Monday, June 30, 2014

disability, depression, panic attacks

over the past one and a half months i've been disabled in the worst possible way: depression. it began in march, became worse mid-may onward. i found myself unable to sleep, unable to calm down, some days, two or three days in a row unable to eat, unable to move forward, unable to leave the queries, unable to come to terms with the pain, unable to get up from the bed, unable and unwilling to bathe, unable to clean my messy apartment. there have been some days i feel better, when i manage to function almost like a human being, like an ordinary human being, but most days i am too disabled to face the reality. the only times i calm down are the times i am unconscious, obliterated. there are days that i calm down when all my pain comes pouring as rain. the rest of the time i can't even begin to face the reality. depression episodes are nothing new to me. most of my adolescence i spent depressed, hating my body, hating everything around me, hating myself, hating what i was becoming, hating people who began watching me with that particular sexual hunger in their eyes that made me aware of my body more, and thus contributing to my self-hatred, it all culminating in an attempted suicide at a young age. everyone was shocked at what i had planned and executed in a meticulous way. no one had imagined that a young kid could be in so much pain and thus choose to deal with that pain through an attempt at self-annihilation. thereafter my depressive episodes continued periodically from time to time, at times of crucial, life-altering events that set my life course on diverging paths again and again. lately i've also been getting panic attacks. this morning after 3 hours of sleep i woke up with the feeling of impending doom, palpitating heart, overall weakness and chest pains. everything that has lead to this mental situation has been my own doing, i could hardly blame anyone for my state because i was the one who chose to stay in that space, i am the one who had consciously/unconsciously sabotaged my well-being and the peace of my mind and soul through choosing to stay in the past of the heart's movement, the movement that was denied, seen as nothing by the very human being who evoked them in the first place, the very human being who continued to deny me the decency of a closure, the decency of empathy, the very basic human decency, and thus showed me amply who he was. with all that knowledge, with all these revelations, i am still unable to get over my feelings, killing myself in the process. the fact that sissi's been gone for nearly a month also didn't help at all. when i found out a month and a half ago that i had been crawling up to my apartment on the fifth floor on my knees up the weirdest set of stairs that my old apartment building had with my pants around my ankles, with my jacket all muddy, bawling my eyes out, completely incoherent, i knew i needed help. when someone chooses self-harm of that degree, they are very sick inside. sick to the extent of extreme disability. with my repeating episodes of panic attack, i know that i need a therapist. soon. 

