Friday, July 4, 2014

depressing, truly

i sat watching a korean gay movie tonight, just because i want to see others' lenses of how they see the world, the gay male world, i.e., and experience it vicariously (since i am coming to terms with the fact that despite my firm belonging there with my emotions, my feelings and last two soul affairs, i am never going to be accepted there because - oh horror of the horrors - i am a transman). "how bloody depressing" is all i thought. i don't do the depressing. i live, as much as possible, in the present. what that present implies has been a little murky since my past has lingered on since mid-december into the now. the more i dissect intellectually, the surer i am that i must get out of this murky, muddy space of being somewhere where i don't belong. it's not me. not my world. i AM really the light, but the world i encountered there appears to be all too dark, or at least, it imagines itself to be all too dark, never seeing the reality, the beauty, the symphony, the bright light. if only it lets itself be, truly. but all i can feel are waves of magnetic black-hole rays from there. it's TIME to leave it behind. i WILL leave it behind. even if i have to kill myself, figuratively, i will. all i've done is to immerse myself there, all it gave me was a freezing, black vacuum. i am starved for air, light, movement. am starved for my old self that stayed happy even in the times of seeming hopelessness (because everything was at least made CLEAR), even in the times of miserable broken-heartedness (because it was at least ARTICULATED honestly) giving me a space to move ahead. i'd been hanged in the middle of nowhereland, the wonderland of hallucinations, manipulations, dishonesty and craziness. i so don't do that. i am too much of a realist, in a way, i realise. it has all been dawning on me little by little, night after night, a therapy session after another (all-suffering friends!). cacophony... distortion... denial... pain... agony... laser beams cutting through my soul shredding it into an unknown semblance of me, an image in a broken mirror... so much hatred and blindness in this world, so little love. i choose love, love, love, again, and again, and again. what i have experienced had by now become more than love that must be left, cut off, burnt and turned into ashes. all i've done is to love. all i've gotten in return is a soul-chilling inhuman treatment where all i felt from there was... nothing. so this one-sided love must die. once and for all. this PAIN must end.

No comments:

Post a Comment

Бусдын эрхэд халдсан утга агуулга бүхий комментуудыг хэвлэхгүй болно.

put on a face

put on a face                      a brave face, a dead face put on a face and go. put on a face                       a kind face, a br...