Saturday, December 28, 2013

2013: review

I was happy to know the one I shouldn't even be in love with (but the fact remains) also gets depressed around his birthday and new year. To obtain an affirmation that I am not the only weirdo. To feel the affinity on so many levels...

Review: 2013 the year began with me working my ass off finishing off the translation of my part of a fashion encyclopedia that got finally published in October. The second book that I've jointly translated, the first was published in 2011, "The Secret History of the Mongol Attire". Then later in January I ran away to Ecuador to try to get over my breaking and broken heart over a year-long (which by November this year became a two-year long) unrequited, very carnal love that shook everything I thought I knew about myself as it was a guy I fell in love with. A little more than three months in Ecuador were a time of reflection, learning of my soul movements, learning some Spanish, helping with the Proyecto Transgenero, doing a weekly radioshow with trans activists around the world. From March onwards I began to have irregular spotting and bleeding that shouldn't happen after a year and a half of hormone replacement therapy, was shocked to my core to see that the people who brought me over wouldn't help, so I returned home in early May cutting my plans to stay in Ecuador for a year. The summer was exceptional: 3 July 2013 marked the passing of the Parliamentary Resolution number 3 that all UN recommendations given to Mongolia in relation to the implementation of LGBTI rights (which yours truly and my ex-wife and colleauges have been working on since 2008) be implemented by the Government of Mongolia, thanks to the National Human Rights Commission's inclusion in their annual report of the LGBT isues (yours truly wrote the report that was the basis of the NHRC's annual repot). Plus: had a team of young, like-minded people to work on the elections observations, had my first gay date ever that went all wrong at the end, not completely without my fault and then two serene months with a girl who was at some point in love with me, but who recognised that her feelings for me were not carnal, but spiritual. The autumn: return of the prodigal heartbreaker into my life, me obsessing even stronger, and it all ending in tears, blood and stupour in late November through his many acts that left no love in my soul. With that love dying, the seeds sown mid-November by an incredibly sensitive, sensual, highly intellectually compatible man have by now overgrown and made the jungle of my heart, despite his circumstances that turned out to be way beyond my wild imagination. December: had my chest reconstruction surgery number 2 in Bangkok, wasn't very happy at the unveiling, I'll think thrice of going under a knife again for a chest reconstruction surgery number 3, and definitely never with that surgeon.

The recurring theme of my life has always been love. For my existence has become love. However, since I don't see any way to go forward, or backward, to that matter, with the one I'm obsessively in love with, I have decided to go to San-Francisco in April, for a month or two. Running away again. Because every time I fall in love, it is an all-engrossing, all-encompassing soul affair that leaves no space for anything else. May 2014 be luckier. Happy 2014!

Friday, December 27, 2013

Women, men and everything in between: phases of attraction - theory number 30

To crave women. To crave their softness, odour, touch. To suddenly realise that I've been craving it all. If only I could find a woman who will mesmerise me to the end of my fingertips... Am back in the realm of female sensuality after two years of being immersed solely in the realm of male sensuality, mostly my own. I guess there are phases of attraction, after all, my theory number 30.

Thursday, December 26, 2013

The eyes of others - II

"The slayer of hearts. The slayer who loves, above all, and who is loved. The gentle assassin, me. Unwitting victims from afar, hearts hemorrhaging, morphing into words, spilling out in music and colours. 
The gentle assassin whose only fault is his limitless heart." 
-- A.N., 10/10/2012

The gentle assassin who "kills" with love. Is that a bad death? I'd say no. Having felt everything that love unlocks in me and having vicariously experienced through others what that unlocked love gives them, I'd say that would be the best death to die from. Time to love again came, and it is Now. How is still the question. What do they see, the eyes of others? But do I even care about what they see, the eyes of others? If that was and still is nothing to care about, what lies ahead? To live without footsteps, to live without a road ahead is what I choose again and again: to remain free of everything that would tie me down and hold me back. The free spirit. The slayer of hearts. The gentle assassin.

Sunday, December 22, 2013

мэдрэмж. бодол. үйлдэл.

мэдрэмж. бодол. үйлдэл. мэдрэмж. бодол. үйлдэл. мэдрэмж. бодол. үйлдэл. мэдрэмж. бодол. үйлдэл. мэдрэмж. бодол. үйлдэл. мэдрэмж. бодол. үйлдэл. мэдрэмж. бодол. үйлдэл. мэдрэмж. бодол. үйлдэл. мэдрэмж. бодол. үйлдэл. мэдрэмж. бодол. үйлдэл. мэдрэмж. бодол. үйлдэл. мэдрэмж. бодол. үйлдэл. мэдрэмж. бодол. үйлдэл. мэдрэмж. бодол. үйлдэл. мэдрэмж. бодол. үйлдэл. мэдрэмж. бодол. үйлдэл. мэдрэмж. бодол. үйлдэл. мэдрэмж. бодол. үйлдэл. мэдрэмж. бодол. үйлдэл. мэдрэмж. бодол. үйлдэл. мэдрэмж. бодол. үйлдэл. мэдрэмж. бодол. үйлдэл. мэдрэмж. бодол. үйлдэл. мэдрэмж. бодол. үйлдэл. үйлийн үрийн эцэсгүй тойрог юм биз дээ. үйлийн үр тарихгүй байх хамгийн энгийн хэлбэр нь яг тэндээ, тэр үедээ, тэр орчиндоо, хийж буй зүйлдээ, мэдэрч буй мэдрэмжиндээ бүхэлдээ уусах, бас орчныг тэр хэмжээгээр сонор мэдрэг хүлээж авах, мэдрэх. юуг ч үлдээлгүй бүгдийг мэдрэх. тултал. үлдэх зүйл зөвхөн эерэг энерги байхад л муу үйлийн үр тарьдаггүй бололтой. үйлийн үргүй амьдрах нь бүр өөр...

Monday, December 16, 2013

Soul dreams, violent relationships, etc.

Form April 2004, after a year and a half of an unbearable, but extremely sexual relationship with a violent drunkard (who is now no longer a drunkard, but who apparently still beats on their partner), after getting out of that relationship alive (although friends and family always feared that one night they might receive a call from the police telling them that I was dead at their hands), for the first time in a long while I had a rest solely made possible by me being out of Mongolia. A month before that, my then significant other had a jealousy fit and stabbed herself in the gut twice with a small knife over a girl she suspected I was fucking. When I saw the act, I fled. If taking a knife and sticking it in their own guts was so simple, who was to say that I was not going to be next?! I fled for my life. I fled Mongolia a week after that for a conference in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil. And then Japan, my Master's studies.

After ten days of being in Japan, I had the most amazing dream: I was in a forest village, but the village was being pillaged by enemies, all the huts ablaze, havoc and screams filled the air. I was terrified, running amok trying to escape all that terror and suddenly there were two horsemen. I clutched at their saddles, right between the two horses - where did all that strength come from? - and on we rode off into the dark forest. We rode for a long time, and I was finally beginning to feel my arms that before didn't feel anything: all my thoughts were about the escape. As I was beginning to feel as if I was about to faint from exhaustion, and the tension of trying to hold onto two saddles of the horsemen who saved me, we finally rode out of the forest and onto the seashore just as the twilight was beginning to thin into a break of dawn. I let go and fell. And so did one of the horses. One of my saviour horses, a white one, lay there snorting heavily. The rider I saw for the first time: he appeared to be a native American-looking man with a stern, deeply etched face, but somehow not unkind in all that severity. He looked on at his dying horse, sorrow filling not just his face, but his whole being. All that while I remember feeling incredibly guilty for had it not been for me, the horse would've still been alive. With the last snort and last breath, the horse died. The horseman lifted his dead white horse as if it was a mere weightless child and carried it into the sea and I folowed them both. He waded into the water, and so did I. The water was tepid, or maybe I was freezing and so the water seemed warm, I don't know, but as I followed them into the sea, he went deeper and then pushed off his horse, saying final words into her/his ear. It was an intimate farewell. I looked up and I saw that the sun was rising, but more than that, I reveled in the feeling of the warm sea. I, too, wanted to be pushed into the water and set afloat. Deeper and deeper I waded. And then I assumed the foetal position because that's all I wanted to do, to be submerged. The water... The luxurious feel of that warm sea is still with me... I don't know how to swim, I knew I had to come up for breath, but I just didn't want to get out of the water. After everything -  the village pillaged, hours or so it seemed of us riding through the dark forest to save our lives, the dead saviour horse - I just wanted to stay in there. And then I took a breath in the water. Instead of water rushing into my lungs, I felt air. I opened my eyes, I was still in the water, but I was breathing! I stayed like that for the longest time in the foetal position, being bounced back and forth by the water... As I became warmer, I relaxed and I floated. Up. I knew I was floating on the surface now. The feel of water, the beautfiful liquid all around me, my safe haven lulling me. After a long time I opened my eyes to see that the pre-dawn greyness gave way to a new morning, with the sun up for a few hours as it was nearly at its zenith. As I lay floating in the water looking up at the sun and the sky, I had this urge to fly. Just to up and soar. And I did. Effortlessly. As I was soaring higher and higher, I looked down and saw that I was laying in the sea where ruby red and dark blue waters met, that I was far from the seashore where I left my saviours. And I continued to soar... And when I woke up, it was with the serenity and happiness I had forgotten. It was mine again. A soul dream. A healing dream. A dream of what was, and what was about to take place.

That relationship was the most violent relationship I had in my life. It was routine, almost, to get strangled. I would faint with that face that I loved so dearly, the last blurry vision... I would come to, see that I was on the floor, my signifcant other sitting on the sofa, not even looking at me. I would scramble to my feet, giant sobs bursting from my chest... Never had I been so violated in my life, and by someone I loved so dearly. Surely it must've destroyed me on some levels. My friends used to tell me that the spark that was uniquely Anaraa was dimming in those one and a half years I spent caged in that violent relationship. Even the so-called feminists I worked with who saw me coming into work with a bruised up neck and face would revert their faces. Especially the one who talks all the talk and never walks the walk. She never asked what was wrong while preaching from podiums about domestic violence as well as any other violence. And I was dying, dying, dying... That relationship nearly broke my wings, but I regained them, and I fly now. I soar every day because I had had that experience of being violated to the core of my being. And the only reason of all that violence was jealousy. My then significant other never trusted me that I wouldn't fuck other people. The truth is, because I was suspected every day, because I had to pacify her every day, because I was sick and tired of her looking at me and noticing me smiling at people and then going home and throwing a rampant violent rage tantrum, I did fuck a girl once. Just to finally fulfill her prophecy. Just to see how it felt to be unfaithful. It was shitful. Never had I before been unfaithful, never was I again, in that relationship or other relationships. Domestic violence is real. And it doesn't matter whether you are in a straight relationship, lesbian or gay relationship. Or even a relationship where one is a trans person. What my ex wife did, her refusal to talk to me about my innermost need to transition, also constituted a violence, although she never admits it now. As my need to transition became stronger, and the more she negated it, I became angrier and angrier. I would fly off at the smallest things, but I never hurt her physically. Verbally, yes. But she, she did hurt me physically, once. And then tried to me hurt twice more, well after we had separated. Just because I said that there was karma, the last one being towards the end of July 2011. Post-transition my life has also not been free of violence: unexpectedly for myself and for anyone, I fell in love with a guy for the first time in my life. He was violent to me on two occasions. Like a fool, I took it. He continued to deny my reality of a transman, called me a woman, a faggot, I took it as a fool. I took it all, swallowed it. But no more.

