Tuesday, August 12, 2014

karma files, not mine

twenty four hours of celebration. obsession. for the Nth time. over my boy with flowers in his hair. who has left my life. a long, long, long, but truly short time ago. five months of soul-crawling petrification, distance, blood. getting real, coming to terms, accepting the situation has taken this long, but i can't not but quip today, on your birthday, despite everything, despite every single little thing that brought me here, now: "thank you for you. thank god. thank you for being born when you were born. thank god. thank you for being born from who you were born from. thank god, thank you, your mother, your father. thank you for having become the giant that you are now, a collector of souls. thank you for having been in my life. thank you for being there, not being there when i needed you most. thank you for having entered my life before physically looming in. thank you for leaving it as you did, the callous, the mute, the blind." as i had been celebrating you most every minute during the past twenty four hours, missing you, caressing you from a thousand miles away, i wish nothing but for you to be happy. to know that you are loved. deeply, wholly, despite everything. that you always had a home with me, but no more. that you will always have a home, somewhere with someone who will see you as i saw you, but who will offer you what you thought i couldn't offer you. you are good. despite your soul-shrinking ugliness, you are beautiful, good deep, deep, deep down. thank god for you... when you see your pains for what they were leading you towards, the only thing you will say is "hallelujah!" may that day come to you. may you bless this day as much as i bless my day of coming to suffer on this earth. to suffer and to know. may you finally see. may you finally accept. may you be your truest self.

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