Wednesday, June 25, 2014

Гурван жилийн өндөрлөгөөс хүйсийн шилжилтийнхээ талаар

Саяхан бараг хоёр жил тааралдаагүй нэг пацаантай тааралдав, дөнгөж шилжилтээ эхлээд хагас жил болсон үгүйтэй үед анх танилцаж байсан бололтойдог билээ. "Алтан хальс" холбооноос зохион байгуулсан Андэрграунд кино наадам үзчээд ханзодсон юм. Ханзод харин тэр залуутай тааралдахад "Хоёр жилийн дотор ингэж их өөрчлөгдөх гэж, ийм сээгсий залуу болчих гэж" гээд намайг хөөргөдөв. Би ч хөөрөв. Хөөрөхөөс өөр аргагүй. Нээрээ л шилжилтээ эхэлсэн 2011 оны 6-р сард, тэрнээс өмнө хайрт найзыгаа бурхан болоход "Нэгэнт л амьдрал тийм богино тул үйлийн үрээрээ амьдрах ёстой, тэгэхийн тулд шилжилтэндээ заавал орох ёстой" гэсэн шийдвэрээ гаргасан 2009 оны 5-р сард яг энэ цэгт, яг энэ цаг хугацаанд, яг энд, яг одоод ирсэн байна гэж төсөөлөө ч үгүй явж байсан. Хэн нэгэн "Тэгэх цаг нь ирнэ" гэсэн бол "Юу л бол" гэх байсан. "Яг энд" гэдэг нь өөрийн харагдах, сонсогдох, махан биедээ орших оршихуйдаа сэтгэл дүүрэн байх. Махан биедээ орших оршихуйдаа сэтгэл дүүрэн байгаа тул махан биеэ бүрэн мэдрэх, махан биеийн нөхцөлт хэсэг сэтгэлээ ч бүрэн мэдрэх, хүлээж авах. Мэдээж хар багаасаа байнга л өөрийгөө эрэгтэй гэж зүүдлэдэг байсан. Зүүдүүдээрээ, зүүд мэт мөрөөдөл, зүүд мэт мөрөөслөөрөө ингээд амьдарч байна шүү дээ гэдгээ өнөө өглөө гэнэт санасан чинь бүр уйлмаар болсон гэж. Хамар шархираад л гэснээс шилжилтээ эхэлсний дараа жил илүүтэй уйлж чадахаа больсон байсан. Харин одоо бол асгартал уйлж чаддаг болсон. Энэ гурван жилд хоолойны хөвч маань хүрэх хэмжээндээ бүдүүрээд, шингэхэн хоолойтой залуусаас ч бүдүүн дуутай болсон. Цээжнийхээ хагалгаа, дараа нь цээжнийхээ засвар хагалгааг хийлгэсэн, одоо футболк байтугай майк ч өмсч болно. Хэдэн жилийн дараа сорви нь цайрахаар нүцгэн ч явж болохтойгоо болсон. Мөнгөө цуглуулсаар л байгаа, энэ намар Бахархалын дараа хоёр дах том хагалгаандаа орно. Ах дүү хамаатан саднууд миний шилжилтийг нүдээрээ харж, чихээрээ сонсч, сүнсээрээ бүрэн мэдэрсэндээ төрсөн эгч нараас бусад нь бүгд хүлээн зөвшөөрсөн. Намайг албаар доромжлох санаа агуулсан хүмүүс л шилжилтийн маань үр дүнг үгүйсгэж "Эм", "Эр эм нь мэдэгдэхгүй ЮМ" гэдгээс биш шинээр танилцсан, намайг хэн ба юуг огт мэдэхгүй хүмүүс "Чамайг эрэгтэйгээс эмэгтэйрүү л шилжиж байгаа гэж ойлгосон шүү дээ" гэх цэг дээрээ ирсэн. Сэтгэл, сүнсний аяллууд хамгийн хүнд байсан л гэхээс өөр юу гэхэв. Шилжилтээ эхэлснээс хагас жилийн дараа "би"-г шинээр нээхэд түлхэн алмайруулсан хоёр жилийн дурлалын түүх бие махбод, сэтгэл зүй, үг хэлийн доромжлол, басамжлал, хүчирхийллээр өндөрлөсөн. Сүүлийн хагас жилийн дурлал харин өнгөрсөн, одоо, ирээдүйг марттал мөлхүүлсэн, архичин болгох шахсан. Арай л болчоогүй. Дөхсөн. Гэвч бүх зүйл утга учир, авцалдаа төгөлдөр байгааг сануулсан өнгөрсөн хэдэн хоногт баярлах. Гурван жилийн өндөрлөгөөс эргээд өөрийгөө харсан чинь "Ээ, мөн их сэтгэлийн хаттай, гүргэр, мөлхсөн ч, дүүлсэн ч хүнээрээ үлдэх тавилантай хүн ээ дээ, чи, Анар аа" гэж өөрөөрөө бахархах, өөрийгөө хайрлах мэдрэмж төрөх. Энэ апдэйтийг 6-р сарын 5-нд хийх ёстой байсан ч тэр үед юун бичих, юун бодох. Одоо харин тайвширсаар. Болох зүйлс болж, өнгөрөх зүйлс өнгөрч, явах хүмүүс явж л амьдралд минь, зүрхэнд минь орон зай гарах учир орон зай үүсч байгаад л баярлах. Эрэмдэг мэт харагдах ч эцсийн дүндээ наддаа л төгс энэ биеийг олсон гучин найман жил... Шилжилтээс хойших жинхэнэ өөрөөрөө амьдарсан гурван жил... Үйлийн үртээ баярлах. Миний амьдралд байсан бүгдэд, байгаа хэсэгт, үлдэх цөөнд баярлах. Ээждээ хамгийн их баярлах. Аавдаа ч мөн (аав маань нээрээ гей байсан байлээ гэж. Ээжийн хорин хэдэн жилийн надад хэлж байсан нэг зүйлийг тэр үед ээж ч, би ч огт тайлбарлаж чадахгүй байсан ч саяхан бодон бодон сайн ойлгосон нэг зүйл бий). За ингээд шинэ орон зайнууд ум сайн амгалан орштугай. Хэдэн жил үлдсэн амьдралаа утга төгс амьдарсаар байхын төлөө. Хайрлахын төлөө, хайрлуулахын төлөө!

