Friday, February 22, 2013

Advantages of dating a transguy

So last night I went to bed after a very fruitful day of working and nearly finishing up of the report, but being still high on caffeine after as many as eight cups of the liquid ambrosia that coffee is, I couldn't fall asleep. So I started thinking of funny things. And one thing led to another, and I suddenly thought that I must do a fun entry on the advantages of dating a transman. Such as myself. 

Number one: usually transmen come in different packages, we're what we were brought up in our respective families, communities, cultures, etc., the packages are all different, but not dissimilar: one thing we all share is the birth body, and thus the painful socialisation into that body, and all that goes with that body. Because we had been socialised into a painful for us gender, we had all gone through a female experience, some more than the others, some less. So for the straight transmen, that is the exact advantage. We're able to understand, empathise with women and women's problems. So when we're dating, we tend to be quite sensitive towards our dates, their feelings, positions, again, a huge advantage over many cis guys, in my eyes.

Number two: when you're dating a transguy, you never have to worry about a dick size, whether it's going to be too big, or too small. For the simple reason that most of us transmen don't undergo the very final surgery since the science is still lacking in its progress to effectively convert the female reproductive organs into a fully functioning, good-looking, good-feeling penis. Yes, of course, we have our own ones, but to be perfectly honest, they don't really come anywhere near the mother nature's gift to cismales. So we make do with whatever we find under hands, or can afford. Which means: the dick could be as big, or as small as you want. Unlike cismales, we can go and buy our dicks, in any size that our partner wants. Since it is something of our own extension, it is all ours, or so we consider, even if it didn't come appended to our scrotums from the beginning. Ain't that a huge advantage?!

Number three: transmen often make good parents. I never had a chance to parent, giving birth was always out of the question (no effing way for me! but a very real experience for some transmen, indeed), adopting hasn't happened so far as I'm still a nomad, but I would love a chance at a parenting. What I'd been exposed to since a kid makes me pretty sure that I would give all the freedom to do what/how my child pleases, as long as that's not harmful to anyone. So if you're dating a transguy, you will have, in the long term, when/if that long term happens, a very loving and understanding father for your children.

Number four: dating a transguy is exciting! Think about it: all your ideas of what constitutes a manhood had been experienced in a very unique way by transmen, so your transman will keep surprising you in all the areas of life, essentially. So if you're up for a lot of excitement in your life, if you're open-minded enough to allow yourself to like a transguy, you're up for a whirlwind of discoveries coming your way. 

And thus I sign off. Time to run for my Spanish class!

PS: Of course, there are disadvantages as well, but that is for the next time.

Tuesday, February 19, 2013

You're my queen to sacrifice

Me: alienated, downcast, lost for words, lost for the ways to express the zillion shades of my soul, drunk all the time -- on words, words to describe you. You: riding, flying, floating high, heady, purposeful, ignorant of the cruelty, your beauty of an awful infant the cruelty. Me: playing with the strings of your soul for I know it as much as my own, better than my own for its tiniest movements evoke the shadows of unfathomable colours, ancient sounds in me: you are the brilliant colours, the crystal music, the gentle rustle of autumn leaves, the surrender of sand to waves. But you: petulant, shut, stuck in your bubble of the familar, thus safe. But me: outrageously indignant of that tiny world of your self-imposed boundaries of the familiar, lost for words to break all that separates the real from the imagined, love from un-love, you from I. So you: soul-crippled, gimped, bitterly hemorraging, unaware of the violence you inflict upon the self. So me: lost, lost, lost for the nth time for words to make you see the violence you inflict on me, the tongue-tied, the broken-hearted, the un-winged... Letting go, letting be. Sacrificing once and for all. No more music, no more colours, no more rustle, no more surrender, no more love, no more hate, no more memories, no more dreams. No more you. No more I. Never us.

Sunday, February 17, 2013

хараал идсэн зүрх

Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.

