Tuesday, September 30, 2014

___________хүнэнцэр___________

зайлцын. одоо хангалттай. бүрмөсөн туйлын эцсийн цэг өчигдөр тавигдсан. хүн шиг байх тусам хүн бус авирладаг хүнэнцрүүдээс зайгаа барих л хамгийн зөв сонголт. хэзээ ч дахин харьцахгүй. эцсийн дуслыг өчигдөр барав. хангалттай. хүн бишийг чинь харлаа, мэдэрлээ, олон сар зүдэрлээ. дахин надтай хэзээ ч бүү холбогд. холбогдсон тохиолдолд доромжлолоос өөр хариу өгөхгүй.

Monday, September 29, 2014

potentiality vs reality

just as i am now ridding myself of people who can never be honest. or truthful. or brave. for them nothing is sacred. if nothing is sacred, they are not sacred themselves. even if they are - everyone is sacred in my deep belief, it's just a matter of whether they see it or not - they can never be conscious of that sacredness in them, which leaves them with an unfulfilled potential. a potential is not a reality. that's all. that's all there is to it.

one day, soon

i will bring someone, again, to meet mom, again. she or he will be someone that i admire deeply, love endlessly and desire without reservations, and she will go "ah, finally! very good to meet you. heard so much about you!" for years she wondered about the limitlessness of my heart every time i fell in love as insanely as i do, and brought them to meet her. i never let her down, falling in love with the beauty of people and bringing them to meet her early on in our relationship so she could see for herself the beautiful diversity of womankind that managed to touch my soul and get under my skin. under my skin... till then, till such time i bring someone to meet her again, for a few more years as it's been for the past nearly four years, she will meet no significant other of mine. definitely not while i'm here, it's well understood. no romantic/intellectual/sexual relationship to speak of in the past several years to warrant to meet the beautiful soul that my mother is. no one has been there in my life who was in love with me as i was in love with them, all one-sided diseases of my soul. mother no longer asks when i'm getting coupled. this summer i told her about the last two soul affairs of the last three years, the discovery of my gay emotions with trepidation of rejection for i had felt that rejection on many levels from many people. she never judged. she listened, carefully. she was perplexed. then, again, so was i at the time i fell in love with a guy with all the sexual feelings properly, the first time. i am no longer perplexed, it's just a part of me, now fully accepted, an indelible, integral part of me to stay.

Sunday, September 28, 2014

үнс тэврэх

шатсаар. түлэгдсээр... хагас дутуу уугих. шүүрэх. чад пад...
бор хүрэн саарал...
үнс тэврэх ямар вэ? 

түрүүхэн л шатаж байсан, зөвхөн халуун байсан одоо үлээх төдийд сарнин нисэх, үгүйд шингэхэд бэлэн биегүй үзэгдэл болсон зүйлийг тэврэх?...

Thursday, September 25, 2014

"this is the end, beautiful friend, the end"

just a hint, just a reminder (the fact that i am still there in my mind, if not in my heart, makes all the difference...) and i am so angry. at myself. solely and only at myself. for not having seen the signs, the glaring, the truth. i guess nothing could've prepared me, after all. not all my lifetimes. not all my experiences. still, angry. at myself. when i calm down, i will be a different man, a different... being. the journeys of the heart coming to their natural end. the journeys that start and end. in the unlikeliest of places. the limits of the heart tested, found to be limitless, rejected, left behind, resurrected to only remind self of the pain. no need for that any more. peace and love is all i want. if i can't get love, then at least, peace. control... control to keep it all peaceful. at any cost. no more upheavals. no more flowing. not after nearly three years of non-peace, semi-love, un-acceptance. i have decided to give it all up. give up trying. another year and a half, i know where i will reside, so clear. and even if there is a change in the external circumstances, it will never be enough. unless and until...

