Sunday, January 26, 2014

diminutives, nicknames, honouring the past

jinx: my self-discovery of love and what love unlocks in me. my first love. your eyes are still my heart, liquid onyx... lexie-pexie: may god rest your soul in peace. i still miss you every day. my world, my discovery, my loss, my pain, my eveyday background noise, nearly two decades later, you still are it. boobiana: my white rose, the most beautiful girl who gave me the most beautiful gift of my life in front of hundreds of people. pamba: you, the music of my soul, the music of life, a bow-legged soul traveller of the worlds beyond words and colours, my inspiration, my first real relationship of the heart, mind and body. i know that after a decade and more, i still inpsire you, you still carry me in your heart and soul for all the love and lessons i gave you. i'm still waiting for that symphony you've been writing for me in the last thirteen years. choo-choo: why do you still use my names in your accounts?! why do you still keep me in your heart while you stomped on and trampled mine to nothingness, my heart that still fears to love even now because of you?! how can you live so blind to the destruction that you were to me, the violence you brought into my life? how could i ever forgive you for everything you did?... but i did. i made peace with you, with my past with you. go, you're free! my alien angelheart, dweller of the multiple universes, my liquid diamonds: you were my everything. you still are, until the day i find someone who is going to be at least as good as your little toe. PEACE, LOVE and NOW are what you taught me, i carry your lessons in my soul... my cynical cyborg: you were it. you blew it, i blew it. i walk as if nothing matters, you walk that way, too, but you know you will stay in my heart, if never in my life. two years... my re-discovery of my true colours. how stupid were you... how stupid, cowardly. you had me, my soul, my worlds at your disposal, you chose not. che: audacious, all-in-one, awesome. we never had anything, but i see who and what you are, i've seen what we could have had, and it was dazzling, it was all you could've been, and should be, but it is all just a piece of what i am. stay where you are, your choices are valid. my rainbow: my brilliant, radiant colours of love and pain, ah... so much connection, so little presence. stay with your colours that are shining more brilliant since this year... i could never deny the past. i could never deny the present. i can't deny the future, therefore i walk with all of you in my heart and soul, ahead, the only direction i have ever had.

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