of the final outcome is uncertain at this point. What he didn't know was that I never, ever tried to articulate those feelings about my own personhood, how wrong I felt in my then-female body, in my then-female mode, not to him, not even closer friends, but only to two people. Right then, during that period that he referrred to. I swept it all under the rug until 2004, when I finally met my first transman in Japan, and was sure, finally, that it all was possible, and that I was not a mental case for having those persistent thoughts, feelings, depressions, premonitions, dreams. What really touched me, to the point of tears, was he offered to contribute to my upcoming surgery. Not that I would accept any money from him, however needy I may be, but the gesture itself was worth a thousand thanks. He touched me deeply twice in the 17-18 years I've known him, and this was the second time. A trooper. Someone I'd always been proud of, and someone I love, for his humanity. For one thing, I will try to see them from now on whenever they gather.

Saturday, March 17, 2012

They came - VI

... He was one true bright light. For himself, for others. He shone light for he was the light. He no longer is among us, but hey, only physically. Towards the end of April 2009 I got the news he had passed away in a car accident a month and a half before, and it was a devastating day: I knew I'd lost one of my soulmates on this earth. From early March that year I got worried about not being able to contact him for days on end when we were re-starting the LGBT Centre's registration process, for he was to be one of the founders, as a proud gay man that he was. And then the news of his passing, a month and a half too late. How I cried that morning, that afternoon, the days that followed, never wanting to believe that he left me to fight alone against all the odds while he simply looked on. All that soul connection, all those days and nights talking about the true nature of the universe, how we never wanted to be reborn again as human beings... As I was meditating the next morning after the news that shook my world irrevocably, I was overwhelmed by the loss, and I couldn't hold my tears back, probably never getting even into the meditation. I let each and every one of my tears fall, acknowledging my loss, not yet coming to terms with it, and then all of a sudden I felt the immensely positive energy, love and peace, and I knew he had ascended, that he would always be there with me no matter what, that he was, is, still, with me, and will remain so. I could not believe it until I saw his photographs on the special alcove his mother had created at home, as the Buddhist and human tradition goes. He was the most beautifully pure soul, all love. I spent quite some time with him when he was just coming out at the age of 19, our friendship continuing for eight and a half years, but it was never enough, in the hindsight, for he was the purity and love incarnate, which I always felt and knew. My soulmate. The most beautiful boy I ever knew. The most beautiful being I ever touched. The most, the purest, the brightest, the bravest.

Thursday, March 15, 2012

Nostalgic...

about the times bygone, all the people I'd met and loved, and still do, and if it makes sense, about the people I will have loved in the future, the places I'd been to, the spaces I'd created, the footprints I'd left on this earth. How weird. No more weird than everything that I've been going through lately: friendships dying before they'd had a chance to bloom, lovers turning into enemies before I'd had a chance to love them, multiple universes breaking into millions of possibilities, and not in the way I'd imagined, and still, everything making sense. At least, in my mind. Saw the one and only "boy"/"girl"-friend I'd had in my dream this morning. Nostalgy. Never dreamt about him/her, not then, not after that, but so many years on. A significant person in my life. So many significant people in my life: soulmates, friends, lovers... A love trough period that's now continuing for a year and nearly two months. Not as if I'd lost my ability to love people, it's just that I'm no longer what I appeared as, which was palatable to most, so unpalatable to me, but since my transition I truly am no longer palatable to the majority of people who are potential lovers. No wonder I'm feeling nostalgic. The saddest thing is, to the best of my knowlegde, this will continue for years and years... Just observed that the first ever lover in my life was a trans person, and the last will be also a trans person. How weird.

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Strange, stranger, strangest

The spring --
Too hot,
Stifling. 
People --
Too repetitive, 
Weird. 
Myself -- 
Too dismissive,
Bored...

