Tuesday, December 16, 2014

love, relationship, activism, etc.

love and relationship: it's been a blissful one and a half months with my gorgeous man who happens to be one of the sexiest dudes i've laid my eyes on, ever, no exaggeration there. pinching self from time to time still happens, often when i'm just about to drift off into the lands of morpheus, his beautiful scent comforting me, his languid body resting against me, our arms, legs all entwined. in the time past that we had spent together, i threw a jealousy fit once over something that made me realise my own limits: i thought i would be able to accept and maintain an open relationship for his sake given the fact that he's so much younger than me, that i would be ok with him experimenting (meaning fucking) around. when the reality of what that means hit me when i discovered something that froze me dead, panicky and close to tears. no matter how much i thought i would be able to give him the freedom to do what and how he pleases, the reality is that i just won't be able to do that. period. when he falls in love with someone else, i will let him go, for sure, but not earlier.

etc. part that's been really bugging me: ahem, my personal life is my personal life. who i am with is nobody's business, and so should it about the identity of my significant other, but i've been unpleasantly surprised by how people, even friends, have been acting around/with my boyfriend: he is often drilled by people's incredulous looks/questions that appear to undermine the very validity of our relationship where people think they are entitled to question the realness of our relationship. the disbelief, the judgement, transphobia and even offensively erroneous assumptions of the nature of our sexual relations are expressed strongly especially by gay guys, mostly owing to their transphobia. indeed, cisgender gay guys are one of the most transphobic folks i have EVER encountered, period, but my boyfriend, though he's as gay as they come, is not one of those transphobic gay dudes, another awesome part that makes me so grateful for his presence in my life. but to get back to those who are not like him: the looks my boyfriend's given, the questions he's asked by other gay guys are all in the same vein: "how can you even be with someone like anaraa, he's a trans guy?!", "whyever would you even choose someone like anaraa, his transitional body, his politics, his transparency about his life?!", "what do you even effing do in bed, he must lack a dick?!?!" hey, you know what?! keep your narrow-minded constructions of sex and sexuality to yourself, don't flaunt your ignorance!

activism, etc.: work's been great, the team pulling our weight on a development of a few projects to be sent for funding early next year. plus we just launched a small in terms of the size, but hopefully huge by the magnitude of affect youth project, exciting work with allies and volunteers. wrapping things to say "good bye, 2014! hello-hello, 2015!" apart from work, i've been also working on the development of my doctoral thesis research plan as i need to get on top of finding an adviser within the next year to hopefully start my ph.d. studies in 2016 spring/autumn. the more i am reading, the more i am sure that the line of the inquiry is my atomisation theory (which is, in a nutshell: till date all ideologies of the humankind were based on just one thing: creation, management and utilisation of resources and who has what access to them when and why. as the technology advances and allows every single individual an unlimited access to/possibility of contribution to that unlimited resource/wealth (which is not so far off, judging from all the immense technologies out there as chronicled by michio kaku in the two of his latest books, physics of the future, the future of the mind), all ideologies will come to an end, heralding in a non-ideology based model of the human kind, a truly human-centred one). i gave the first talk around this theory of mine that i've been developing on 27 november at the national legal institute, hopefully will come up with a lot more in terms of the beef on the skeleton within the next couple of months to comfortably start applying for professors to take interest in my research topic. all in good time, all in good time.

Thursday, December 11, 2014

... nothing but gratitude...

to stay in the present means to immerse myself so deeply within the reality of my feelings and surroundings so much so that everything resonates in me. to be so strung and in tune with it all that everything around becomes echo of self/other. to let things flow. to let self/other flow. to be free... nothing remains but gratitude.

Tuesday, November 25, 2014

love letter of day twenty three

mesmerised, i stare at you. "i take pictures of you in my head all the time", i tell you. you laugh, ask if that's possible. anything and everything is possible when you're with me. i spend my busy and sometimes not-so-busy days daydreaming of you, replaying the footage of more than three weeks of happiness together: your beautiful eyes, your fluid movements, the feel of your skin, tender, velvety, the sound of your breathing, the caught-in-the-throat sighs, your gorgeous you-smell, the fullness, content and peace you give me. if all we see in others is our own reflection, i must be just as beautiful as you are, and i can hardly believe it, still.

Wednesday, November 19, 2014

ode to rolling oceans

rolling oceans of peace, happy peace, and content. calmness of a joyful movement of the senses. you are my peace, my urgent passion, my heartbeat, my soul intercoded. you are my expansive joy of being reawakened. my lover. my desires mirrored. my dream awake. my beautiful man.

Tuesday, November 4, 2014

stay with me


floating... floating on a breath that takes me thousands of miles upwards and inwards into you and me... floating on your beautiful scent, sublimely innocent yet urgent... floating with our eyes closed, only our fingertips are ablaze with each millimetre of the terra nova... up, up, up and up!... stay with me all the way, stay locked within my gaze, don't look down, don't freak out...

you are now etched in me as i am in you.

Monday, October 27, 2014

хэвтээ нь босоо, босоо нь хэвтээ

а: сайн байна уу. юу хүлээж байгаа юм бэ?
х: юу ч биш. уначихаад босмооргүй санагдаад хэвтэж тэнгэр ширтсээр уйдаад, тэгээд босч суугаад, суусаар уйдаад доош харж хэсэг хэвтсэн ч босмооргүй санагдаад газар холбирч байгаа нь энэ.
а: яагаад суугаагаа, хэвтээгээ мэдэхгүй ч суусаар. чи эхлээд унасандаа шаралхаад гүрийхээр шийдсэн юм уу? угаасаа чи босоо байгаагүй, яг наад суугаа байдал чинь чиний босоо байдал ч юм билүү? чи унасан гэдэгтээ итгэлтэй байна уу?
х: чи ямар олон долоон юм асуудаг юм? хэн болоод хүмүүсийн дотрыг янз бүрийн тэнэг асуултаараа онгичиж болно гэж бодоов? миний хэвтээ, босоо, мөлхөө чамд хамаагүй. ирсэн замаараа явж буй газарлуугаа явсан чинь өлзийтэй шүү. чамд хариулмааргүй, чамтай ярьмааргүй байна. явж үз.
а: уучлаарай, ихэнхдээ хүмүүс миний асуултуудыг сөргөөр хүлээж авдаггүй ч чи нээрээ л унасан бололтой.
х: явж үз. солиотой юм уу, чи? хэвтэж байгаа хүнээр тохуурхмаар байна уу?
а: би асуулт асуухын тулд, өөрийнхөө мэдэж, мэдэрч буй зүйлсийг баталгаажуулахын тулд аялдаг ийм нэгэн аялагч. чи миний зам дээр хэвтээ таарсан. ихэнх хүмүүс уул нь босоогоороо таардаг ч хэвтээ таарсан учир ингээд чамайг ээрээд байна. хэрэв чи миний замд таараагүйсэн бол би чамаас юм асуухгүй, чи миний асуултанд хариулах албагүй байх байсан. одоо ч хариулах албагүй. гэхдээ би асуух зүйлсээ асууж байж, бүх хариултыг сонсч байж эндээс явах учир сониуч занг минь өршөө. хоёулаа хэсэг л ярилцъя. тэртээ тэргүй чи хэвтэхээс өөр зүйл хийгээгүй л байнадаг.
х: тэр нь тийм. гэхдээ чамд хариулахгүй гэж болно гэж чи өөрөө хэлснээ санаарай. хүссэнээ асуу.
а: чи түрүүн унасан гэсэн. яг унасан юм уу? хүн унагаасан юм уу? эсвэл юмнаас өнхрөө юу? хаанаас өнхрөөв?
х: айн гээд уун гэж бай. би бас чамтай адил аялагч. чамаас ялгаатай нь асуулт асуухын тулд аялдаг хүн биш. эхэндээ би яах гэж аялж байгаагаа мэддэг байсан ч, цаг хугацаа өнгөрөх тусам тэр анхдагч зорилго мартагдсан. гэсэн ч анхдагч зорилгоос илүү сонирхолтой байсан учир аялсаар л. олон жил энэ замаар аялсан даа. заримдаа замын нэг газар ирээд эхлэлрүү дахин буцах хэрэг гарна. буцаад л аялна, эхлэл цэгтээ очно. тэгээд дахин аян замд гарна. нэг л зам, нэг л харгуйг олон янзаар туулахыг өдөр болгон мэдэрнэ. энэ удаад би үнэхээр өөрөө унасан. өмнө нь хүмүүс намайг явган, мориноос, тэрэгнээс унагаж байсан удаа цөөнгүй л байв. харин энэ удаа би өөрөө сонгож унасан.
а: чиний духнаас чинь цус гараад тав болоод тогтож. өвдөж шаналах өөр зүйл алга уу? би чамайг ойрхон хотруу үүрч хүргэж өгч болно шүү.
х: чи тааралдсан хүн болгоноо ингэж өрөвдөөд байдаг уу? адгийн алуурчин шархадсан мэт жүжиглээд хэвтэж байвал чи өрөвдөж үүрч яваад алуулах хүн байна даа.
а: за өрөвддөг гэхээс илүү ямар хүн, яагаад ийм тийм бодол агуулдаг гэдгийг нь л мэдэх сониуч хүн. би чинь асуугч шүү дээ.
х: уналт. чиний эхний асуултруу эргэж очьё. би аялаад л, эцсийн зорилго, хүрэх цэг, очих газаргүй мэт л энэ л замаараа өгсөн уруудан олон жил аялахдаа үүнээс өөр зам байгаа болов уу гэж өөрөөсөө мөн олон удаа асуусансан. нээрээ үүнээс өөр зам байдаг уу?
а: үүнээс өөр зам байхгүй. энэ зам бол цор ганц зам.
х: тийм ч биз. байсан бол түүгээр нь аль хэдийн яваад эргээд ирсэн, эсвэл дахин хэзээ ч эргэж ирэхгүйгээр төөрсөн байх байсан биз. өөр зам үгүй бол өдөр, орой, шөнө, өглөө л өөр болохоос энэ л зам, энэ л харгуй. учрах элдэв сонин сайхан, хүмүүс, ан амьтан хүртэл сүүлдээ давтагдмал санагдаад ядраад... ядрах хэрнээ "урагш явах ёстой" гэсэн бодолдоо дарамтлагдаад эхэлснээ би ойлгосон. тэгээд л унаж явсан мориноосоо өнхөрч унаад тэр чигтээ энд хэвтэж байна. морь нэлээд олон хоног миний хажууд идээшилсэн ч сүүлдээ эмээл бүүргийг нь суллахад нутагруугаа давхих шиг болсон.
а: чи тэгээд одоо эндээсээ хөдлөхгүй юу?
х: хүсвэл хөдөлнө. одоохондоо хүсэхгүй л байна. тэр болтол эндээ хаашаа ч яарах шаардлагагүй, хэн ч намайг хүлээгээгүй орон зайд ганцаар... хэзээ л бол хэзээ нүдээ аниад эргээд нээхэд минь бүх зүйл миний л замын үргэлжлэл. өөр хэнийх ч биш. энэ л чухал бололтой.
а: энэ л чухал гэдгийг чи яаж мэдэж байгаа юм? чамд тавьж явууламгүй үнэт зүйлс, хүмүүс байгаагүй гэж үү? дахин хэзээ ч харахгүй гэхээр зүрх чинь шимширч, сүнс чинь агшиж, амьсгал чинь боогддог хүмүүс байхгүй гэж үү?
х: байсаан. одоо ч байгаа. олон ч байсан. байсаар ч байх болно. гэхдээ яг одоогоор бүгдээс салах энэ хэвтээ мэдрэмж л сайхан байна. хэвтээ учир хүмүүс намайг хүн ч гэж тоохгүй байх нь их. амар. бараг л тэр нь дээр. намайг хэвтээ мөртлөө үнэндээ босоогоос илүү босоо гэдгийг олж харах хүмүүс амьдралд минь ганц нэгээр чам шиг орж ирэхийг нь хараад л, ажиглаад л сууж байна. 
а: хэвтээ мөртлөө энэ чинь чиний босоо... магад бас миний босоо. чамайг анх хараад хэвтээ чинь босоо юм уу гэж яагаад асууснаа мартаж. чи дэндүү өөртөө сэтгэл хангалуун, баяр хөөртэй, аз жаргалтай харагдсан учир тэр байх. 
х: чиний хэвтээ миний босоо, эсвэл миний хэвтээ байхыг хэн ч мэдэхгүй. чи л мэднэ. харин миний хэвтээ бол миний цор ганц босоо.

