Monday, October 27, 2014

хэвтээ нь босоо, босоо нь хэвтээ

а: сайн байна уу. юу хүлээж байгаа юм бэ?
х: юу ч биш. уначихаад босмооргүй санагдаад хэвтэж тэнгэр ширтсээр уйдаад, тэгээд босч суугаад, суусаар уйдаад доош харж хэсэг хэвтсэн ч босмооргүй санагдаад газар холбирч байгаа нь энэ.
а: яагаад суугаагаа, хэвтээгээ мэдэхгүй ч суусаар. чи эхлээд унасандаа шаралхаад гүрийхээр шийдсэн юм уу? угаасаа чи босоо байгаагүй, яг наад суугаа байдал чинь чиний босоо байдал ч юм билүү? чи унасан гэдэгтээ итгэлтэй байна уу?
х: чи ямар олон долоон юм асуудаг юм? хэн болоод хүмүүсийн дотрыг янз бүрийн тэнэг асуултаараа онгичиж болно гэж бодоов? миний хэвтээ, босоо, мөлхөө чамд хамаагүй. ирсэн замаараа явж буй газарлуугаа явсан чинь өлзийтэй шүү. чамд хариулмааргүй, чамтай ярьмааргүй байна. явж үз.
а: уучлаарай, ихэнхдээ хүмүүс миний асуултуудыг сөргөөр хүлээж авдаггүй ч чи нээрээ л унасан бололтой.
х: явж үз. солиотой юм уу, чи? хэвтэж байгаа хүнээр тохуурхмаар байна уу?
а: би асуулт асуухын тулд, өөрийнхөө мэдэж, мэдэрч буй зүйлсийг баталгаажуулахын тулд аялдаг ийм нэгэн аялагч. чи миний зам дээр хэвтээ таарсан. ихэнх хүмүүс уул нь босоогоороо таардаг ч хэвтээ таарсан учир ингээд чамайг ээрээд байна. хэрэв чи миний замд таараагүйсэн бол би чамаас юм асуухгүй, чи миний асуултанд хариулах албагүй байх байсан. одоо ч хариулах албагүй. гэхдээ би асуух зүйлсээ асууж байж, бүх хариултыг сонсч байж эндээс явах учир сониуч занг минь өршөө. хоёулаа хэсэг л ярилцъя. тэртээ тэргүй чи хэвтэхээс өөр зүйл хийгээгүй л байнадаг.
х: тэр нь тийм. гэхдээ чамд хариулахгүй гэж болно гэж чи өөрөө хэлснээ санаарай. хүссэнээ асуу.
а: чи түрүүн унасан гэсэн. яг унасан юм уу? хүн унагаасан юм уу? эсвэл юмнаас өнхрөө юу? хаанаас өнхрөөв?
х: айн гээд уун гэж бай. би бас чамтай адил аялагч. чамаас ялгаатай нь асуулт асуухын тулд аялдаг хүн биш. эхэндээ би яах гэж аялж байгаагаа мэддэг байсан ч, цаг хугацаа өнгөрөх тусам тэр анхдагч зорилго мартагдсан. гэсэн ч анхдагч зорилгоос илүү сонирхолтой байсан учир аялсаар л. олон жил энэ замаар аялсан даа. заримдаа замын нэг газар ирээд эхлэлрүү дахин буцах хэрэг гарна. буцаад л аялна, эхлэл цэгтээ очно. тэгээд дахин аян замд гарна. нэг л зам, нэг л харгуйг олон янзаар туулахыг өдөр болгон мэдэрнэ. энэ удаад би үнэхээр өөрөө унасан. өмнө нь хүмүүс намайг явган, мориноос, тэрэгнээс унагаж байсан удаа цөөнгүй л байв. харин энэ удаа би өөрөө сонгож унасан.
а: чиний духнаас чинь цус гараад тав болоод тогтож. өвдөж шаналах өөр зүйл алга уу? би чамайг ойрхон хотруу үүрч хүргэж өгч болно шүү.
х: чи тааралдсан хүн болгоноо ингэж өрөвдөөд байдаг уу? адгийн алуурчин шархадсан мэт жүжиглээд хэвтэж байвал чи өрөвдөж үүрч яваад алуулах хүн байна даа.
а: за өрөвддөг гэхээс илүү ямар хүн, яагаад ийм тийм бодол агуулдаг гэдгийг нь л мэдэх сониуч хүн. би чинь асуугч шүү дээ.
х: уналт. чиний эхний асуултруу эргэж очьё. би аялаад л, эцсийн зорилго, хүрэх цэг, очих газаргүй мэт л энэ л замаараа өгсөн уруудан олон жил аялахдаа үүнээс өөр зам байгаа болов уу гэж өөрөөсөө мөн олон удаа асуусансан. нээрээ үүнээс өөр зам байдаг уу?
а: үүнээс өөр зам байхгүй. энэ зам бол цор ганц зам.
х: тийм ч биз. байсан бол түүгээр нь аль хэдийн яваад эргээд ирсэн, эсвэл дахин хэзээ ч эргэж ирэхгүйгээр төөрсөн байх байсан биз. өөр зам үгүй бол өдөр, орой, шөнө, өглөө л өөр болохоос энэ л зам, энэ л харгуй. учрах элдэв сонин сайхан, хүмүүс, ан амьтан хүртэл сүүлдээ давтагдмал санагдаад ядраад... ядрах хэрнээ "урагш явах ёстой" гэсэн бодолдоо дарамтлагдаад эхэлснээ би ойлгосон. тэгээд л унаж явсан мориноосоо өнхөрч унаад тэр чигтээ энд хэвтэж байна. морь нэлээд олон хоног миний хажууд идээшилсэн ч сүүлдээ эмээл бүүргийг нь суллахад нутагруугаа давхих шиг болсон.
а: чи тэгээд одоо эндээсээ хөдлөхгүй юу?
х: хүсвэл хөдөлнө. одоохондоо хүсэхгүй л байна. тэр болтол эндээ хаашаа ч яарах шаардлагагүй, хэн ч намайг хүлээгээгүй орон зайд ганцаар... хэзээ л бол хэзээ нүдээ аниад эргээд нээхэд минь бүх зүйл миний л замын үргэлжлэл. өөр хэнийх ч биш. энэ л чухал бололтой.
а: энэ л чухал гэдгийг чи яаж мэдэж байгаа юм? чамд тавьж явууламгүй үнэт зүйлс, хүмүүс байгаагүй гэж үү? дахин хэзээ ч харахгүй гэхээр зүрх чинь шимширч, сүнс чинь агшиж, амьсгал чинь боогддог хүмүүс байхгүй гэж үү?
х: байсаан. одоо ч байгаа. олон ч байсан. байсаар ч байх болно. гэхдээ яг одоогоор бүгдээс салах энэ хэвтээ мэдрэмж л сайхан байна. хэвтээ учир хүмүүс намайг хүн ч гэж тоохгүй байх нь их. амар. бараг л тэр нь дээр. намайг хэвтээ мөртлөө үнэндээ босоогоос илүү босоо гэдгийг олж харах хүмүүс амьдралд минь ганц нэгээр чам шиг орж ирэхийг нь хараад л, ажиглаад л сууж байна. 
а: хэвтээ мөртлөө энэ чинь чиний босоо... магад бас миний босоо. чамайг анх хараад хэвтээ чинь босоо юм уу гэж яагаад асууснаа мартаж. чи дэндүү өөртөө сэтгэл хангалуун, баяр хөөртэй, аз жаргалтай харагдсан учир тэр байх. 
х: чиний хэвтээ миний босоо, эсвэл миний хэвтээ байхыг хэн ч мэдэхгүй. чи л мэднэ. харин миний хэвтээ бол миний цор ганц босоо.

