Thursday, April 24, 2014

dates, pasts, sordid parts

let me start with the sordid parts: i was unpleasantly surprised to know that the refugee agency staff are still failing to undertake necessary measures to stop deportation of asylum seekers in mongolia, failing to utilise already existing mechanisms. pleasantly startled because i was able to provide advice on good venues to pursue to the person who called me about that asylum seeker. another sordid part i am engaged in tonight is the reinstalling of the joomla on the centre's website. four years ago i worked on the website from scratch and built it, now am taking it apart. just like i do with sordid parts: i assemble them, ordering the disorder, and then, when i'm bored, i smash them to smithereens, disordering the order. never sick of that.

pasts: dear god/dess... my past's catching up with me. the one i left for the lack of courage after two years of being desperately in love with is back looming large in my life, and he's more beautiful than ever, inside and out. everytime we spend time together, i find myself falling in love with him just a little bit. what is WRONG with me?! he couldn't accept me for who i am, which was all that there was to our relationship, and knowing, fully knowing, i am still letting my emotions flow. he chose to shut me out when he couldn't handle the situation between us. then i shut him out because i couldn't handle it and i was bleeding like a maniac. then he shut me out because he couldn't handle my naked yearning. then i shut him out because i was bleeding and yearnng way too much for my own good. neverending process of mutual shutting and blocking. i guess i should rephrase the old axyom: a sure way to get over an old love is to fall in love, once more, with your even older love. at least, thank god i am no longer obsessing with the one who was the sole realm of my thoughts in the past four months. i paid my debt to him by paying what i could affort for the first gift (the second most beautiful gift in my life) that he gave me. he never asked for it, but i wanted to, because i don't want to owe him, because he owes me nothing.

dates: i'd rather not date again. if i could just find someone who would say "fuck everything. i love you, you love me, i don't care what others think, let's just give it a try to being together!". the fact that i had been in a singular one-way street of loving is killing me on a soul level, i find. if sissi didn't arrive in my life when he did, i might've already done something stupid. not really, but close enough... where are you?... you're definitely nowhere among the people i know because everyone i know is a total coward.

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