Friday, October 24, 2014

winter break plans

sanfran? amsterdam? berlin? i am fluxing between the possible queer capitals of the world that i am yet to see. let's see how these new options work out. can't wait to find myself in trans-friendly and trans-positive spaces where people will not be as disgusted as they are here about even kissing a transman such as myself. this disgust's doing incredible things to my soul. chilling it, freezing it. aren't i a human, too?! apparently, not according to my crushes or love interests. bleak, bleak, bleak!...

Thursday, October 23, 2014

i don't live there anymore

"do you remember?"

the stale cool air wrapped around the ankles. the silky sheets, two coloured, soft on the skin of my torso and the arms that encircle it. the unknown smells mixing with all too familiar, the forgotten sounds in the depth of the night, the space and time confused... the lingering ghost of your incredible fragrance, a little too heady, a little too shocking to the senses then, now only a mental echo of its original sensual imprint. my cat's gentle purrs imperceptibly shaking the duvet, a low-voiced content, and me, lost in the reverie of that content. the content, the satisfaction, the happiness.

"do you remember?"

far, far, far away i drift. into the past. the past that's also the future because the past of the heart's true movement is surely to stay with me as they have all. nothing disappears. nothing is forgotten. nothing is taken for granted. the gentle caresses of disembodied voices drifting me from one scene to another. take me where you will.

"do you remember?"

nothing is to uproot this feeling of being rooted in nothing. rooted in the air, i grow. rooted in the impermanence, i glow.

"do you remember?"

how could i forget? why would i, should i? how does one forget something that's become a part and parcel of one's entire being, something that's so intrinsically intimate and undeniably my own now? just because i no longer hurt, it doesn't mean that it is forgotten. the pain, the agony is not the sole indicator for life. one day, though, i will no longer remember. what shame! what waste!... but on autumn days like the past few, all i've been thinking is you. it didn't help that i was in the vicinity of the area where you left your mark at the beginning of the year. every time i walked out during the breaks to have a cigarette, i stood gazing into the soft skies and remembering that evening i walked to see you and bring you coffee, remembering, remembering, remembering you. your eyes. your lit-up eyes. your gentle but strong hands hiding your face while smiling that smile only you have. your raven hair, long then. your soul-shredding softest smile. your beautifully flawed speech. your tortured ugliness of the purest soul that knew nothing but pain. 

i remember. how could i not. i just don't live there anymore.

Wednesday, October 22, 2014

ready to move on again

ready to move on again. the last couple of weeks, the sort of unsure simmering of the heart showed me that i am more than ready to move on again onto other territories of the heart and soul. it has gotta be great. it has gotta be good. it has gotta be exceptional. not now, not right now, but it will be, soon, somewhere with someone extraordinarily special. signing off with a big smile and gratitude for the human warmth that i had mistaken for something more.

Tuesday, October 21, 2014

... сонс... сана...

мэдрэх...

хүсэх...

хүрэх...

үнэрлэх...

амтлах...

үгүй болох хэрнээ буйн тарчлаан. байсаар мөртлөө бутрахын гайхамшиг. дахин дахин дахин дахин дахин............ байгаа. байсаар байх энэ мэдрэмж. хэсэг ч бай, хамаагүй. одоодоо амьдардаг хүнээс маргаашийг бүү асуу. бүү шуна. зүгээр л нүдээ аниад гүнийн гүндээ уус.

Sunday, October 19, 2014

Police brutality, affairs of the heart, etc.

So on a Friday night, after not going out properly for a long time, I decided to hang out with mates at Hanzo, a well-deserved evening out, might add. After getting there about half past 10pm, I sat talking with a friend I hadn't seen in a long while, and generally having a great time when, a few hours later, at 1am on 18 October 2014 I was about ready to dance. The I realised there was no music. So I went to the bar to ask what was happening, why the music was shut down and saw two cops on either side of the bar. Since the law allows for the music to be on while not allowing for alcohol to be sold after midnight (fuck the bloody paternalistic attitude of the state that thinks they could and should limit the alcohol sales by the hours of the day, anyway, a multitude of seriously fucked up problems arising out of the dry curfew, like people getting drunk at home, beating their wives and kids, for once, if not worse, just for starters), I asked if the music could be played since I wanted to dance. Admittedly I had used an equivalent of "Why the fuck is music out?". The police dude, a stocky, mid-thirties, short dude then said "Who the fuck are you?",prompting "A customer, a citizen of Mongolia" from me as well as "You guys do your work, but can we put the music back on so we could dance?" He got visibly irritated and promised that he would lock me up for sobering. I thought it was a fun idle threat as I was not unruly or disorderly in any way, and so I walked back to my table where friends were seated, and told them that since I had come out to dance that night, let's go someplace else with music, and got dressed to go. And that's when I was simply lifted from my two arms and carried out into the police car, where I was shoved in. They were carrying out their threat, and I just couldn't believe what was happening, I still had an idea that it was all a big old joke. But no: there I was, a dude who had 3 beers, who had wanted to dance, stated as much and, as a result, ended up in a lock-up at 1am from Friday to Saturday, the only one time I had truly wanted to dance. I was made to take off my shoes in the -5C temperature of the sober-up lock-up as all the windows were wide-open, with all the people in the lock-up shivering to their bones, I was allowed to use the toilet just once in the 14 hours that I was in the cell, I was not given a single drop of water in all that time, and plus around 8am, 7 hours later, I was dragged out of the cell by my dreads by the police officer and tackled and kicked and had my left arm twisted and wrung behind my back because when I received my belongings, the report of why I was there said "Refused to follow the lawful demands of the police officer on duty, obstruction of justice, unruly and disorderly behaviour disturbing public peace". All of that was bullshit, so I refused to sign the paper, circling the unruly and disorderly behaviour as the reason why I refused to sign. That's when I was dragged out and handled brutally in front of all the other people in the lock-up. What scared me further was they paraded me up and down the corridor a number of times, allowing all the drunkards and not-so-drunkards get a good look at me, most of them recognising me from my TV appearances, and who started going "Hey love!", "Hey homo love!", "What the hell? You are not a homo, you were a woman, weren't you?!", meaning that the police's irresponsible policing led to me being exposed in an extremely vulnerable way. What it call came down was that I was brutally handled by the police and lost 14 hours of my life spending it in a freezing cold cell while almost sober and entirely peaceful, being beaten up for refusing to sign their paper that I had never engaged in unruly and disorderly behaviour, by being treated worse than a prisoner as even prisoners get their ration of water and food, probably. What scared me was that the police are so used to treating people as if we're nothing, as if we live in the police state, as if they're all governors, and us, their faithful servants, while it is entirely the other way around. What scared me was that they had time and again said that they would detain me for 72 hours for daring to know my rights, for daring to tell them how things were. What scared me was that they could get away with that. What terrifies me now is that they probably will come after me when I complain about the behaviour of two cops involved, the one who dragged me out of Hanzo, and the one who bodily assaulted me. What it all made me understand, for the first time in my life, is that I couldn't probably continue living in a country where all you are is deemed nothing because of who you are. All the pains of going through the events of my life to finally be here where I should indeed be happy erased by the very people who need to be responsible and ethical enough to not endanger their own citizens. That's been that.

Which brings me to the next point: affairs of the heart. As it is, I am completely over the agony that someone brought into my life. I am now in a happy, serene, present space. While being held for all those hours in the lock-up, all I wanted to do was to curl up in my make-believe boyfriend's arms. Just to let go and cry the frustrated tears, just to feel his warmth. I never managed to tell him that that's what I wanted when he showed up. Instead I sat watching his beautiful eyes, and felt all the physical and emotional pain of the previous 14 hours melt away. To have someone as good as that come into my life in any capacity was a blessing, now I see. Whatever happens, whatever doesn't happen, no matter.

PS: Just an after-thought: would have police dared to do what they did to me had it been in any other club in the city? The answer is, sadly, no.

Wednesday, October 15, 2014

falling further

the funny thing is that whenever i think of someone, i become deeply depressed. whenever i see him, like a few hours ago, i get so fucked up in my head and my heart that i feel sick. but... whenever i think of someone else, he makes me smile. just the idea of him makes me happy. whenever i am with him, like an hour ago, i am full of happy bubbles. i will definitely tell him tonight that he makes me happy, that he is gorgeous in so many unexpected ways...

Monday, October 13, 2014

Did I dream?...

Last Saturday night I heard some chants outside my house. I couldn't believe my ears. There were folks walking around my house and chanting about love. How someone fell in love and loved like never before. Surely it must've been a dream. How could anyone trust their ears after the white-hot delirium of nothingness?...

Friday, October 10, 2014

Исход - нуль - заря

Пялюсь. Пялюсь без чувств, только голод глаз: все и вся остановливается. Скрежет и вой малюсеньких частиц, подмолекулное эхо воя и стонов внутри... Застыл внутри времени уже десять месяцев, замерз и запутался в данных, датах, диалогах и монологах, засел в отголосках будущего которое уже каким-то образом стало прошлым. 

Ненасытность. 

Неизбежность.

Бесконечность.
 
"Отдай меня! Дай, отдай...! Оставь меня! Уйди-уйди-уйди-уйди..." 

Три дня в глубочайших водах, ныряя туда вновь и вновь до умопомрачения... Те самые эмоции, что искалечили меня до неузнаваемости. Три дня... Когда я проснулся, я встал с одним-единственным разумным решением: должен оставить эти эмоции, которые, в итоге, только калечат. Никогда, никому больше не раскрываться, ни за что. Не смогу. Не захочу. 

Диктовка настоящего:

"Ничего, никогда не меняется."

"Ты такой же непроходимый тупица каким был десять, двадцать, тридцать лет тому назад. Когда же научишься?!"

"Зачем пытаешься, для чего? Оставь..."

Thursday, October 9, 2014

when the past comes knocking

especially the past where things were left murky, unexpressed, rotten from the silence of cruel denial. where silence was the only answer to all your communications of love, need and care, you can't afford to open the gates. emotionally you are so blinded, eaten away by howling, never-ending hurt at having been treated like a non-human, like your feelings and emotions and their expressions were nothing, like all you are is a big zero. an empty sound. a nothingness. to be so torn inside your soul that you can't dare to let it get ripped further apart by the same old thing. to be so heartbroken that all you want is to disappear. to be so soul assassinated that all you are is a big dark void. how can anything be alright?!... how can i just let you in back in any shape or form that will eventually still hurt me?... you had nothing new to say that i didn't already know. to hurt someone so badly and never understand that, how can anyone be so callous, so selfish and so blind?.....

Tuesday, October 7, 2014

Advice for soul peace

1. Do not hang onto people who make you feel like you are nothing.
2. Do not give them a second chance, they will blow it the way they blew the first one.
3. Do not trust that people change. Their external may change, not the internal, not the why and the how.
4. Do not linger in the past, the past is cast.
5. Do not let anyone stay in your life who treats you like shit because they will continue treating you the same.
6. Do give a chance to new people to come into your life, you just never know who comes with what soul lesson for you.
7. Do spend time with people who make you curious about the world, even about yourself.
8. Do love unconditionally those who deserve it, including yourself.
9. Do hang onto people who see you.
10. Do be kind to yourself as you are to others.

