Thursday, July 31, 2014

брррррррр

"зайлцын, зайл, зайлуул" гэсэн бодол, мэдрэмж бүр яагаад ч салахгүй хэд хонов. хэчнээн барив. хэчнээн дарах гэж хичээв. хэчнээн өөртөө болон тэрэнд үхтлээ гутав. би сайн хүн гэж өөрийгөө боддог. гэхдээ цагаа тулвал өөрийн гэсэн үнэт зүйлсээ хамгаалахын тулд араатан ч болох чадвартай. эцэс төгсгөлгүй доромжлолыг чимээгүй хүлцдэг хүн нь би биш. тэгээд л тэр. өөрийгөө ч гутааж дууссан байх. гэхдээ зүгээр ээ. би эцсийнхээ алхамуудыг гүйцээж төөрдөг байшингийнхаа голд хэдэн хоногийн өмнө хүрсэн. одоо харин алах, алуулах сонголттой суух.

Wednesday, July 30, 2014

шөнө дунд дахиад л сэрэв

сэжгийн, бузар, үхвэл таарах эрчүүд бас их байх юмаа. дур хүслийн эсвэл өвдөлтийн орилооныг ялгадаггүй юм байхдаа?! яаж боов нь боссон хэвээр байдаг байнаa, тэгж их орилж, уйлж байхад?! шөнө дунд "аллаа!" гэж орилох эмэгтэйн дуунаар хэд хэдэн ч удаа энэ хоёр сард сэрэв. бас янаг дуунаар ч олон удаа сэрэв. өчигдөр хоёр залуу "би янхан олоод ирж байхад чи бичиг баримтаа тавьчих нь яадаг юм?" гээд бүр зодолдох нь ээ, энэ буудлын гадаа, хэчнээн санаа зовмоор. янхан авна гэдэг чинь нэг ч их бахархаад байх зүйл биш л баймаарсан. үнэхээр хэн ч тоохгүй, ганц бие, дээр нь бүр хөгширч өвгөрсөн хүн бол бас одоо яая гэхэв, янхан авах л байх. за тэр яахав. сайхнаар бус орилж буй эмэгтэйчүүдийн асуудал: эрчүүд эсвэл хүсэхгүй байгаа эмэгтэйг хүчиндэж байгаа, эсвэл тэр эмэгтэй секс хүссэн ч түүний хүсэхгүй байгаа зүйлийг хийж өвтгөсөн байгаа, шулуун гэдсээр нь хүчиндсэн ч юм уу. биеэ үнэлдэг бол нэгэнт өөрсдөө сонгосон тул яалт ч үгүй янз бүрийн бэлгийн хүсэлтэй, шивэр шивтэр, хир буртагтаа баригдсанж уу, үгүй юу, согтуу юу, солиотой юу нь хамаагүй эрчүүдийн бэлгийн дур хүслийг хангах л ёстой болно. нэгэнт л биеэ үнэлэх замыг сонгосон бол янз бүрийн хүмүүстэй үйлдэх янз бүрийн бэлгийн үйлдэлдээ дасаад чимээгүйхэн үйлдвэл таарна. харин үгүй бол дэндүү том асуудал. за юутай ч намжив. ээ бүү үзэгд гэснээс нээрээ л шулуун гэдсээр хавьтах их өвддөг байх даа. төсөөлөхөд ч бэрх санагдах ч тэнд нь шаах бол бас дажгүй гэсэн мэдрэмжтэй болсон. энэ буудлын хүмүүс ийм юм сонссоор дөжирсөн байдаг шиг би ч удахгүй дөжрөх нь дээ, хөөрхийс.