хараал идцийн байна л даа, зүрхийг чинь. тэгээ, ид ид. гуйвж дайвтлаа ид. бүр унаж тустлаа ид. тэгээд бөөлжиж гарга. юу ч үлдээлгүй бөөлж. усаа тат. хов хоосон, тунгалаг ягаан цөс л үлдтэл бөөлж. амьдралын эх булаг болсон зүрхийг чинь хараал идчихсэн юм чинь сэтгэл, мэдрэмжээ хаа, робот шиг амьдар. тэгвэл эмзэглэхгүй. умарт. орхи. бүх итгэлээ хагачиж хая, өвдөхгүй. юу ч үлдээгүй юм чинь. бүгдийг март. зүүднүүдээсээ эхлээд. зүүд чинь биелдэг ч ай, хөөрхий... 2011 оны 1 сарын 22-ны шөнө эрэмдэглэгдсэн, цав цагаан хувцастай ч хувцас нь цусанд будагдсан хүмүүсээр дүүрэн цав цагаан хонгил. тэд цусаа гоожуулан юу ч болоогүй юм шиг алхаад, бие биетэйгээ яриад, чамтай юм ярих гэхээр нь үстэй толгой чинь арзайгаад, хананд наалдаж явснаа санаж байна уу?! тэр хүмүүс чинь чиний зэрэмдэглэгдсэн зүрхний хэлтэрхийнүүд...

Friday, February 15, 2013

Quito chronicles - 5

A vindication, a mourning. Everything coexists in this world. The Quito Municipal Council resolved unanimously this afternoon to name the annual prize for the outstanding work in sexuality and sexual diversity after an Ecuadorian LGBTI activist, a writer, a playwright, a thinker, a fighter for social justice Patricio Brabomalo Molina (1977-2005). His 28 years of life left a bright trail of star dust that still sparkles brightly in people's minds and hearts. One of the founders of the first lesbian organisation in Ecuador, Causana, a writer who published his first book at the age of twelve, a gay guy who wrote a protest play about homosexuality "516 caresses" after the Criminal Code clause that criminalised same-sex sexual activity until 1997, a feminist gay guy (not very many of them/us are running around in this world, believe me), a transrights activist who worked closely with Eli on a number of legal initiatives and projects, his name is now immortalised, his memory honoured, rightly so. But more than that, he's still loved, for he lives on in the hearts and minds of everyone who knew him. I remember the first time Eli was telling me about him in Geneva back in 2008, a special karmic connection that people make -- who knows for what reasons, but there are such connections, whether one believes in these things or not. Another life was honoured today, for she, too, is loved, and remembered and thus kept alive in many people's hearts. Evelyn, a transwoman, an activist, a sex worker, a beautiful woman full stop, was violently murdered on 14 February 2011. Proyecto Transgenero honours her memory every year today. All these emotions of sadness, victory, grief and vindication... As a humanity we have such a long way to go. As human beings in this imperfect world, all we can do, all we can be is the best we know how to be in our own, fucked-up ways. The rest will fall into its place. It always does.

Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Quito chronicles - 4

How can you not love these wonderful people, my favourite guys in Quito, Eli and Ana?! They've been zooming back and forth, first bringing me a fridge this afternoon and now dropping off blankets! The best news of all: we're having a planning and review meeting with the Cuerpos Distintos team and activists on Saturday! Can't wait to see all the dudes and dudettes I've admired from afar. We're also recording the audio trailer for the radio programme on Sunday for the South-Trans-South programme on ALER. As for self, still not done with the report, it's going slow. Hope to be done within the next 2 days. I must. It's a prerogative. Signing off, dreaming of the warm, warm, warm bed!...