Tuesday, June 24, 2014

Үг хоромхон | Мгновенно слово

Үг хоромхон.
Үүнтэй адил зуун.
Хаана нь хүн багтдаг юм бол?
Яаж, хэзээ, ямархан буйдад
Сэтгэлийнх нь сарнай дэлгэрдэг юм бол?
Өөрийнхийгөө нууж, дуулж,
Өөдөсхөн алхсаар хорвоог туулж,
Өр нимгэнээр уураа яаж сольдог юм бол?
Үнсэлт, зодооны яармаг дээр,
Үнэн зөв, хуурмаг наргиан дунд
Үнэнхүү сонин тэр нөхөр
Өөрийгөө л хайрлахыг яагаад сонгодог юм бол?
"Хайрын чинь төлөө, май!" гэж
Хагарсан эмтэрхийг цус нь цалгиулна.
"Хайрын чинь төлөө, май!" гэж
Харамгүй диваажинд алгадуулна.
Тэгсэн ч тэр сонин нөхөр
Үнсэлт, зодооны яармаг дээр,
Үнэн зөв, найр наадам дунд
Өөрийгөө л зөвхөн хайрлахыг сонгоно.
Булат Окуджава
(орчуулангаа аядав)

***

Мгновенно слово.
Короток век.
Где ж умещается человек?
Как, и когда, и в какой глуши
распускаются розы его души?
Как умудряется он успеть
свое промолчать и свое пропеть,
по планете просеменить,
гнев на милость переменить?
Как умудряется он, чудак,
на ярмарке
                     поцелуев и драк,
в славословии и пальбе
выбрать только любовь себе?
Осколок выплеснет его кровь:
«Вот тебе за твою любовь!»
Пощечины перепадут в раю:
«Вот тебе за любовь твою!»
И все ж умудряется он, чудак,
на ярмарке
                     поцелуев и драк,
в славословии и гульбе
выбрать только любовь себе!
Булат Окуджава

Monday, June 23, 2014

finalmente

the white-hot delirium that had been my life this past half a year is coming to an end. i am finally getting to breathe. to breathe, to let the air in and out of my lungs without shrill. to calm down, to let go. i was walking all around the small ring road and the 11th district area this morning hunting for my smokes, and while i was watching the overcast skies, the puddles, the passing people deep in their daily routines, overrun by their fears, worries, pasts and futures, i caught myself smiling, installed firmly in the present. out of the blue all i felt was the peace and joy of now, my legs that walk in a peculiar bow-legged fashion, my belly protruding above the belt, my leather bracelets swinging, riding up and down my wrists, my dreads, their pleasing comfort against my back and my shoulders. the fleeting feeling of the peaceful beauty that shall remain, if i let it be, as long as i let it flow. i enjoyed the minute caresses of the wind, the tiniest splashes of raindrops, the looks and expressions on people's faces. i was alive, i am alive. i am finally healing. agonising travels in my deepest mental hell are over. time to go over the other side. ah... solitary soul travels must continue without bitterness. forgiveness, above all else. closing chapters, concluding the storylines, passing on, leaving the past where it belongs with just one thing: gratitude. 