Tuesday, July 29, 2014

DISGUST - 2

he wakes from his dreams of seesawing shadows and luminous lights. the echoes of his dreams linger in his movements as he gets up from the floor and falls on his bed two steps away from the spot he lay on. he closes his eyes to immerse himself in the dark, sumptuous green, grey and blue... his days are no longer distinguished from his nights: they are shadows of time that seems to have stopped. he no longer cares about its passage. he is now time, firm yet flowing. soft pellets of water come down in a gentle murmur outside, another summer rain. he hears the sounds, smells the earth as it opens up and soaks the moisture in, releasing the odours of life. life... where is his life? how long has he been staying in this hotel room? a savage that he is, he knows only the torn, broken pieces of things inside and out. he could pass for the sanest man if he were to walk out now, but his eyes are deepest wells of thundering pain disguised as tiny flickers of smile. he is an actor par excellance. enough... he walks out, staggering. the dilapidated building he emerges from is dark, old, and full of echoes of dreams the inhabitants are enveloped in. he stares up the skies that are mimicking his endless sorrow. he no longer remembers why. he no longer remembers how. he no longer hopes. wading through the puddles, the rain streaming down his face, he walks the block, coming to face another building that was his home awhile back. he looks up. he waits for the memories to kick in, for the gut-wrenching feeling to begin tearing at his insides. instead, nothing comes. just disgust. he heaves drily, and vomits a trickle of foul bile. his eyes sting and tear at the effort. with the rain coming down harder, he walks on, finally free, finally cleansed, finally at peace.

Monday, July 28, 2014

эвдэрхий, эмтэрсэн зүйлс

эвдэрсэн, эмтэрсэн, хагарсан, хугарсан зүйлсийн сайхныг олж харна гэдэг тэр бүтэн бус зүйлийг байгаагаар нь олж харж буй, бүтэн бус ч бүрэн бус сайхныг нь олж харж буй хэрэг үү? эсвэл эвдэрхий, эмтэрхий, хагархай, хугархай байх тусам надад гоо үзэсгэлэнтэй харагддаг юм болов уу? ийм бяцарсан зүйлс хэзээ нэгэн цагт бүтэн байсан, тэр бүтнийх нь цуурайнууд түүнийг сайхан харагдуулдаг юм болов уу? үнэндээ бүтэн зүйл гэж нэг ч алга. байх ёсгүй ч юм болов уу. хагарах, хугарах тусам жинхэнэ болдог ч юм билүү. хүн амьдралдаа олон удаа хугарч, эмтэрч, эвдэрнэ, ялангуяа сэтгэлээр. цав цагаан байснаа бараантаж булингартсаар тас хар болох зарим бий, тас хар байснаа тас харын зовлонгоос ангижирч, сааралтсаар, гийсээр цагаарна. эмтэрхийнүүдээ элгэндээ тэврээд, бүтэн байсныг нь биш, яг одоо, яг энд энэ хэлтэрхийнүүдээс өөр юу ч байхгүйг дахин харна. баярлана. "ядаж хэлтэрхийнүүд байгаа нь яамай" гэж өөрийгөө тайтгаруулна. өнгөрсөнд эмтэрсэн зүйлс өнөөдрийг минь бий болгож байгаа учир тэдэнд "баярлалаа" гэхээс өөр юу гэхэв.

Thursday, July 24, 2014

DISGUST

he opens his swollen eyes, straining to see through the crust that had formed on his lashes. what time is it? how long has he been asleep? has he slept through the day and is it a night again? the heavy curtains barely let the air or light in, but he can see the air around him is thinner than it was before he blacked out. before he lost himself in the bottomless, dreamless state of catatonic drunkenness, he was crawling on the floor after slipping and falling on his way to his single, narrow bed from a toilet, where he remained, mumbling or moaning wordlessly in turns, writhing and scratching at his legs and arms and surgical scars on his body. he remembered that itch, he wanted to end it, he wished he kept a knife in the house. most words spilling out from his cracked and bleeding lips were pieces and syllables of words he recalled from the world word heavy-weights, engraved on his soul with the force that only a beauty and a death possess. no, it wasn't all the vodka he had consumed that night alone at home (for he stopped getting obliterated outside home after the last time when he hurt himself so badly that he literally couldn't move for a day afterwards, where he lay all day drifting in and out of consciousness and masturbating), it wasn't even the blunt void that has pinched his ribcage, his guts, and even his pulsating rectum where no shit passed in days. he couldn't pinpoint it, despite the fact that it was lodged inside him as well as all around him.