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

They came - V

... Where do I begin, when it had not begun yet, except that one time I had rewound our future years, spaces, and emotions that we had had by then together in the waking vision I had of her/him. What do I say, when what is to be is yet taking shape in the myriads of karmic threads that were firmly woven even before we were born, step-by-step bringing us closer to each other, our rendezvous taking place once in a few lifetimes, not at every reincarnation. The woman, the man... the Human. My sole karmic twin flame. And I wait. And I walk alone, firm in my knowledge of what is to come. She/he is everything I ever needed and will ever need because it was I who brought her/him down to this earth. I am everything she/he ever needs and will ever need for it was she/he who brought me to this reincarnation, to do the things I needed to do, for us as souls, and she/he to be with me through this last, most important journey. We already met, we already know each other, but we walk our separate worlds until she/he sees me for who I am to her/him. And that's far off in the future. She/he suffers. She/he feels alone more than I ever felt for she/he has no knowledge about what is to come. I can only see everything, never comment, never fiddle, never interfere. I can only be a friend. My one and only, the one I waited for all my life, all my previous lifetimes, and will wait for in all the future lifetimes, if I am to still be in the samsara.

Monday, March 12, 2012

They came - IV

... She was the one I could have spent the rest of my life with. My Welsh beauty. The blue-eyed alien, the dweller of the multiple universes, the pillar of my life. When we first met virtually, I knew she was special. A few months later, I met her for the first time at the airport in Japan. As we stood outside at the airport, smoking the first of our thousands of cigarettes together, her eyes reminded me of my first love's eyes: the same penetrating, soul-baring eyes that looked beyond all bullshit people tend to obfuscate themselves with, and into the essence of my soul. My brilliant, gentle light-bearer. A lover, not a fighter, but a fighter par excellance when it came to a good cause. Most open heart, most open soul. The love of my life. The crutch I relied on for so many years for strength and courage. My soulmate. She left my life, but she left a mark in it. A seven-year long mark.

Sunday, March 11, 2012

They came - III

... She sees everything, visible and invisible, speakable and unspeakable. She radiates love, compassion, warmth and humour. A tiny brilliant thing with the biggest heart ever, she is all heart. Incredibly sensitive to everything around her, she tunes into people's energies, and thoughts, since thoughts are energies. She reads thoughts as if they were spoken word, an astounding ability. When we first met, she read me like an open book, and must've liked what she saw for we immediately became friends, more so than with the girl she came to see that night. She is a seer true, although her eyes are often unfocused staring beyond what's obvious, material. I saw her, too. And I fell in love with what I saw, for I, too, am a seer of people's souls. The beautiful smile, eyes that crinkle into cheery lines, nostrils that flare up when she doesn't like what she sees, a big and brave heart, gentle yet passionate soul, honesty with everyone, including her own person... Words can't do justice to who she is. How could I not love that special soul. She wove herself into my soul day after day, night after night in the time we spent together in November and December. When I got to know her better and better, my initial in-love feeling was replaced with the deepest recognition of the karmic purpose she was meant to bring into my life: love, friendship, companionship in the world that often negates such pure souls. My soulmate. She shines as the gold after which her short name is given, and she soars like the planets after which she is named. Her mere presence in my life pacifies me, assures me that everything is as it should be, right in time, right in space. She reminds me that no matter how lonesome I may feel from time to time, that I am not alone. And I miss her everyday.

Saturday, March 10, 2012

They came - II

... He's seemingly an arrogant prick. People's first impression of him is often of arrogance, boredom, indifference to all that's happening around him. He is often all that, as well as much more than what's on the surface. Yes, however sublime, supreme indifference he can feign, and it's on the surface. He's one of the most feeling, vulnerable, open and sensitive souls that I met. That receptivity and immersion in people's energies must hurt him almost physically, making him often pretend to be arrogant. His transparent eyes are genuinely gentle, bespeaking of all the undercurrents of his tender soul. From the time I started spending a lot of time with him, I found myself truly fascinated by him. I had to think hard for a month before I realised my fascination with him was indeed a fascination with his soul rather than me being in love with him. He's definitely my soulmate, and his purpose in my life is to revive the concept of true friendship beyond external and internal differences. I am grateful to have him in my life, for he's staying in it.