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

Quito chronicles - 3

Two weeks in. Ten days of rain. A day in my very own place in the historical centre of Quito from the terrace of which I can see the Basilica, plus most of the old Quito. I can smoke inside or outside on the terrace, up to me, could only smoke outside at the religious residence. The whole of Ana's birth (parents, siblings) and love family (Eli) helped out yesterday to move -- 20 chairs, 9 tables, a bed, 3 mattresses, innumerable boxes were a fit indeed! -- so thank you so much. Why do I need so much? Well, for someone who had always had only the barest of necessities, this all is excessive, a bit overwhelming, truth be told, but looks like the living room will be the unofficial Cuerpos Distintos HQ for the time being -- the more the merrier. Exlpored my neighbourhood in the morning a bit, found a gym right next to the Basilica for a good monthly fee, some fruterias, a good bakery shop for coffees and attacks of "sweet-tooth". Healthy diet, building muscles where needed, burning fat (the HRT-related fat redistribution ended up giving me quite a paunch!) helped out by the very steep streets of the old Quito. I promised myself that I will be a very fit-bodied dude by July. Will have quit smoking by then, too. Still working on the report, but I aim to finish within tonight. The Lunar New Year's happening back home, coinciding with the Carnaval festivities in Ecuador. Did my small yearly ritual, chanting and throwing tobacco (for want of pieces of wood). Missed some dudes and dudettes yesterday as I have some very fond memories of the last year's Lunar New Year, Bituun and the first. Not the second. Departure of a dear friend, followed by a violent attack from Erdenedalai Ganzorig were a bit too much to take. The dude was found criminally guilty of his attack, but he was never given a punishment which is ridiculous, goes against the whole criminal justice principle that all criminals carry out a due punishment. Signing off.

