Tuesday, December 10, 2013

Out with the surgery, in with the plans

Since I'm pretty much broke after this trip (with the rent paid up until mid-March, I really needn't worry about the money), I will hopefully get a few interpretation gigs in the first few months of the next year, with the earnings from which I plan to visit San-Francisco for a couple of months just to be in a place where I will be completely accepted. This, the acceptance of me as I am, a man, albeit a transman, but a man nonetheless, is of utmost importance given the emotional turmoil that's been ruling my life ever since I fell in love, properly with all the sexual feelings as well as emotional feelings just as it used to be with women, with a guy for the first time in my life. The two year-long love that self-sustained showed me the fact that I was still seen as a woman in his eyes. Even after my top surgery, even after my beard started growing, even after my first gay sex. The time we spent together as friends should have shown him my true colours, but he was all too blind to them: he was blinded by his own prejudice and transphobia. He will continue to live his life in blindness, he will live a half-life the rest of his life because he chose to do so. I, on the other hand, choose to move forward, however painful it is. I ran away to Ecuador the first time he shocked me with: "I don't know what to choose". I am not a "what", I am a "who". If he was ever attracted to me, it was to me a man, not a woman since he never even knew me pre-transition. About a month and a half ago, he shocked me once more: "You are the most effeminate fag that I know of". Then about two and a half weeks ago, he shocked me once again: "I see you as an older sister". I took it all, swallowed it all, I didn't even have a desire to punch him in his smug little pretty face because I didn't want to lose him. More than that, I've gone beyond my oath to myself in regards to him: I promised myself that I won't ever allow anyone to touch me in any other way than lovingly, and he has, twice. Enough is enough. It took me a year to come to this final farewell. I will look back on this period of my life and will laugh uncontrollably at his cowardice, transphobia and self-denial. Plus, I need a mirror, and he ain't it. A mirror, someone much like me intellectually, spiritually, who will support everything I do as much I will him/her, who will inspire me and who I will inspire to greater deeds, on the basis of mutual, unconditional love. Since last summer, I came to a conclusion that whoever is my next significant other, it has gotta be someone even more evolved than I am, perhaps, a bodhisattva of some sorts. So, SF it is, and the Buddhist community there, see you in 4 months!

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