Sunday, January 5, 2014

Falling

Psychologists working on LGBT relationships claim intimate partner abuse 
often stems from internalised homophobia/transphobia.


"i love you."
"i love you, too, baby."
"you are gonna stay with me... forever... right?"
"yes, as long as it takes."
"i love you..."
"i love you, too, baby."


leaves are turning yellow, red, brown, fragile... falling off... the world just does not exist, only me and her, this gorgeous woman who does not know that she is gorgeous in her accentuated masculinity, yet so very feminine... if i could just stay here forever, as i promised unthinkingly... god, where are you? surely, not in this den where the only human beings are criminals and outlaws... i wish you were here. i wish i could tell her once and for all, that we are to exist, no matter what because you created us as we are, but i'm not vocal, i keep quiet about the thoughts that come as lightest of feathers, barely touching my consciousness – thoughts that are bound to haunt me later when i am not with her...

“stop doing that! i hate it when you're not looking at me!”
“sweetheart, just let me be…”

leaves are falling… the forest behind us is murmuring and groaning with the heavy gusts of wind, but the lawn we are on is quiet – strange that the wind is only ruffling up the tops of these huge pine trees, while never reaching the bottom, one of the mysteries of nature one sees when in touch with it. the grass beneath is yellow and dried up, the mountain top we are on is windy… she’s lying belly down next to me, glaring at me from behind her specs, visibly sizzling with anger that will drown me if let out… autumn is all around us, and i am no longer in control – she is in control, of me, my life, my time, my commitments, my everything… when did is start? how did the process of her overtaking my life begin? i am smoking pot and am drifting into myself, the only place that now belongs to me…

"why do you always do this to me?! why do i feel so very much like nothing compare to you?"
"i am not responsible for what you feel, i am not making you feel whatever that you are feeling!"
"so this is it, huh?! is that it?!"
"this IS what you want! bloody hell!!!"
"have this and this... how do you like it?!"


i am scrambling to my feet... "i am strong, i have been to worse situations than this!" is the chant repeated million times, but memory is halting, retaining me in the present... this!.. god, where are you? surely, not in this den where the only human beings are criminals and outlaws... i wish you were here to tell her that the love of soul can not be retained by physical violence... she's repeating my mistakes on even grander level to the extent of physical violence, and i don't know how long it will take her to realise these mistakes. it took me years... karmic circle complete. tears and blood trickle down. do i have to kill myself to stop loving this woman before she kills me? sometimes one has to kill what is most essential to one's survival – oneself. 

leaves are falling... they have turned green and yellow and red and brown thrice since i met her. survival is still the instinct, but it is weaker now... instead my memories are here, like falling leaves trailing my erratic visions of violence past...

2004/11/24

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