Monday, October 6, 2014

falling...

falling... fearing the fall, but excited about the heady abandon of naked feelings if i only allow them to flow. breath held, all i am is acutely terrified of the sure pain that accompanied each of my falls last three years, yet inexplicably attracted, from the very first. falling... deeper, deeper into the eyes, the calm, the soul, the knowing innocence, the innocent knowledge, the beauty. falling... fearing the most possible and probable at this time eventuality: getting badly shattered, again. not wanting to jump. not wanting to risk, yet falling... not daring to make myself vulnerable again, but the moments of ease increasingly exchanged by awkwardness. falling...

shouldn't. can't. mustn't. not while my heart's still badly emaciated by the previous torture of nine and a half months.

Thursday, October 2, 2014

autumn blues

as autumn deepens, so does the nostalgia. everything is so possible and impossible at the same time. walking around the city for a few hours with a friend yesterday window-shopping for necessities that need to be bought still, it felt like i was actually in a relationship: the quiet fun of spending time with someone dear who accepts you, who likes you enough to pretend to everyone that he's your boyfriend, who buys you coffee just because, and who likes to hear you talk, whom you like to hear talk, who shares his thoughts and musings, fears and insecurities, joys and moments of amazement. sharing and communicating, the most essential part of any human relationship. as autumn deepens, i am thrown back into the memory of my past romantic relationships that began, always, in autumn. as autumn deepens snowed under the falling leaves buffeted by gusts of wind, i am ever again overtaken by memories. as autumn deepens, as i look at the world around me, all i am is mostly pain.

Tuesday, September 30, 2014

___________хүнэнцэр___________

зайлцын. одоо хангалттай. бүрмөсөн туйлын эцсийн цэг өчигдөр тавигдсан. хүн шиг байх тусам хүн бус авирладаг хүнэнцрүүдээс зайгаа барих л хамгийн зөв сонголт. хэзээ ч дахин харьцахгүй. эцсийн дуслыг өчигдөр барав. хангалттай. хүн бишийг чинь харлаа, мэдэрлээ, олон сар зүдэрлээ. дахин надтай хэзээ ч бүү холбогд. холбогдсон тохиолдолд доромжлолоос өөр хариу өгөхгүй.

Monday, September 29, 2014

potentiality vs reality

just as i am now ridding myself of people who can never be honest. or truthful. or brave. for them nothing is sacred. if nothing is sacred, they are not sacred themselves. even if they are - everyone is sacred in my deep belief, it's just a matter of whether they see it or not - they can never be conscious of that sacredness in them, which leaves them with an unfulfilled potential. a potential is not a reality. that's all. that's all there is to it.

one day, soon

i will bring someone, again, to meet mom, again. she or he will be someone that i admire deeply, love endlessly and desire without reservations, and she will go "ah, finally! very good to meet you. heard so much about you!" for years she wondered about the limitlessness of my heart every time i fell in love as insanely as i do, and brought them to meet her. i never let her down, falling in love with the beauty of people and bringing them to meet her early on in our relationship so she could see for herself the beautiful diversity of womankind that managed to touch my soul and get under my skin. under my skin... till then, till such time i bring someone to meet her again, for a few more years as it's been for the past nearly four years, she will meet no significant other of mine. definitely not while i'm here, it's well understood. no romantic/intellectual/sexual relationship to speak of in the past several years to warrant to meet the beautiful soul that my mother is. no one has been there in my life who was in love with me as i was in love with them, all one-sided diseases of my soul. mother no longer asks when i'm getting coupled. this summer i told her about the last two soul affairs of the last three years, the discovery of my gay emotions with trepidation of rejection for i had felt that rejection on many levels from many people. she never judged. she listened, carefully. she was perplexed. then, again, so was i at the time i fell in love with a guy with all the sexual feelings properly, the first time. i am no longer perplexed, it's just a part of me, now fully accepted, an indelible, integral part of me to stay.

Sunday, September 28, 2014

үнс тэврэх

шатсаар. түлэгдсээр... хагас дутуу уугих. шүүрэх. чад пад...
бор хүрэн саарал...
үнс тэврэх ямар вэ? 

түрүүхэн л шатаж байсан, зөвхөн халуун байсан одоо үлээх төдийд сарнин нисэх, үгүйд шингэхэд бэлэн биегүй үзэгдэл болсон зүйлийг тэврэх?...

Thursday, September 25, 2014

"this is the end, beautiful friend, the end"

just a hint, just a reminder (the fact that i am still there in my mind, if not in my heart, makes all the difference...) and i am so angry. at myself. solely and only at myself. for not having seen the signs, the glaring, the truth. i guess nothing could've prepared me, after all. not all my lifetimes. not all my experiences. still, angry. at myself. when i calm down, i will be a different man, a different... being. the journeys of the heart coming to their natural end. the journeys that start and end. in the unlikeliest of places. the limits of the heart tested, found to be limitless, rejected, left behind, resurrected to only remind self of the pain. no need for that any more. peace and love is all i want. if i can't get love, then at least, peace. control... control to keep it all peaceful. at any cost. no more upheavals. no more flowing. not after nearly three years of non-peace, semi-love, un-acceptance. i have decided to give it all up. give up trying. another year and a half, i know where i will reside, so clear. and even if there is a change in the external circumstances, it will never be enough. unless and until...

Tuesday, September 23, 2014

Тэгш эрх, бахархалын өдрүүд - 2014

Мэдрэл муудаж, багаараа, дэмжигч, сайн дурын ажилтнуудтайгаа солиорцгоосон өдрүүд байв, хөөрхий, бэлтгэл хангах хэсэг. 9-р сарын 19-ний орой "Тэгш эрх, бахархалын өдрүүд" маань эхэлсэн тул одоо төлөвлөгөөт ажлуудаа тайвуу айвуу дуусгаад дараа дараагийн ажлуудаа хэрэгжүүлэх цаг тулаад ирчихэж. Дараагийн ажлууд гэсэн хоёр ч том судалгааны төсөл, нэг судалгааны бус төсөл боловсруулах, нэг төслийн хэрэгжүүлэлтрүү орох, өөр нэг төслөө хэрэгжүүлж дуусгах гээд. Хэчнээн хөтөлбөрийн менежерүүдийн үүрэг ч бас сайн чиглүүлнэ гэдэг хааяа хамтдаа бүх зүйлсээ хийхийг хэлдэг, ялангуяа ажилтнууд маань ийм төрлийн зүйл гардаж хийж үзээгүй тохиолдолд. 

Хамгийн чухал нь бодоод байсан чинь яалт ч үгүй л хагалгаа... Хагалгааны мөнгөөрөө Сан-Франциско 12 сард орж 2 долоо хоног амрах билетээ захисан ч одоогийн байдлаар явах үгүй тодорхойгүй учир нь тэгш эрх, бахархалын өдрүүдийн зардалд хангалттай хөрөнгө босгож чадаагүй тул хагалгаа эсвэл өвөл далай дээр амрах амралтандаа зориулж хадгалж байсан хувийнхаа хадгаламжруу орохоос өөр аргагүй болсон. За тэгээд тархи эрүүл, ажлаа хийх чадвартай байхад болох л байлгүй. Сан-Франциско орж өөртөө итгэлтэй байдлаа эргүүлж олох ч лөөлөө ч болж магад, энэ байдлаараа. Ямартаа ч "Тэгш эрх, бахархалын өдрүүд" үргэлжилсээр, үнэхээр саак болж байгаа. ЛГБТ хүмүүсийг ойлгодоггүй хүмүүс байдаг ч бачим орилооноороо л дэмжигсдээс ялгаатай гэж харсан хххэхэ. ЛГБТ эрхийг дэмжигсэд бол ганц хоёр жинтэй юм хэлчээд сууж байх жишээтэй. 

Бахархалын парти дээр цэнхэр урсгал харцтай залуутай танилцав. Ядаж байхад ямар ч ялдам инээмсэглэдэг юм. Гадаа баахан ярьж байгаад орж ирээд, явахынхаа алдад над дээр ирээд "Бодож байгаагаас чинь илүү чамайг танина" гэдэг юм. За ямар ч байсан дахиад тааралдах л байлгүй. Тэр харц, тэр үг бол над шиг эрхтэн дутуу, хөгжлийн бэрхшээлтэй мэт хүнийг бүрэн хүлээн зөвшөөрдөг харц, үг байсан. Тийм гей залуучууд Монголд үзээд өгье гэсэн ч ганц нэгээс ер хэтрэхгүй. Баруунд бол арай л өөр л дөө. 

Sunday, September 14, 2014

farther from time

i broke you, but you are whole, still. i cut you, but you are whole, unharmed. i left you, but you're still here, going nowhere. i am so far. far. far. yet near. but farther, always farther from time because time is just something in our heads, manifesting at stoppages. "WE", stopped. you ground me into minuscule pieces, all of me disintegrating into nothing till there was just one point of existence left - you.

gone. going. gone. going. gone...but  not quite. immobile. stone-like.

unmoved. 

flow.

now is eternity. eternity is now.

choices, intellectualisation, bareness of feelings. gone, done. inability to leave. to hang. to hope after nothing.

i should've left you when i could. which was never. 

Thursday, September 11, 2014

Underneath the marrow

Underneath, there is pain, always. Underneath, there is an incessant silent howl of thousands cries. Underneath, there is a bottomless yearning that hits below the belt, no breath is left. Underneath, there is a sinking stomach full of eaten words, unexpressed, rotting, putrid, a frozen nausea of endless tears, tearing, tearing... Underneath, a ravine of never-melting icicles that stab. Underneath, a sickly death of gently patterned webs, bleached into nothingness.

Wednesday, September 10, 2014

SCREAMING UNHEARD

So the team's been working, working hard on getting the Equality and Pride Days off its concept and into realisation. Seeking corporate sponsorship ended in a full fiasco as none of the biggest companies and corporations in Mongolia came about and supported the fact that we, LGBT folk, also constitute their consumers, their very specific subset of consumers. Even the foreign companies never responded, even the ones that have sophisticated corporate social responsibility programs (honestly, not many of those are around as the corporate social responsibility appears to only be a thing of distributing presents to children on Mother and Child Day, mostly). What compounds it all is that after a month of negotiations with various cultural spaces, we were denied access to them, whether private or public (meaning the spaces that run on our, taxpayers' monies). And it opened a huge can of worms for me: till what day and age are we supposed to be happy with the scraps we are given as a community with very specific needs and realities?! How come, after many meetings with over thirty five companies with multi billion turnover a month, we have to end up begging friends and families for the funds that are still lacking?! How come, after all my life as a tax-paying adult, I am now scratching my head and howling at the inaccessibility of public spaces that we so readily should be able to utilise to spread the human rights message of equal rights and dignity of everyone regardless of sexual orientation and gender identity?! How come, even after meeting with the like-minded, critically-oriented 'outsiders' to the common disease of the humanity, we are at the point of possibly having to call off the whole thing because none of the public or private cultural institutions are ready to spread the message of equality?! I can't begin to express all that's boiling inside... All I want to say is "Shame on you!" to all the people who had promised the spaces and went back on their honour. All I want to say is "We will keep fighting till we are heard and seen just as we are, beautiful in our diverse humanity." 

Coming home tonight I, for the Nth time since my appointment with the Centre in February this year, thought of my ex-wife who was my right hand, left brain and the mastermind of everything good and wicked, too. If I were coming home to someone I loved, all this would've been a piffle. We would sit, strategise and come up with even greater ideas of getting the world see and hear us. Coming through the door tonight, I called out to my new cat, Lucy the annoyingly talkative pussycat who deigns to answer only when she feels like it, unlike Sissi who would simply be rolling on the floor purring with the pleasure of having me back home to rub his fat tummy... Ah, the lonesome times! Ah, the great year of troublesome, messy heart affair! Ah, the joys and tribulations!... Not ready to give up, oh, no. Tomorrow is another day. And another. And another. You can knock me around, but you can't ever knock me down, at least, not for long.