Saturday, June 21, 2014

ma vie en rose, tomboy, etc.

with my plans for the countryside weekend out of the window (can't completely blame mom for it was me who had been lying to her that i would make it there every bloody week for the past two weeks and more), i am looking at a quiet weekend with tons of shit to do, but i will do the work tomorrow, today i need to chillax and what better way to chillax than with great movies... since march, i've been working pretty much all weekends, except for saturdays. kept myself busy. kept my brains busy. kept my hands busy. but even with everything i've done to busy myself, i still found myself crawling. but that's like a whine that i've been emitting for the last however many months, and am sick of myself.  


last night i watched Ma Vie En Rose for the first time. made me cry. all those torments gender-variant kids are forced to go through inflicted by friends, family, community, strangers, all that ridicule springing from the inability of people to see beyond what's apparent, beyond what's visual, beyond what is given as something permanent. ludovic: "To make a baby, parents play tic-tac-toe. When one wins, God sends Xs and Ys. XX for a girl, and XY for a boy. But my X for a girl fell in the trash, and I got a Y instead. See? A scientific error!" bloody chromosome errors (again, informed by the very karma/lessons you need to go through in life to become truly who and what we are, for sure, oh, but how painful!) that need to be corrected through a painful process of invasive procedures that could be avoided if the transition takes place early. made me think of someone, too... made me cry again.


and of course, i wrote about Tomboy back in 2011 after i finally got to watch it months of waiting later, here it is (in mongolian only). 

Thursday, June 19, 2014

яасан хүйтэн...
мөсөн ясаа тавих зай хайх.
тэгэхэд ус л үлдэнэ.
2014/06/19

Wednesday, June 18, 2014

spaceships, deep space and minute imaging

it's been exactly twenty years since i came to this very location, high school graduation took place in this area, and i was the only one who never drank that night, and i was the only one who noone dared to push to drink. i must've been scary, afterall, a locked-up human being who allowed noone deep inside my world, just outer layers. twelve years ago, i did come to this vicinity to visit a friend whose parents were buildng a house in the airport area. that night i lay alone in the hammoc on the second floor terrace, a loner as usual, unheeding of sounds and laughter downstairs, sounds of life, while i, uncaring, lay gazing into the night sky when i realised that the star i was looking at for awhile appeared to have grown in size, closer, somehow. infinitely intrigued, i continued gazing at it, not even responding to my then-ex who came up to see how i was doing alone on the night terrace, if i was afraid (as if). i didn't bother to point out to her that i was mesmerised by that growing light constant in the same place for an hour or so that has become bigger in front of my very eyes, that it surely must've been a spaceship. the next morning we effectively ended our two year relationship, after witnessing a beautiful dawn together, the last of the several hundreds that we had met and bade farewell to. that summer twelve years ago, unblind, i saw my relationship turn into a pure agony, an endless torture. her cowardly acts, omissions and commissions over which she, of course, agonised, but couldn't help committing, while faced with those i felt annihilated again and again and again. the sleepless nights, literal crawling on the floor picking up dustballs, hair pieces, crumbs of dropped food, from the bedroom to kitchen to corridor to living room to toilet to bathroom. my constant dwelling place was the floor where i lay examining minute things catatonically, or screaming my head off alone in the apartment till neighbours would come knocking at the anguish they heard... i continued to scream. that summer was the longest summer. that summer i travelled in my soul digging deep into the endless well that was me. i began meditating. i gave up smoking for a few months. i ate only vegetarian food that didn't require much cooking, so salads, mostly. at the end, i began dreaming lucidly. the unbearable agony over someone whom i loved so deeply, but whom i knew i would leave, the departure delayed by her guilty begging, by her promises, by her endless promises of better times ahead. i couldn't wait. i never had the time to wait. i had to sever that soul maze between us. every night while she was out with someone else, i examined everything from the beginning till the end, pouring over minute details, letting the past and the future mix into a standstil of thundering flashes of clarity. that night with the spaceship, that morning with the most beautiful dawn and sunrise, the lucid dreams which showed me where i was to go, who i was to meet, what was my purpose in lfe or some part of it, kept me going when i let her go finally. i killed myself, some part of me that summer. it was a necessary murder. years after we parted, when we meet, i still see love, guilt, sorrow in her eyes. mine, i'm sure, just show reflections of the memories we made. nothing was to remain for the sake of my sanity. minute imagining, microscopic examinations, lucid dreams and signs, yes, signs... i'm again killing myself this summer. patterns of repetition, every twelve years, killing a part of my soul that becomes cancerous with love. every time we meet now, her eyes tell a history of what i did right. every time i see her now, i feel her soul flowing with love, but she is no longer relevant. this summer is going to be another longest summer. time to start dreaming lucidly.