Violence only begets violence. What happened happened. It can't be undone. And finally, here I am. A transman who had spent his adult life being in relationships half of which were violent, physical or emotional - it's all the same, and I had denounced violence, be it in my intimate relaitonships, or others. I stand for non-violence in everything. No one should be subject to violence. I had to write my story of surviving violence in intimate relationships because of someone. I hope she doesn't repeat my history. I hope no one repeats my history of being violated and taking it as a due, as something that should happen. It is not done. It must not be. I hope she heals. I hope she finds a way out of whatever is ailing her. No one deserves violence.

Sunday, December 15, 2013

Reunion, etc.

I had such a very lovely time with my first university classmate Amarbuyan, met her son Eruult for the first time, what a lovely, well-spoken boy! It was a pleasure. As we parted, I said the only words I know are true: everything is a blessing in disguise. Whatever we human beings experience in our lifetimes is meant to make us richer as souls, and that's all that matters, that's all we need to remember. Then wandered off by myself to the MBK for a bit of shopping: some essential oils for burning and a beautifully handmade coconut shell lamp for myself, a necklace for Saku, some lights for my cousin and some friends, and a couple of T-shirts. Now, the rest of the time in Bangkok I will spend quiet and contemplative indoors.

Saturday, December 14, 2013

Surgery update

Yesterday was the unveiling, taking off of the post-surgical bandaging and putting on ordinary bandaging with which I can shower. The results of the surgery: I can say that my chest is looking better than before, but the nipples are now non-existent as opposed to reconstructed, my right side of the chest still looks lop-sided. Threw a fit over these. Dr Pichet said he will continue to make it better if I wanted, but I can't, just can't face another surgery on my chest, enough. Too much scar tissue means no sensitivity will be left in the chest skin, and I don't want that, can't have that. But yeah, ok, my chest will look better than before despite the scars. Scars are adornment of a man, but I will at some point get scar treatment, the technology is becoming amazing. Signing off to listen to Zemfira.

Friday, December 13, 2013

Онол номер 29

2004 онд бичиж байсан зүйлсээсээ энд оруулав. Эргээд бараг л арван жилийн дараа харахад яг л тэр мэдрэмжүүд хэв хэвээр... Юу ч өөрчлөгдөөгүй мэт. Гэтэл бүх зүйл өөрчлөгдчихсөн байдаг. Бүх зүйл өөрчлөгдөж байсан ч мэдрэмж хэзээ ч өөрчлөгддөггүйг онол номер 29 болгов.

Thursday, December 12, 2013

Зарим өдрүүд | Some days

2017 оны 7-р сарын сүүлээр хэвлэлтээс гарах "Амьдрал, хайр, эрх чөлөө: дэлхийн шилдэг ЛГБТ яруу найргийн антологи"-д багтсан

Зарим өдөр зовнил,
Зарим өдөр баяр,
Зарим өдөр чамайг
Залхаан хилэгнүүлдэг.
Зарим өдөр,
Зарим өдөр юу ирж буйг хараад
Бодсоноос илүү гэрэлтдэг.

Зарим өдөр
Өө, би лав хэзээ ч...! гэхэд
Зарим өдөр чи
Бурханыг үүрд магтан дуулдаг.
Зарим өдөр чи
Бурханыг хараан зүхээд дараа нь
Тэр л худалтайгаа тэмцдэг.
Зарим өдөр ноцолдоостой,
Тэгээд бас гингэнээстэй.
Харин зарим нь
Хохьмой яс ч үлдээлгүй яваастай.
Зарим өдөр гав ганцаарханаа

Эгч минь, юу хэлж буйгаа би мэдэхгүй,
Залбирахгүй л бол өөр хүмүүс ч мэддэггүй.
Хайр л цор ганц хариулт гэдгийг,
Олсон дээр дэнжигнэгч л зөвхөн бүжигчинг би мэдэх.

Амраг олсноосоо унах өнөөдөр
Хэрхэн бид залбирснаас шалтгаалан тогтоно.
Хэн ч үл мэдэх бурхан биш
Бид л бие биеэ тэвэрнэ.
Унан буй мөнх бус тэр бидний ахан дүү.

Зарим өдөр явдаг,
Зарим өдөр гашууддаг,
Зарим өдөр чи бараг л үл итгэдэг.
Зарим өдөр чамд итгэдэг,
Зарим нь ч үгүй,
Зарим өдөр чамд итгэхэд
Харин чи үгүй.
Зарим өдөр шаналал,
Зарим өдөр галзуурал,
Зарим өдөр чамайг
Санаснаас чинь ч илүү баярлуулдаг.
Зарим өдөр, зарим өдөр харин

Гэрэлтэхийн дээдийн гэрчүүд болдог.

Жеймс Болдуин
(хөрвүүлсэн би бээр)

Some days
Some days worry
some days glad
some days
more than make you
Some days,
some days, more than
when you see what’s coming
on down the line!

Some days you say,
oh, not me never ⎯ !
Some days you say
bless God forever.
Some days, you say,
curse God, and die
and the day comes when you wrestle
with that lie.
               Some days tussle
then some days groan
and some days
don’t even leave a bone.
Some days you hassle
all alone.

I don’t know, sister,
what I’m saying,
nor do no man,
if he don’t be praying.
I know that love is the only answer
and the tight-rope lover
the only dancer.
When the lover come off the rope
the net which holds him
is how we pray,
and not to God’s unknown,
but to each other ⎯ :
the falling mortal is our brother!

Some days leave
some days grieve
some days you almost don’t believe.
Some days believe you
and you won’t.
Some days worry
some days mad
some days more than make you glad.
Some days, some days,
more than shine,
coming on down the line!

James Baldwin

Tuesday, December 10, 2013

Out with the surgery, in with the plans

Since I'm pretty much broke after this trip (with the rent paid up until mid-March, I really needn't worry about the money), I will hopefully get a few interpretation gigs in the first few months of the next year, with the earnings from which I plan to visit San-Francisco for a couple of months just to be in a place where I will be completely accepted. This, the acceptance of me as I am, a man, albeit a transman, but a man nonetheless, is of utmost importance given the emotional turmoil that's been ruling my life ever since I fell in love, properly with all the sexual feelings as well as emotional feelings just as it used to be with women, with a guy for the first time in my life. The two year-long love that self-sustained showed me the fact that I was still seen as a woman in his eyes. Even after my top surgery, even after my beard started growing, even after my first gay sex. The time we spent together as friends should have shown him my true colours, but he was all too blind to them: he was blinded by his own prejudice and transphobia. He will continue to live his life in blindness, he will live a half-life the rest of his life because he chose to do so. I, on the other hand, choose to move forward, however painful it is. I ran away to Ecuador the first time he shocked me with: "I don't know what to choose". I am not a "what", I am a "who". If he was ever attracted to me, it was to me a man, not a woman since he never even knew me pre-transition. About a month and a half ago, he shocked me once more: "You are the most effeminate fag that I know of". Then about two and a half weeks ago, he shocked me once again: "I see you as an older sister". I took it all, swallowed it all, I didn't even have a desire to punch him in his smug little pretty face because I didn't want to lose him. More than that, I've gone beyond my oath to myself in regards to him: I promised myself that I won't ever allow anyone to touch me in any other way than lovingly, and he has, twice. Enough is enough. It took me a year to come to this final farewell. I will look back on this period of my life and will laugh uncontrollably at his cowardice, transphobia and self-denial. Plus, I need a mirror, and he ain't it. A mirror, someone much like me intellectually, spiritually, who will support everything I do as much I will him/her, who will inspire me and who I will inspire to greater deeds, on the basis of mutual, unconditional love. Since last summer, I came to a conclusion that whoever is my next significant other, it has gotta be someone even more evolved than I am, perhaps, a bodhisattva of some sorts. So, SF it is, and the Buddhist community there, see you in 4 months!

Sunday, December 8, 2013

Bangkok, one more time

With the corrective surgery looming tomorrow or the day after (hopefully tomorrow itself), I am hoping this will be the last time I am here for any surgical intervention in the foreseeable future since I've already decided for various reasons (accountability, costs, recuperation period) to have my second surgery (that will take care of my failing/flailing ovaries, etc.) in Mongolia. I've twelve days ahead in which to go for my surgery, recuperate and then to push home. Initial plan was to bring someone I trusted to film the pre/in/post-surgery to be included in a planned documentary to help move the LGBT rights cause in Mongolia even further as well as to help me out and around post-surgery as my arms simply didn't work well following the first surgery, but things didn't work out the way I planned. No worries. If I get Otgoo to film the process before his departure tomorrow evening (although I've my doubts as to his ability to see the entire surgical gore of the procedure), that will be good, too. My 37th hit and passed without much ado, with much gratitude. Except for the emotional ado that's in the past where it belongs firmly. No matter what. Oh and yeah, this pubescent boy's been getting some action, finally, which I am absolutely thrilled about. A new world opened up as if by magic, and boy, is it magic! If I can only be ungreedy about the new experiences... With Silom plans for the night, hey-hey-hey, who knows!...

Monday, December 2, 2013

сая таван зуун мянгад нэг

Bravery. Kindness. Clarity.
Honesty. Compassion. Generosity.
Bravery. Honesty. Dignity.
Clarity. Kindness. Compassion. 
-- Philip Glass, "Forgetting"

гурван саяд хоёр. харин би цор ганц, хэзээ ч үл давтагдах үйлийн үрийн ноогдолтой нэгэн. хүссэнээрээ амьдрах зориг, чадал байгаа цагт юунд ч сэтгэлээр уягдалгүй зөвхөн урагшлах. сэтгэлийн хүлээсээс ангижирах цаг ирээд өнгөрсөн. сэтгэлээ хоёр жил илүү цөмөртөл нь шаалгууллаа. эргээд харахад бүх зүйл учир утгатай л байж таараа. түүнийг нь оюун ухааны үйл явцаар ойлгов уу, сэтгэлээрээ хүлээж авав уу, бүү мэд. гэвч бүх зүйл жам ёсоороо урагшилж байхыг, бие сэтгэл, оюун бодол маань гацаалтааас гарч эхэлснийг л мэдэрч байна. маргааш үд дунд энэ биеийг олсноор анхны амьсгалаа авч, мөнх бус энэ хорвоогийн алдаа оноо, жаргал зовлон, үйл мэдрэмжийг амсахар ирснээ гучин долоон жилийн өмнө тунхагласан тэр л өдөр болох нь. жил бүр төрсөн өдрийнхөө хавьцаа амьдралаа эргэж харах, тунгаах, дүгнэх, төлөвлөх үйл явцыг хийдгээрээ хийж сууна. буруу хүйстэй ч энэ л биеийг олж төрсөндөө, ээж аав хоёртоо, лгбт хүмүүстээ, амьдралд намайг "би" болгосон бүх зүйлд бүрэн талархах энэ сэтгэл үүсээд хоёр жил хагас болж. одоо ч энэ талархах сэтгэл дүүрэн давалгаалсаар. амьдрал сайхан. хамгийн хэцүүдээ ч сайхан. тамлагдаж, хэмлэгдэж, үйрч бутарч, эс оршихуйн сэвэлзээнийг мэдэрч үгүй болтлоо цөм шаалгуулж байхдаа ч сайхан. гурван хоног нойргүй хоносон өнгөрсөн долоо хоногийн тунгаалт надад "урагшил" гэсэн бодлыг л төрүүлсэн. урагшилхаар шийдсэн. гацаалтаас ангижирсан. одоо бүх зүйл зөвхөн миний сонголт. харамсалгүй сонголтоо хийх. сонголтоороо амьдрах. эмзэглэлгүй амьдрах.