as he watches the moths flying around, he suddenly wishes to be one of these horrible-appearing creatures of the night, terrifyingly alien in their furry ugliness. 'but they are attracted to light, that must be why. maybe i am glowing for them', he flinches every time one comes close brushing his face, all his insides squeezed with a petrifying disgust. and it suddenly hits him that it is not anything else that has been creeping him out the last half a year, that it was but this nauseating, irrational disgust. the concrete disgust that has outgrown its decency and transformed into something that was akin to a quicksilver terror, random execution, headlong in-love amazement. no, it was simply a disgust. mostly, at his own self. disgust. with the innocent but terrifying-looking moths still flying around, he realises that he, too, is a moth, that he will remain a moth all his life, that he will never live in the sun, in the light, that he will always seem the repulsive, hideous creature that dwells in the dark, but who always seeks out and flies towards the illusive lights, all his life. as this insight envelopes him fully, he vomits, passes out, and for the first time in months, he sees a dream, a moth dream of seesawing night forests, valleys and mountain tops...

Tuesday, July 22, 2014

the other

rainy skies, weepy skies, cleansing skies, above all, sad. where is all this sadness coming from? numb i've been since early june, beginning to learn to breathe again, numb as the voracity of air particles continued to assail me while all i wanted was not to stay in the vacuum. numbed, damaged, self-damaging, to the point of a screeching raw broadcast of pain. every passing day i think i feel better, but with every reminder, encounter, i am shocked motionless, the smile a frozen mask of screaming agony over torn pieces of something beautiful that has disappeared, eyes intently gazing into the souls of people, searching, groping for the echoes of the other. the other, who stares back from every passerby's face, their motions, muscle movements compared, and the other remembered, held tight, caressed gently. the other, who lives in my soul, a separate entity from the original version, the one who became mine, the one who became a part of me. the other with whom the peace was made, and love declared, in my heart, never mind the reality. the other whom i forgave everything and thus whose existence, his gift, his soul, his karma, his choices i am grateful for in this weirdest, calmest manner. whose absence in reality i am learning to accept fully. the other.

Monday, July 21, 2014

би зөвхөн...

урсах харц. урссаар. догдлол. тэр бөмбөрийг сонсч байна уу? миний догдлол чинийх уу? чиний догдлол минийх уу? гарын чинь илч, биеийн чинь халуун, зүрхний чинь аянга. халуурах нь. буцлах цэг. нэг хүслээ нөгөөгөөр солих. хайраа алдах. шинээр олох. хайр гэж юу юм, эцсийн эцэст. сүнс сүнсээ хараад таних мэдрэмж намайг хэдэн сая хэсэгт тасдаад хаячихсан. минийх гэх юм үлдээгүй. бүгд дууссан. харц чинь урссаар. гарыг чинь атгаж, зүрхийг чинь сонсъё. биш л дээ... үнэндээ л биш. чамайг зөвхөн эзэмдэхийг хүснэ... үснээс чинь угзарч уруулыг чинь хазъя. хоолойн хөвчнөөс чинь урсах эр хонгор гиншилт агаарын урсгалын чичиргээг арьсаараа мэдрэх. нурууг чинь зөөлөн үнсэнгээ далан дээр чинь хазан, гүрийх үеүдийг чинь долоон хөхөхөд чи яраглан гиншсээр. гиншилт чинь цахилгаанд цохиулах мэт хамаг эд эсийг минь сэрээсээр... чинэрсэн булчин шөрмөс. зөөлөн уулга алдалт. цахрах улайрал.