They came - I

... She was indeed a creature of light, air, and passion. The deepest onyx eyes that stared and stabbed into the depth of anyone's soul who cared enough to break through the barriers she walled herself with to investigate the young, strangely quiet, but get her angry, extremely passionate woman. The dimples that appeared when she smiled, an infrequent sight, friends and lovers allowed to see those beautiful indentations that, despite the cheery emotion they surrounded, always seemed too sad, too mocking, too self-deprecating. Soul-searching, spirit-baring eyes that were often in deep thought, but wait, was she not too young to be thinking that hard all the time? The first few weeks I knew her, she slept through everything, all classes and some dinners and some breakfasts. I had had no summer holidays that year, she neither, from the way she slept in the very first row, in front of the professors, the only difference between our exhaustion being she didn't hide it, while I did everything to catch up with my surroundings, new environment, new language, and to hide my bewilderment in the process of it all. Never unfriendly, but never welcoming anything beyond greetings, that quiet, brooding, self-deprecating girl was more than a friend, she was my soulmate, my self-discovery of being able to love someone unconditionally and irrevocably. When my wide-eyed, puppy love for her was finally felt and understood by her, she often self-righteously attacked me for "always thinking about sex", for not being able to sublimate my sexual drive. As if I had had an inkling of what to do with anyone sexually, a repressed, self-hating thing that I was. Those eyes never left me, still are with me in my dreams and memories, still in my life, for she was, still is, my soulmate. My irrational, incomprehensible attraction to her, never sexual then, I questioned and didn't understand. Although much in love with her, from the beginning I knew that nothing, ever, would come off it. Friends, young and cruel creatures, were often puzzled by why I was deeply in love with her. Does it matter why, ever? I, I thought it didn't matter why. I just was. She was it. One excessively intense karmic connection, a beautiful human being. How could anyone not love her. Fondest memories of her overshadow her present ability to feel me at even great distance in terms of time and space. She came, one of my soulmates, at the time I needed someone like her. As all karmic connections that serve some or the other purpose, she came and served her purpose, made me self-aware of my limitless heart. In my mind's eye, she is still the beautiful, angry, brooding, passionate and, at the same time, gentlest of the souls with the most beautiful eyes I've ever seen...

Friday, March 9, 2012

Онол номер 21

Шилдэг бие хамгаалалт бол нээлттэй байх.

Энэ сэтгэлийг яах вэ харин? Тайчиж шидээд, сэрээдэж гаргаад, урж тасдаад, тас мартаад, живүүлж эсвэл  шатаахсан...

Friday, March 2, 2012

Дуртай зүйлс - 1: хөгжим

Хөгжим гэдэг тухайн хүний дотоод ертөнцийн тусгал утгаар ямар хөгжим, хэрхэн сонсч байгаагаар нь хүнийг ойлгоход дөхөм санагддаг. Хөгжмийн таалал дээр мэдээж маргалдах зүйл байхгүй ч тухайн хүн хэн болох тухай мэдрэмж үүсдэг. Бүхэл бүтэн үеүд нэг, эсвэл хэдхэн төрлийн хөгжмөөр амьсгалан өндийдөг, хүн болдог, тухайн үеийнх нь дурсамжийг нэг аялгуу сэдрээдэг гэхээр хөгжим нь агуу. Өөрөө хөгжим зохиодог бол түүгээр нь тухайн хүнийг хэн болох талаар нь мэдрэх бас л дөхөм. Сүүлийн үед нэг эксийнхээ уран бүтээлд нугасгүй болж байгаа гэж жигтэйхэн. Бахархам. Уусч ором. Улаан фен болом тийм хөгжим бичдэг болсон байлээ. Арван хэдэн жилийн өмнө байгаагүй тийм өөр мэдрэмж, илэрхийлэлтэй болсон билээ л. Тэр эрэгтэй биш ч аргагүй л эр өсч, эсгий сунана гэдгийг түүн дээр харав, бахархав, хайрлав.