Sunday, November 17, 2013

Episode A

For your audacity to know who I am and to still share the experience. For your naked soul, your naked mind, your naked body -- I recall no such complete feast. For your beauty internal and external. For your breathless, little caught-in-the-throat sounds as my lips fleeted over your beautiful skin. For the tiniest moans my teeth extracted from you. For the way you made me feel. For the way you followed me around. For the way you talked as if in front of the mirror, for being my mirror. Thank you.

Monday, November 11, 2013

Ханзо, ЛГБТ хүмүүс, элдэв шалдав

Өнгөрсөн хагас сайнд Ханзогийн тодотголтой Зоригоо маань 35 насныхаа төрсөн өдрийг бут тэмдэглэв ээ. Хамт зун ажиллаж байсан залуутайгаа парти дээр дайралдаж бас баясав. Бас хайрт найзын хайрт найзтай танилцав, нэлээд онлайн "анд"-ууд байсны дараа. Хамгийн гоё нь тайчих үзүүлбэр: тайчсан залуу төгсөрцөн биетэйг хэлэх үү, анх хоёр жилийн өмнө Прайд парти дээр бүжиглэхийг нь харчаад "ийм биетэй бас байж болдог оо" хэмээн ухаан алдаж унасныг хэлэх үү. Хайртай найзууд, хайртай найзуудын хайртай найзууд, дурлалт хүмүүс гээл ийш тийш нүд, сэтгэл, оюунаа бэлчээнгээ тамхилаад зогсч байтал Наагий гэж нүд хөмсөг болсон өндөр, казак царайтй гей залуу намайг албаар доромжилж "How are you, Mrs Anaraa?" гэв. Ухаан балартаад л явсан. Тэрнээс бараг 3 долоо хоногийн өмнө тэр намайг зураг авч байхад хөөрхий амьдралдаа өөртөө авч үзсэн хамгийн үнэтэй зүйл болох аппаратыг маань нэг удаагийн аппарат мэт угзарч зулгаасныг ч хэлэх үү, гэнэт бүх юм хөдлөөд түүнийг хананд хавсраад "Юу гэнэ ээ, чи?" гэчээд дахиад толгойг нь шууд хананд хавсарч цохив. Тэр шууд гарч явсан. Хэрэв тэр надруу дайрсан бол цус нөжөндөө хутгалдтал алалцах байсан учир нь намайг одоо хэрхэн яаж өөрчлөгдсөнийг харах хамгийн том боломжтой байсан ЛГБТ хүмүүс намайг ялангуяа "эмэгтэй" гэх нь шууд бүрэн дүүрэн утгаараа доромжлол, мэдсэн хэрнээ доромжилж буй хэрэг. Би транс эр, үнэн. Би эмэгтэй биетэй төрсөн, үнэн. Гэхдээ өөрийгөө байнга буруу биед төрсөн гэдгээ мэддэг байсан. 35 жил тэр буруу биетэй амьдрах мэдрэмжийг туулж гарсан транс хүмүүс л мэднэ. Манай ЛГБ хүмүүс тэр болгон транс байдлыг ойлгодоггүй ч бас зарим нь ядаж л транс байдлыг маань хүндлээд, юу яагаадыг минь асууж, надтай ярилцаж, намайг доромжилдоггүй. Харин тэр залуу намайг шилжилтэнд орсноос минь хойш байнга л 100% орж ирж хардаг байсан, одоо ч Ханзод дайралдсаар харсаар байтлаа намайг яаж доромжилсноо ч ойлгоогүй байх. Үнэндээ тэрийг зүгээр л арчаад, ясыг нь тарааж, цус нөжтэй нь холиод "Май, "хатагтай" Анараа ийм байдаг юм" гэж хэлмээр санагдсан ч тэгэж хүчирхийлэл үйлдсэнээрээ би түүний мэдлэггүй, мэдэхийг ч хүсэхгүй байгаа байдлыг арилгаж чадахгүй, дээр нь хүн зодсон хэргээр цагдаа сэргийлэх болмооргүй байсан тул дэмий бухимдахдаа уйлж уйлж тайвширсан даа. Энийг уншиж буй ЛГБТ хүмүүс Наагийг таньдаг бол хэлээрэй, Анараа блог дээрээ бичсэн байлээ шүү, хүн шиг байхгүй бол амьтнаас ч долоон дор болгож чадна, би алдах зүйлгүй хүн гэж байна лээ гээд дамжуулчаарай. Хүн хүнээрээ байх ёстой болохоос биш Наагий чам шиг хог новш байж явдаггүй юм шүү. 

Бас нэгэн мэдээ дуулгахад Зоригоо Ханзог ажиллуулсаар шатсаар, хаширсаар хальширч эхэлж байлээ шүү. Яаж ийж байгаад ийм газар байгаа дээр нь дэмжээд дэмжээд өгчихөөч дээ, ЛГБТ хүмүүс минь. Өөрсдийн орон зайгүй байна гэдэг маш хүндийг надаар хэлүүлэлтгүй мэдэж байгаа, бүгд. Ханзо хаагдчихвал бид яах ёстой болох вэ? Дахиад л энд тэнд нүд үзүүрлэгдээд л, өөрсдийнхөөрөө ч байж чадахгүй тэнэг байдалд эргээд орох уу? Хүмүүс бие биеэ байнга нэг газар орохоор нь "энэний тэрний тавилга" гээл сүйд болдог юм. Больчооч дээ. Үндсэндээ би бол маш үнэнч хүн, нэг газар таалагдвал тэндээ байнга орох дуртай. Ханзо бол миний бараг л хоёр дахь гэр юм бус уу. Хэрэв бие биеэ хүндэлдэг л бол хүмүүс өөрийн дуртай газраа, өөрийнхөө тааваараа байх газраа л байгааг нь хүндэтгээд сурчих ёстой юм бус уу.

Элдэв шалдав: хмммм, би энэ зун нэг маш сайхан сэтгэлтэй, гайхалтай хүн болох найзындаа хоёр сар амьдарсан юм. Эмэгтэй хүн. Гэтэл тэр бидэн хоёрыг хайр дурлалын харилцаанд байсан гэж хүмүүс буруу ойлгоод, зарим нь бүр тэгэж цуурсан байх юм. Тэр эмэгтэй надад дурлаж байсан үе бий бий, гэхдээ би түүнд дурлаагүй, дурлаагүй хүнтэйгээ янз бүрийн учир ургуулж чаддаггүй жоохон тэнэг гар учир бид хоёрын хооронд хэзээ ч тийм зүйл байгаагүйг тэрний нэрийн өмнөөс болон өөрийн нэрийн өмнөөс андгайлъя. Шингэн талхаа ихдүүлэн хэрэглэсэн хүмүүс миний яриаг буруу ойлгосон, түүнийгээ хүмүүст ярьсан юм бус уу. Талхаа шингээж сайн ойлгож бай л даа. Хэрэв татагдаад дурласан байсан бол мэдээж юм болох нь гарцаагүй ч сүүлийн хоёр жил зүрх маань чөлөөгүй байсан учир тэр эмэгтэйтэй юу ч хүсээгүй байх нь. Харин сүүлийн нэг сар нэг хөөрхөн шинэ мэдрэмж үүсээд, өмнөх хоёр жилийн сэтгэлийн халирал, уярал, хайр дурлал бага багаар арилж, шинэ дурлал үүсээд ч байгаа юм шиг мэдрэгдээд эрх чөлөөгөө зарлан тунхаглаж байгаа. Харамсалтай нь энэ шинээр үүсч байгаа дурлал ч мөн юу л бол доо, тэр хүн намайг хүн утгаар нь олж харахгүй, транс гэдгээр минь харсаар бас дахиад л надаас айж, надаас зугтах зүйл болох юм биз. Харж л байя.

Сая дааврынхаа энэ жилийн сүүлийн тариаг хийв ээ. Энэ жил цус алдалт энэ тэртэй байсан учир бүхэл бүтэн 1 дааврын тариа илүү хийсэн байналээ. Уул нь нэг тариа нь 2 сараас 3 сар хагас барьдаг ч залуу хүн болоод тэр үү, илүү хурдан боловсроод, хоёр сар хагастаа нэг тарих шаардлага гараад байгаа. Өндгөвч сав нтрийг авахуулсны дараа дааврыг зүгээр л гурван сардаа нэг удаа тарьж болно. Мэс засалчтайгаа өдрөө яриад байгаа, бас мөнгө санхүү яах нь вэ, харж л байна.

Wednesday, October 16, 2013

[-] 2013, etc.

Over the weekend I got a 20-strong team of queer and straight people to join me on an adventure of sorts: a challenge to make a short movie within 48 hours. The 48 hours film festival is an annual short film festival organised in Mongolia since 2010, elsewhere from even before. The very first time I heard about it from one of the main organisers, Globe International, I was hooked on the idea of entering the festival just once, but never managed before this year. I'm obviously an amateur filmmaker, plus neither could I really boast a filmmaking experience except for what small experience I got writing a screenplay for a queer-themed movie past July, but I thought I could and should manage; after all this is a film festival for amateurs and professionals alike. The LGBT Centre paid the registration fee of 200 thousand, and off we went to make a queer-themed, whatever-genre-gets-alloted-to-us short film. I don't know how well exactly we managed, but the results of our team's effort, a short, science fiction movie called [-] 2013 was submitted on time to enter the competition, was screened yesterday at the Urguu cinema and will be screened again for the community tomorrow evening at Hanzo. It was an incredibly creative and interesting process, and, oh, tight. In terms of time, equipment, people, but loved the whole process and teammates!!! For sure, now that I have gone through this process, filmmaking, and perhaps, just perhaps, making a full feature or two is very appealing, but who knows when and how. Or if, ever. To top it off, last week has also been a very interesting one in terms of other matters, such as heart, finances, etc. But, all is well. Hope to leave for short visa trip over the weekend.