намайг дагаад яв. надаас бүү ай. би зөвхөн... 

inspiration

homo. homoerotica. homoerotic. homosensual. homosexual. homoerotica. homoerotic. homosensual. homo. homo. homoerotica. homoerotic. homosensual. homosexual. homoerotica. homoerotic. homosensual. homo. homo. homoerotica. homoerotic. homosensual. homosexual. homoerotica. homoerotic. homosensual. homo. homo. homoerotica. homoerotic. homosensual. homosexual. homoerotica. homoerotic. homosensual. homo. homo. homoerotica. homoerotic. homosensual. homosexual. homoerotica. homoerotic. homosensual. homo. homo. homoerotica. homoerotic. homosensual. homosexual. homoerotica. homoerotic. homosensual. homo. homo. homoerotica. homoerotic. homosensual. homosexual. homoerotica. homoerotic. homosensual. homo. homo. homoerotica. homoerotic. homosensual. homosexual. homoerotica. homoerotic. homosensual. homo. homo. homoerotica. homoerotic. homosensual. homosexual. homoerotica. homoerotic. homosensual. homo. homo. homoerotica. homoerotic. homosensual. homosexual. homoerotica. homoerotic. homosensual. homo. homo. homoerotica. homoerotic. homosensual. homosexual. homoerotica. homoerotic. homosensual. homo. homo. homoerotica. homoerotic. homosensual. homosexual. homoerotica. homoerotic. homosensual. homo.

Saturday, July 19, 2014

memory lane: lawcommotion

the strawberry fields growing into a full-fledged uni-based rock festival called lawcommotion where many rock bands were discovered... nearly a lifetime ago, isn't it. how the time flies. before i knew it, i am a middle-aged rocker dude, single, still, still into LGBT rights, my life's mission, and still sick in the heart. the summer of 1996, the strawberry fields, the summer of 1997, lawcommotion. sick to the soul with love, i remember i spent both of these festivals drifting in and out of the crowd, always the loner. the lawcommotion especially stands out as it rained and rained and rained. today the playtime, the biggest live music event in mongolia, begins. ah, soul's delight, music... i have a companion, a puppy, this year. hopefully we will be let on the bus. signing off and out.

Friday, July 18, 2014

Саран дээрх алиалагч | Clown in the Moon

Нулимс минь шидэт сарнайн дэлбээний
Аниргүй урсгал мэт хөврөхөд
Харуусал минь ой тойнд минь буй
Мартагдсан тэнгэр, цасны ан цаваар хуйлрана.

Газарт хүрэх л юм бол
Нурна даа гэж би бодно.
Чимчигнэн буй зүүд шиг тэр
Хэчнээн гунигтай, үзэсгэлэнтэй.

Дилан Томас
(орчуулав)

***

My tears are like the quiet drift
Of petals from some magic rose; 
And all my grief flows from the rift 
Of unremembered skies and snows. 

I think, that if I touched the earth, 
It would crumble; 
It is so sad and beautiful, 
So tremulously like a dream.

Dylan Thomas

Wednesday, July 16, 2014

Keep away, all ye scaredy little souls!

Keep away, all ye scaredy little souls! Because the history is being made. It is right now in the making. If you don't have enough guts to be the maker of the history right beside me, off you go. Off you go and out you go. September, HERE I COME! What's in September? Well, Pride, first of all. Second, my surgeries, two, in fact, hopefully. Third... well, that you will just have to wait and see. Unbearable lightness of being, giant, humongous, ginormous! 

Tuesday, July 15, 2014

"I am gay, mother"