Хөгжимлөг хүн ч би өөрөө үнээр биш л. Гэхдээ мэдрэмжтэй гэж өөрийгөө баясгадаг. Соц үед өссөн учир сонгодгоос бусад барууны энэ тэр хөгжмийн тухайд таг, харанхуй үеийн хүүхэд. Багын л сонсох дуртай нь нөгөө л хүн болгоны мэдэх, олдоц сайтай Бах, Бетховен (аль алиныг нь ээжийн багын найзын төгөлдөр хуурын ангид сурч байсан охин надад аравтайд минь тоглож өгсөнөөс хойш биширсэн хоёр хөгжмийн зохиолчид), Григ (одоо хүртэл монголын радио, телевизэд түүний төгөл хуурын А минорын 1-р концертыг саундтрэкээр ашигладгийм билээ л), Моцарт, Вивальди... Энгийн хэрнээ тэнгэрлэг сонгодог хөгжим. 

1992 оноос харин ёстой рокер болох зам мөр маань MTV кабелийн шаардлагагүй гарснаас хойш эхэлсэн дээ. Тэр үедээ л рок ертөнцийн хувьсгал хийсэн альтернатив рок, тэр дундаа граанжийн анхдагч Нирвана, Рэйдиохэд, Саундгардэн, Пёөрл Жэм, Алис ин Чэйнз, Корн, Рэд Хот Чилли Пепперз, английн Сүэйд, Блёөр, Крэнберрийз, ПийЖэй Харвий, Найн Инч Нэйлз, Шинээд О'Коннор, байнга гарах мэйнстрийм рок (метал, блюз рок, жааз рок, глам рок) Лед Зеппелин, Роллинг Стоунз, Дэйвид Боуий, Эрик Клаптон, Стоун Тэмпл Пайлотс, Блэк Саббат, Айрон Мэйдн, Ганз-н-Роузез, Бон Жови, Мийтлоуф, Аэросмит, Мр Бийг... Ер нь л 90-ээд онд анх гадны хөгжим сонсч эхлээл савалттай, ууртай, өөрийгөө шууд илэрхийлсэн хөгжим сонсч байгаад сүүлдээ ерээд оны дунд ба сүүлээс нэлээд зөөлөрч 60, 70-аад оны рок болох Доорз, Грэйтфул Дэд, Жими Хэндрикс, Жанис Жоплин, Патти Смит, Жефферсон Эйрплэйн, Блондий, Жой Дивижн, Кинкз, Пинк Флойд, сүүлдээ бүр зөөлөрч Аланис Мориссетт, Кокто Твинз, Лиз Phair, R.E.M., Sarah McLachlan, Tori Amos, Ани ДиФрaнко, Фиона Аппл. Сүүлийн хэдэн сар амьсгалж байгаа хөгжим маань Адээль, Лэонард Кохэн, the Cliks, Аланис, Земфира, Саара Маклахлан (6-гийн 4 нь Канадынх байвал яахуу хэхэхэ).

Хөгжмөөс уйдвал би хүн биш болж байна гэсэн үг шүү. Шал палаа дуусгалаа.

Thursday, March 1, 2012

Хүчирхийллийн олон хэлбэр, бичиг баримт, баяр хөөр г.м.

Уул нь арай аюулгүй хэмээн өөрийгөө мэдэрсэн цагаас эхэлж блогоо үргэлжлүүлнэ гэж бодож байсан ч харамсалтай нь аюул, эвгүй байдал байнга нүүрлээд байгаа учир хамаагүй бичиж байхаар өнөөдрөөс шийдлээ. Тэртээ тэргүй их унгасан ч, бага унгасан ч гэдэг биз дээ. Тэгэхээр блог апдэйтууд байнгын шинж чанараа эргэж оллоо гэсэн үг. 