Tuesday, October 1, 2013

Homosexual desire in formerly straight-identified transmen

Sounds like a bloody treatise, doesn't it? Well, it's not; the following are just some personal observations I am making in relation to my own sexual drive and sexual desires post-transition. My hormonal replacement therapy that began in June 2011 has rendered me very much homosexually inclined, or, at the very least, very much sensually appreciative of men, the fact that was so completely alien to my nature, or what I thought my nature, that figuratively the jaws of my intellect dropped to the floor when I found myself in love with and lusting after a guy, half a year into my transition. It took a whole long while before I could claim it completely and fully, which was this year. Pre-transition: I always fell in love with women, so I presumed that after embarking on my transition, I would be just one of those countless straight men, albeit a man who had internalised experiences of women through his own life experience. (Again, how much biological essentialists would've agreed with me claiming the straight male identity since my whole life pre-transition I'd lived as a gender-queer butch, is another question. Regardless, despite the socio-cultural conditioning, I have always felt since the age of ten that God allowed for some awful mistake to take place by making me a woman. The emotional pain, the unpassing intrinsic belief that I was born in the wrong body haunted me my whole life. The funniest thing was that I'd always thought that most lesbians hated their bodies, too, like me, which turned out not to be true at all). Post-transition: oddly, all I see now are guys. Some friends think I must've been gay from the very beginning, but I honestly don't think so as I'd been a gynephiliac (someone who is attracted to women and femininity) 95% of my life, but in the past two years I found myself literally, day-by-day become an androphiliac (someone who is attracted to men and masculinity). The points of sexual desires pre- and post-transition are somewhat similar, especially as my sexual desires towards women and some effeminate men go: the main form of desire pre-transition was that of an aggressor in pursuit of physical and sexual possession and gratification. But that is not the main form of my sexual desire these days. Given, the LGBT communtiy in Mongolia is an extremely homogenous community sans much gender diversity, so even when I have tried to pursue my androphilia-fuelled lust, they often ended in zero success here. Perhaps, had it not been for these negative experiences, I might still be the aggressor in pursuit of possession... Or perhaps, that is not even it. Perhaps, because I was rejected a few times by cissexist gay guys who would've only been interested in me had I been born with something hanging between my legs, I had developed an incredible level of sexual insecurity that I no longer feel that I am the "it", the dude who can confidently pursue and get anyone I want. Or really, perhaps, it is not about that at all... Who knows why and how does a homosexual desire come about in formerly straight-identified transmen? What happens with our brains as our bodies change? Is our sexual orientation simply so embedded in our bodies/brains that when our bodies/brains change with hormonal transition, it also undergoes a change?!... But what about the dynamics of the sexual desires?

Бахархалын долоо хоног, хайрлах эрхийн хөдөлгөөний сонин сайхан, гэх мэт

Өнгөрсөн хагас сайнд "Мисс Бьютий" супер драг шоугаар дууссан Монголын анхны ЛГБТ Бахархалын долоо хоног үнэхээр олон зүйлийг харуулсан долоо хоног байв. ЛГБТ эрхийн хөдөлгөөн болон хөдөлгөөнийг бүрдүүлж буй төрийн бус байгууллагууд болох ЛГБТ Төв, ЗЭМ, Хамтдаа, Дэмжих болон эдгээрт харъяалагддаг байсан ба байгаа, эсвэл огт харъяалагдаггүй идэвхтэнүүдээс маш сайн, сайхан зүйлсийг олж харсан энэ богинохон долоо хоног нь угтаа нэг их богинохон ч биш, ЛГБТ хүмүүст шууд болон шууд бус хамааралтай үйл ажиллагаа албан ёсоор, байнга явагдаж ирсэн бүтэн 10 жилийг тоймлосон, дүгнэсэн, ирээдүйг төлөвлөсөн, урагш харсан үйл ажиллагаануудын цогц болов. Хамгийн чухал нь ЛГБТ хүмүүст хамааралтай асуудлаар ажилладаг төрийн бус байгууллагууд маань иргэний нийгмийн хөгжлийнхөө жамаар хөгжиж, чадавхжиж, мэргэшиж эхэлж буй нь миний хувьд олж харсан хамгийн том сэтгэл хөдлөм, бахдам зүйл байсан. Үнэндээ ЭБЭ асуудалруу ердөө ордоггүй, зөвхөн "ЛГБТ хүмүүс" гэсэн ангиллын цогцод нь гей болон бисексуал эрчүүдийн асуудлыг "гаднаас" нь хардаг байсан миний хувьд шилжилтийнхээ дараа яалт ч үгүй дотроос нь харах ёстой болоод, хараад, мэдрээд гей залуусаараа маш их бахархах сэтгэл төрснийг нуухгүй. Алдаж, онож, уйлж, хайлж, уухайлж, урамшсан энэ 10 жилээс бэлгийн цөөнх эрчүүдтэй ажилладаг байгууллагууд маань эхнээсээ мэргэшиж эхлэх ёстойгоо ойлгоод, цаашид нарийн зохион байгуулалттайгаар хөдлөж эхлэхээ "ЭБЭ 10 жил" хурал дээр хэлэлцэв. ЛГБТ Төв албан ёсны гэрчилгээгээ аваад, байнгын үйл ажиллагаатай болсноос хойш 4 насныхаа ойтой дөнгөж энэ 12 сард золгох ч, Монголын ЛГБТ хүмүүсийн хувьд эрх зүйн хүрээнд томоохон амжилтуудтай байсны хамгийн том нь 2013 оны 7-р сарын 3-ны өдөр батлагдсан УИХ-ын тогтоол байв. Хэлэлцүүлэг, яриа гэх мэт дээр хүмүүстэй ярьж байхад хариуцлагатай, төлөөллийг хангасан, ЛГБТ асуудлаар ажилладаг төрийн бус байгуулагууддаа чиглэл өгч байдаг ЛГБТ конгрессийг байгуулах санал хүртэл явж байсан гээд бодохоор, иргэний нийгэм гэдэг тухайн бүхэл нийгмийнхээ тусгал нь болдог гээд бодохоор бид Монголд ЛГБТ эрхийн хөдөлгөөний шинэ үе, шинэ түвшинг харж байна гэж хэлэхээс өөр аргагүй. Иргэний нийгмийн хөдөлгөөн боловсрох, хүчээ авах нь магад тухайн хөдөлгөөн хэр ардчилсан байгаатай, тухайн хөдөлгөөний манлайлагчид хэр оролцоо болон төлөөллийг хангах дээр анхаарал тавьж байгаатай шууд холбоотой гэж би боддог. 10 жилийн дараа л үнэхээр "БИД, ЛГБТ" гэсэн нэгдмэл сэтгэл оюуны дуудлагатай ажиллаж эхэлж байгааг, одоо л жинхэнэ нэгдмэл байр сууринаас мэргэшин хөдлөснөөрөө өнөөдөр хүрсэн амжилтаас илүү үсрэнгүй том том амжилт гаргах цаг хугацаа маш ойрыг олж харсан. Хамгийн чухал нь хайрлах эрхийн төлөө энэ хөдөлгөөнд шинэ залуу үеийн идэвхтэнүүд маань ямар оролцоотой байгааг хараад мөн их бахархсандаа. Өөрийнхөө хэн гэдгийг өөртөө бүрэн хүлээн зөвшөөрч, өөрийнхөө лесбиян, гей, бисексуал, омнисексуал, транс гэдгээрээ хүмүүсээс айж, нуугдаж биш, харин бахархан амьдарч буй бүх залуу үеийнхнээрээ би бахархсан. Та нарын төлөө л энэ эрхийн хөдөлгөөн явж, явагдаж байгаа юм шүү дээ, хойч үе минь. Гээд бас ярьвал олон л сайхан юм байгаа ч, жоохон нуршихаа болихоор шийдсэн учир ингээд энэ бичлэгийг дуусгая :D PS: Нээрээ өчигдөр орой ФБ-ээс ЗЭМ-д олооон жил санхүүгийн ажилтан хийсэн Янжаа эгч өчигдөр нас барсныг сонсч элэг эмтэрсэн. Ум маани бадме хум.

Friday, September 27, 2013

Онол номер 28: хүнлэг + бурханлаг = урлаг

Ертөнцийн бүх юмс үзэгдлийг хүн утгаараа таньж мэдэх, мэдрэх энэ л үйл явцын илэрхийлэл илэрхийлэгдэж буй зүйлийнхээ мөн чанарт дөхөх тусам түүнийг бид урлаг гэдэг ч юм билүү...

Thursday, September 19, 2013

Онол номер 27

Хүн бэлгийн цөөнх эсэх нь алган дээр нь бичээстэй байдаг. Олон жил ЛГБТ хүмүүсийн гарын алгыг хайрлаж, үерхэж, нөхөрлөж, тайвшруулж барьж байхдаа бүгдээрээ амьдралын давхар зураастай болохыг харж байсан. Угтаа бол амьдралын шугам давхар байх нь тухайн хүн маш их сэтгэлийн тэвчээртэй, дотоод хүчтэйг харуулдаг гэсэн уламжлалт тайлбар байдаг ч миний мэдэх ЛГБТ хүмүүсийн 99% нь ийм давхар зураастай гэхээр бас л сонин.

Monday, September 16, 2013

хэзээ нэг өдөр

хэзээ нэг өдөр сүмд шавилаад суучихвал битгий гайхаарай, олон жил ээрсэн бодол минь л энэ. ертөнцийн мөнгөнд хэзээ ч хууртаж байсангүй би одоо оршихуйн өнгөнд хууртахаа больж байна уу даа гэж өөрийгөө харах шиг. өдөр хоног өнгөрөх тусам энэ оршихуйд байгаа минь дэндүү бат бөх ч, хүслийн хүлээс суларсаарыг харах бас л нэг сонин. хэзээ нэг өдөр энэ уяа бүрмөсөн тасарна. хүсэл үгүй болоход үйлийн үр бүрмөсөн дуусна. одоогоор зарим нэг хүлээс, хүсэл ээрсээр байгаа ч тайван, ганцаар байх орчинд байх бүртээ бараг л хүсэлгүй болсноо харах, мэдрэх сонин, өөр. одоохондоо мэдрэмжийн амралт ч юм уу, нэг тийм орон зайд л байгаа. сайхан. тайван. талбиун. сэтгэлийг хэт хөдөлгөгч зүйлсээс өөрийн эрхгүй зайгаа авах энэ үйл явц яг юуг хэлж мэдэхгүй ч, бүх насаараа тэмүүлсэн тэр орон зай юу?... хэзээ нэг өдөр энэ болгон дуусна. харин дуусаад, "кино" эргэж хөврөхөд би амьдралаа хараад "гайхалтай" гэж хэлэхийн төлөө амьдарсаар л.

Wednesday, August 21, 2013

Love is blindness

"Love is drowning in a deep well 
All the secrets and noone to tell."  
-- U2, Love is blindness

Some nights I don't sleep. At times it's a pure insomnia caused by overwork and thus stress, sometimes it's a phenomenon akin, vaguely, to insomnia: your senses are almost asleep, you feel pre-doze-off heaviness all over your body, but your brain's wandering around awake. Mostly it's just one face or the other that won't leave your thoughts. Some periods are a mere succession of lights and shadows, compartmentalisation and delineation of time by mundane, necessary routines - hygiene maintenance, food intake. Last such period was in March when I kept the track of time: fifty two hours awake, no record by any stretch of the imagination. Some years are not even years, they are a flow, almost, where you wake up with the one you love, go to sleep with the one you love, spend your every moment literally or figuratively with the one you love. Then you're jolted awake by the brutality of a head-on impact brought about by the reality of your situation versus the reality of your feelings; you no longer sleep nor wake, you simply zombiefy, and all you do is to repeatedly try to stop obsessing over every memory. All you do is try to forget, never succeeding, but trying nonetheless, as if my life depended on it...