Monday, June 16, 2014

irreversible choices

i know you as much as you know yourself, maybe better. i know you're good. i know you're a scared little one. i know you've always made safe choices in life, choices that have somehow always left you wanting for more at the end of the day, but you never learnt to make other choices. i know you have walked the path of inner confusion of self-doubt, self-negation, self-hatred, pain for as long as you remembered, for those feelings echo in me, thankfully, they're nothing but just echoes for i've learnt to make other chocies of non-suffering. i know you're now happy, you've finally, finally, finally gave in to that safest choice. as days pass, you will realise that you're not as happy as you could be, but that's ok,  it will do for now, afterall, there is nothing but now, as i tried to teach you. i know we met for a reason. you don't know that reason, i do. i know why i met you, i know why you've fleeted around the edges of my life and left it without so much as a word of final truth. i know why you stayed in my life for as long as you stayed playing word and image games, for you are a kid, and it's your nature to play. i know you're just a scared little fragile bird with a lion heart, but still, a bird. i know your footprints that you will leave on this earth, make sure those are worthwhile, make sure you no longer harm people, or yourself, in the process. all those days and nights of finally glimpsing something true and gloriously shiny are gone: you've made your choice. it tore my soul for the past few days, but last night i finally could breathe with the deepest, saddest, but also happiest smile, for you. my final farewell words to you: learn self-respect. learn to love, to give, to sacrifice for the truth. only then will you finally reach your true potential of a giant. or, stay where you are, stay tiny little bird whose heart bursts with all the longing to be the giant bird. it is all about choices, afterall. goodbye, godspeed. love, always.

Sunday, June 15, 2014

цаг цагаараа, цахилдаг хөхөөрөө байдаггүй

гэснээс нээрээ л миний сонсдог, уншдаг, магад хардаг, үздэг зүйлс үечлэлтэй, дандаа хайр дурлалтай холбоотой үечлэлтэй ч байх шиг. дуртай дуунууд маань дандаа хэн нэгэнтэй, нэгэн үетэй холбоотой байдаг болохоор тэдгээрийг хэзээ ч ресайкл хийдэггүй гэх үү дээ. дуу бүр өөр түүхтэй... хэзээ анх яаж тэрэнтэй хамт сонссон, эсвэл тусдаа сонссон ч зөвхөн тэрийг л санагдуулдаг учир тэр түүх сэтгэлээс гарах цагт эргээд магад тэр хамтлагийн дууг сонсох ч, яг тэр дуунуудыг нь ухамсартайгаар сонсохоо байдаг. анхны хайр бол аланис морриссетын 1995, 1998 оны бүх дуунууд, ялангуяа so pure, head over feet, thank you; анхны монгол-биш экс:  тори эймосын cloud on my tongue, icicle, hey jupiter, анхны монгол экс: сара маклахланы angel, better than chocolate, земфирагийн ненавижу... за за баахан ажилтай байж солиорохтойгоо. өнгөрсөн оны арван хоёр сард хэд хэдэн сонсдог дуунууд бүрмөсөн хасагдсан, одоо бас дахин шинэчлэх ажил хийх ёстой юм... ирэх долоо хоногийн сүүлээр л нэг сайн шинэчлэхээс. сэтгэл санааны байдал хоёр долоо хоногийн өмнөхөөс хамаагүй дээрдсэн, бодит байдалруу бууж ирсэн. гашуудлын үе шатууд л явагдаж байгааг харж байна. одооны шатыг эвлэрэх шат гэдэг юм шиг байлээ.