Sunday, February 10, 2013

битүүн, цагаан сар, могой жил

үнэндээ сонинсоод ч байх юм алга. энэ хагас сайн, бүтэн сайнд кийто хүн багатай л байх шиг байна. хоёрдахийг дуустал энд бас наадамтай юм байна, хүмүүс хөдөө гадаа явдаг юм байна. одоо хүртэл гэр оронлуугаа нүүж ороогүй, нүүхээ хүлээгээл, нөгөө судалгаан дээр ажиллаад л, загалмайтны зочид буудалд орж гарахаа цагдуулаад л сууж байх шив. маргааш, нөгөөдрийн аль нэгэнд нь нүүх бололтой. манаби гэж далайн эрэг дээрх хотруу яваач, тэндэхийн нэг транс залуу дээр зочлооч гэсэн санал хүлээж авсан ч эхлээд гэр орондоо нүүж ормоор байна гэсэн шиг юм бодоод л. эндэхийн энэ баяр нь манай цагаан сартай бас давхцав. өнөөдөр монголд битүүн гэсэн чинь өнгөрсөн жилийн бузгай битүүн санаанд оров. ээж өнгөрсөн жил цагаан сараас өмнө хөдөө явсан байсан тул би жинхэнэ дэлхийн иргэн шиг солонгос хоолоор тулгаатай битүүрсэн юм байлээ. тэрний өмнөх жилийн битүүн бас л хөөрхөн түүхтэй. хэдхэн хоногийн өмнө нь эксээсээ салаад хэдэн ном, хувцасаа баглаад нүүцэн, битүүн л юм чинь ээжийндээ очиж битүүрдэг баагий ээжийнд очсон чинь "гэгээрсэн", нэг эцэг эхээс унасан тул генын хувьд их адилхан ч надаас бүр тэс өөр зарчимаар амьдардаг эмэгтэй (за яахав, эгч л гэхээс гэхдээ эгч гэхэд их хэцүү хүн дээ. намайг амьдралдаа хүнд үе туулж мөлхөх болгонд дээрээс минь дэвсэлдэг хүнийг одоо хүн юм гэх үү) намайг дахиад л янз бүрээр дуудахаар нь бузар санагдаад, шууд ээжийг дагуулж гараад лос бандидост битүүрсэн юм билээ л. "ээж ээ, энэ жил хүү нь шилжилтэнд орно. бүх зүйл өөрчлөгдөнө. хоолой амаас эхлээд" гэж ээжид тэгэхэд тэр орой хэлсэн. ээж их тайвнаар хүлээж авсан даа. за тэгээд эргээд өнгөрсөн жилийн цагаан сарлуу орвол шинийн нэгэнд нь пицца идсэн юм билээ хэхэх. муу хүн идсэн ууснаа гэж, гэхдээ их сонин содон учир л яриад байна л даа. битүүнээс эхлээд шинийн нэгэнд хэдэн өнчин өрөөсөн мэт, гэр оронгүй мэт баагийнууд цугласан байсан юм билээ. өнгөрсөн жил тэгээд шинийн хоёрон байна уу, гуравны үед л буузны үнэр амтыг авсандаа, анхмаа гэж хүүхэд муу ахдаа гэрээсээ бууз авчирч, миний нарыг гаргасан хэхэх. битүүнээр солонгос хоол идчээд, акшн кино үзчээд буцах замдаа тулгаа таксинд утсаа хаяж, баахан нервтэж, дараа нь түүнийг гаргаж өгөхөөр найзууд ирж, хэдүүлээ ч байсан юм, нэг тэгж битүүрсэндээ. нэгнийг бол дурсаад ч хэрэггүй. санадаггүй юм чинь. санаж байгаа зарим зүйл бий. тулгаа хулан хоёр үнсэлцээд л, би ангайж гайхаад л хахахах. өө тийм нээрээ эксийн жил орж байгаа юм билээ л. одоо дөчин еснийх нь жил шүү дээ. тэрийг блоклоцон. бас бус олон хүнийг блоклосоон, миний хэлсэн үгийг буруугаар ойлгож, буруугаар бусдад тайлбарласнаас болж надруу дайрах үндэслэлийг өгсөн хэд хэдэн хүмүүсийг блоклосон. би дааврын хувьд бүрэн, бие эрхтэний хувьд хагас дутуу эр болоод хорин сар болж. тэгээд "би дааврын хувьд эр хүн" гэж уул нь нэг найз гэж бодсон хүнд хэлсэн чинь тэр нь хэдэн ч хүнд цааш нь буруугаар тайлбарласан юм, саяхан хүртэл тэр анжигийн найз охин надруу дайрахдаа хэлсэн үгийг нь бодоод, мэдээж тэрэнтэй л тэр тухай ярьж байсан, тэрийг нь тэр цааш нь аюумшигтайгаар буруу дамжуулсан гээд найз гэж бодож байсан, бас өөрийнхөө чадлаар туслаж байсан нэг хүнийг, түүний найз гэх мэт хүмүүсийг блоклосон. бас хоёр ч эксийг блоклосон юм байна шүү. нэг нь миний хамаг дотны хүмүүстэй найз болцон, тэдний коммент нтрээр миний статусыг уншдаг байсан юм шиг байгаан. зайл зайл. би тэрнээс хамт байхдаа ч, дараа нь ч ноцтой юм гуйж үзээгүй ч өнгөрсөн жил хоёр хагалгаагаа хийлгэнэ гэж төлөвлөөд байсан ч пенсний мөнгө дансанд арай орж ирээгүй, хугацаа тулчихсан, гурван мянган доллар зээлэх шаардлага гараад бажигдаад тэр л санаанд орохоор нь "холбогдооч, би хагалгаандаа явлаа шүү" гэж тэрнээс гуйсан чинь таг алга болсон юм. зайл л биз дээ. нэг залуу "хүмүүсийг уучилж сур" гэсэн байсан, миний фб дээр. яг бол "өнгөрснөө" гэсэн ч өнгөрсөн гэдэг хийсвэр зүйл биш, хүмүүс л. ёстой харин ч жинхэнэ уучилж чаддаг хүн гэж өөрийгөө бодоод байгаашт. үнэхээр уучилж чаддаг. бүр ор тас марттлаа уучилдаг. гэхдээ олон зүйл бодсоор байгаа юм байна. өнгөрсөн хоёр жилийн бүх зүйлийг, магад бүр 2004 оноос эхэлсэн бүх зүйлийг одоо л тунгаах орон зай олдсон учир буцаад өнгөрсөнлүү өнгийгөөд байгаам шиг байгаан. нэг иймэрхүү л ганцаараа битүүрээд сууж байх шив. сайхан байнөө сайхан байна.