За тэгээд өнгөрсөн хагас сайнд халдлагад өртсөн тухайгаа монголоор нарийн бичдийм уу гэж бодлоо. Олон найзууд монголоор л уншмаар байна гэсэн учир. 2-р сарын 25-ны шөнийн 23:35-40-ийн ойролцоо баахан хүмүүс 100%-д ороод ирлээ. Бид хаалга үүдээ барьцан, хүмүүсээ гаргах гээд нэлээд юм болж байхад нэг найз маань 5-6 хүнтэй ороод ирлээ. Боломжгүй энэ тэр гэж ярьж эхэлж байтал эгчийн найз залуу явсан нэг баагий тэдний дунд бас ороод ирлээ. Анх тэр 100%-д 11-р сарын дундуур орж ирэхэд нь түүнийг 8 жил хагасын дараа харж байгаа учир таньсан ч үгүй, нэг найзтай маань ороод ирсэн байхаар найзтайгаа гангар гунгар гэсээр тэрэнтэй ч хэдэн үг сольмор болж. Гэтэл тэрээр тэнд байсан хүмүүст "Энэ Анараа одоо яагаад байгаам бэ? Дуу хоолой нь яачихсан юм? Үхсэндээ жүжиглээд байгаам? Энэ чинь эмэгтэй штээ" гэж ирээл баахан зүйл ярьж. Тэрийг нь ч мэдсэнгүй. Харин өөрөө хүрч ирээд "Чи намайг танихгүй л байнаа даа, би Ачиймаагийн Ганзо байштээ" гэхээр нь "Өө тийм, миний ээжийг 2003 оны 10-р сарын эхээр зоддог, бас дүүг минь өрөөний нэг булангаас нөгөө хүртэл өшиглөсөн баагий яг мөн байна" гэж бодоод "Тийм бол чамтай тэр тусмаа ярих зүйл байхгүй. Одоо гар" гэснээр тэр гарч явсан. Гэтэл тэрр шөнө дахиад ороод ирж. Танингуутаа би хаалгынхаа цоожийг тайлаад онгойлгоод "Ганзо, гар, яг одоо гар даа" гэхэд тэр ойртож ирээд миний баруун гараас зулгаан "Тэгвэл хамт гаръя" гэхээр нь "Чамтай гарахгүй" гээд гараа угзарч авах хооронд баруун нүдрүү зангидсан гараараа маш хүчтэй хоёр удаа цохьсон юм. Уул нь банди нартай зодолдож тоглож өссөн ч нас биед хүрсэн эрэгтэй хүнд 2 дах удаадаа гарын шүүс болсон нь эгчийнхээ нөхөр болон экс найз залууд. Дэндүү хүчтэй цохьсоноос нь болоод нокаутад ороод манараад бүр яах ч сөхөөгүй болсон байсан ч цохих үедээ хэлж байсан үг нь толгойд цуурайтсаар "Чи их сайхан эр гэлүү". Мөөгий тэр дор нь мөс тавиулсан ч эрчимтэйгээр хавдаж эхэлсэн байсан. Маргааш нь бүтэн сайн байв. Өглөөнөөс хойш Отгоо, Баяа хоёртой холбоо барих гэсэн ч амжилтгүй болж, үдээс хойшид нь нэг Отгоог олж аваад Чингэлтэйд очиж хэрэг бүртгүүлсэн. Шүүх эмнэлэг харин нүдний гэмтлийг мэргэжлийн түвшинд оношлохгүй гэснээс болж маргааш нь Орбита оров. Ямар ч байсан контузия глазного яблока гэсэн оноштой ч нэн санаа зовмоор нь торлог болон шар эд хавдсан, компьютер томографиар ухархайн ясны цөмрөлттэй байх магадлалтай гэсэн онош тавигдсан. Үзсэн нүдний эмч "Их азтай байна" гэсэн. Харин өчигдөр цээжнийхээ мэс заслын талаар ярихаар мэс засалчтайгаа цаг авсан байсан тул очиход "Нүдний ухайрхайн хэсгээр дотоод цус алдалтаас болж нүдний доод талд гематом үүсэн ба үүнийг даруй гаргахгүй бол энэ хэвээрээ тогтоно" гээд зүсэлт хийж баахан нөжөрсөн цус гаргаснаас хойш Квазимодо болсон байсан баруун тал арай гайгүй болж байгаа. Маргааш өглөө бас дахин боолтод орно. Толгой бол өвдсөн хэвээр. Ямар ч байсан зүв зүгээр байж байгаад зодуулсандаа үнэхээр гомдолтой. Хамгийн тэнэг нь "Цагдаа дууд" гээд байхад тэр олон хүний нэг нь ч дуудчаагүй явдал. Хамт ажилладаг хүмүүстээ заавал сайн хэлж анхааруулахгүй бол арай л хүнд санагдсан. Угаасаа ч анх удаа ч ингэж зодуулж байгаа юм биш, шилжилтэд орсноосоо хойш. Тав дах нь, хамгийн ноцтой нь.

