Tuesday, October 1, 2013

Homosexual desire in formerly straight-identified transmen

Sounds like a bloody treatise, doesn't it? Well, it's not; the following are just some personal observations I am making in relation to my own sexual drive and sexual desires post-transition. My hormonal replacement therapy that began in June 2011 has rendered me very much homosexually inclined, or, at the very least, very much sensually appreciative of men, the fact that was so completely alien to my nature, or what I thought my nature, that figuratively the jaws of my intellect dropped to the floor when I found myself in love with and lusting after a guy, half a year into my transition. It took a whole long while before I could claim it completely and fully, which was this year. Pre-transition: I always fell in love with women, so I presumed that after embarking on my transition, I would be just one of those countless straight men, albeit a man who had internalised experiences of women through his own life experience. (Again, how much biological essentialists would've agreed with me claiming the straight male identity since my whole life pre-transition I'd lived as a gender-queer butch, is another question. Regardless, despite the socio-cultural conditioning, I have always felt since the age of ten that God allowed for some awful mistake to take place by making me a woman. The emotional pain, the unpassing intrinsic belief that I was born in the wrong body haunted me my whole life. The funniest thing was that I'd always thought that most lesbians hated their bodies, too, like me, which turned out not to be true at all). Post-transition: oddly, all I see now are guys. Some friends think I must've been gay from the very beginning, but I honestly don't think so as I'd been a gynephiliac (someone who is attracted to women and femininity) 95% of my life, but in the past two years I found myself literally, day-by-day become an androphiliac (someone who is attracted to men and masculinity). The points of sexual desires pre- and post-transition are somewhat similar, especially as my sexual desires towards women and some effeminate men go: the main form of desire pre-transition was that of an aggressor in pursuit of physical and sexual possession and gratification. But that is not the main form of my sexual desire these days. Given, the LGBT communtiy in Mongolia is an extremely homogenous community sans much gender diversity, so even when I have tried to pursue my androphilia-fuelled lust, they often ended in zero success here. Perhaps, had it not been for these negative experiences, I might still be the aggressor in pursuit of possession... Or perhaps, that is not even it. Perhaps, because I was rejected a few times by cissexist gay guys who would've only been interested in me had I been born with something hanging between my legs, I had developed an incredible level of sexual insecurity that I no longer feel that I am the "it", the dude who can confidently pursue and get anyone I want. Or really, perhaps, it is not about that at all... Who knows why and how does a homosexual desire come about in formerly straight-identified transmen? What happens with our brains as our bodies change? Is our sexual orientation simply so embedded in our bodies/brains that when our bodies/brains change with hormonal transition, it also undergoes a change?!... But what about the dynamics of the sexual desires?

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