As I've written an Nth number of times in my blog, my transition heralded in an era of soul transition, if you will. Soul confusion, whatever. Ultimately, of course, it is not a confusion, but karma, solely a matter of karma. Since I remember myself, all I fell for were women. Falling for women meant not only appreciating their obvious beauty, but also being sexually attracted to them, to want to possess them sexually. Since my transition... My sexual orientation has become a little too complicated and complex to define, but it is nothing new, apparently, hearing other trans people. I had to battle, question and swim in my gloom and doom for nearly a year before I decided to accept my soul movements toward men, some men as I still do not find straight men attractive at all. Since my family only knew me as a gynophiliac (someone who is sexually, emotionally and mentally attracted to women and women only), with my sister abusing me verbally and throwing me out of home last year when I came out to her to have developed gay male feelings since my transition, I was simply terrified to open up to my mother about this now very intrinsic part of my being. After a due process of thought and consideration as well as strategisation, I came out to her during the Naadam, telling her about the last two soul affairs I've had since November 2011, and she took it all. She took it all without questioning, but she, again, ever again, was simply worried about my safety and welfare. Anyway. Feels absolutely good to be finally able to talk to the most important person in my life about the whole gamut of feelings and experiences that make me me. When (highly unlikely here in Mongolia) I finally get a boyfriend - and it is going to be a boyfriend, I am fairly sure - I can proudly present him to my mother as my partner. I remember the times nearly twenty years ago when she questioned my love for women "Oh, but you never had a boyfriend, how do you know you only like women?" The same way I know now that I like men even though I never had a boyfriend. Yet. 

insanest | sanest

the last four and a half months have been quite possibly the most insane months in my life. i am just about quite detached enough to see everything for what it has all been about. a lot of crawling. a lot of processing. a lot of pain. ultimately, a lot of gratitude without wanting to stay there, but nonetheless the full acknowledgment is here. affirmations. the directions that i've been going in firming up. attachments. insane feelings finally loosening up. final dots to the "i"s. gratitude, above everything else. forgiveness. of myself crawling and bawling my eyes out and acting towards someone in ways that were unacceptable (hey but i was only saying what was eating me). final hallelujahs that, i deeply hope, will usher in a new era of my spiritual and bodily existence. insanest period leading to sanest choices. amen.

Monday, July 14, 2014

таслал, цэг, анхаарлын тэмдэг

таслал, цэг, анхаарлын тэмдэг
цэг, таслал, асуултын тэмдэг
асуулт, цэг цэг цэг, анхаарлын тэмдэг

цэг

анхаарлын тэмдэг


цэг



цэг




цэг 





цэг

Monday, July 7, 2014

deluge

deluge... the tropical downpour for hours on end. finally. soothe me. sway me. the frail bird, the mysterious eye-headed dragonfly, the hounded soul trapped in an alien body. rest me. keep me safe. i am about to fly away...

тайтгарал

дусал бүр амиа хорлохдоо газарлуу шаах
                                                                                   тайтгарал
дундаршгүй санагдах бүгд дуусахыг сануулах
                                                                                   тайтгарал
сэтгэлийн уяа солиорлыг будах өнгө хөгжим
                                                                                   тайтгарал
зөвхөн зүүд, зөвхөн зүүд, зүгээр л зүүд
                                                                                   тайтгарал

2014/07/07

***

орилох чимээ тасран тархины гүнд улих.
ороох, ээрэх бодлууд биеийг шаналган
онгорхой нүх сүв бүрээр гадагшилж
огторгуйруу дуудах тэр л сэвэлзээн
огших зүрхийг золиосонд хориход...