Tuesday, September 23, 2014

Тэгш эрх, бахархалын өдрүүд - 2014

Мэдрэл муудаж, багаараа, дэмжигч, сайн дурын ажилтнуудтайгаа солиорцгоосон өдрүүд байв, хөөрхий, бэлтгэл хангах хэсэг. 9-р сарын 19-ний орой "Тэгш эрх, бахархалын өдрүүд" маань эхэлсэн тул одоо төлөвлөгөөт ажлуудаа тайвуу айвуу дуусгаад дараа дараагийн ажлуудаа хэрэгжүүлэх цаг тулаад ирчихэж. Дараагийн ажлууд гэсэн хоёр ч том судалгааны төсөл, нэг судалгааны бус төсөл боловсруулах, нэг төслийн хэрэгжүүлэлтрүү орох, өөр нэг төслөө хэрэгжүүлж дуусгах гээд. Хэчнээн хөтөлбөрийн менежерүүдийн үүрэг ч бас сайн чиглүүлнэ гэдэг хааяа хамтдаа бүх зүйлсээ хийхийг хэлдэг, ялангуяа ажилтнууд маань ийм төрлийн зүйл гардаж хийж үзээгүй тохиолдолд. 

Хамгийн чухал нь бодоод байсан чинь яалт ч үгүй л хагалгаа... Хагалгааны мөнгөөрөө Сан-Франциско 12 сард орж 2 долоо хоног амрах билетээ захисан ч одоогийн байдлаар явах үгүй тодорхойгүй учир нь тэгш эрх, бахархалын өдрүүдийн зардалд хангалттай хөрөнгө босгож чадаагүй тул хагалгаа эсвэл өвөл далай дээр амрах амралтандаа зориулж хадгалж байсан хувийнхаа хадгаламжруу орохоос өөр аргагүй болсон. За тэгээд тархи эрүүл, ажлаа хийх чадвартай байхад болох л байлгүй. Сан-Франциско орж өөртөө итгэлтэй байдлаа эргүүлж олох ч лөөлөө ч болж магад, энэ байдлаараа. Ямартаа ч "Тэгш эрх, бахархалын өдрүүд" үргэлжилсээр, үнэхээр саак болж байгаа. ЛГБТ хүмүүсийг ойлгодоггүй хүмүүс байдаг ч бачим орилооноороо л дэмжигсдээс ялгаатай гэж харсан хххэхэ. ЛГБТ эрхийг дэмжигсэд бол ганц хоёр жинтэй юм хэлчээд сууж байх жишээтэй. 

Бахархалын парти дээр цэнхэр урсгал харцтай залуутай танилцав. Ядаж байхад ямар ч ялдам инээмсэглэдэг юм. Гадаа баахан ярьж байгаад орж ирээд, явахынхаа алдад над дээр ирээд "Бодож байгаагаас чинь илүү чамайг танина" гэдэг юм. За ямар ч байсан дахиад тааралдах л байлгүй. Тэр харц, тэр үг бол над шиг эрхтэн дутуу, хөгжлийн бэрхшээлтэй мэт хүнийг бүрэн хүлээн зөвшөөрдөг харц, үг байсан. Тийм гей залуучууд Монголд үзээд өгье гэсэн ч ганц нэгээс ер хэтрэхгүй. Баруунд бол арай л өөр л дөө. 

Sunday, September 14, 2014

farther from time

i broke you, but you are whole, still. i cut you, but you are whole, unharmed. i left you, but you're still here, going nowhere. i am so far. far. far. yet near. but farther, always farther from time because time is just something in our heads, manifesting at stoppages. "WE", stopped. you ground me into minuscule pieces, all of me disintegrating into nothing till there was just one point of existence left - you.

gone. going. gone. going. gone...but  not quite. immobile. stone-like.

unmoved. 

flow.

now is eternity. eternity is now.

choices, intellectualisation, bareness of feelings. gone, done. inability to leave. to hang. to hope after nothing.

i should've left you when i could. which was never. 