Sunday, September 7, 2014

Heavyweight

For the Nth time in my life I'd gone down on my knees to only be kicked in the face. And what of it?! Just makes me more determined than ever. I have mooned away most of this year, living in the past, living in the afterglow, but enough. The reality is hitting hard. Hitting harder than ever before. Hitting so hard and driving the point home that I had left some things hanging, things that should've never been left hanging. No matter how insanely I fall in love, it ain't no excuse for not pulling my weight. The heavyweight didn't pull his traditional 150% this year. So much wasted time, energy, all for the feelings that left me gutted, vaporised and near dead at the end. No more being gutted. No more being seen as nothing. I am manning up! Say hello to the dude who is in control of his life, for good.

Wednesday, September 3, 2014

grant me patience, resilience, and will power

grant me patience, grant me peace, grant me will power to keep walking upright. grant me resilience, grant me strength, grant me calm, grant me, oh grant me all that i am lacking, grant me acceptance, grant me mercy, grant me oblivion. may tomorrow bring all that i am lacking. may my heart rest in peace.

Sunday, August 31, 2014

recollections, recollections

a year ago i told my friends that by july this year i would already be in the most fulfilling relationship of my life with a true artist, someone who created beauty in truth of feelings, a friend reminded two days ago. except that i am not. except that i thought i found that soul to love and be loved, but nothing was as it seemed. i thought a composer, most probably, or a writer. a year later i am questioning: "how did i know?", "do we know?" what do i know now, now that i am looking forward, now that i am standing upright, i wonder. recollections leading to efforts of recollections of things to take place in the future that has already happened, somewhere, somehow. we must see, feel bits and pieces of those... 

Thursday, August 28, 2014

goodbyes

just as i was saying goodbye to a friend tonight - till such time when i would see her again - i realised that she was saying hello to me, perhaps, for the first, real first time. how many goodbyes are hellos? how many hellos are goodbyes?... once you make a soul connection, they never go away. once you recognise, you can never forget. let's go, let's go. let me go...

Sunday, August 24, 2014

Theory number 34

the more one obsesses with impermanence, the more one is obsessed with sex: the sex one has, the sex one doesn't have. wierd!

TRANSPHOBIA/ТРАНСФОБИЯ

ЧИНИЙ ЮУ МЭДРЭЭД, ЮУГ ХҮСЭЭД, ЮУ БОЛОХ ЁСТОЙ БАЙСАНДАА МАЦАЖ ХҮРЭХ ГЭЖ ОРОЛДОЖ БАЙГААГ ОГТ МЭДДЭГГҮЙ ХҮМҮҮС ЧАМАЙГ "ЧИ ЭМ", "ЧИ ЮУ Ч БИШ", "ЧИ ХҮН БИШ" ГЭЖ БОДНО, ЗАРИМ НЬ ИЛЭРХИЙЛНЭ. ДОРОМЖЛОХ Л ХҮСЭЛТЭЙГЭЭР. ХАМГИЙН ХАЙРТАЙ ЛГБ ХҮМҮҮСИЙНХЭЭ ӨМНӨ ӨДӨР БҮР БҮХ ӨӨРЧЛӨЛТҮҮД МААНЬ ОЙЛГОГДООСОЙ, НАМАЙГ, НАД ШИГ ТРАНС ХҮМҮҮСИЙГ БАС ОЙЛГООСОЙ ГЭСЭНДЭЭ НҮДЭН ДЭЭР НЬ ӨДӨР БҮР БАЙВАЛ ОЙЛГОНО ДОО ГЭСНЭЭР ӨДИЙГ ХҮРСЭН Ч ХАМГИЙН ИХ НАМАЙГ ХАРСАН ХҮМҮҮС НЬ, ХАМГИЙН ИХ ХАЙРЛАДАГ ХҮМҮҮС НЬ ХАМГИЙН ИХ ДОРОМЖИЛЖ, ҮГҮЙСГЭХ. МИНИЙ АРЬСАНД АМЬДАРЧ ҮЗЧЭЭД ИНГЭЭСЭЙ. ГЭХДЭЭ МЭДЭЭЖ ҮГҮЙ. ЗҮГЭЭР Л БҮХ ЗҮЙЛ УНТРАХ ЭНЭ МЭДРЭМЖ ШИЛЖИЛТЭЭ ЭХЭЛСНЭЭС ХОЙШ ЯМАР ОЛОН ДАВТАГДВАА... БАС СААК. СӨРГИЙН ДЭЭД СӨРӨГ СААК. ХАЙРТАЙ БОЛСОН Ч СҮНСИЙГ ҮЛ МЭДРЭН "ЧИ ЭМ" ГЭНЭ. МИНИЙ ХЭН БА ЮУГ ХЭЗЭЭ Ч НАД ШИГ МЭДРЭЭГҮЙ БАЙЖ СОЛИОР. "ЧИ ДУТУУ" ГЭНЭ. ДУТУУГАА МЭДНЭ, ӨДӨР БҮР МЭДЭРДЭГ. ГЭХДЭЭ БҮРЭН ЮМ ШИГ БИЕТЭЙ ХҮМҮҮСЭЭС ИЛҮҮ БҮРЭН ГЭДГЭЭ МЭДНЭ. ШАА ШАА, ХУТГАЛ. БАЛИУСД. ЦАВЧ. ГЭЛЭЭ Ч БИ ХЭН БЭ ГЭДГЭЭРЭЭ Л БАЙНА. ТЭР ХЭН БЭ НЬ ХӨӨРХИЙ БУРУУ БИЕД ТӨРСӨН ЭРЭМДЭГ ЭР ХҮН... ӨӨРСДИЙГӨӨ ИНГЭЖ БАЙЖ БҮХЭЛ БҮТЭН НИЙГЭМД, ЕРТӨНЦӨД ӨӨРИЙНХӨӨРӨӨ АМЬДАРНА ГЭЖ ҮГҮЙ ШҮҮ, ХҮҮХДҮҮД МИНЬ. ШИЛЖИЛТИЙНХЭЭ ДАРАА ХЭДЭН УДАА ИНГЭЖ ДОРОМЖЛУУЛСНАА САНАХАА БОЛЬЖ. ГЭХДЭЭ ХАНГАЛТТАЙ. ӨДӨР ТУТАМ Ч УУ, ХАЙР ДУРЛАЛ ДЭЭР Ч ҮҮ, ХАНГАЛТТАЙ. ЯДАРЧ БАЙНА. ҮНЭХЭЭР. ХҮНИЙГ ХҮНЭЭР НЬ, ӨӨРИЙГӨӨ МЭДЭРЧ БАЙГАААГААР НЬ ХҮЛЭЭЖ АВ. ҮГҮЙ БОЛ ЗАЙЛ. ҮГҮЙ БОЛ ЗАЙЛНА. УГААСАА БҮХ ЗҮЙЛ ТӨГСӨРЧ БАЙГАА.

Saturday, August 23, 2014

бэлтгэл

бэлэн болох гэж сайхан ойлголт юм аа даа. бэлтгэсэн зүйлдээ бэлэн болох. бэлэн болгохын тулд бүх хүчээ дайчлаад бэлтгэх. бэлэн гэдгээ мэдээ ч үгүй байхад бэлэн байсан учир бэлэн болох. бараг л бэлэн. хагас бэлэн. бүрэн бэлэн гээд л. буйг сонгож байж л нөгөөг мэдрэх. үгүйг сонгож байж л нөгөөг мэдрэх. сонголт. сонголтууд. үгүй гэдэг нь өөрөө төгс хоосон бас биш. буй гэдэг нь өөрөө бүрэн дүүрэн биш.

өмнөх насандаа би хэн байсан бэ гэдэг асуулт (баараг л бичиг үсэг тайлагдаагүй ч хүүхдийн төлөө бүх цагаа зарцуулдаг байсан хүн байсан юм гэнэ билээ, өөрийнхөө ч биш, олон мянган хүүхдийн төлөө). энэ насандаа хэн байгаа вэ гэх асуулт (угаасаа ойлгомжтой). өмнөх бүх нас юунд хөтлөн авчирсан гэсэн чинь "энд", "одоо"-д хүргэсэн. "энд", "одоо" нь утга бүрэн төгөлдөр бас эцсийн дүндээ утгагүй. дурлам ч, алга болоход нь санаа алдан "ёооох, за болоо доо" гэх амсхийл, амралт. амсхийлтээс гарахыг үл хүсэх...

өөр дээрээ хийж буй ажиглалтуудын нэг: хэн ба юу нь хамаагүй, хүмүүсийн хоорондох ямарваа ялгаа гэдэг зүйлийг олж харахгүй болж байгаа. гэхдээ мэдээж нөгөө л нөхцөлт сайн, муу, буруу, зөв гэх мөнхийн үнэт зүйлс нь хүчтэй хэвээр...  хүчтэй хэвээр ч бас л нөхцөлт. нөхцөл бүрээс юу ойлгох нь чухал учир.

хүмүүс. хүн. би өөрөө. хэнийг ч шүүгээд хэрэггүй. өөртөө үйлийн үр хураахын нэмэр ч өөрийгөө шүүх. шүүж дуусаад уучлах. өөрийн ухааныг бүрэн алдсан юм шиг хэрнээ зөвхөн хайр түгээх хүмүүс байх юм билээ. өөрийн гэсэн ухаантай юм шиг хэрнээ зөвхөн үзэн ядалт, айдас, хязгаарлалтад баригдсан хүмүүс бас байх. гэтэл үнэндээ тэр хүмүүс яг л ижил мөн чанартай байх. 

бэлтгэл хангагдсаар.

Wednesday, August 20, 2014

уучлах

уучламгүй зүйлсийг ч уучилчихдаг, болоогүй мэт өнгөрөөчихдөг тэр л гэм биш зан. гэхдээ болоод өнгөрснийг нь мэдээд байдаг учир, уучламгүй зүйлсээс болж сэтгэл сэмэрч, бие хоосорч, зүрх үгүйрснийг нь сүнсээрээ санаад байдаг учир хэзээ ч тэр шаналалын орон зайруу эргэж очихгүйгээр өөрийгөө татчихдаг балиар зан. уучилсан, миний асуудал биш байсан учир уучлахаас өөр аргагүй. миний асуудал бол болсон зүйл давтагдах магадлал өндөр учир хэзээ ч тэр байдлыг эргэж амьдралдаа үүсгэхгүйн тулд шаналгасан, сөхрүүлсэн нөхцөл байдлаас мөлхөж гарснаа санах. зөвхөн тэрийг л санах. түүнд хүргэсэн үйлдэл, үг бүрийг уучлах ч өөрийн шаналалаа л санах. түүгээр сэтгэлээ туших... уучлах амархан. өнгөрсөн зүйл өнгөрсөндөө мөнхрөг. надад "энд", "одоо" байна. өөр юу ч чухал биш.