Wednesday, August 7, 2013

Бурханы там, мянган төгрөгийн хайрын төсөөлөл, бас бус

“Even God has a hell: his love of Mankind.” 
― Paulo Coelho

"Би хайр."
"Чи хайр л учир чиний хайрыг даахгүй, амтлах байтугай хүртэх ч хувь заяагүй өчүүхэн хүмүүст өгсөөр байх юм бол чи өөрийгөө л зовооно, хайр чинь, чи өөрөө үгүй болно."
"Хайр дундардаггүй, дуусдаггүй. Харин хайр мартагдах үеүд бий. Гэхдээ миний оршихуй хайр болсон учир би хэзээ ч дундрахгүй, дуусахгүй, үгүй болохгүй. Хайрлах гэдэг зовох биш."
"Гэхдээ чи хайрласнаараа зовж байгаагүй гэж үнэхээр үнэнээ хэлсэн үү?"
"Хайрыг ярьж байгаа нөхцөлд зовлон гэж яг юу юм бэ? Хэрэв хайрласан хүн чинь чамайг эргүүлж хайрлаагүй л бол зовлон уу? Хайр хариу нэхдэггүй учир жинхэнээсээ хайрласан бол энэ нь зовлон авчирахгүй. Зовж байгаа л бол чи хайрлахгүй л байна гэсэн үг. Эсвэл жинхэнэ хайр гэдгийг мэдэхгүй л гэсэн үг. Хайрлаад байхад эргээд тэр мэдрэмжийг хүнээс аваагүйдээ зовж байвал энэ чинь хайр биш, зөвхөн мянган төгрөгөөр авч уншиж болдог шалдар булдар романтик томъёололд чихэгдсэн хайрын төсөөлөл төдий мэдрэмж л байна гэсэн үг. Эсвэл чамайг хэн нэг хэсэг хайрлаж байгаад больчиход чамд тэр хайр байхгүй болсон учир зовох зовлон юм уу? Тэр чинь бас л нөгөө мянган төгрөгийн хайрын төсөөлөл, учир нь хайрын харилцааг хүмүүс мөнх байх ёстой зүйл гэж багаасаа уншиж, сонсч, киноноос харж өсдөг. Гэтэл хайр бол түүнээс том бас жижиг зүйл: мөч бүрт чинь байдаг жижиг зүйл ч, сүнсэнд сийлэгдэж, нэг төрлөөс нөгөөрүү шилжихэд чамд орших энергийн давтамж утгаараа их том зүйл. Энергийн ямарваа хэлбэрийг нэг газар барьж, тогтооно гэдэг их хүнд зүйлтэй яг адил хайрыг барьж, тогтоож болдоггүй. Урсгаж л болно. Урсгах нь ч шаналалгүй байх ёстой. Эсвэл чи өөрийнхөө сайн сайхныг умартан тэр л хайртай хүмүүсийнхээ сайн сайхны төлөө оршиж байгаа чинь зовлон болоод байна уу? Өөрийгөө умартах бол хайрын хамгийн том илрэл. Хайр гэж өөрийгөө умартаад ертөнцийн амьтай амьгүй бүх хэсгийн нэг бүрэлдэхүүн эд, эс болж чадаж байгааг хэлдэг. Өөрийгөө марттал хайрлана гэдэг шаналах субъект ч үлддэггүй л гэсэн үг. Хэрэв дараа нь чи өөрийгөө ашиглуулсан мэт харин мэдэрвэл энэ бас л хайр биш, худалдаа арилжаа хийсэн хүний мөнгөө төлөөд бараагаа хүлээсэн хүлээлт л төдий байж гэж өөртөө дүгнээрэй." 
"Чи гэхдээ өөрийгөө ядраагаад, зовоогоод байна шүү дээ."
"Хайрласнаасаа болоод ядарч байгаа бол тэр хайр биш. Хайрласнаасаа болоод зовж байгаа бол хайр бүр ч биш гэж би хэллээ. Би хайрласнаараа зовдоггүй, ядардаггүй. Миний хувьд хайр бол зөвхөн миний бясалгал биш, оршихуй болсон. Чи харин дэмий зүйлд санаа зовж байна."
"Чи өөрийгөө хамгаалж сурах ёстой."
"Хайр, өөрийгөө хамгаалах хоёр ямар учир зүйн холбоотой юм бэ? Би яагаад хайрлаж байгаагаа хамгаалах ёстой гэж? Надад байгаа хайр ертөнцийн бүх хүн амьтан, үзэгдэлд хүрэлцэхүйц учир энэ хайрыг хүртэх эрхгүй, ёсгүй гэж хайраа хүмүүсээс харамлавал жинхэнээсээ энэ хайр дуусна. Хайрыг хамгаалж болдоггүй. Хайрыг байлгах нь л чухал."
"Бурханд ч там байдаг нь түүний хүн төрөлхтөнийг хайрласан хайр нь гэж чи өчигдөр уншаа биз дээ? Чиний энэ хайр чинь чиний там байвал яах вэ?"
"Амьсгал авах мөч бүрээ мэдрэн, тэр амьсгал чинь хүртэл хайр гэж мэдэрч явахад тэр бол там биш. Хайрын чинь мөн чанрыг харин шууд эсрэг утгаар нь ойлговол магад тэр хайр хайр биш, там болох биз."

Thursday, July 18, 2013

Vivid red sky

The sun is so bright. I close my eyes. I open them again to see the road I am walking on, the tall grass, wild flowers, the fields and a river beyond. I look at the sky – the sky’s vivid red. I close my eyes. I open them again to see the road I am walking on, the dusty puffs my footprints leave. The sun’s bright. I keep on walking. You laugh, head held high "I know why you do the things you do", and on you laugh. The sky's red. The sun is bright. On I walk, my road ahead is my road left behind.

Monday, July 15, 2013

Episode Z

My eyes are closed. Tiniest droplets of mist kiss the skin of my face. It evokes music. The music evokes you. I imagine you laying next to me, getting kissed by this ethereal mist gently drizzling from the overcast skies, with the tiny disk of the noon sun above like a halo, and you, the astronaut in your universe, floating with eyes closed, face up, your translucent veins pulsing rhythmically, imperceptible to any eye but mine. I will you to be here for where I am, you should be. Then I remember what I did. How could I be so naked in my yearning? Restlessness, shame, defiance -- all at once -- engulf me. Likely scenarios arising out of my minute-long weakness -- improbable imposition -- flash in my paranoid brain, making me wince. I am no longer the beautiful music playing in my soul, it's only a jumble of an orchestra before the conductor raises the baton. All I am is fear. And pain. Why does it hurt so much? Why am I not over? What will it take? How can I stop feeling what I feel? Hasn't it been too long for this to even be "in-love" phenomenon?... Only the jumble remains.

Tuesday, July 9, 2013

Altered states of consciousness, body, soul

If we as adults are not allowed to make sovereign decisions what to experience with our own consciousness while doing no harm to others, ... then we cannot claim to be free in any way.
Graham Hancock

The very foundation of anyone's being in the world is a primal blank slate where no judgement exists, but everything we do or are subjected to while growing up alters our primal state. We call it "becoming a human". In truth we only become our society's slaves who go about their lives taking in any and all information around us, those externally imposed values, for our very own truth. Everything we eat, drink, think, feel alters our body and brain chemistry, influencing our consciousness, our reality, and we are not even aware. To return to that primal state of consciousness, that blank state of conscious awareness we spend years doing meditation, getting stoned or worse, and still often fail to find what we're looking for. If everything, even our thoughts, alters our consciousness, bodily reactions and soul movements, we all do dwell in altered states of consciousness. Whether it is one of your own choosing, or one imposed on you, you have to find out. Years ago my ex-wife tried her best to teach me non-judgement, if you will. She never really succeeded because I was not able to see clearly, feel fully to be able to come to my own conclusions about non-judgement. Years later, I am finally here.

Thursday, July 4, 2013

Ignorance = hate, in its various forms

Yesterday as Guillaume and I were making our way to one place I hang out at most of my free days now, we came across a group of four men who were talking among themselves, happy, laughing. That small bunch was heading in our direction, i.e., the direction of the road, and we were going in the opposite, a collision course. I had to but look at them closer as they appeared different. Most Mongolian men of their age don't go around laughing, and are definitely not as fit as they were. I wasn't wrong: as they got closer and I heard them, they were Chinese. Given the abundance of new constructions going on in that area, in most probability they were Chinese construction workers. As I looked from one to another, I saw them meet my gaze for a fraction of a second and avert their eyes quickly, or look down, or even look away. Their eyes made me aware that externally (my hair) I do resemble those ignorant, hateful people who go around bashing anyone they perceive to be un-Mongolian, but with a friend who was non-Mongolian by my side, wouldn't they have known that I was not one of those unconscionable people? That if I was a racist ultranationalist, I wouldn't even be friends with foreigners? Which reminded me of the earlier in the day conversation I was having with a friend who is back visiting home from the US about what constitutes Mongolianness, who defines it as what. It's all about ignorance. Give people information, teach them healthier ways to question and criticise, there shall be no violence in any form. It's all about power, and the power, in this day and age, is all about information. Deprive people of this, you will have what we have -- increasingly insular ultranationalistic sentiments nation-wide, fostered and promoted as a matter of state policy, blind eye turned towards non-Mongolians being beat up or even killed. It's time to recognise hate, hate speech and hate crimes for what they are, time to make the society safe for everyone. Start with the criminalisation of hate, whether directed at anyone perceived as non-Mongolian, or anyone perceived to be non-conforming to the notions/definitions of what Mongolianness is.

Monday, July 1, 2013

How much am I gay?!

The early hours of Saturday, words uttered in a venomous attack by my sister are still bothering me. Because it was again about who I loved as was the first time when I came out to her to love women 20 years ago. The most common mistake people make is to confuse sexual orientation and gender identity. Let's get it right, again: gender identity is how you feel about yourself, your sexual identity, your body -- in other words, inward feelings of one's own being. Sexual orientation is who you're attracted to, who you fall in love with, have sex/relationship with -- in other words, outward feelings and behaviour. All my life I've always fallen in love with women, so since at the time I thought I could never change my body, I resolved myself to being a lesbian, and, after my transition, I assumed that I was straight. No problem. However, it's been a year and a half since I fell in love with a guy, the very first time in my life, a guy who identified proudly as a man, no problem. Quite masculine one, too. Before my transition, I had a few attractions in my teens to very effeminate men, men who I knew then or later understood/found to have been mostly gay, or some transwomen, as a matter of fact. But the fact of finding myself at the end of 2011 in love with a man shook everything I thought I knew about myself. I went through a long period of denial, confusion, negation, painfully exhilarating time. From the end of last year, I decided I could finally handle this newly discovered side of mine, that I would just live and see if that instance of falling in love with a guy was a freak accident or something somewhat permanent, something that could repeat. I gave myself a ticket to explore my new -- new in the sense of sensual experience; otherwise, I am still in my very own world of queer people -- side. As it is, every day I am seeing and coming to terms with the fact that I am more attracted to men rather women. I have to finally say it: I am at this point in life more attracted to men than women, strangely enough. "How does that happen, do you have phases when you're more attracted to one sex than the other?" I asked a bisexual friend of mine, he wasn't sure. So I did tell my sister about this newfound side of my sexuality, and the next thing I know she throws it in my face in a transphobic and homophobic fashion "You don't even know if you're a man or a woman anymore, you were in love with a guy!" As if my inner feeling of gender identity have anything to do with my sexual orientation. So what that I am a transman who had spent 99% of his life loving women, but who is now exploring a whole new population. I am still who I am, a man born in the wrong body, who had finally taken steps to correct this mistake I was born with, and who is happily exploring his new gay side. But how much am I gay, though? I still have no answer with a percentage. As someone I met in DC a few months before my transition warned me, attractions change, they do, with transition.

damned same old shit

in the wee hours of saturday morning i came home to discover the money i gave my sister and my nephew sitting on the kitchen table with a note attached: "take your money back. we didn't need it". the money i gave my sister was something to help her on her trip to russia. the money i gave my nephew was a gift for his 16th birthday. it was money i could hardly afford to give away, but the last money i had on me that i wanted them to have as she needed it, and i wanted to give it to my nephew since i wasn't there for two of his last birthdays. same old shit continues with her. she never changed. she's still the diagnosed schizophrenic who needs more help than i can provide, ever.

