Tuesday, July 15, 2014

"I am gay, mother"

As I've written an Nth number of times in my blog, my transition heralded in an era of soul transition, if you will. Soul confusion, whatever. Ultimately, of course, it is not a confusion, but karma, solely a matter of karma. Since I remember myself, all I fell for were women. Falling for women meant not only appreciating their obvious beauty, but also being sexually attracted to them, to want to possess them sexually. Since my transition... My sexual orientation has become a little too complicated and complex to define, but it is nothing new, apparently, hearing other trans people. I had to battle, question and swim in my gloom and doom for nearly a year before I decided to accept my soul movements toward men, some men as I still do not find straight men attractive at all. Since my family only knew me as a gynophiliac (someone who is sexually, emotionally and mentally attracted to women and women only), with my sister abusing me verbally and throwing me out of home last year when I came out to her to have developed gay male feelings since my transition, I was simply terrified to open up to my mother about this now very intrinsic part of my being. After a due process of thought and consideration as well as strategisation, I came out to her during the Naadam, telling her about the last two soul affairs I've had since November 2011, and she took it all. She took it all without questioning, but she, again, ever again, was simply worried about my safety and welfare. Anyway. Feels absolutely good to be finally able to talk to the most important person in my life about the whole gamut of feelings and experiences that make me me. When (highly unlikely here in Mongolia) I finally get a boyfriend - and it is going to be a boyfriend, I am fairly sure - I can proudly present him to my mother as my partner. I remember the times nearly twenty years ago when she questioned my love for women "Oh, but you never had a boyfriend, how do you know you only like women?" The same way I know now that I like men even though I never had a boyfriend. Yet. 

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