Monday, August 18, 2014

урлагийн манифесто маягийн хоёр гурван бодрол

жинхэнэ урлаг гэж юу юм бэ? яагаад зарим бүтээл жинхэнэ урлагийн бүтээл гэж уран бүтээлчийн амьд ахуйд үнэлэгдэн барин олны таашаалыг хүртдэг байснаа нас барав уу, үгүй юу хэсэг хугацааны дараа ор мөргүй арчигддаг тухай бодож хэвтлээ. ухаан орсон цагаасаа дэлхийн алдартай галлерейнуудын номуудыг даахгүй хэрнээ бараг өдөр болгон үзэж суудаг байсан, бусад үгэн номуудыг гарынхаа алгаар дүүргэдэг байсан хүний хувьд урлаг, тэр дундаа дүрслэх урлагаар амьсгалаад мөн их удаж. олон жил энд тэнд тэнэхдээ уран зураг, баримал сонирхон явахдаа үнэндээ л сонирхогчийн түвшинээс хэзээ ч хэтрээгүйгээ мэддэг ч өөрийн гэсэн ойлголттой болчихсон. тэр ойлголт нь маш энгийн. радикал манифесто гэж том үгээр хэлээд ч яахав гэхдээ бараг л: жинхэнэ уран бүтээлч байхын тулд, жинхэнэ урлагийн бүтээлийг туурвихын тулд хүн заавал гүн ухаантан байх ёстой. янхандах ёсгүй. авъяас байлаа гээд тэрийгээ янхандаад өнгөрвөл мөн харамсалтайяа. хөгжмийн хувьд мэдээж ямар урсгалаар юу бүтээж байгаагаас их зүйл шалтгаална. ая зохиогч бол хөгжмийн зохиолч биш. нэг экс маань ая зохиогч байлаа. үхтлээ түүнд хайртай, бүтээлийнх нь үйл явцыг нүдээрээ харж, чихээрээ сонсдог ч нэг л ядмаг. популист яшка зүйл л гараас нь гарах түүний хөгжмийг би огт ойшоохгүй байсаар салсандаг. нэг багш нь гэхдээ үнэхээр гоц. миний солиотой, солгой, гажуу шүлгүүд дээр ажиллаж, дуу биш байлаа гэхэд нэг юм хийе гээд тооход нь би ухаан жолоогүй "үгүй үгүй үгүй" гэсээр зугтаж билээ хахахах. тэр экс бид хоёр салснаас хойш олон жилийн дараа гүн гүнзгий бодож, сэтгэж, мэдэрч туурвидаг болсонд нь маш их баярласан. тэр бол одоо нэр нь дуурсагдах, үхэхэд нь үлдэх хөгжмийн зохиолч болсон байлээ. ний нуугүй хэлэхэд шууд маш олон хүмүүст хүрдэг урлагийн "доод" (гэвч үнэн хэрэгтээ дээдийн дээд) хэлбэр болох хөгжим дээр янхандалт явагдаад л байдаг, харж л байдаг. ая зохиогч гэж хэлэхээсээ ч ичиж үхмээр дамшигууд монголоор дүүрэн. за монгол байтугай л дүүрэн. харин дүрслэх урлаг буюу нөгөө л уран зураг, уран баримал, инстоляц гэдэг уул нь маш өөр. хэзээ ч олны хүртээл болдоггүй зүйл. олонд хүртээхийн тулд байдаг ч урлагууд биш. видео урлаг бас л өөр. маш олны хүртээл ч болдог, гүн гүнзгий утга, ухаан ч байж болдог. за тэгээд янхандмааргүй байна, хүмүүс ээ. урлагийн янханууд бүх зүйлийг зоосны нүх болгож, эсвэл магад нэр алдар хөөцөлдсөөр өөрийн мөн чанарыг бүрэн илэрхийлэхээс айж, бусдад таалагдах төдий л өөрсдийн цуурайг буулгаастай. урлагийн янханууд бага байх болтугай. гүн ухаантнууд их байх болтугай!

Sunday, August 17, 2014

lazy weekend, dreams, travels

all i did in the past two days was to sleep, mostly, and watch some of the series i had not had the time to watch. got out for a dinner last night to welcome joe back home, mongolian food, of course, followed by two beers at hanzo afterwards, my extent of venturing out during the weekend. thrilled to have him back here where he considers his second home. to me: another rare soul who gets me, who offers good counsel, who has an empathetic, sensitive and honest soul. 

as i fell asleep last night with a movie still playing in the background, i woke briefly to switch the comp off, and in that half-dazed state i remembered the swankiest dream i had just had before i woke up. i was somehow being hunted, and no matter how much i hid, i was found, and i was shot in my head. i was still looking at the shooter, not falling, not blinking, so he shot me again this time down my throat. this time i decided to play dead as who wants to be shot at again and again, hey. i stilled my heart and lay motionless. i felt no pain. i just didn't want to be shot at again. when they moved away, i touched my head. it was bleeding, not profusely, just barely. i knew the second bullet was lodged in my throat, because somehow it didn't penetrate the soft tissue of my throat further than the esophagus. when i hawked the bullet out, it was squashed with the propelled force. squashed golden bullet that was surely meant to reach my heart. it never travelled beyond where i allowed it.

what all travels we undertake in our dreams. in the summer of 2002 i had so many lucid dreams, and in one of those i was shot at, too: the first time i was shot in my dream, i was terrified of what those two guys were about to do - to blow my brains out - for pointing out that there was an order of things, justice to be upheld. how they turned to me with murder in their eyes, pulling their gun out and me begging them not to kill me, that i was only saying the truth. this time, i remember that i was not scared at all as if i am impermeable to bullets. no, not that. as if i was not fearful of death. the only thing i didn't like was the fact of their violence that i witnessed, again and again, that i didn't want to be subjected to repeatedly. i guess i did succeed in killing something in me this summer. the encounter of four weeks ago had also driven the point home that i am to leave it all. that i am to feel nothing any longer. that the games were played, that there was a winner in that game of one. all of that also reminded me that i was never a part of anything at all, it was their world altogether. all i provided, perhaps, was a scarily abstract map of sorts, an emotional map, a background noise, a flap of thousand wings. however contradictory, however secluded in my world, at any given point of time, i almost seem to know where i am. not spatially, everyone knows that more or less, but soul-wise. my autowriting spurred by invisible currents of emotional imperatives has proved many times that there are things i know of the beginnings, the ends. of the hows, the whys, sometimes. never yet of whens. when i know the whens, ... it will be a different realm. soon. soon enough. a year, or two. travels continue.

Thursday, August 14, 2014

los angeles and sanfran plans, fingers crossed

would i sacrifice my health in the long term (well, actually just, just postponing my vital surgeries till such time i would have sufficient money again) to feel like a human being? like a man whose body doesn't inspire body horror? and the answer - increasingly, obviously - became 'yes' in the past few months. had i had the money, i was going to go to sanfran in april, but my plans came to naught as i had neither money, nor the time anymore due to my appointment with the centre, and in the past few months, nor even an inkling of desire (desire being equal to life, more or less), everything distilling in a deep, deep depression. i am so going to sanfran for a week, perhaps more, and maybe a few days to los angeles this winter, just watch me. both of these cities i had visited, but never beyond their airports. wherever i go, i usually end up making contacts with the queer community organisations, plans of cooperation, so why not this time either. as soon as october rolls in, i will begin making contacts and planning my hopefully very fruitful stay in sanfran! i am owed a vacation, anyhow, a sensory vacation. maybe, even sensual, godknows. perhaps, even inspiration, again!... as i reconnected with a staunch supporter of sexuality minority after four years of not seeing her, i was reminded by her, in a very professional capacity, that i needed my sexual confidence back. that i would have it as long as i am able to meet and spend time with people who can and will see me for who i am and not worry about what i have in my pants.

Wednesday, August 13, 2014

шинээр сүндэрлэх байшин,
чимээ шуугиан, машин тэрэг,
цонхыг нь амжиж хийгээгүй зайд зогсох тэр...

зайгүй хөлхөх утгатай, бас утгагүй.

амьсгалахдаа хүнд гай болоогүй шигээ
үхэхдээ ч хүнд гай болохгүй юм шүү.
2014/08/13


хүмүүн ба үхэл

харанхуйд, бүгчимд хүн сууна. өвдгөө дэрлэсэн тэр чармай нүцгэн. агааргүй, хавчиг орон зай халуун ч газар удаан суусан түүний бөгсөн бие мэдээгүй, бас хүйтэн. хэр удаан сууснаа тэр үл санана. ой санамжаа бүрэн алдсан тэр харанхуйгаас айх хэрнээ босоод гэрлээ асаахыг, түүний сэтгэлийн хоосны цуурайг сарниах авиаг хүсэх ч цонхоо нээж эс чадна. түүний дотор ноёлсоор буй хоосны цуурай бол дэлбэрэлтийн дараах нам гүм. нүдээ хааяа анин юунд ч юм бэ шаналах шаналал нь мөөрөлт, гиншилтээр амнаас нь унана. өөрөө ч цочно. юунд шаналан суунав? ой санамжаа алдсан тэр шаналалаа л мэднэ. бас мэдэрнэ. хар, бараан, саарал сүүдрүүд хааяа тунан, хааяа шигүүрч, хажуугаар нь хэлхэлдэхийг шар үсээрээ мэдрэнэ. сүүдрүүд. сүүдрүүд байсан, байсаар л байна, байх ч болно. бүгчим харанхуйд чичрэн суух тэр нүдээ анихад л хангалттай. дотор нь зөвхөн саарал хоосон.

хайран...хайрлам... тэмтчээд намайг л олдог чи надаас хэр удаан зугтах билээ. ганцхан намайг л чи эрсээр. харин би чамайг л ээрсээр. хэдэн ч жил чамд хань болов. чи намайг хардаггүй. нүдний чинь ёроолд мөнх шигдсэн гуниг -- миний амьсгал. 
 
орилсоор хоолойгоо алдсан тэр суухаас өөр юу ч хийж чадахгүй. суух нь түүний оршихуй болсон. төөрөлддөг хонгилоор гэрээ хийчээд тэндээ ийн суух. хүний нийгэм түүний амьдралын захыг нэвтлэн, ус мэт түүний үйлдэлд нэвчих ч, тэр чухал биш. юу ч чухал биш. юу чухал байсан юм бэ? мэдэхгүй. зөвхөн мэдрэмж л. мэдрэмж... харанхуйд гэрлийг, бүгчимд салхийг, хоосонд дүүрнийг, хөдөлгөөнгүйд урсгалыг мөрөөдөн, бас сэтгэлдээ байхгүйг ургуулан мэдрэн суух тэр аль хэдийн хатингаршсан. түүний үггүй шаналал сэтгэлийнх нь хоосноос урган хоосон ч хар дарам үзэгдлүүд болж бодлуудыг нь, биеийг нь эзэмдэнэ. айдас. жихүүдэс. үнэнийг ийм олон жил хөөсөөр "үнэн" гэдгийг олсон ч тэр нь ийм өрөвдөм, өчүүхэн байсантай үл эвлэрэн суух тэр өнөөдөр, маргааш, өнгөрсөн, ирээдүйгүй. тэр зөвхөн одоо. цаг хугацааны мөн чанарыг тэр нээсэн. цаг хугацааны урсгал зөвхөн дотор нь хөвөрдгийг тэр мэднэ. гадна бүх зүйл хоосон.

надаас бүү ай. бүү ай. бүү ай. бүү ай. бүү ай. чи минийх, би чинийх.  алхам тутамд чинь зөвхөн би хажууд чинь байсан, чи мэднэ. бүү ай. харанхуйруу ширтээд өөрийн гэсэн бүх тодорхойлолтоо алдах хүртэл сүүдэрт уусахад чинь би тэр сүүдэр байсан. бүү ай. дахин дахин дахин чи миний нүдрүү ширтсэн ч олж хараагүй. ганц амрагаа чи одоо ч олж хараагүй. өөрийгөө хууран, утгыг үүсгэн ядан тэмчтих болгондоо үзүүрээс нь барих тэр хуурай, зөөлөн тайтгарал чинь би байсан. бүү ай.

харанхуй шингэрсээр. тэр дахин амьсгалав. ёстой учир. сэтгэлээр үхсэн нэгэнд ирээдүй үгүй. юу ч үгүй. шаналал л үнэн. хоосны шаналал. эцэсгүйн цөхрөл. өнө мөнх давтагдах өглөө орой шиг хүний төрөл хэзээ дуусах бол...

Tuesday, August 12, 2014

karma files, not mine

twenty four hours of celebration. obsession. for the Nth time. over my boy with flowers in his hair. who has left my life. a long, long, long, but truly short time ago. five months of soul-crawling petrification, distance, blood. getting real, coming to terms, accepting the situation has taken this long, but i can't not but quip today, on your birthday, despite everything, despite every single little thing that brought me here, now: "thank you for you. thank god. thank you for being born when you were born. thank god. thank you for being born from who you were born from. thank god, thank you, your mother, your father. thank you for having become the giant that you are now, a collector of souls. thank you for having been in my life. thank you for being there, not being there when i needed you most. thank you for having entered my life before physically looming in. thank you for leaving it as you did, the callous, the mute, the blind." as i had been celebrating you most every minute during the past twenty four hours, missing you, caressing you from a thousand miles away, i wish nothing but for you to be happy. to know that you are loved. deeply, wholly, despite everything. that you always had a home with me, but no more. that you will always have a home, somewhere with someone who will see you as i saw you, but who will offer you what you thought i couldn't offer you. you are good. despite your soul-shrinking ugliness, you are beautiful, good deep, deep, deep down. thank god for you... when you see your pains for what they were leading you towards, the only thing you will say is "hallelujah!" may that day come to you. may you bless this day as much as i bless my day of coming to suffer on this earth. to suffer and to know. may you finally see. may you finally accept. may you be your truest self.