Thursday, June 12, 2014

kill your darlings

instead of burying himself in the woodwork of words, he sat distracted by sudden insights that won't let him rest or concentrate. instead of diligent ploughing, he sat playing mahjong and sudoku absentmindedly while furiously turning over the events and trends of his past few years and found the results pitiful, lacking, wanting on the one hand; beautiful, crystal clear, sufficient, on the other. since he welcomed so many hitherto unimagined protagonists in his book that he kept writing every day for as long as he remembered, the last few years he became so engrossed in it that, he now saw, the only way to regain the blank state of rewriting was to continue to live to the fullest till death doth him apart, till he kills his characters populating his book, and most importantly, till he kills his own self as a protagonist. the book made screeching halts, full stops, taking turns at exclamation or question marks when his protagonists were imagined to solely choose what they choose to see/do to the point of brutality in their intended and real treatment of his imagined reality. he sat musing: "if my imagined reality is brutal to the point of no hope, ever, if the reality i find myself is so inescapable because i finally see the threads, junctions, events, connections coming together in a cohesive pattern of the puzzle finally shaping up, if the reality i find myself in is due to the lack of social progress, misinterpretation of personal liberties (which are mere words here, anyway), driven by the rigid morality and ladder-climbing rules of misengagement without the rule of law as such, if the dream reality i find myself in keeps surfacing in my waking paranoid reality, if my reality is no longer enriching my experiences as a soul but is only serving to fulfill THEIR karma... a stunning beauty of the exit point. i love you enough to kill you, my darlingest self, yes i do."

Wednesday, June 11, 2014

Онол номер 33: бэлгийн цөөнхийн хувь заяа алган дээрээ

Өнөөдөр бас л ажиглаад олон жил болж байгаа, хэдэн сарын өмнө фэйсбүүкээрээ шээрлэсэн нэг зүйлийг хуваалцмаар санагдав. Бэлгийн чиг баримжаа сонголт биш, солигдчихдог, өөрчлөгдчихдөг зүйл огтоос биш ("хүйсийн шилжилтэд л орохгүй бол шүү" гэдэг бас нэг тодотгол сүүлийн хэдэн жилийн маань мэдрэмжүүдээс үүссэн, ганц минийх ч биш, бусад транс хүмүүсийн шилжилтийн үйл явц, сэтгэл санаа, зүрхний асуудлыг нь сонсон ажиглахад адил л байгаад байгаа юм). Бэлгийн чиг баримжаа төрөлхийн зүйл ба үүнийг уураг тархины бүтэц, ген, хромосом гэх мэт олон зүйлсээр батлаад удчихсан зүйл юм бол алган дээр бичигдээстэй л байж таараа гэж бодон хүмүүсийн алгыг харж эхэлсэн минь нэлээд хэдэн жилийн өмнө. Үр дүн: өөрийгөө ЛГБТ хэмээн өөртөө хүлээн зөвшөөрдөг хүмүүсийн алган дээрх амьдралын шугам нь заавал давхар байхыг анзааарсан. Амьдралын шугам давхар байна гэдэг нь уламжлалт алганы хээний тайлбараар "сэтгэлийн тэнхээтэй, хүчтэй, ивээгдсэн" гэдэг юм билээ. Магад үнэн л дээ. ЛГБТ хүн болж төрөхөд олонлогийн дунд байгаа цөөнхийн амьдралын туршлага лав 100% эерэг байж чадахгүй, чаддаггүй. Сэтгэл, бие, бэлгийн болон бусад бүх хүчирхийлэлд бид өртсөөр л байдаг. Тэгээд сүүлдээ энэ болгоныг даван туулаад ийм тэнхээтэй болдог ч юм болов уу гэж бодох шиг. Баруун, зүүн гарын амьдралын давхар шугамын хооронд бас ялгаа байдаг бололтой билээ. Баруун гар бол одоогийн амьдрал чинь. Зүүн гар бол өгөгдөл. Алгаа гөлрөөд сууцгаа. Давхар амьдралын зураастай стрэйт хүмүүст хэлэхэд: ЛГБТ биш ч ийм зураастай бол "та зүгээр л сэтгэлийн тэнхээтэй хүн :))" Харин ЛГБТ ба ийм зураастай бол "та үнэхээр хувь заяагаараа л явж байгаа хүн :))"

Friday, June 6, 2014

closure, certainty, mourning

figuratively: soul-crawling, clawing blindly for a foothold to get out of the deepest echoing hell i found myself in, am starved for air, air, air. literally: unable, unwilling to move from the bed, odours in the bedroom rancid (i must be rotting), unconscious voids of catatonia alternating with paralysed staring into the phone, waiting endlessly till a word that stops me dead, cold. force myself out of bed. i must get medicines to mom. i can't possibly go see her in my present state. noone should be assaulted with such a sight. no morsel passed my mouth in two days, today i finally give in, have a sandwich. closures mean certainty. certainty is beautiful. i can finally mourn fully and let everything rest in peace.

