Friday, May 9, 2014

bleeding putrid iridescence

the heart wants what it wants. the heart wants what is denied. the heart bleeds endlessly, profusely, mutely, locked up, frozen in the moments of the past where there was but a burst of molten gold and rainbows. now the heart bleeds only putrid, grey, lonely ghosts that wander from room to room, soul to soul, body to body searching for peace, but never finding it. infection of putridity, the muddy, impure iridescent splotches of radioactive slime poisoning everything around. the heart wants what it wants. the heart bleeds green pus, no more purity, no more joy. agony. -- A.N. 2014/05/08
last night i was at the brink of self-destruction. all i felt was pain, unbearable, because i don't lie, i can't lie. i can't even look at someone with untruth. i knew from the beginning that i was pouring out a piece of my putrid, rotten loneliness into someone who was kind enough to give me a temple of their soul. then, the whole day i sat, worked, and unmoved down to the core of my soul, i questioned myself: "what am i doing? my heart wants what it wants, but it can't have what it wants. am i now condemned to kissing other lips, caressing other hands, drinking other odours and to remaining undeniably putrid on the deepest levels because i can't have what i want?..." she waited for my call. i never called her. 

sometimes when your heart wants what it wants but can't have it, you choose inexistence. i welcomed, for the first time since 2011 the idea of a very public exposure of my transition, the state of my here-now to which i journeyed all my life, where each and every event of my life led me incessantly, step-by-step, where i am finally happy with what i look and sound like, but which brought more soul pain because people are blind, figuratively, and most everyone sees only the surface... once i begin the public exposure of my life, i will be hounded, hunted, violated, tortured in a way not many would be able to imagine, but which might finally set my soul free and lead to better protection of lgbt people here. i welcomed the idea of liberation from this body. i saw the process, i heard my own screams. screams of agony finally bursting out physically as my soul left my body...

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