Wednesday, February 6, 2013


Ode to human existence in all its complexity -- love, hate, joy, birth, death, struggle, victory, sexuality in all its human, fluid forms -- is what the "Tatuaje" was, a new ballet by the Ecuadorian National Ballet Company moved me to almost tears. The dancers, oh, the dancers portraying the vivacity of emotions in pure motion. Haven't been so moved in such a long time by a ballet, but here we go. Gustavo Vernaza, a new friend, a ballet dancer of the Ecuadorian National Ballet, one of the lead dancers in the production...... How can I explain what I saw.... Sinewy power of embodied intangibles. It was simply outstanding, beautiful, and meaningful. Thank you, thank you so much for what you do!

Monday, February 4, 2013

өрөвч, уучламтгай...

тэнэг өрөвч, уучламтгай, яацарцан зөөлөн хүн бэ дээ, би. яагаад хүмүүсийг уучлаад, өнгөрөөгөөд байдаг юм бол. бүр ор тас сэтгэлдээ юм үлдээлгүй уучилчихсан байдаг нь бүр хачин. бүр мартчихсан байдаг юм байна. сонин хүн шүү. гэхдээ л экс бас арай дэндүү байсан байна. 2011 оны зуны бичлэгүүд аймаар түүх өгүүлж. би эксээ гуйсаар эх орных нь хөгжил судлалаараа толгой цохьдог сургуульд магистрт бүртгүүлүүлж, тэрээр сурч эхэлсэн нь 2009 он. төгссөн нь өнгөрсөн оны 12 сар. салсныхаа дараа ч өөрөө унтах оргүй, шилжилтээ эхэлчээд хоол унд сайн идэх ёстой байсан ч түүний сургалтынх нь төлбөрийг хийсээр, амьдрах мөнгө өгсөөр байсан учир өөрөө хоол унд муутайхан явж байхдаа зөвхөн "үйлийн үр гэж зүйл байдаг юм шүү" гэж хэлсний минь төлөө тэр яг ямар үйлдэл гаргасныг нь уншсан чинь дотор муухайрав. тэр хүлээн зөвшөөршгүй үйлдлүүдийнхээ төлөө надаас хэзээ ч уучлалт гуйгаагүй учир, сургуулиа төгсчөөд зүгээр л "чамд баярласан шүү" гэж хүн утгаар хэлчээгүй учир түүнтэй дахин нэг ч удаа холбогдохгүйгээр шийдэв. уучлах ёсгүй зүйлсийг хүн уучилж болохгүй учир...

Quito chronicles - 2

2 February, Saturday:
1. Eli & Ana introduced me to Ana-Carolina, a lovely lady, a leader of one of the transwomen's associations (trans sex workers' association, that is) in Quito. Note to self: what can I do about this field that has been completely omitted by the mainstream feminists in Mongolia? They never wanted to touch LGBT issues with a pole from afar (even the ones who called themselves true feminists (in my eyes, they were falsemenists), which thankfully changed since 2009. However, they never really engaged on or touched the subject of sex work, meaning the whole sex work paradigm has been left out from the dialogue on gender and women's rights in Mongolia. And transwomen's sex work and related issues within sex work paradigm is a totally different, a bit more complicated kettle of fish that needs to be dealt with and put out in the open. How, how, how... I'll keep thinking.
2. Six Tonic Lounge Club -- my first visit to a gay bar in Quito. Quito has 2 million people, that would mean that there could be as many as two hundred thousand of us in and around Quito alone. Need to start going out in a month to this and other places when I'm a little more conversational in Spanish, I would love to meet new people, make friends and maybe more, who knows.

3 February, Sunday:
Avenida de los volcanes train route passing through Tambillo, Machachi, El Bolicho and Catalunga -- breathtaking, gorgeous, soul-searing vistas of the sierras. I officially declare to be in love with Ecuador, and it's only after seeing the parts of the sierra. Imagine what I'll say when I see the coast and El Oriente! Thanks and thanks and thanks! Can't wait to see the rest of the country at some point. And then I may never leave.  That's a chance Eli & Ana will have to take!

4 February, tomorrow:
1. Police training by the Cuerpos Distintos that I will tag along. The Cuerpos Distintos have developed the training module/textbook on gender-sensitive, trans-sensitive policing, which is an official part of the Police academy curriculum, something the Centre is still to do, well included in its Legal Programme plan.
2. Move to my very own studio!