нэг
хоёр
гурав
дөрөв
тав
зургаа
долоо
                       тавь

ондоог олохгүйгээс хойш
өөрөө...
2014/07/07

Friday, July 4, 2014

depressing, truly

i sat watching a korean gay movie tonight, just because i want to see others' lenses of how they see the world, the gay male world, i.e., and experience it vicariously (since i am coming to terms with the fact that despite my firm belonging there with my emotions, my feelings and last two soul affairs, i am never going to be accepted there because - oh horror of the horrors - i am a transman). "how bloody depressing" is all i thought. i don't do the depressing. i live, as much as possible, in the present. what that present implies has been a little murky since my past has lingered on since mid-december into the now. the more i dissect intellectually, the surer i am that i must get out of this murky, muddy space of being somewhere where i don't belong. it's not me. not my world. i AM really the light, but the world i encountered there appears to be all too dark, or at least, it imagines itself to be all too dark, never seeing the reality, the beauty, the symphony, the bright light. if only it lets itself be, truly. but all i can feel are waves of magnetic black-hole rays from there. it's TIME to leave it behind. i WILL leave it behind. even if i have to kill myself, figuratively, i will. all i've done is to immerse myself there, all it gave me was a freezing, black vacuum. i am starved for air, light, movement. am starved for my old self that stayed happy even in the times of seeming hopelessness (because everything was at least made CLEAR), even in the times of miserable broken-heartedness (because it was at least ARTICULATED honestly) giving me a space to move ahead. i'd been hanged in the middle of nowhereland, the wonderland of hallucinations, manipulations, dishonesty and craziness. i so don't do that. i am too much of a realist, in a way, i realise. it has all been dawning on me little by little, night after night, a therapy session after another (all-suffering friends!). cacophony... distortion... denial... pain... agony... laser beams cutting through my soul shredding it into an unknown semblance of me, an image in a broken mirror... so much hatred and blindness in this world, so little love. i choose love, love, love, again, and again, and again. what i have experienced had by now become more than love that must be left, cut off, burnt and turned into ashes. all i've done is to love. all i've gotten in return is a soul-chilling inhuman treatment where all i felt from there was... nothing. so this one-sided love must die. once and for all. this PAIN must end.

Tuesday, July 1, 2014

ЗАЛБИРАЛ | МОЛИТВА

Дэлхий эргэсээр цагт,
                       гэгээ цацарсаар үед,
Бурхан минь, хүн бүрт
                       түүнд байхгүйг нь өгөөч:
Цэцэнд толгой,
                       хульчгарт морь,
Жаргалтайд мөнгө...
                       Бас нмайг бүү мартаач.

Дэлхий эргэсээр цагт -
                      бурхан минь, тааллаар чинь л болог! -
Эрх мэдэлд шунахайрагчид
                      элийртлээ тэрийгээ эдлэг,
Өглөгч хүн өдрийг бартал
                      өөдөсхөн ч гэсэн амраг,
Каин харин гэмшиг...
                      Бас намайг бүү мартаач.

Мэднэ, чи бүгдийг чадна:
                      алуулсан цэрэг
Диваажинд амьдарч байгаадаа итгэх шиг,
                      анир ярианд чинь
Чих бүр автдаг шиг,
                      итгэсэн ч
Үйлээ мэдэхгүй бид үйлдсээр шиг
                      агууд чинь би итгэнэм.

Бурхан минь, ногоон нүдэн минь,
                      энэ л дэлхий эргэсээр цагт,
Өөрт нь сонин санагдах ч
                       гал дөл, цаг хугацаа байх цагт
Энэ л эргэлтүүд
                      хангалттай.
Бүгдэд багахан өгөөч...
                      Бас намайг бүү мартаач.

Булат Окуджава

***
Пока Земля еще вертится, 
                       пока еще ярок свет, 
Господи, дай же ты каждому, 
                       чего у него нет: 
мудрому дай голову, 
                       трусливому дай коня, 
дай счастливому денег... 
                       И не забудь про меня. 

Пока Земля еще вертится — 
                       Господи, твоя власть!— 
дай рвущемуся к власти 
                       навластвоваться всласть, 
дай передышку щедрому, 
                       хоть до исхода дня. 
Каину дай раскаяние... 
                        И не забудь про меня. 
 
Я знаю: ты все умеешь, 
                        я верую в мудрость твою, 
как верит солдат убитый, 
                        что он проживает в раю, 
как верит каждое ухо 
                        тихим речам твоим, 
как веруем и мы сами, 
                        не ведая, что творим! 

Господи мой Боже, 
                        зеленоглазый мой! 
Пока Земля еще вертится, 
                         и это ей странно самой, 
пока ей еще хватает 
                         времени и огня, 
дай же ты всем понемногу... 
                         И не забудь про меня.
Булат Окуджава

Crowdfunding!

As many of you know, we are doing an online crowdfunding for the first time in the history of the Centre, and it happens to be for the Equa...