Monday, August 4, 2014

tears and fears

even after making sure there are no points of convergence. even after taking the extreme measures of severance on all levels, on all sides, in all forms. even after crawling is replaced with a more or less upright, if still bent, trudging. even after everything i've done to protect my shredded soul. even after i had to give up all my hopes. even after all this journey took me to the  highest of the highs and the lowest of the lows. even after everything is over...

Thursday, July 31, 2014

брррррррр

"зайлцын, зайл, зайлуул" гэсэн бодол, мэдрэмж бүр яагаад ч салахгүй хэд хонов. хэчнээн барив. хэчнээн дарах гэж хичээв. хэчнээн өөртөө болон тэрэнд үхтлээ гутав. би сайн хүн гэж өөрийгөө боддог. гэхдээ цагаа тулвал өөрийн гэсэн үнэт зүйлсээ хамгаалахын тулд араатан ч болох чадвартай. эцэс төгсгөлгүй доромжлолыг чимээгүй хүлцдэг хүн нь би биш. тэгээд л тэр. өөрийгөө ч гутааж дууссан байх. гэхдээ зүгээр ээ. би эцсийнхээ алхамуудыг гүйцээж төөрдөг байшингийнхаа голд хэдэн хоногийн өмнө хүрсэн. одоо харин алах, алуулах сонголттой суух.

Wednesday, July 30, 2014

шөнө дунд дахиад л сэрэв

сэжгийн, бузар, үхвэл таарах эрчүүд бас их байх юмаа. дур хүслийн эсвэл өвдөлтийн орилооныг ялгадаггүй юм байхдаа?! яаж боов нь боссон хэвээр байдаг байнаa, тэгж их орилж, уйлж байхад?! шөнө дунд "аллаа!" гэж орилох эмэгтэйн дуунаар хэд хэдэн ч удаа энэ хоёр сард сэрэв. бас янаг дуунаар ч олон удаа сэрэв. өчигдөр хоёр залуу "би янхан олоод ирж байхад чи бичиг баримтаа тавьчих нь яадаг юм?" гээд бүр зодолдох нь ээ, энэ буудлын гадаа, хэчнээн санаа зовмоор. янхан авна гэдэг чинь нэг ч их бахархаад байх зүйл биш л баймаарсан. үнэхээр хэн ч тоохгүй, ганц бие, дээр нь бүр хөгширч өвгөрсөн хүн бол бас одоо яая гэхэв, янхан авах л байх. за тэр яахав. сайхнаар бус орилж буй эмэгтэйчүүдийн асуудал: эрчүүд эсвэл хүсэхгүй байгаа эмэгтэйг хүчиндэж байгаа, эсвэл тэр эмэгтэй секс хүссэн ч түүний хүсэхгүй байгаа зүйлийг хийж өвтгөсөн байгаа, шулуун гэдсээр нь хүчиндсэн ч юм уу. биеэ үнэлдэг бол нэгэнт өөрсдөө сонгосон тул яалт ч үгүй янз бүрийн бэлгийн хүсэлтэй, шивэр шивтэр, хир буртагтаа баригдсанж уу, үгүй юу, согтуу юу, солиотой юу нь хамаагүй эрчүүдийн бэлгийн дур хүслийг хангах л ёстой болно. нэгэнт л биеэ үнэлэх замыг сонгосон бол янз бүрийн хүмүүстэй үйлдэх янз бүрийн бэлгийн үйлдэлдээ дасаад чимээгүйхэн үйлдвэл таарна. харин үгүй бол дэндүү том асуудал. за юутай ч намжив. ээ бүү үзэгд гэснээс нээрээ л шулуун гэдсээр хавьтах их өвддөг байх даа. төсөөлөхөд ч бэрх санагдах ч тэнд нь шаах бол бас дажгүй гэсэн мэдрэмжтэй болсон. энэ буудлын хүмүүс ийм юм сонссоор дөжирсөн байдаг шиг би ч удахгүй дөжрөх нь дээ, хөөрхийс.

Tuesday, July 29, 2014

DISGUST - 2

he wakes from his dreams of seesawing shadows and luminous lights. the echoes of his dreams linger in his movements as he gets up from the floor and falls on his bed two steps away from the spot he lay on. he closes his eyes to immerse himself in the dark, sumptuous green, grey and blue... his days are no longer distinguished from his nights: they are shadows of time that seems to have stopped. he no longer cares about its passage. he is now time, firm yet flowing. soft pellets of water come down in a gentle murmur outside, another summer rain. he hears the sounds, smells the earth as it opens up and soaks the moisture in, releasing the odours of life. life... where is his life? how long has he been staying in this hotel room? a savage that he is, he knows only the torn, broken pieces of things inside and out. he could pass for the sanest man if he were to walk out now, but his eyes are deepest wells of thundering pain disguised as tiny flickers of smile. he is an actor par excellance. enough... he walks out, staggering. the dilapidated building he emerges from is dark, old, and full of echoes of dreams the inhabitants are enveloped in. he stares up the skies that are mimicking his endless sorrow. he no longer remembers why. he no longer remembers how. he no longer hopes. wading through the puddles, the rain streaming down his face, he walks the block, coming to face another building that was his home awhile back. he looks up. he waits for the memories to kick in, for the gut-wrenching feeling to begin tearing at his insides. instead, nothing comes. just disgust. he heaves drily, and vomits a trickle of foul bile. his eyes sting and tear at the effort. with the rain coming down harder, he walks on, finally free, finally cleansed, finally at peace.

Monday, July 28, 2014

эвдэрхий, эмтэрсэн зүйлс

эвдэрсэн, эмтэрсэн, хагарсан, хугарсан зүйлсийн сайхныг олж харна гэдэг тэр бүтэн бус зүйлийг байгаагаар нь олж харж буй, бүтэн бус ч бүрэн бус сайхныг нь олж харж буй хэрэг үү? эсвэл эвдэрхий, эмтэрхий, хагархай, хугархай байх тусам надад гоо үзэсгэлэнтэй харагддаг юм болов уу? ийм бяцарсан зүйлс хэзээ нэгэн цагт бүтэн байсан, тэр бүтнийх нь цуурайнууд түүнийг сайхан харагдуулдаг юм болов уу? үнэндээ бүтэн зүйл гэж нэг ч алга. байх ёсгүй ч юм болов уу. хагарах, хугарах тусам жинхэнэ болдог ч юм билүү. хүн амьдралдаа олон удаа хугарч, эмтэрч, эвдэрнэ, ялангуяа сэтгэлээр. цав цагаан байснаа бараантаж булингартсаар тас хар болох зарим бий, тас хар байснаа тас харын зовлонгоос ангижирч, сааралтсаар, гийсээр цагаарна. эмтэрхийнүүдээ элгэндээ тэврээд, бүтэн байсныг нь биш, яг одоо, яг энд энэ хэлтэрхийнүүдээс өөр юу ч байхгүйг дахин харна. баярлана. "ядаж хэлтэрхийнүүд байгаа нь яамай" гэж өөрийгөө тайтгаруулна. өнгөрсөнд эмтэрсэн зүйлс өнөөдрийг минь бий болгож байгаа учир тэдэнд "баярлалаа" гэхээс өөр юу гэхэв.

Thursday, July 24, 2014

DISGUST

he opens his swollen eyes, straining to see through the crust that had formed on his lashes. what time is it? how long has he been asleep? has he slept through the day and is it a night again? the heavy curtains barely let the air or light in, but he can see the air around him is thinner than it was before he blacked out. before he lost himself in the bottomless, dreamless state of catatonic drunkenness, he was crawling on the floor after slipping and falling on his way to his single, narrow bed from a toilet, where he remained, mumbling or moaning wordlessly in turns, writhing and scratching at his legs and arms and surgical scars on his body. he remembered that itch, he wanted to end it, he wished he kept a knife in the house. most words spilling out from his cracked and bleeding lips were pieces and syllables of words he recalled from the world word heavy-weights, engraved on his soul with the force that only a beauty and a death possess. no, it wasn't all the vodka he had consumed that night alone at home (for he stopped getting obliterated outside home after the last time when he hurt himself so badly that he literally couldn't move for a day afterwards, where he lay all day drifting in and out of consciousness and masturbating), it wasn't even the blunt void that has pinched his ribcage, his guts, and even his pulsating rectum where no shit passed in days. he couldn't pinpoint it, despite the fact that it was lodged inside him as well as all around him.

as he watches the moths flying around, he suddenly wishes to be one of these horrible-appearing creatures of the night, terrifyingly alien in their furry ugliness. 'but they are attracted to light, that must be why. maybe i am glowing for them', he flinches every time one comes close brushing his face, all his insides squeezed with a petrifying disgust. and it suddenly hits him that it is not anything else that has been creeping him out the last half a year, that it was but this nauseating, irrational disgust. the concrete disgust that has outgrown its decency and transformed into something that was akin to a quicksilver terror, random execution, headlong in-love amazement. no, it was simply a disgust. mostly, at his own self. disgust. with the innocent but terrifying-looking moths still flying around, he realises that he, too, is a moth, that he will remain a moth all his life, that he will never live in the sun, in the light, that he will always seem the repulsive, hideous creature that dwells in the dark, but who always seeks out and flies towards the illusive lights, all his life. as this insight envelopes him fully, he vomits, passes out, and for the first time in months, he sees a dream, a moth dream of seesawing night forests, valleys and mountain tops...

Tuesday, July 22, 2014

the other

rainy skies, weepy skies, cleansing skies, above all, sad. where is all this sadness coming from? numb i've been since early june, beginning to learn to breathe again, numb as the voracity of air particles continued to assail me while all i wanted was not to stay in the vacuum. numbed, damaged, self-damaging, to the point of a screeching raw broadcast of pain. every passing day i think i feel better, but with every reminder, encounter, i am shocked motionless, the smile a frozen mask of screaming agony over torn pieces of something beautiful that has disappeared, eyes intently gazing into the souls of people, searching, groping for the echoes of the other. the other, who stares back from every passerby's face, their motions, muscle movements compared, and the other remembered, held tight, caressed gently. the other, who lives in my soul, a separate entity from the original version, the one who became mine, the one who became a part of me. the other with whom the peace was made, and love declared, in my heart, never mind the reality. the other whom i forgave everything and thus whose existence, his gift, his soul, his karma, his choices i am grateful for in this weirdest, calmest manner. whose absence in reality i am learning to accept fully. the other.

Monday, July 21, 2014

би зөвхөн...

урсах харц. урссаар. догдлол. тэр бөмбөрийг сонсч байна уу? миний догдлол чинийх уу? чиний догдлол минийх уу? гарын чинь илч, биеийн чинь халуун, зүрхний чинь аянга. халуурах нь. буцлах цэг. нэг хүслээ нөгөөгөөр солих. хайраа алдах. шинээр олох. хайр гэж юу юм, эцсийн эцэст. сүнс сүнсээ хараад таних мэдрэмж намайг хэдэн сая хэсэгт тасдаад хаячихсан. минийх гэх юм үлдээгүй. бүгд дууссан. харц чинь урссаар. гарыг чинь атгаж, зүрхийг чинь сонсъё. биш л дээ... үнэндээ л биш. чамайг зөвхөн эзэмдэхийг хүснэ... үснээс чинь угзарч уруулыг чинь хазъя. хоолойн хөвчнөөс чинь урсах эр хонгор гиншилт агаарын урсгалын чичиргээг арьсаараа мэдрэх. нурууг чинь зөөлөн үнсэнгээ далан дээр чинь хазан, гүрийх үеүдийг чинь долоон хөхөхөд чи яраглан гиншсээр. гиншилт чинь цахилгаанд цохиулах мэт хамаг эд эсийг минь сэрээсээр... чинэрсэн булчин шөрмөс. зөөлөн уулга алдалт. цахрах улайрал.