Wednesday, June 4, 2014

амок, амьтны хүрээлэн, архи

өчигдөржин хариу ирэхгүйг нь мэдсээр байж хүлээсэн. оройжин ганцаараа солиортлоо хүлээнгээ ар араас нь арван хэдэн мессеж явуулангаа ууж тасарсан. өглөө сэрэхгүй юмсан гэсэн ч үхээгүй л хойно өглөө миний шаналал гадаа шаагиж байсан. өнөө шөнө элийрэл минь цас болоход гайхах зүйлгүй. гашуудан архи уух. гансран архи уух. нэг сараас хойш хэдэн ч шөнө тасартлаа уув. энэ насандаа уух ёстой архиа өнгөрсөн хэдхэн сар уугаад дуусгаж байгаагаа л мэдэх. насны бөгсөнд ингэтлээ, буцаад анх удаа дурлаж буй мэт дурлах. нэг л мэдэхэд миний ертөнцөд түүнээс өөр нэг ч дурлалын дурсамжгүй болсныг, түүнийг л хүсэх адгуусан хүслээс өөр ямар ч хүсэл, мөрөөдөл үлдээгүйг харах аймаар. хашгирсан ч, уйлсан ч, холоос түүний сүнсийг, түүний гэрлийг, түүний харанхуйг сүнсэндээ бүүвэйлсээр таван сар хагасыг өнгөрөөсөн ч тэрэнд энэ болгон огт падлийгүй байсныг өчигдөр нэгмөр ойлгосон. намайг зөвхөн амьтны хүрээлэнгийн үзмэр болгож харсныг нь бүрэн ухаарсан. гоё үзмэр байж чадсан. дахиж над шиг үзмэр тэрний амьдралд таарахгүй. ер нь над шиг хүмүүс их битгий байгаасай, бүх зүйл нь дэндүү. өнөө шөнө дахиад тасартлаа ууна, үлгэр сонсоно. "бүүвэйл" гэж найзаасаа гуйна, бүүвэйлэхгүй гэсэн ч хүчээр бүүвэйлүүлнэ. түүнийг бүүвэйлсээр ирсэн энэ олон сар шиг хэн нэгэн намайг бүүвэйлэх ёстой. нөгөөдөр өглөө ээжээрээ бүүвэйлүүлнэ, бүх энэлэлээ тайлна. хүүгийнхээ хэр баргийн зүйлийг тоодоггүйг нь мэдэх учир өөрөө уйлж чаддаггүй ч намайг уйлахыг харахаараа уйлдгараа намайг өрөвдөж уйлна. болих ёстой. тархиараа сэтгэлээ захиран дуусгавар болгох ёстой. ингэтлээ солиорох гэж. намайг ингэж солиоруулах гэж, ингэж мөлхүүлэх гэж...

ер нь яах юм бэ?!

ер нь энэ дэлхий ертөнц яачихсан юм бэ? хүмүүс нь яачихсан юм бэ? үнэнийг худал, худлыг үнэн болгогсод яагаад тоос хөдөлгөөд яваад байдаг юм бэ? намайг тайван орхи. одоо юу ч хэрэггүй. хэн ч. хэзээ ч. болсон. өөртөө хоёр жил гэж тогтсон зүйлээ нэг жилдээ амжуулах маш том шийдвэрийг өнгөрсөн шөнө гаргасан, дараа нь "үүрд минь, сайн байна уу."

