Wednesday, June 18, 2014

spaceships, deep space and minute imaging

it's been exactly twenty years since i came to this very location, high school graduation took place in this area, and i was the only one who never drank that night, and i was the only one who noone dared to push to drink. i must've been scary, afterall, a locked-up human being who allowed noone deep inside my world, just outer layers. twelve years ago, i did come to this vicinity to visit a friend whose parents were buildng a house in the airport area. that night i lay alone in the hammoc on the second floor terrace, a loner as usual, unheeding of sounds and laughter downstairs, sounds of life, while i, uncaring, lay gazing into the night sky when i realised that the star i was looking at for awhile appeared to have grown in size, closer, somehow. infinitely intrigued, i continued gazing at it, not even responding to my then-ex who came up to see how i was doing alone on the night terrace, if i was afraid (as if). i didn't bother to point out to her that i was mesmerised by that growing light constant in the same place for an hour or so that has become bigger in front of my very eyes, that it surely must've been a spaceship. the next morning we effectively ended our two year relationship, after witnessing a beautiful dawn together, the last of the several hundreds that we had met and bade farewell to. that summer twelve years ago, unblind, i saw my relationship turn into a pure agony, an endless torture. her cowardly acts, omissions and commissions over which she, of course, agonised, but couldn't help committing, while faced with those i felt annihilated again and again and again. the sleepless nights, literal crawling on the floor picking up dustballs, hair pieces, crumbs of dropped food, from the bedroom to kitchen to corridor to living room to toilet to bathroom. my constant dwelling place was the floor where i lay examining minute things catatonically, or screaming my head off alone in the apartment till neighbours would come knocking at the anguish they heard... i continued to scream. that summer was the longest summer. that summer i travelled in my soul digging deep into the endless well that was me. i began meditating. i gave up smoking for a few months. i ate only vegetarian food that didn't require much cooking, so salads, mostly. at the end, i began dreaming lucidly. the unbearable agony over someone whom i loved so deeply, but whom i knew i would leave, the departure delayed by her guilty begging, by her promises, by her endless promises of better times ahead. i couldn't wait. i never had the time to wait. i had to sever that soul maze between us. every night while she was out with someone else, i examined everything from the beginning till the end, pouring over minute details, letting the past and the future mix into a standstil of thundering flashes of clarity. that night with the spaceship, that morning with the most beautiful dawn and sunrise, the lucid dreams which showed me where i was to go, who i was to meet, what was my purpose in lfe or some part of it, kept me going when i let her go finally. i killed myself, some part of me that summer. it was a necessary murder. years after we parted, when we meet, i still see love, guilt, sorrow in her eyes. mine, i'm sure, just show reflections of the memories we made. nothing was to remain for the sake of my sanity. minute imagining, microscopic examinations, lucid dreams and signs, yes, signs... i'm again killing myself this summer. patterns of repetition, every twelve years, killing a part of my soul that becomes cancerous with love. every time we meet now, her eyes tell a history of what i did right. every time i see her now, i feel her soul flowing with love, but she is no longer relevant. this summer is going to be another longest summer. time to start dreaming lucidly.

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