Monday, June 30, 2014

disability, depression, panic attacks

over the past one and a half months i've been disabled in the worst possible way: depression. it began in march, became worse mid-may onward. i found myself unable to sleep, unable to calm down, some days, two or three days in a row unable to eat, unable to move forward, unable to leave the queries, unable to come to terms with the pain, unable to get up from the bed, unable and unwilling to bathe, unable to clean my messy apartment. there have been some days i feel better, when i manage to function almost like a human being, like an ordinary human being, but most days i am too disabled to face the reality. the only times i calm down are the times i am unconscious, obliterated. there are days that i calm down when all my pain comes pouring as rain. the rest of the time i can't even begin to face the reality. depression episodes are nothing new to me. most of my adolescence i spent depressed, hating my body, hating everything around me, hating myself, hating what i was becoming, hating people who began watching me with that particular sexual hunger in their eyes that made me aware of my body more, and thus contributing to my self-hatred, it all culminating in an attempted suicide at a young age. everyone was shocked at what i had planned and executed in a meticulous way. no one had imagined that a young kid could be in so much pain and thus choose to deal with that pain through an attempt at self-annihilation. thereafter my depressive episodes continued periodically from time to time, at times of crucial, life-altering events that set my life course on diverging paths again and again. lately i've also been getting panic attacks. this morning after 3 hours of sleep i woke up with the feeling of impending doom, palpitating heart, overall weakness and chest pains. everything that has lead to this mental situation has been my own doing, i could hardly blame anyone for my state because i was the one who chose to stay in that space, i am the one who had consciously/unconsciously sabotaged my well-being and the peace of my mind and soul through choosing to stay in the past of the heart's movement, the movement that was denied, seen as nothing by the very human being who evoked them in the first place, the very human being who continued to deny me the decency of a closure, the decency of empathy, the very basic human decency, and thus showed me amply who he was. with all that knowledge, with all these revelations, i am still unable to get over my feelings, killing myself in the process. the fact that sissi's been gone for nearly a month also didn't help at all. when i found out a month and a half ago that i had been crawling up to my apartment on the fifth floor on my knees up the weirdest set of stairs that my old apartment building had with my pants around my ankles, with my jacket all muddy, bawling my eyes out, completely incoherent, i knew i needed help. when someone chooses self-harm of that degree, they are very sick inside. sick to the extent of extreme disability. with my repeating episodes of panic attack, i know that i need a therapist. soon. 

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