Thursday, September 11, 2014

Underneath the marrow

Underneath, there is pain, always. Underneath, there is an incessant silent howl of thousands cries. Underneath, there is a bottomless yearning that hits below the belt, no breath is left. Underneath, there is a sinking stomach full of eaten words, unexpressed, rotting, putrid, a frozen nausea of endless tears, tearing, tearing... Underneath, a ravine of never-melting icicles that stab. Underneath, a sickly death of gently patterned webs, bleached into nothingness.

Wednesday, September 10, 2014

SCREAMING UNHEARD

So the team's been working, working hard on getting the Equality and Pride Days off its concept and into realisation. Seeking corporate sponsorship ended in a full fiasco as none of the biggest companies and corporations in Mongolia came about and supported the fact that we, LGBT folk, also constitute their consumers, their very specific subset of consumers. Even the foreign companies never responded, even the ones that have sophisticated corporate social responsibility programs (honestly, not many of those are around as the corporate social responsibility appears to only be a thing of distributing presents to children on Mother and Child Day, mostly). What compounds it all is that after a month of negotiations with various cultural spaces, we were denied access to them, whether private or public (meaning the spaces that run on our, taxpayers' monies). And it opened a huge can of worms for me: till what day and age are we supposed to be happy with the scraps we are given as a community with very specific needs and realities?! How come, after many meetings with over thirty five companies with multi billion turnover a month, we have to end up begging friends and families for the funds that are still lacking?! How come, after all my life as a tax-paying adult, I am now scratching my head and howling at the inaccessibility of public spaces that we so readily should be able to utilise to spread the human rights message of equal rights and dignity of everyone regardless of sexual orientation and gender identity?! How come, even after meeting with the like-minded, critically-oriented 'outsiders' to the common disease of the humanity, we are at the point of possibly having to call off the whole thing because none of the public or private cultural institutions are ready to spread the message of equality?! I can't begin to express all that's boiling inside... All I want to say is "Shame on you!" to all the people who had promised the spaces and went back on their honour. All I want to say is "We will keep fighting till we are heard and seen just as we are, beautiful in our diverse humanity." 

Coming home tonight I, for the Nth time since my appointment with the Centre in February this year, thought of my ex-wife who was my right hand, left brain and the mastermind of everything good and wicked, too. If I were coming home to someone I loved, all this would've been a piffle. We would sit, strategise and come up with even greater ideas of getting the world see and hear us. Coming through the door tonight, I called out to my new cat, Lucy the annoyingly talkative pussycat who deigns to answer only when she feels like it, unlike Sissi who would simply be rolling on the floor purring with the pleasure of having me back home to rub his fat tummy... Ah, the lonesome times! Ah, the great year of troublesome, messy heart affair! Ah, the joys and tribulations!... Not ready to give up, oh, no. Tomorrow is another day. And another. And another. You can knock me around, but you can't ever knock me down, at least, not for long.

Sunday, September 7, 2014

Heavyweight

For the Nth time in my life I'd gone down on my knees to only be kicked in the face. And what of it?! Just makes me more determined than ever. I have mooned away most of this year, living in the past, living in the afterglow, but enough. The reality is hitting hard. Hitting harder than ever before. Hitting so hard and driving the point home that I had left some things hanging, things that should've never been left hanging. No matter how insanely I fall in love, it ain't no excuse for not pulling my weight. The heavyweight didn't pull his traditional 150% this year. So much wasted time, energy, all for the feelings that left me gutted, vaporised and near dead at the end. No more being gutted. No more being seen as nothing. I am manning up! Say hello to the dude who is in control of his life, for good.

Wednesday, September 3, 2014

grant me patience, resilience, and will power

grant me patience, grant me peace, grant me will power to keep walking upright. grant me resilience, grant me strength, grant me calm, grant me, oh grant me all that i am lacking, grant me acceptance, grant me mercy, grant me oblivion. may tomorrow bring all that i am lacking. may my heart rest in peace.

Crowdfunding!

As many of you know, we are doing an online crowdfunding for the first time in the history of the Centre, and it happens to be for the Equa...