Өчигдөр Аланис Мориссеттын "Versions of violence" гэж дууг анх удаа олж сонсов. Сүүлийн халдлага ул мөртэй, гэмтэлтэй, гэрчтэй, буух эзэнтэй, буцах хаягтай. Харин зарим халдлагууд зөвхөн сэтгэл зүйнх байдаг. Хэн нэгнийг үгүйсгэх, үг хэлээр басах, доромжлох, хүчээр хүсээгүй зүйлийг нь хийлгэх, хүссэн зүйлээ хийлээ, эсвэл хийсэнгүй гэж хаях, хайраар дутаах, үйлдлийг нь зүй бусаар шүүх, хянах, хочлох, янз бүрээр дуудах... Бүгд биет ул мөр үлдээдэггүй ч сэтгэл зүйн хүчирхийлэл. Сая огтоос танихгүй лесбиян бололтой нэг эмэгтэй намайг фейсбүүкээр "Чи их сагсуу байхаа. Билгийн (уул нь зөв бичгийн дүрмээрээ бэлгийн л) цөөнх байж ийм сагсуу байж болохгүй шүү дээ" гэж өртсөн халдлагынхаа тухай бичсэн дээр минь коммент үлдээсэн болохоор нь тэр хүний хэлсэн зүйл ч хүчирхийлэл мөн болох талаар бичмээр санагдаад. Хэдий болтол янз бүрээр дуудуулах вэ, та минь. Би хүнд гэм хор хийгээгүй өөрийнхөөрөө л яагаад амьдарч болохгүй байгаам бол. Яагаад миний оршин тогтнохыг хүртэл зарим хүмүүс шүүх эрхтэй гэж өөрсдийгөө боддог юм бол. Тэр 12-р сарын 22 ба 24-ний шөнүүд бас толгойд орж ирэв. Манайхан буюу ихэнх монголчууд маань дэндүү ёс жудаггүй. Хэн ч хэзээ ч ямар ч тэнэг зүйл хэлж байсан ч хэнд ч түүнийх нь төлөө гар хүрэх ёсгүйг ойгодоггүй. Мэдэхийг хүсдэггүй. Хэрэв хүн өөрөө зөвшөөрөөгүй л бол хүчтэй түлхэх нь хүртэл аль хэдийн эрүүгийн хэргийн үндэслэл болдог хууль нь ч байхгүй учир хүмүүс дураараа дургиж болно гэж үздэг. Нөхцөл ийм байхад сэтгэл зүйн хүчирхийллийн талаар яриад ч хэрэггүй биз. 