намайг дагаад яв. надаас бүү ай. би зөвхөн... 

inspiration

homo. homoerotica. homoerotic. homosensual. homosexual. homoerotica. homoerotic. homosensual. homo. homo. homoerotica. homoerotic. homosensual. homosexual. homoerotica. homoerotic. homosensual. homo. homo. homoerotica. homoerotic. homosensual. homosexual. homoerotica. homoerotic. homosensual. homo. homo. homoerotica. homoerotic. homosensual. homosexual. homoerotica. homoerotic. homosensual. homo. homo. homoerotica. homoerotic. homosensual. homosexual. homoerotica. homoerotic. homosensual. homo. homo. homoerotica. homoerotic. homosensual. homosexual. homoerotica. homoerotic. homosensual. homo. homo. homoerotica. homoerotic. homosensual. homosexual. homoerotica. homoerotic. homosensual. homo. homo. homoerotica. homoerotic. homosensual. homosexual. homoerotica. homoerotic. homosensual. homo. homo. homoerotica. homoerotic. homosensual. homosexual. homoerotica. homoerotic. homosensual. homo. homo. homoerotica. homoerotic. homosensual. homosexual. homoerotica. homoerotic. homosensual. homo. homo. homoerotica. homoerotic. homosensual. homosexual. homoerotica. homoerotic. homosensual. homo. homo. homoerotica. homoerotic. homosensual. homosexual. homoerotica. homoerotic. homosensual. homo.

Saturday, July 19, 2014

memory lane: lawcommotion

the strawberry fields growing into a full-fledged uni-based rock festival called lawcommotion where many rock bands were discovered... nearly a lifetime ago, isn't it. how the time flies. before i knew it, i am a middle-aged rocker dude, single, still, still into LGBT rights, my life's mission, and still sick in the heart. the summer of 1996, the strawberry fields, the summer of 1997, lawcommotion. sick to the soul with love, i remember i spent both of these festivals drifting in and out of the crowd, always the loner. the lawcommotion especially stands out as it rained and rained and rained. today the playtime, the biggest live music event in mongolia, begins. ah, soul's delight, music... i have a companion, a puppy, this year. hopefully we will be let on the bus. signing off and out.

Friday, July 18, 2014

Саран дээрх алиалагч | Clown in the Moon

Нулимс минь шидэт сарнайн дэлбээний
Аниргүй урсгал мэт хөврөхөд
Харуусал минь ой тойнд минь буй
Мартагдсан тэнгэр, цасны ан цаваар хуйлрана.

Газарт хүрэх л юм бол
Нурна даа гэж би бодно.
Чимчигнэн буй зүүд шиг тэр
Хэчнээн гунигтай, үзэсгэлэнтэй.

Дилан Томас
(орчуулав)

***

My tears are like the quiet drift
Of petals from some magic rose; 
And all my grief flows from the rift 
Of unremembered skies and snows. 

I think, that if I touched the earth, 
It would crumble; 
It is so sad and beautiful, 
So tremulously like a dream.

Dylan Thomas

Wednesday, July 16, 2014

Keep away, all ye scaredy little souls!

Keep away, all ye scaredy little souls! Because the history is being made. It is right now in the making. If you don't have enough guts to be the maker of the history right beside me, off you go. Off you go and out you go. September, HERE I COME! What's in September? Well, Pride, first of all. Second, my surgeries, two, in fact, hopefully. Third... well, that you will just have to wait and see. Unbearable lightness of being, giant, humongous, ginormous! 

Tuesday, July 15, 2014

"I am gay, mother"

As I've written an Nth number of times in my blog, my transition heralded in an era of soul transition, if you will. Soul confusion, whatever. Ultimately, of course, it is not a confusion, but karma, solely a matter of karma. Since I remember myself, all I fell for were women. Falling for women meant not only appreciating their obvious beauty, but also being sexually attracted to them, to want to possess them sexually. Since my transition... My sexual orientation has become a little too complicated and complex to define, but it is nothing new, apparently, hearing other trans people. I had to battle, question and swim in my gloom and doom for nearly a year before I decided to accept my soul movements toward men, some men as I still do not find straight men attractive at all. Since my family only knew me as a gynophiliac (someone who is sexually, emotionally and mentally attracted to women and women only), with my sister abusing me verbally and throwing me out of home last year when I came out to her to have developed gay male feelings since my transition, I was simply terrified to open up to my mother about this now very intrinsic part of my being. After a due process of thought and consideration as well as strategisation, I came out to her during the Naadam, telling her about the last two soul affairs I've had since November 2011, and she took it all. She took it all without questioning, but she, again, ever again, was simply worried about my safety and welfare. Anyway. Feels absolutely good to be finally able to talk to the most important person in my life about the whole gamut of feelings and experiences that make me me. When (highly unlikely here in Mongolia) I finally get a boyfriend - and it is going to be a boyfriend, I am fairly sure - I can proudly present him to my mother as my partner. I remember the times nearly twenty years ago when she questioned my love for women "Oh, but you never had a boyfriend, how do you know you only like women?" The same way I know now that I like men even though I never had a boyfriend. Yet. 

insanest | sanest

the last four and a half months have been quite possibly the most insane months in my life. i am just about quite detached enough to see everything for what it has all been about. a lot of crawling. a lot of processing. a lot of pain. ultimately, a lot of gratitude without wanting to stay there, but nonetheless the full acknowledgment is here. affirmations. the directions that i've been going in firming up. attachments. insane feelings finally loosening up. final dots to the "i"s. gratitude, above everything else. forgiveness. of myself crawling and bawling my eyes out and acting towards someone in ways that were unacceptable (hey but i was only saying what was eating me). final hallelujahs that, i deeply hope, will usher in a new era of my spiritual and bodily existence. insanest period leading to sanest choices. amen.

Monday, July 14, 2014

таслал, цэг, анхаарлын тэмдэг

таслал, цэг, анхаарлын тэмдэг
цэг, таслал, асуултын тэмдэг
асуулт, цэг цэг цэг, анхаарлын тэмдэг

цэг

анхаарлын тэмдэг


цэг



цэг




цэг 





цэг

Monday, July 7, 2014

deluge

deluge... the tropical downpour for hours on end. finally. soothe me. sway me. the frail bird, the mysterious eye-headed dragonfly, the hounded soul trapped in an alien body. rest me. keep me safe. i am about to fly away...

тайтгарал

дусал бүр амиа хорлохдоо газарлуу шаах
                                                                                   тайтгарал
дундаршгүй санагдах бүгд дуусахыг сануулах
                                                                                   тайтгарал
сэтгэлийн уяа солиорлыг будах өнгө хөгжим
                                                                                   тайтгарал
зөвхөн зүүд, зөвхөн зүүд, зүгээр л зүүд
                                                                                   тайтгарал

2014/07/07

***

орилох чимээ тасран тархины гүнд улих.
ороох, ээрэх бодлууд биеийг шаналган
онгорхой нүх сүв бүрээр гадагшилж
огторгуйруу дуудах тэр л сэвэлзээн
огших зүрхийг золиосонд хориход...

нэг
хоёр
гурав
дөрөв
тав
зургаа
долоо
                       тавь

ондоог олохгүйгээс хойш
өөрөө...
2014/07/07

Friday, July 4, 2014

depressing, truly

i sat watching a korean gay movie tonight, just because i want to see others' lenses of how they see the world, the gay male world, i.e., and experience it vicariously (since i am coming to terms with the fact that despite my firm belonging there with my emotions, my feelings and last two soul affairs, i am never going to be accepted there because - oh horror of the horrors - i am a transman). "how bloody depressing" is all i thought. i don't do the depressing. i live, as much as possible, in the present. what that present implies has been a little murky since my past has lingered on since mid-december into the now. the more i dissect intellectually, the surer i am that i must get out of this murky, muddy space of being somewhere where i don't belong. it's not me. not my world. i AM really the light, but the world i encountered there appears to be all too dark, or at least, it imagines itself to be all too dark, never seeing the reality, the beauty, the symphony, the bright light. if only it lets itself be, truly. but all i can feel are waves of magnetic black-hole rays from there. it's TIME to leave it behind. i WILL leave it behind. even if i have to kill myself, figuratively, i will. all i've done is to immerse myself there, all it gave me was a freezing, black vacuum. i am starved for air, light, movement. am starved for my old self that stayed happy even in the times of seeming hopelessness (because everything was at least made CLEAR), even in the times of miserable broken-heartedness (because it was at least ARTICULATED honestly) giving me a space to move ahead. i'd been hanged in the middle of nowhereland, the wonderland of hallucinations, manipulations, dishonesty and craziness. i so don't do that. i am too much of a realist, in a way, i realise. it has all been dawning on me little by little, night after night, a therapy session after another (all-suffering friends!). cacophony... distortion... denial... pain... agony... laser beams cutting through my soul shredding it into an unknown semblance of me, an image in a broken mirror... so much hatred and blindness in this world, so little love. i choose love, love, love, again, and again, and again. what i have experienced had by now become more than love that must be left, cut off, burnt and turned into ashes. all i've done is to love. all i've gotten in return is a soul-chilling inhuman treatment where all i felt from there was... nothing. so this one-sided love must die. once and for all. this PAIN must end.

Tuesday, July 1, 2014

ЗАЛБИРАЛ | МОЛИТВА

Дэлхий эргэсээр цагт,
                       гэгээ цацарсаар үед,
Бурхан минь, хүн бүрт
                       түүнд байхгүйг нь өгөөч:
Цэцэнд толгой,
                       хульчгарт морь,
Жаргалтайд мөнгө...
                       Бас нмайг бүү мартаач.

Дэлхий эргэсээр цагт -
                      бурхан минь, тааллаар чинь л болог! -
Эрх мэдэлд шунахайрагчид
                      элийртлээ тэрийгээ эдлэг,
Өглөгч хүн өдрийг бартал
                      өөдөсхөн ч гэсэн амраг,
Каин харин гэмшиг...
                      Бас намайг бүү мартаач.

Мэднэ, чи бүгдийг чадна:
                      алуулсан цэрэг
Диваажинд амьдарч байгаадаа итгэх шиг,
                      анир ярианд чинь
Чих бүр автдаг шиг,
                      итгэсэн ч
Үйлээ мэдэхгүй бид үйлдсээр шиг
                      агууд чинь би итгэнэм.

Бурхан минь, ногоон нүдэн минь,
                      энэ л дэлхий эргэсээр цагт,
Өөрт нь сонин санагдах ч
                       гал дөл, цаг хугацаа байх цагт
Энэ л эргэлтүүд
                      хангалттай.
Бүгдэд багахан өгөөч...
                      Бас намайг бүү мартаач.

Булат Окуджава

***
Пока Земля еще вертится, 
                       пока еще ярок свет, 
Господи, дай же ты каждому, 
                       чего у него нет: 
мудрому дай голову, 
                       трусливому дай коня, 
дай счастливому денег... 
                       И не забудь про меня. 

Пока Земля еще вертится — 
                       Господи, твоя власть!— 
дай рвущемуся к власти 
                       навластвоваться всласть, 
дай передышку щедрому, 
                       хоть до исхода дня. 
Каину дай раскаяние... 
                        И не забудь про меня. 
 
Я знаю: ты все умеешь, 
                        я верую в мудрость твою, 
как верит солдат убитый, 
                        что он проживает в раю, 
как верит каждое ухо 
                        тихим речам твоим, 
как веруем и мы сами, 
                        не ведая, что творим! 

