Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Update on love, life, and other L-letter words

My peace I give to you 

Love: nothing to report except that I'd become irrevokably convinced of my decision I made on 3 November that I must be thankful for the new world being opened by my emotions towards someone very special, to be open in the future to all possiblities those feelings uncovered in me, and to move on. That no matter how strongly or genuinely I felt, the feelings were never reciprocal, that the confession I'd shoved down their throat months ago was choking the life out of them. Three weeks ago I couldn't possibly imagine the state we'd be in today. Yet here we are, everything's working out for the best. Life: things in life except love are picking up. After weeks and weeks, or more like three months of walking with my head in the clouds, I finally decided to get into the work-mode, so been busy tackling the big translation job to be done by the end of December, which should enable me to buy my ticket to Quito. Other L letters: L is a beautiful letter, isn't it. So is someone whose name starts with L. - I'm seeing them on Saturday for the first date (well, it is a date to me...).

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Онол номер 23: Аз жаргал

"Аз жаргалын нууц бол эрх чөлөө. Эрх чөлөөний нууц бол зүрх зориг" -
                                                                                 Эртний Грекийн түүхч Тусидайдес 
Аз жаргалын нууц бол бүгдийг мэдрэх. Жинхэнэ утгаар нь мэдрэхэд энэ болгоныг хайрлахаас өөр аргагүй. Энэ болгоныг хайрлахын хажуугаар эдгээр мэдэрч буй мэдрэмжиндээ уягдахгүй байх, бүх зүйл эцэстээ хоосон гэдгийг мэдрэх, бүх зүйл эцсийн дүндээ яг байх ёстойгоороо, явагдах жам ёсоороо явж байгаа гэдгийг хүлээн зөвшөөрөх эрх чөлөө юм шиг санагддаг. Би эрх чөлөөтэй, чи эрх чөлөөтэй. Гэхдээ эрх чөлөөгөө эдлэхийн тулд хүн мэдрэмжээрээ амьдрах зүрх зоригтой байх ёстой. Мэдрэмж агуу, дэндүү баялаг учир. Гэхдээ тэр мэдрэмж ч эцэстээ зөвхөн эхний алхам, маш чухал ч гэлээ. Бүгдийг хайрлах ч юунд ч, хэнд ч үл уягдан мөч бүрийг алдалгүй амьдрах. Аз жаргал. Ер нь аз жаргал гэж юу вэ. Аз жаргалыг хүмүүс "Хэзээ нэгэн цагт ийм зүйл тохиолдвол би аз жаргалтай болно" гэж янз бүрийн зүйл боддог. Тэр нь боллоо ч хүмүүс аз жаргалтай болдоггүй төдийгүй "Тэгвэл одоо энийг л авчвал, хийчвэл, өөрийн болгочвол" гэж шунасан ч аз жаргалыг олдоггүй түүх давтагдана. Аз жаргалыг гаднаас биш, өөрөөсөө олох. Нөхцөл байдлаас биш яг одоогийн орчноосоо олох. Хэзээ нэгэн цагт биш, өнгөрсөнд биш, яг одоо л зөвхөн байгааг мэдрэх. Тэгэхэд л туйлын амар амгаланг эдлэж, тэр нь аз жаргал гэдгийг бас мэднэ. 

Аз жаргал бол бүхнээс чөлөөлөгдөх эрх чөлөө.

Tuesday, November 13, 2012


Шинэ зүйлс. Ногоон зүйлс. Эхэлж буй зүйлс. Мөч бүр. Мэдрэмж бүр. Одоо. Аз жаргал.

New beginnings. Green things. Beginning things. Every moment. Every feeling. Now. Happiness.

Thursday, November 8, 2012

The last stop

Karmic fruits. Kali yuga, the era humanity finds itself in for the last couple of millennia, is known for its fast and quick delivery of the consequences for your actions and inactions. Even the mental ones. Last night I realised that my, and perhaps, many people's, last karma is detachment. Detachment, that elusive state of mind, a prerequisite for enlightenment, together with unconditional love, is my last stop. That I am learning to let go, still. That I'm still learning to love, and to let go, that I still have a long way to go. If it took me a few years to learn other karmic, soul lessons, how long will this last?

Saturday, November 3, 2012


Often, I don't need answers. If I desire an answer to a question or a doubt, I ask for it, I'm not shy about what I truly want. Lately I find that I hadn't been able to ask for answers because the answers to my certain questions or statements have always been obvious. Instead of hearing the words, I hear and feel the orchestra of feelings, those very soul-tearing, gut-wrenching feelings bouncing up and around, inside and about. Afraid to face my reality as dismal as it may and probably does seem to others, I grow inward. I'm branching out inside myself, learning the stillness of growing things. Getting used to the green, growing things. Fresh things. Things inside taking root and expanding. My answers lie inside me, have always been there. Now I learn silence. Stillness. The quietude of the tremendous energy of green, fresh things requires solitary contemplation and solitary movement. Do trees look back on their sapling era and laugh at that one bittersweet romance with the passing spring wind that left the sapling broken at the time, but which had helped it grow into a beautifully shaped tree? Would I look back at this period of much confusion and yearning, and laugh? Or would I heave with uncontrollable sobs? Will I have retained the peace I learnt during this period, will I carry all this forth? I never needed answers from people. All the answers have always been inside me. Things are as they are. No more, no less.

Thursday, November 1, 2012

Cyborg files - 1

You and I sit across from each other, with space, objects and silence separating us. Both programmed to not acknowledge the obvious, the glaring, the unhidden. I stare at the flame between us. I see your face within the flame. You look up and say "If I could transfer my feelings to you right now, you will probably go numb with shock or scream out loud." You continue "If I close my eyes, I feel as if an awful lot of water would come out from my eyes, as much as a river". I ask "Why." "Just". 

If I could transfer my feelings to you right now, I think, you will feel yearning. Deep, deep, deep yearning. Wonder. Amazement. Happiness. Serenity. Anticipation. Yearning. Programmed to deny these feelings in inter-species since I'm a soldier, and you're a utility, we sit in silence, utterly entranced. Utterly comfortable. Although I can't touch you, you're in every bite of my system. In my head, I touch you, hug you all the time. To let you know I'm here, I'm alive, and that I'm with you. That I love you. Despite all the programming.


As many of you know, we are doing an online crowdfunding for the first time in the history of the Centre, and it happens to be for the Equa...