Сэтгэл зүйн хүчирхийлэл гэснээс нээрээ банкнаас мөнгөө авах тоолондоо маш эвгүй байдалд орсоор. Гематомаа хагалуулсны төлбөрөө аваачиж өгөх гээд өглөө банк оров. "Энэ чинь эмэгтэй хүний бичиг баримт байштээ. Таны бичиг баримт хаана байна?" гэдэг асуултаас үнэн залхаж байна. Банк орох тоолонд шүү. Гэтэл энэ бол төрийн миний эсрэг гарахыг хүлээн зөвшөөрч буй хүчирхийлэл. Учир нь хүйсийн тэмдэглэгээг өөрчлөх журам одоо хүртэл байхгүй. Би харахад ч, сонсоход ч, үнэртэхэд ч эр хүн байгаад байхад мэдээж намайг хүний бичиг баримттай л явж байна гэж дүгнэнэ. Маш удахгүй Хууль зүй дотоод хэргийн яаманд биеэрээ очиж, сайд эсвэл дэд сайдтай иргэдийг хүлээж авах цагаар нь уулзана гэж бодож байгаа. Үгүй бол алхам тутамдаа эвгүйгээс эвгүй байдалд орсон хэвээр байх болно. Манай транс залуусын дунд бичиг баримтаа авалгүй явсаар 20 жил амьдарсан ч хүмүүс бий. "Эм" гэж тэмдэглүүлэхгүйн тулд. Хэрэвзээ бичиг баримтаа солих нөхцөлийг нь бүрдүүлчвэл хүйсийн шилжилттэй холбоотой дааврын эмчилгээ ч, мэс засал ч тодорхой хэмжээгээр үнэгүй эсвэл нэлээд хөнгөлөлттэй болох ёстой, учир нь энэ бол биологийн алдааг засч буй эмнэлгийн ажилбар хэмээн тооцогдох ёстой учир. Ихэнх оронд тэгдэг учир. Ядаж хүйсийн тэмдэглэгээг сольдог дүрэм журмыг нь гаргуулчвал санаа амрах гээд байдаг. 

Баяртай мэдээ гэвэл өчигдөр орой цээжнийхээ мэс заслыг хийлгэх мэс засалчтайгаа уулзсан. Аль болох хурдан хийлгэмээр байна. Дараагийн дааврын тарианы өмнө хийлгэх ёстой гэж хэлсэн учир 4 сарын сүүлээр, 5 сарын эхээр мэс засал маань болох магадлалтай. Эмч өөрөө транс залуусын цээжний хагалгаанд орж байгаагүй ч тийм мэс засал дээр байлцсан, бас мэдээлэл, зөвлөгөө авах гадаадын эмч нартай холбоотой байдаг гэсэн нь том завшаан гэж бодож байгаа. Бүтэн наркозтой хийлгэх ёстой. Жоохон айдас байж л байна. Ээжийнхэн мэс засал даахдаа муухан хүмүүс. Гэхдээ ганц амьдрах амьдралаа дутуу дульмаг, өөртөө эрэмдэг санагдан амьдарсаар залхсан учир надад алдах зүйл үнэн алга. Болох зүйл болохоороо болно. 2012 оны 4 сар мандтугай!

Хоёр долоо хоног хүрэхтэй үгүйтэй эхэлсэн байсан эрлээшиншип дууссан. Харин өөр нэг охин надад маш их таалагдаж эхэлсэн. Ёстой элдэв янзын ааш авиргүй, түс тас, хөгжилтэй гар. Тийм л охид таалагддийм дөө, өөрийгөө бодоод байсан чинь. Зун түүгээр жинхэнэ ёсоор мотоцикл заалгахаар болсон :))

Crowdfunding!

As many of you know, we are doing an online crowdfunding for the first time in the history of the Centre, and it happens to be for the Equa...