Tuesday, June 5, 2012

A year on

June 5. Here I am, marking my first year on hormone replacement therapy, a year of absolute assurance that yes, this is exactly what it was that I had wanted and needed to do since the age of ten, that this is precisely what was amiss prior to my transition. The physical changes were almost immediate: my voice began cracking and changing already after two weeks, at first painful, but ultimately exhilarating growth down there, steady expansion of hair growth, and the last few months, of facial as well as belly fur. The emotional changes were instantaneous: a few minutes after my first injection I physically felt incredible peace and calm instead of my habitual high-strung nervousness that was often ready to overflow in anger and rage, if situation demanded it. Of course, I am still what I am, but that strung out, haunted and hounded female-bodied person who felt so wrong being in that mode (body, etc.) is no longer there. Instead, a man, centred, often calm even in the most strenuous of circumstances emerged. A happy man. I hate most of my pictures from before the transition. In most of them, no matter where, who with, how, I am straining too much, smiling too much, pretending, trying to pass, but ultimately failing to convince myself because as I look back at those pictures, I only see someone trying so hard to be something that he never was. The last one year of externalising of what I had felt throughout my life helped me to claim my human identity and to calm down in the process. No one would be mad enough to call me serene, but even I know that I no longer give off that high vibration frustration and staccato outbursts of energy. And what a year in terms of new friendships and connections! When someone is finally one with himself, it is so easy being in one's skin that all connections with others acquire a deeper, more genuine, truer shade of soul connection. Beautiful friends I made are thus reflections of my soul. Beautiful people that are in my life now are reflections of my being in this world. The beautiful community that fully embraced my transition to the extent that I catch gay guys being fascinated with me has been a blessing. Without them, my friends and my community, my transition and my living as a fully-fledged male, albeit transmale, would've been unthinkable. A year of scouring that left only those in my life who mean a lot to me, and I, to them. How could I not be happy. Spaces freed and spaces filled. Pieces finally falling into their rightful spots.

2 comments:

  1. Wonderful memory. It was so nice to read about it. Moose has read it. hehe

    ReplyDelete

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