Tuesday, June 3, 2014

train trips

having talked to my mother for an hour on the children's day, i can't now wait to see her. i've missed her so. i haven't seen her for a year now as she doesn't make the trip to the city much anymore, and i just hadn't had the time or chance to go visit her during the past year. the last time she came to ulaanbaatar was last year in june when she came to take care of her grandson as i was busy with the elections job, and my nephew sat helpless but happy at his gaming all day thanks to a fractured leg. of necessity and due to safety reasons, i'm taking the train north. train trips always wake memories: czechoslovakia to mongolia, when i was a four and half year old (the beautiful, comfortable compartment fully equipped with its own private bathroom, sink, what-have-you, glimpses of the type of luxury unheard of and unseen in the socialist realms, the train being austrian), my solitary travel of the late 90s and early 2000s beijing to ulaanbaatar and ulaanbaatar to beijing (once being stuck with compartment roomies whom i wasn't comfortable enough with thanks to all of their unbridled drinking, sexual flirting with each other, and one clamouring on top of another regardless of a kid, me, being next to them, that set my teeth on the edge, whom i ended up escaping and spending the night sitting atop of a corridor trashbin, gazing into the slipping darkness, shadows and shapes evoking my paranoid fantasies where, despite everything that could be out there, i was still safe in my blanket over my shoulders in that speeding box of steel), my solitary and joint travels with friends all around india (pot is decriminalised there which meant that whenever there was a road trip with friends, most of us ended up getting stoned and listening to the 60s psychedelic rock for hours, and when travelling alone, still getting stoned and immersing myself in then and there, all the smells and tastes of india all too live, still, because of that added factor of memories being retained by my senses as much as by my intellect), my coupled and thus fevered train nights (one ex used to go on roadtrips quite often, and if she was going over the weekend, i often joined her) where no sound was to escape, which didn't preclude us from doing what we wanted to do to each other's bodies and souls... then my meditative pilgrimage trips to the south or the north of the country by myself, hot air baking my body, sucking all the moisture out of my cells... meditative, introspective, silent; i often pretend to be mute when i'm travelling alone in trains. 

another silent trip is coming up.

Monday, June 2, 2014

waves upon waves


of sadness... to keep hoping where there is no hope, no words, no communication. to keep loving when all this love has done to me is to ravage my soul to the point of white-hot delirium where nothing remains but a bloodless agony. everything bled out. what remains is the flowering bruises of incredulity, uncertainty, nothingness, most of all. my white-hot obsession, pure delirium, undying. waves upon waves of agony... why am i here, stuck, tongue-tied, disabled, rooted in my endless whys, hows, how-comes. i scoff "meaningless", but it is not...

Landscapes, internal and external: hail, hail, Mohanik!

"Come with me" said the wolf. A rainbow was put into my hand, "Hold on tight to it". 
 In the fire made of water and ether, I see the wolf, and it seems it is me. 
-- "Wolf dance", Mohanik

 
Four people who came together for music, the shared passion, journeying, soul-searching, star-gazing, cloud-hopping, dreaming, drowning, crawling, screaming, shivering in the corners of their mental cells, and then soaring higher than the clouds beyond all that is real and tangible into the realms of the intangible. Journeys internal and external, harsh landscapes of spirit-chilling darkness alternating with shiny brightness of the reverse negatives spilling out in the auditory feast that the album "At Amarbayasgalant" is. The first time I heard this band was back in 2009 during our UN New Year party. All I did was kind of go "Oh, cute", dismiss them since I don't do the cute, or the young: "A bit too undefined". Then, during the last year's Playtime when I arrived around 4pm, they were playing their new stuff which simply took my breath away. I stood there alone swayed and journeyed into their worlds with closed eyes, face upturned to the setting sun. The soul bits I heard in their new music resonated deeply within my own... Well, there were many things that took my breath away during the last Playtime, Mohanik's new stuff was the prime. Seeing two skinhead guys kiss in front of everyone (imagine!) and not give a damn, everyone around not give a damn, either, was another. Mono's guitarist making love to his guitar, giving me chills to the end of my toes, was another. Back to Mohanik: their roots are undeniably punk, but the way they've evolved, oh, I call that genuine, true art with multifold messages both spirituality- and reality-bound, their sounds reminiscent of the best '60s psychedelic rock, grungey punk rock, native American music (pronounced drums, chanting in some of their songs), and most importantly, our ancient roots of folk music present and underlying all of their new album: the Buddhist philosophy, shamanism, seeking and reaching the freedom of self... When I witness the true art, it gives me chills to the point of sexual arousal, which happened to me for the second time this year (the first was on the morning of 30 January when I got my second-best gift in my life). Hats off. All I can wish for them is to keep journeying further into the brave new world.

Crowdfunding!

As many of you know, we are doing an online crowdfunding for the first time in the history of the Centre, and it happens to be for the Equa...