5 February, the day after:
1. How could I ever forget: I'm going to my first ballet in Ecuador! Beautiful Gustavo, a new friend, Cuerpos Distintos team member, is one of the lead dancers at the Ballet Nacional de Ecuador, and he's got a performance of a new ballet Tatuaje on Tuesday. Have an invitation that is valid fo two! Very much looking forward to the ballet. I'm sure I will be thinking of all the hours Tulgaa, Erhem and I spent in Roy's loge at the Opera and Ballet Theatre, with one particular instance when I had laughed so hard as if I was at a really good comedy performance... Never had I laughed at the Opera and Ballet Theatre, hopefully never will, again (the lead baritone was killing his arias and one couldn't but laugh).
2. Spanish classes begin!

9 February, Saturday:
Cuerpos Distintos projects overview, strategic planning, fundraising, etc. brainstorming with the team!

And sometime during the next week I will welcome Yik, my adoptee pup, into my life. Esto es vida!

PS: I brought rains with me. Been feeling blue, a little, and as it often is the case, the skies start crying with me, too. Happening again. In another country. After so many years. Morancer of the skies!

Saturday, February 2, 2013

Welcome to my heart, Ecuador

Quito chronicles - 1

Today's exactly my fifth day in Quito. Have tasted the local flavour through food, music and foraying briefly to old Quito, my domicile eventually. Old Quito is full of churches, cathedrals, old buildings dating to the 17th century, I loved the feel of it. Have even taken the public transport twice on my own, didn't get lost, except people stared at me, a lot. I just took that as a compliment to my handsomeness ;) Have experienced the glimpses of the Latin American culture through the queer reading by Pedro y Nelda, a gay Chilean writer and artist (during which I shamelessly nodded off, and slept through -- felt bad, but couldn't help it: jetlag, 13 hours of time difference, blah-blah), the open-air concert on Wednesday where the absolute stars were the Los Nin, a hip-hop/rock/traditional Andean fusion band. My favourite literary character, Arthur Burton of Gadfly by Ethel Lilian Voynich, spent his youth in Ecuador, where he learnt Quechua, which is also sung in the video below. A lovely sounding language, want to learn it at least on a basic level after Spanish.

Otherwise, have been busy working on the report for the Centre, for which I still need data to finish up. Meanwhile Eli's been busy working on an article, which meant that we both were simply doing our own things cooped up in our respective homes, meeting for lunches, Eli & Ana updating me about and around Proyecto Transgenero, the Trans House, etc. In brief, I've been taking things easy this week before I move to my studio on Monday, before I can begin to settle down properly, start getting into a rhythm of life, like starting the Spanish classes, going to gym, getting my dog. Yes, I'm adopting a puppy! A labrador and a dalmation mix called Yikee. Haven't met him yet, hopefully we will click, hopefully he will like me. I'm thinking of renaming him into something that might be recogniseably Mongolian, like Ikhee, will see because apparently he already answers to Yikee. Never had a dog, always wanted one, begged my parents as a kid at every opportunity for a puppy -- literally every one of my birthdays till I was 15 I had asked for a dog -- they never caved in because they thought a dog would be too much for a two-bedroom apartment I grew up in. Then at 15, I eventually managed to sneek in my first cat, Mimi, who pretty much behaved like a dog, like greeting everyone at the door, etc. Mongolians didn't like cats so much then as they seem to do now, but my family grew to love Mimi who was the sweetest thing ever. A canine companero Yikee who will eventually end up in Mongolia with me. Wow... I've learnt to trust that things happen for the right reasons, have witnessed all that and more in my life, especially in the last two years, so I'm trusting this dog adoption as well. That's pretty much it for now. 

PS: Dreamt I went bald last night, with a band of intact, very thin hair like a Catholic priest's tonsure around my head... Eli reminded me of the dream when she asked whether I lost hair since my HRT. Yes, I did, and I am still losing hair, and I wouldn't want to go all bald, but if that happens, I'll live. I will never be of those people who wear wigs. 


As many of you know, we are doing an online crowdfunding for the first time in the history of the Centre, and it happens to be for the Equa...