Monday, June 3, 2013

Happy 2nd birthday!

The early hours of the day after tomorrow on 5 June I will celebrate the beginning of my third year on the hormone replacement therapy. My "toddler" year, the year past, the time one gains speech and self-expression, if I were a true toddler, was full of wonder, excitement, and... love. Love that led to the deepest meditation. On my own nature. On human nature. The deepest meditation that led to the acceptance of a part of me. A small, but a significant part. The year past, as I look back, was another year in my human experience of the good, the bad, the great, the ugly. A lot of things haven't gone as planned, but what are plans, after all, but simple milestones you set for yourself. And what are they, if every day of your existence is deeply meaningful in its serenity and beauty, what does anything else matter? Everything served its purpose. As have people in my life. As have all the negatives and positives. With my second birthday around the corner, I can only say "I am grateful I am alive. I am grateful I am me." Nothing else matters.

Sunday, June 2, 2013

Karma, destiny, gods

Fullness. Contentment. Stretch "it" a little further, define "it" better: happiness, void. Your presence was simply love. Nothing but love, tangible, palpable, so strong. I sat there eyeing from the corner of my eyes one of the enemies of the LGBT rights movement in Mongolia, a so-called playright who wrote a play condemning gay men as pedophiles, perpetuating one of the most dangerous, and needless to say, false myths against gay men. Then, she came to me a few years ago asking me to translate her poems into English, to which I set only one condition: for her to apologise publicly to the LGBT community for misinformation she spread through her very successful play of 8-9 years ago. She refused flatly saying that she didn't come up with that play idea, that she wrote it on someone's request. I said artists were the intellectual driving force of a society, and they must realise their responsibility, moral, spiritual and human, be held accountable for the ideas they spread. She didn't think so, a few years ago. What does she think now, I wondered. Not that it mattered to me. Her karma had given it all to her: seeing her like this I saw she was unhappy, undesired, ridiculed, perhaps, even. I was shocked to see her disfigured by extreme obesity, her pent-up sexuality that warped on itself, her sad, now already old and insignificant, even in the days of her youth never pretty, face. She saw me, began telling her retinue something about "neither man, nor woman", showing again her true identity. As I sat there first seething, then musing about it all, I saw you. I was reminded that everything serves some or the other purpose, that I must remain calm and detached, that it was not for me to judge her, or rejoice at her state. Then I began to wonder why you would choose to come down again and again despite knowing to the fullest the pain and suffering, life and death, darkness and light -- everything that a human existence consists of -- despite overcoming it all such a long time ago. Coming down with nothing but love, again and again. Bhakti. I understood, not through heart, but through head why my sister cries every time she sees you. If I let myself feel it all, I would've cried, too. Instead, I chose to bask in your divine love. Your love for humanity, that serene, lightful feeling of mercy and understanding, I have often felt when doing meditation. Especially meditation induced by love. It was incredible to feel it from someone else. I am blessed to have met you.

Saturday, May 18, 2013

Theory number 26

When you feel the Now, not when you think you feel it, but when you really and truly feel it, there's nothing left but amazement, gratitude and release.

Monday, May 13, 2013

Historic day for LGBT in Mongolia

Today the National Human Rights Commission of Mongolia will present a number of issues for the deliberation by the Legal Standing Committee of the Parliament, among them LGBT issues for the first time in Mongolia. The LGBT Centre of Mongolia and the National Human Rights Commission of Mongolia had collaborated on the research last year, and the findings are being used as arguments for the Parliament. Another dream coming true, getting there, closer and closer to fruition. They tabled the issues two weeks ago, but hadn't gotten around to discussing the agenda, hopefully this time everything will be heard in a just manner, spurring the quicker enactment of the proposed legislation as well as amendments.

PS: Damn! Missing the deliberations because of the dress code for the Parliament (formal attire). Last two years I never got out of my jeans, didn't have a reason to as didn't spend any time anywhere with a strict dress code, so all I have left now are jeans. Need to go shopping at some point for some formal slacks + formal shoes, too.

Sunday, May 12, 2013

Өнгөрсний цуурай

Найз нөхөрлөлийн тэс өөр ойголттой С-д, Т-д.
Өнгөрснөөс цуурай ирэхээр яаж ирдэг гээч. Хүмүүсээр дамжиж. Бүх зүйл жинхэнэ авиа ч биш, эхнээсээ дуустал цуурай төдий зарим харилцаанууд байдаг. Эргээд тэр хүмүүсийг харахад тэр л "хөөрхөн" сөрөг бодлуудаар дүүрэн орон зайн цуурайгаа цуурайтуулсаар байдгийг мэдрэх сонин байв. Маш их хайртай байсан хүнээ өнөөдөр харав. Ямар нэгэн байдлаар "Хөөе, битгий янз бүрийн юм бодоод бай, чи найз хэвээр" гэж хэлэх гэсэн ч яагаад ч юм бүр яагаад ч эвлээгүй. Найз хэвээр бишдээ ч биш. Найз хэвээр л, миний хувьд. Учир нь найз гээд миний тодорхойлчихсон хүний нөхцөл байдал, мөн чанар, бодлын үйл явцыг нь би дэндүү сайн таньдаг, түүнийг нь ойлгодог, хайрладаг учир л энэ мэдрэмжийг найз нөхөрлөл гэж би боддог байх. Гэхдээ найз нөхөрлөлийн сэтгэл тэрхэн хүрээнээсээ хальж болдгийг би бас мэдсэн. Хальсныг нь би хүчлээд, хайраа тулгасан учир миний нэг найз нөхөрлөл дууссан. Уул нь найз нөхөрлөл дуусах ёсгүй ч найздаа дурлаад, түүнийгээ тулгавал чи өөрөө сайхан найз нөхөрлөлөө аллаа л гэсэн үг. Алчихсан. Алчихсантайгаа эвлэрээд, урагшлаад, өөр хүмүүсийг хайрлаад, мартагдаад бүх зүйл өнгөрсөн хойно ч тэр "найз" гэвч уучлаагүй байх нь, тэр уучлаагүй сэтгэл нь бүх байдлаар илрэх нь хамгийн хүнд юм байна шүү гэж. Цуурай цуурайдаа балиар огиудастай цуурайгаар мэдрэгдсэн гэж. Яалт ч үгүй уул нь хэзээ ч тэр найздаа муу зүйл хийж байгаагүй ч түүнийг газар дор оруулчихсан, бүр авслаад, булаад хаячихсан мэт, бүр хамгийн хайртай зүйлийг нь албаар эвдээд, сүйтгэчихсэн мэт... Өнгөрсөн өнгөрсөндөө үлдэхээс өөр яахав. Харамсалтай нь нэг үнэтэй нөхөрлөл минь хэзээ ч сэргэшгүйгээр дууссаныг өнөөдөр харав. Сайн сайхныг хүсээд үлдээхээс өөр яахав.

Saturday, May 11, 2013


For U.B.

Remember that you have to remember. Remember everything that does matter and remember everything that doesn't, to a lesser extent, with lesser meaning for reference's sake. Remember to remember people (and why they matter) and what they are to you for everyone you met you met for a reason, be it known or unknown to you then. Remember to remember that you're human, still, that no matter how much meditation you do, you're still a human being with all the humanly follies and triumphs. Remember that everything is transitory, remember the impermanence, remember the beauty of impermanence. Remember that even when everything passes, everything has taken place and so will continue to be in some quantum universe. Remember it's your choices that brought you here, now. Remember to make wiser choices. Remember to love yourself, first and foremost because all other love follows self-love. Remember to be honest. Remember to answer questions, not in your head and then to me, but to yourself, the echo of which I need to hear. Remember.

Thursday, May 9, 2013

Нэг ба түүнээс олон тал

Бүх зүйл хоёр ба түүнээс олон талтай. Ялангуяа хүмүүсийн харилцаа. Үүнийг мэддэггүй мэт зөвхөн нэг талыг харсан, мэдсэн, барьсан хүмүүс зөвхөн тэр талаа харсаар, барьсаар байгаа тохиолдолд юу ч, яаж ч хэлээд нэмэргүй. Ямар нэгэн зүйл хийгээд бүр ч нэмэргүй. Чимээгүйхэн урдаа байгаа, төлөвлөөд эхэлсэн нэг хоёр зүйлээ зундаа амжуулаад, намрын урь орох цагаар харсан зүгтээ тонилох. Оршихуйн мөн чанар минь амар амгалан, түүнийгээ эргэж олсон. Оршихуйн мөн чанар минь хайр. Түүнийгээ өмнө нь байгаагүй өөр өнцгөөс нээсэн, мэдэрсэн, хүрсэн, амьдарсан. Эдгээрээ дахин дагах. Нэг ба түүнээс олон тал гэснээс өнгөрсөн хоёр жил би нэг эгчийгээ хүний тооноос хассан байсан, блогтоо ч яагаад тэгсэн тухайгаа бичиж байсан. Олон удаа сэтгэлийг минь сэглэсэн үг хэлж, үйлдэл хийж байсанд нь, хамгийн эцэстээ экс эхнэрээсээ салаад явж байхад минь хэлсэн үгнээс нь болоод харьцахгүй байхаар шийдсэн, тэр нь ч их амар байсан. Харин Монголдоо ирээд олон жилийн дараа хүссэн хүсээгүй нэг дээвэр доор амьдрах орон зайгаа хуваалцахад "өөрөө өөртэйгөө шударга байдаггүй" гэх наддаа л хамгийн том нүгэл үйлдэгч маань төрөл арилжаад, ярьдаг зүйлсээ хэрэгжүүлэгч болсонд нь үхтлээ баярлав. Хүн өөрөө өөртэйгөө шударга байх нь хүмүүстэй шударга байхын эх болдог. Хүмүүстэй шударга байна гэдэг мөн тэднийг дээд цэгт нь хүндлэж байна гэсэн үг учир. Бүх зүйл нэг, хоёр ба түүнээс олон талтай... 

Tuesday, May 7, 2013

Home, etc.