Господи мой Боже, 
                        зеленоглазый мой! 
Пока Земля еще вертится, 
                         и это ей странно самой, 
пока ей еще хватает 
                         времени и огня, 
дай же ты всем понемногу... 
                         И не забудь про меня.
Булат Окуджава

Monday, June 30, 2014

disability, depression, panic attacks

over the past one and a half months i've been disabled in the worst possible way: depression. it began in march, became worse mid-may onward. i found myself unable to sleep, unable to calm down, some days, two or three days in a row unable to eat, unable to move forward, unable to leave the queries, unable to come to terms with the pain, unable to get up from the bed, unable and unwilling to bathe, unable to clean my messy apartment. there have been some days i feel better, when i manage to function almost like a human being, like an ordinary human being, but most days i am too disabled to face the reality. the only times i calm down are the times i am unconscious, obliterated. there are days that i calm down when all my pain comes pouring as rain. the rest of the time i can't even begin to face the reality. depression episodes are nothing new to me. most of my adolescence i spent depressed, hating my body, hating everything around me, hating myself, hating what i was becoming, hating people who began watching me with that particular sexual hunger in their eyes that made me aware of my body more, and thus contributing to my self-hatred, it all culminating in an attempted suicide at a young age. everyone was shocked at what i had planned and executed in a meticulous way. no one had imagined that a young kid could be in so much pain and thus choose to deal with that pain through an attempt at self-annihilation. thereafter my depressive episodes continued periodically from time to time, at times of crucial, life-altering events that set my life course on diverging paths again and again. lately i've also been getting panic attacks. this morning after 3 hours of sleep i woke up with the feeling of impending doom, palpitating heart, overall weakness and chest pains. everything that has lead to this mental situation has been my own doing, i could hardly blame anyone for my state because i was the one who chose to stay in that space, i am the one who had consciously/unconsciously sabotaged my well-being and the peace of my mind and soul through choosing to stay in the past of the heart's movement, the movement that was denied, seen as nothing by the very human being who evoked them in the first place, the very human being who continued to deny me the decency of a closure, the decency of empathy, the very basic human decency, and thus showed me amply who he was. with all that knowledge, with all these revelations, i am still unable to get over my feelings, killing myself in the process. the fact that sissi's been gone for nearly a month also didn't help at all. when i found out a month and a half ago that i had been crawling up to my apartment on the fifth floor on my knees up the weirdest set of stairs that my old apartment building had with my pants around my ankles, with my jacket all muddy, bawling my eyes out, completely incoherent, i knew i needed help. when someone chooses self-harm of that degree, they are very sick inside. sick to the extent of extreme disability. with my repeating episodes of panic attack, i know that i need a therapist. soon. 

Wednesday, June 25, 2014

Гурван жилийн өндөрлөгөөс хүйсийн шилжилтийнхээ талаар

Саяхан бараг хоёр жил тааралдаагүй нэг пацаантай тааралдав, дөнгөж шилжилтээ эхлээд хагас жил болсон үгүйтэй үед анх танилцаж байсан бололтойдог билээ. "Алтан хальс" холбооноос зохион байгуулсан Андэрграунд кино наадам үзчээд ханзодсон юм. Ханзод харин тэр залуутай тааралдахад "Хоёр жилийн дотор ингэж их өөрчлөгдөх гэж, ийм сээгсий залуу болчих гэж" гээд намайг хөөргөдөв. Би ч хөөрөв. Хөөрөхөөс өөр аргагүй. Нээрээ л шилжилтээ эхэлсэн 2011 оны 6-р сард, тэрнээс өмнө хайрт найзыгаа бурхан болоход "Нэгэнт л амьдрал тийм богино тул үйлийн үрээрээ амьдрах ёстой, тэгэхийн тулд шилжилтэндээ заавал орох ёстой" гэсэн шийдвэрээ гаргасан 2009 оны 5-р сард яг энэ цэгт, яг энэ цаг хугацаанд, яг энд, яг одоод ирсэн байна гэж төсөөлөө ч үгүй явж байсан. Хэн нэгэн "Тэгэх цаг нь ирнэ" гэсэн бол "Юу л бол" гэх байсан. "Яг энд" гэдэг нь өөрийн харагдах, сонсогдох, махан биедээ орших оршихуйдаа сэтгэл дүүрэн байх. Махан биедээ орших оршихуйдаа сэтгэл дүүрэн байгаа тул махан биеэ бүрэн мэдрэх, махан биеийн нөхцөлт хэсэг сэтгэлээ ч бүрэн мэдрэх, хүлээж авах. Мэдээж хар багаасаа байнга л өөрийгөө эрэгтэй гэж зүүдлэдэг байсан. Зүүдүүдээрээ, зүүд мэт мөрөөдөл, зүүд мэт мөрөөслөөрөө ингээд амьдарч байна шүү дээ гэдгээ өнөө өглөө гэнэт санасан чинь бүр уйлмаар болсон гэж. Хамар шархираад л гэснээс шилжилтээ эхэлсний дараа жил илүүтэй уйлж чадахаа больсон байсан. Харин одоо бол асгартал уйлж чаддаг болсон. Энэ гурван жилд хоолойны хөвч маань хүрэх хэмжээндээ бүдүүрээд, шингэхэн хоолойтой залуусаас ч бүдүүн дуутай болсон. Цээжнийхээ хагалгаа, дараа нь цээжнийхээ засвар хагалгааг хийлгэсэн, одоо футболк байтугай майк ч өмсч болно. Хэдэн жилийн дараа сорви нь цайрахаар нүцгэн ч явж болохтойгоо болсон. Мөнгөө цуглуулсаар л байгаа, энэ намар Бахархалын дараа хоёр дах том хагалгаандаа орно. Ах дүү хамаатан саднууд миний шилжилтийг нүдээрээ харж, чихээрээ сонсч, сүнсээрээ бүрэн мэдэрсэндээ төрсөн эгч нараас бусад нь бүгд хүлээн зөвшөөрсөн. Намайг албаар доромжлох санаа агуулсан хүмүүс л шилжилтийн маань үр дүнг үгүйсгэж "Эм", "Эр эм нь мэдэгдэхгүй ЮМ" гэдгээс биш шинээр танилцсан, намайг хэн ба юуг огт мэдэхгүй хүмүүс "Чамайг эрэгтэйгээс эмэгтэйрүү л шилжиж байгаа гэж ойлгосон шүү дээ" гэх цэг дээрээ ирсэн. Сэтгэл, сүнсний аяллууд хамгийн хүнд байсан л гэхээс өөр юу гэхэв. Шилжилтээ эхэлснээс хагас жилийн дараа "би"-г шинээр нээхэд түлхэн алмайруулсан хоёр жилийн дурлалын түүх бие махбод, сэтгэл зүй, үг хэлийн доромжлол, басамжлал, хүчирхийллээр өндөрлөсөн. Сүүлийн хагас жилийн дурлал харин өнгөрсөн, одоо, ирээдүйг марттал мөлхүүлсэн, архичин болгох шахсан. Арай л болчоогүй. Дөхсөн. Гэвч бүх зүйл утга учир, авцалдаа төгөлдөр байгааг сануулсан өнгөрсөн хэдэн хоногт баярлах. Гурван жилийн өндөрлөгөөс эргээд өөрийгөө харсан чинь "Ээ, мөн их сэтгэлийн хаттай, гүргэр, мөлхсөн ч, дүүлсэн ч хүнээрээ үлдэх тавилантай хүн ээ дээ, чи, Анар аа" гэж өөрөөрөө бахархах, өөрийгөө хайрлах мэдрэмж төрөх. Энэ апдэйтийг 6-р сарын 5-нд хийх ёстой байсан ч тэр үед юун бичих, юун бодох. Одоо харин тайвширсаар. Болох зүйлс болж, өнгөрөх зүйлс өнгөрч, явах хүмүүс явж л амьдралд минь, зүрхэнд минь орон зай гарах учир орон зай үүсч байгаад л баярлах. Эрэмдэг мэт харагдах ч эцсийн дүндээ наддаа л төгс энэ биеийг олсон гучин найман жил... Шилжилтээс хойших жинхэнэ өөрөөрөө амьдарсан гурван жил... Үйлийн үртээ баярлах. Миний амьдралд байсан бүгдэд, байгаа хэсэгт, үлдэх цөөнд баярлах. Ээждээ хамгийн их баярлах. Аавдаа ч мөн (аав маань нээрээ гей байсан байлээ гэж. Ээжийн хорин хэдэн жилийн надад хэлж байсан нэг зүйлийг тэр үед ээж ч, би ч огт тайлбарлаж чадахгүй байсан ч саяхан бодон бодон сайн ойлгосон нэг зүйл бий). За ингээд шинэ орон зайнууд ум сайн амгалан орштугай. Хэдэн жил үлдсэн амьдралаа утга төгс амьдарсаар байхын төлөө. Хайрлахын төлөө, хайрлуулахын төлөө!

Tuesday, June 24, 2014

Үг хоромхон | Мгновенно слово

Үг хоромхон.
Үүнтэй адил зуун.
Хаана нь хүн багтдаг юм бол?
Яаж, хэзээ, ямархан буйдад
Сэтгэлийнх нь сарнай дэлгэрдэг юм бол?
Өөрийнхийгөө нууж, дуулж,
Өөдөсхөн алхсаар хорвоог туулж,
Өр нимгэнээр уураа яаж сольдог юм бол?
Үнсэлт, зодооны яармаг дээр,
Үнэн зөв, хуурмаг наргиан дунд
Үнэнхүү сонин тэр нөхөр
Өөрийгөө л хайрлахыг яагаад сонгодог юм бол?
"Хайрын чинь төлөө, май!" гэж
Хагарсан эмтэрхийг цус нь цалгиулна.
"Хайрын чинь төлөө, май!" гэж
Харамгүй диваажинд алгадуулна.
Тэгсэн ч тэр сонин нөхөр
Үнсэлт, зодооны яармаг дээр,
Үнэн зөв, найр наадам дунд
Өөрийгөө л зөвхөн хайрлахыг сонгоно.
Булат Окуджава
(орчуулангаа аядав)

***

Мгновенно слово.
Короток век.
Где ж умещается человек?
Как, и когда, и в какой глуши
распускаются розы его души?
Как умудряется он успеть
свое промолчать и свое пропеть,
по планете просеменить,
гнев на милость переменить?
Как умудряется он, чудак,
на ярмарке
                     поцелуев и драк,
в славословии и пальбе
выбрать только любовь себе?
Осколок выплеснет его кровь:
«Вот тебе за твою любовь!»
Пощечины перепадут в раю:
«Вот тебе за любовь твою!»
И все ж умудряется он, чудак,
на ярмарке
                     поцелуев и драк,
в славословии и гульбе
выбрать только любовь себе!
Булат Окуджава

Monday, June 23, 2014

finalmente

the white-hot delirium that had been my life this past half a year is coming to an end. i am finally getting to breathe. to breathe, to let the air in and out of my lungs without shrill. to calm down, to let go. i was walking all around the small ring road and the 11th district area this morning hunting for my smokes, and while i was watching the overcast skies, the puddles, the passing people deep in their daily routines, overrun by their fears, worries, pasts and futures, i caught myself smiling, installed firmly in the present. out of the blue all i felt was the peace and joy of now, my legs that walk in a peculiar bow-legged fashion, my belly protruding above the belt, my leather bracelets swinging, riding up and down my wrists, my dreads, their pleasing comfort against my back and my shoulders. the fleeting feeling of the peaceful beauty that shall remain, if i let it be, as long as i let it flow. i enjoyed the minute caresses of the wind, the tiniest splashes of raindrops, the looks and expressions on people's faces. i was alive, i am alive. i am finally healing. agonising travels in my deepest mental hell are over. time to go over the other side. ah... solitary soul travels must continue without bitterness. forgiveness, above all else. closing chapters, concluding the storylines, passing on, leaving the past where it belongs with just one thing: gratitude. 

Crowdfunding!

As many of you know, we are doing an online crowdfunding for the first time in the history of the Centre, and it happens to be for the Equa...