Saturday, March 29, 2014

running towards minotaur

lost, so lost in the labyrinth of emotional and mental hues. for once, these hues are unbearable, oppressing, and all around me. the tiniest move of my eyeballs magnifies everything, i see everything as monstrously big and terrifyingly distorted. me, i'm just a speck of nothing, i know it, i see it, i am it. terrified and frozen, i adjust, i still my heart that's beating like a caged for the first time bird, i bait my breath - not a sound must escape - i must not be noticed, i must become the observer, the ultimate observer, and to observe fully, i must stay this tiny insignificant speck of nothingness. i merge into the air with terror and pain now in my every cell. i want to breathe, i want to breathe, my ribcage's been hurting for so long, but if i do, not a breath would emerge, but a blood-curdling inhuman shrill. so i run. i run amok from a corner to another, rounding one after another, but the monstrous and mocking hues all around are closing in, closer and closer, mocking, mocking, mocking, so i run faster and faster. it doesn't matter that now my rugged breath is a non-stop screaming that can be heard for miles around, and it doesn't matter that i am falling, breaking skin on my hands and knees, my forehead, no, it doesn't matter, for everytime i fall, i know i am seen, and i must not be seen, i have to keep running with screams for breaths, with pain for blood, with terror for feelings. till i come to a stop where me and my emotional and mental hues can no longer kill me, where something else will kill me. if i let it. he sits there, in the middle of the labyrinth, a half-beast, a half-man, a powerful torso, powerful arms and powerful thighs, he's beautiful in his merciless, cruel perfection. he will tear me apart from limb to limb, limb by limb... minotaur, i am coming to you soon.

ps: after this madness dies down, i will laugh triumphantly to mark the victory over my obsessions.
pps: after all this madness dies down, i will "surgically" remove my bleeding heart to not go through this again.
ppps: after this madness is overcome, i will never get involved with people who habitually blame others for their own mistakes.
pppps: let it be. pain, incredulity (bloody hell, where did this one spring from?! i had to check the spelling to see if i was getting the word right! what all hides in my jumbled brains...), pain once more, a must-face reality of nothingness. let it be. after i empty (which takes longer than to fill), i will reemerge, the eternal phoenix... love played as if it was a game by people who don't understand that the love is all there is in this world to hold onto... when that's not understood, one has to let it all be. shut everything down and hibernate.

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