Home. Finally. Although, of course, it's not really exactly my home. Mongolia is my home, but I've been homeless, kind of, for the last two years. Will be, for many more to come, for who you love is your home (if they love you back), and if I love noone, then do the math. Got the first preliminary check-up today - two interpretations: nothing is wrong (nothing is growing, no abnormalities that the doc could detect), or that everything is wrong (I don't understand why the ovaries are still functioning, why one is even ready to ovulate in a few days after nearly two years of the HRT). At least, it's not urgent. At least. The gyno I went to (because the LGBT Centre made an MOU with the organisation to provide sexual/reproductive healthcare services to the LBT people two years ago) refused to even see me "You're a guy, and this's a gynocological clinic". After 15 minutes of explaining to him who I was and why I was there, he finally agreed to do the check. I felt extremely exposed. One thing I loved about being out of Mongolia was my sense of anonimity and thus safety. After living for three months in a country where I didn't have to be scared of various elements following me, beating me up, or worse, where I, for the first time in years, relished the security, the safety even with a thin wooden door that anyone could've knocked out, both downstairs and to my apartment. I never felt unsafe. I wasn't apprehensive "Who's that dude who had followed for the last 5 minutes?!" preparing my mobile to dial the police, with my finger hovering above the push button, I wasn't  fearful "If I take the pup to pee now in the middle of the night, am I going to bump into haters?", wearing thick things around my torso in case they decide to stick it into me. I was just breathing. Living. Now that I am back, with every step I am falling back into that mode of apprehension, if not fear, if not downright panic. For one thing I realised how much stress this all brought into my life because the only way to experience the opposite was to get out of here and live outside for a while again.

Thursday, May 2, 2013

Кийто - сүүлийн бичлэг

Атлантагаас Сөүл хүртэл 14 цаг. Онгоцонд арван хэдэн цаг тасралтгүй юм бодсоор явах. Проекто Трансхенеро, Эли, Ана... Эквадор, юу, хаана, хэн. Дараа нь юу, хаана, хэн. Монголдоо очоод нэн даруй амжуулах зүйлсээ бодох, төлөвлөх, “гар хоосон” буцаагүйдээ баярлах, хажууд яваа нотны цаасуудаа тэвэрч, чихээ таглан өөртөө гинших солонгос хөгжимчин эсвэл хөгжмийн удирдаачийн болхид инээд хүрэх, өхөөрдөх. Өчигдрийн хилийн зурвас дээр ажиллаж байсан гей залуугийн тавьсан асуултуудыг санах, инээд хүрэх. Атлантагаас гарахдаа уншихаар аваад дунд нь оруулсан онолын физикч Мичио Какугийн шинэ ном болох 2100 он хүртэлх шинэчлэлүүдийн тухай уншиж мэдсэн зүйлсээ бодох. Сайны хажуугаар саар гэгчлэн саарын хажуугаар сүүлийн үед болоод байгаа сэтгэл хөдлөм хөөрхөн, сайн зүйлсийг санах, өхөөрдөн инээмсэглэх. Юу эс бодогдох. Эквадорт очиж амьдарсан гурван сар амжилтгүйн туйл байсан мэт боловч хамгийн чухал зүйл болох сэтгэлээ цэгцлэх ажлаа тэнд л очиж амжуулсан. Мартах, санах, цэгцлэх, ангилах, ялгах, эрэмбэлэх. Шууд утгаараа гар ба халаас сүүлийн үед байгаагүйгээр хоосон буцаж байгаа ч шууд бус утгаараа, сэтгэлээр баянаас илүү баян буцаж байна. Учир нь ганцаар өнгөрөөсөн гурван сар ихийг ойлгуулсан. Хамгийн чухал нь миний өөрийн тайван байдал гэдгийг биетээр дахин мэдэрсэн гурван сар. Тэгэхээр явсан ажил маань ор тас бүтээгүй биш, бүх зүйл ор хоосон өнгөрсөн биш, дэндүү их мөнгө үрсэн ч тэр л ганцаар байх орон зайнаас мэддэг байсан зүйлсээ дахин баталгаажуулах, эргэж санах, шинэ зүйлсийг ойлгох чухал үйл явц явагдсан. Итгэл гэдэг зүйлийн талаар бүрэн ойлгох, хүлээж авахаас өөр аргагүй байдалд орсон. Хүлээж авсан. Ойлгосон. Ямарваа зүйлийг хүлээж авахгүй бол тэр зүйлээ ойлготол дахин дахин тэр нөхцөлд ордог гэдэг. Хэчнээн удаа амьдралдаа ингэж итгэлээ бүрэн эвдүүлж байсан юм бэ дээ, тоолоод ч яахав, тархины эсийн гарз санагдах ч хангалттай тохиолдсон. Харин энэ болгоны цаана “яаж” л үлдээстэй. “Хаана”, “юу”, “хэзээ”-г мэдэх амархан, өөрийгөө л ажиглахад, бодол, үйлдлээ мэдэхэд, өөртэйгээ шударга байхад энэ гурав хангалттай ойлгомжтой болдог. Эдгээрийг ухах арга нь “яагаад”. “Яагаад”-аа ойлгосон цагт бүх зүйл эрт орой “хэзээ”-дээ, “юу”-ндаа хүрнэ. “Яаж” гэдэг л хамгийн барьцгүй нь байсаар байсан, одоо ч үлдэж байх шив дээ.

Saturday, April 27, 2013

Гэртээ харьчаад эхний 10 хоногт хийх 10 зүйлс

Эрдэнэтэд очоод:
1. Ээж дээрээ очиж баахан ээждээ эрхэлж, ээжийгээ эрхлүүлэх.
2. Хагалгааныхаа товыг гаргуулах.
3. Үхтлээ бууз, чанасан мах идэх.
4. Үхтлээ сүүтэй ба ногоон цай уух.
5. Үхтлээ түлээ хагалах.

Улаанбаатарт очоод:
1. Ээжтэй хамт хөдөө байлгах гөлөг олж авах, сургах. Йикийгийн тээвэрлэлт 600 ногоон, энд үлдээхээс өөр аргагүй. Гэхдээ нохой их хөөрхөн юм, ээждээ нэг нохой сургаж өгөхөөр шийдсэн. Ханьтай, хөгжилтэй байг.
2. ЛГБТ бахархалын долоо хоногийн ажилд туслахаар шумбан орох.
3. ЛГБТ Төвийн Эрүүл мэндийн болон нөлөөллийн хөтөлбөрийн стратеги дээр Нямка, Мөөгий нартай хамт ажиллах.
4. Мөги, Баам, Төгсөө, Саруул, Сайхнаа, Жоү гэсэн хэдэн дуучин нөхөд болон нэмэгдэх хүсэлтэй андуудтай караокедох. 
5. Ханзо орж бахардаж унатлаа бүжиглэх.

Нээрээ утсаа хааяад 2 долоо хоног болсон юм байна. Хэний ч дугаар байхгүй. Осолтгүй ээжийн гэрийн утсыг санаж байгаа. Дугааруудаа ФБ-ийн мессежээр явуулаарай, ард түмээн.

Thursday, April 25, 2013


Тэнүүлчин хүн гэж тэнүүлчин л хүн юм даа. Гучин долоо шүргэж буй би одоо хүртэл хээрээр гэр, хэцээр дэр хийсээр явна. Бүр яг шууд утгаар биш л. Ганцаараа амьдрах орон зай минь Энэтхэг, Монгол, Япон, Эквадор гэлтгүй яг ижилхэн: ор, ширээ, сандал, ном, комп. Жинхэнэ нүүдэлчин. Бие маань муудаад нэг сар боллоо. Цус алдалт. Сарын тэмдэг гэж хэлшгүй, зогсоод бараг хоёр жил болж байгаа зүйл. Угаасаа сарын тэмдэг биш, байнга бага багаар гэхээр. Проекто трансхенерогийнхныг "туслаач" гээд олон удаа гуйхад туслаагүй. Гадны хүн эх орондоо авчирч, мэдлэг чадварыг нь ашиглах гэсэн юм бол тэр хүнийхээ сайн сайхныг, хамгийн чухал нь эрүүл мэндийг нь бодох ёстой байтал үүнийг мэддэггүй хүмүүс. Ялангуяа транс хүмүүсийн эрхийн төлөө ажиллаж байгаа юм бол транс хүмүүсийн эрүүл мэндийн асуудал маш нарийн гэдгийг энэ олон жил ажиллачихаад огтоос ойлгоогүй бол энэ чиглэлээр ажилладаг гэж хэлээд ч хэрэггүй биз. Бас бус зүйл бий, бүгдийг нь өмнөх постдоо англиар бичсэн. Замын зардал, энд гурван сар амьдрахдаа хоосон зарцуулсан 4500 доллараар (тэр нь одоогоор бүр 5000 болоодохсон, учир нь эндээс Атланта орох суудлынхаа хугацааг өөрчилсөн гээд 500 төлөх хэрэг гараад, надад байгаагүй учир найзуудаасаа зээлсэн. Нөгөө транс эрхээр ажилладаг нэр зүүдэг ч үнэндээ зөвхөн нэр алдрын төлөө үхэн хатан явдаг хоёроос үүнийг төлөөч гэж уржигдар гуйсан юм, тэгсэн өнөөдөр зөвхөн 200-ыг нь надад өгнө гэнэ. Анараа, дахин хэзээ ч хэнд ч яаж ч байсан итгэж, гэнэдэхээргүй боллоо, тийм ээ?) өлхөөн хоёрдахь хагалгаагаа хийлгэчих байсан юм. Гэхдээ яахав, хүний мөс, мөн чанарыг дахин дахин харуулсан энэ хугацаа надад маш их зүйл зааж сургаснаас гадна тавьж явуулах гээд байсан тэр дурлал маань ч л аль хэдийн дууссан, мартагдсан. 5 сарын 2-нд гэртээ бууна. Орой очих учир хаа ч юм хоног төөрүүлчээд өглөө нь ээжрүү явна. Эрдэнэтэд байх хугацаандаа хагалгааныхаа товыг гаргуулна. Яаж ийж байгаад, хуруу хумсаа хугалж байгаад, шаардлагатай бол хүмүүсээс мөнгө зээлж байгаад хагалгаандаа орно. Санаагаар бол 5 сардаа багтаад орох санаатай. Байнга цус алдалттай явна гэдэг нөхцөл байдал маш муудсаных. Аль болох хурдан хагалгаандаа орох ёстой. Тэнхэртлээ ээжтэйгээ хөдөө байгаад намрын урь орох цагаар дахиад л тэнэхдээ бэлтгэнэ. Хаашаа тэнэх бол. Амьдралын ямар орон зай, мэдрэмжрүү тэнэх бол. Удахгүй гэртээ харина, ээжтэйгээ уулзана гэхээс л бүр сэтгэл маань гэсээд, өөрийн эрхгүй нулимс гарч байна даа...

Tuesday, April 23, 2013

Volunteering internationally: absolute 'do's

My first two English teachers came to Mongolia in the early 90s right after the transition with VSO, an international development organisation that works through volunteers who contribute to the local development working and building the capacity of the local people, obviously following their idealistic desire for changes they could contribute to, and of course, for adventure. Later I worked with volunteers, later still I ended up as the Education Programme Manager for VSO, its beautiful motto "Sharing skills, changing lives". All of my memories of the volunteers I had in my life as my teachers, later as my colleagues, are fond. Hell, I even married a development volunteer who came to Mongolia with AVI, Australian counterpart of VSO! How could they not be fond. 2013 January was the first time in my life that I had ventured outside my country as a volunteer -- paying my own, very expensive way from Mongolia to Ecuador, and living here out of my pocket -- because I believe in the LGBT rights, LGBT rights movement, and specifically, the nascent sub-movement within the broader LGBT rights movement: the transrights movement. After nearly three months here, I am ready to head back, and I thought I'd share my thoughts and experiences on international volunteering.

