Tuesday, May 7, 2013

Home, etc.

Home. Finally. Although, of course, it's not really exactly my home. Mongolia is my home, but I've been homeless, kind of, for the last two years. Will be, for many more to come, for who you love is your home (if they love you back), and if I love noone, then do the math. Got the first preliminary check-up today - two interpretations: nothing is wrong (nothing is growing, no abnormalities that the doc could detect), or that everything is wrong (I don't understand why the ovaries are still functioning, why one is even ready to ovulate in a few days after nearly two years of the HRT). At least, it's not urgent. At least. The gyno I went to (because the LGBT Centre made an MOU with the organisation to provide sexual/reproductive healthcare services to the LBT people two years ago) refused to even see me "You're a guy, and this's a gynocological clinic". After 15 minutes of explaining to him who I was and why I was there, he finally agreed to do the check. I felt extremely exposed. One thing I loved about being out of Mongolia was my sense of anonimity and thus safety. After living for three months in a country where I didn't have to be scared of various elements following me, beating me up, or worse, where I, for the first time in years, relished the security, the safety even with a thin wooden door that anyone could've knocked out, both downstairs and to my apartment. I never felt unsafe. I wasn't apprehensive "Who's that dude who had followed for the last 5 minutes?!" preparing my mobile to dial the police, with my finger hovering above the push button, I wasn't  fearful "If I take the pup to pee now in the middle of the night, am I going to bump into haters?", wearing thick things around my torso in case they decide to stick it into me. I was just breathing. Living. Now that I am back, with every step I am falling back into that mode of apprehension, if not fear, if not downright panic. For one thing I realised how much stress this all brought into my life because the only way to experience the opposite was to get out of here and live outside for a while again.

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