  1. Do find out about the organisation you're going to be working for, and I mean, everything. Do your research, contact people who have had working relationships with the organisation, contact counterpart organisations or organisations working on similar issues who may have had some contact with the organisation you are going to. If you know people in the country, ask them about the organisation and how it is run. If you can find out about the previous volunteers and can locate them, do talk to them to get a better idea of what the organisation is and to decide whether it is still your cup of tea. No matter how you think the organisation is aligned with your beliefs, it is still run by individuals who may have different interpretation of what they are doing, why. In my case, I completely trusted the founder of the Proyecto Transgenero, Eli Vasquez, had completely taken her word for what the organisation was without going through the basic rule number 1, because of my complete and utter trust. When I arrived, I began hearing the stories of how previous volunteers had done them wrong, how one tried to sue the organisation for human trafficking (because Eli promised him work before him coming to Ecuador, but didn't help at all, absolutely reminiscent of my case as well, with the difference that I am not suing anyone, but just kicking myself hard for being trusting and stupid), how one had a personal relationship with one of the PT management and had tried to take over the organisation, etc. Littlle by little I began hearing how the PT is not actually working within the broader LGBT rights movement (according to Eli: "We have different, incompatible issues"), that there was little to none cooperation with other LGBT NGOs because of various reasons that then sounded sort of legitimate (extreme insensitivity on the part of the director of one of the leading LGBT oganisations in Ecuador towards the two women of the PT at the time of their anguish). Having always stood for the unity within the LGBT rights movement between all the subcommunities of the broader sexuality minority community, having championed for cooperation and united front between all L-G-B-T people back in Mongolia from 2000 onwards, having dedicated my life to all LGBT people's causes, I found the last bit of information specifically troubling. All this information did ring my bells of worry, not of panic yet. Idealistic in my belief that I could and would contribute to the transrights situation in the country, because that is why they wanted me to come to Ecuador in the first place, I persevered. 
  2. Do find out about the staff as well as the board and other structures of the organisation. Within the PT, there is no accountability structure since the organisation is a legal amalgam of three people only, they don't have a board, or provide reports to the NGO-oversight bodies. Out of three one had been out of the picture for many years, making the organisation just two people + whoever volunteers for the organisation. When I realised that the organisation is simply two people doing ad-hoc events and advocacy, without much rhyme or reason through mostly the people they know within the Legislature and the Municipality, it began ringing bigger bells of worry, but I persevered, still. In February, two weeks after I came to Ecuador, I did my first workshop with the PT and PT volunteers to assess the needs of the trans community, and thus to start streamlining the organisation's efforts into a much more programmatic, rhymed and reasoned approach. After a day's workshop that was successful in that we mapped the most urgent areas of interventions for transpeople, I was told by Eli afterwards, very dismissively "That's not what we wanted. We wanted to know about fundraising". So I spent a different afternoon giving some very workable ideas to Eli on fundraising both in the legal personhood they are now in, and in a proper NGO legal personhood, if/when they choose to do so. The point: if the NGO doesn't represent the community they are supposedly working for, if they don't even have a board in any shape, if there is noone you can appeal to if things go wrong, don't panic, just try to work still on why you came: even if there is a lack of legitimacy and no democratic governing of the organisation, if the people who are governing the organisation are doing it for the right reasons, you may find it might work. But not in my case with PT. About two weeks or so into my stay here, I posted a bewildered, but still fairly innocuous post in my FB about how that day was a weird day. 2 minutes after the post, I was treated with paranoia and extreme suspicion "What is this post about? Is he trying to hurt your reputation?!" from the executive director of the PT. The post was about a mysoginistic and transphobic feminist who commented on the radio interview with two transpeople "They don't make radio programs about bearded women, but why make a program about bearded transman?!". It was deeply personally offensive to me because the radio program was actually highlighting the incredible agony transpeople have to undergo during the election times in Ecuador as the booths are gender-segreggated, and with the tiresome court-based system of changing the gender marker in the identity documents, most transpeople in Ecuador have their birth gender markers in their IDs, which is very, very, very problematic in every step of existence. But here was a feminist who didn't understand all of that, and simply jokes "They don't make programs about bearded women, why make a program on a bearded transman?!". Her so-called joke implied that she didn't see a difference between a mustachioed woman and a transman, which's extremely offensive, on all levels. Long story short, this comment in its context was never seen as offensive by one of the PT people, and the other freaked out when I posted about it. 
  3. Do find out about the exact status you will have in the country because a regular status means a lot. I was told that I would have a regular status, that it would be a cultural exchange and that I would be able to work with it. That's what I was told before coming here. After my arrival, Eli told me that she did ask around and found out that the cultural exchange status doesn't allow them to work, that I should get someone to marry so I could have a regular status and work to support myself. Extreme bells of worry rang then, but I just joked it off by saying "Show me someone I might like and I will marry her/him." No matter, two months into my stay and still no effort was made to regularise my status here, and after my pressuring of Eli, she finally began the process of getting all the necessary documents to enable me to get a cultural exchange visa. Since I am still on a tourist visa, I am having trouble accessing healthcare, even. But yes, run, run, run if someone even jokingly suggests that you should get married to get a regular status! That wasn't what was agreed in the first place, so if that basic agreement is being reneged on, what else can go wrong?! Everything, be ware! 
  4. Do find out about the healthcare coverage, especially if you're coming for an extended period of time. In my case, I came here for a year. Starting from the third week of March, I began having nightly, very strong stomach pains. When I was telling the PT staff about it en route to a concert, one of the PT staff made a joke of it and laughed. I was deeply offended, because health is nothing to joke about. I wanted to be let out, but what I didn't know was that apparently we were on a highway. More of the nightmare: on 30 March I began bleeding. I freaked out because since my hormone replacement therapy began, I never had bleeding and there shouldn't be any bleeding. If there is, there is something absolutely wrong. I wrote to Eli about how I was freaked out, I asked her to please help, she said she knew two doctors, but never took me to them. Bleeding after nearly two years of HRT is bloody serious, it is a cause of panic. But no help from the PT. Then last week while I was playing with Yikee in the park, he grazed my arm with his teeth, of course, it was during a play, but since he wasn't vaccinated against anything (although I got him at 3.5 months and so he should've been vaccinated long ago), I freaked out. No help came from the PT people. I asked my beighbours and with my basic Spanish managed to find the health centre, argued for 20 minutes that I did need vaccines, and they finally gave me just one against tetanus saying that since the puppy is domestic, it wouldn't have rabies no matter how much I tried to explain that he was never vaccinated against anything and that he plays outside with dogs, I let him play a few times even with the park dogs. Because of the bleeding, and all that it might entail, i.e., huge, huge health issues, I am choosing to return as soon as humanly possible.
  5. Do have a little self-respect! After my workshop with the PT was dismissed, I said to myself "Ok, let's continue working with them as they want things to go". It wasn't easy as I found out that I was being completely left out from all the processes that the PT was involved in, that I was simply there as a decoration, a nice trans decoration. What made matters worse was I was shouted at on 23 March in front of all the ALER (the Latin American and the Carribean Association for Radio Education, the host rado of the "South-Trans-South") staff who somehow were in that Saturday, although they usually are not in on Saturdays. After a deep and absolutely unwarranted humiliation, I managed to finish the interview with one of the guests of the "South-Trans-South". After I left the ALER building, Eli came and said that I was making a hell out of her life, that she had better things to do with her time than take care of my visa status, that one of the transwomen was dying (who showed up very happily next week for the Slut Walk meeting), that I was culturally insensitive (referring to the fact that I was offended by that feminist's "joke" which was no joke), and how I was hanging out and being friends with people who tried to "f*ck the PT over" (referring to my greeting of the girlfriend of one of my Spanish teachers who has taught a number of classes out of good will and for free, so why shouldn't I be nice to her girlfriend?! Because apparently one of the PT management had a fling with my Spanish teacher's girlfriend a long time ago and somehow there are some hard feelings leftover!) She began crying saying that she may be extremely brilliant, but that she couldn't even tie her shoelaces till she was quite old, that she had suffered a lot for her work with transpeople, that she wants to give up her work for trans people because the internationally famous transrights activists do not respect her and think her as an illegitimate trespasser in the trans rights movement. For the Nth time since I came to Ecuador, I told her that there shouldn't be any bio-essentialism in the human rights movement, and not especially in the transrights movement, that she should just disregard all those attacks. I hugged her to calm her down, but inside all of the bells of panic, disbelief and disgust were ringing. If you find yourself in a toxic environment such as this, have a self-respect, simply walk out.
  6. Do have the organisation tell you exactly how they plan to support your living in the country. Although I was told prior to my coming here that everything will be figured out, that there would be consultancies to sustain me financially, and I had been asking Eli to start contacting people who have need someone with my experience, 3 weeks ago Eli told me that nothing she says is definite, and that you don't get work in Ecuador just because of your qualifications or experience, that you need personal relationships and contacts. If they are unable to contribute to your basic needs, or say they would help you figure out, but don't lift a finger, get out. Run as if you're being chased by a devil.

What it all comes down to is: after asking her to help out with my health issue, after watching the documentary "Legal Patrol" -- an homage to Eli and her work for transpeople, after Eli's out-all FB-ing about my interview with the first and so far the only trans politician in Japan while she never did so with my other guests, after her million times of saying that the international transrights activists don't respect her and want her out (while I actually don't believe it: she's been supported to go to many international trans events, while I've been to a single LGBT internaitonal event in all my life) -- no matter how good her and PT's intetions are, they are in it for all the wrong reasons. If they don't get the basic-most need of the transpeople they are supposedly working with/for, how can they get other points? And if they don't get the basic-most point, what are they doing working in the transrights anyway? Now here I am, with 4500 dollars less than I had at the beginning of the year, the money I could hardly afford to spend for nothing, the money that in the hindsight I should've spent on getting my second surgery, with my HRT-related failing health, disappointment and humiliation, I am now stuck here on the other side of the world from home. Thank god I got the round tickets, but even trying to change the dates is costing me money that I hardly have. I also have to give up the puppy, Yikee, for although Eli did say that she would help out with his transportation back to Mongolia, nothing she says is definite. So adoption of Yikee is the only option. 

Let no one ever have this kind of nightmare experience ever again.

PS: Well, to change dates of my tickets out of Quito to Atlanta cost me additional 500$ that I didn't have, which I had to borrow from friends. I asked the PT people to pay at least that, but they said they could give me back 200$, but no more as they had gone into various expenses (which in the bigger pictue of things do not come anywhere near in comparison to 5 thousand that I had spent literally for nothing). So that's that. The only thing I want to do is to get out of here, get home, and access some medical help.


As many of you know, we are doing an online crowdfunding for the first time in the history of the Centre, and it happens to be for the Equa...