Friday, October 24, 2014

winter break plans

sanfran? amsterdam? berlin? i am fluxing between the possible queer capitals of the world that i am yet to see. let's see how these new options work out. can't wait to find myself in trans-friendly and trans-positive spaces where people will not be as disgusted as they are here about even kissing a transman such as myself. this disgust's doing incredible things to my soul. chilling it, freezing it. aren't i a human, too?! apparently, not according to my crushes or love interests. bleak, bleak, bleak!...

Thursday, October 23, 2014

i don't live there anymore

"do you remember?"

the stale cool air wrapped around the ankles. the silky sheets, two coloured, soft on the skin of my torso and the arms that encircle it. the unknown smells mixing with all too familiar, the forgotten sounds in the depth of the night, the space and time confused... the lingering ghost of your incredible fragrance, a little too heady, a little too shocking to the senses then, now only a mental echo of its original sensual imprint. my cat's gentle purrs imperceptibly shaking the duvet, a low-voiced content, and me, lost in the reverie of that content. the content, the satisfaction, the happiness.

"do you remember?"

far, far, far away i drift. into the past. the past that's also the future because the past of the heart's true movement is surely to stay with me as they have all. nothing disappears. nothing is forgotten. nothing is taken for granted. the gentle caresses of disembodied voices drifting me from one scene to another. take me where you will.

"do you remember?"

nothing is to uproot this feeling of being rooted in nothing. rooted in the air, i grow. rooted in the impermanence, i glow.

"do you remember?"

how could i forget? why would i, should i? how does one forget something that's become a part and parcel of one's entire being, something that's so intrinsically intimate and undeniably my own now? just because i no longer hurt, it doesn't mean that it is forgotten. the pain, the agony is not the sole indicator for life. one day, though, i will no longer remember. what shame! what waste!... but on autumn days like the past few, all i've been thinking is you. it didn't help that i was in the vicinity of the area where you left your mark at the beginning of the year. every time i walked out during the breaks to have a cigarette, i stood gazing into the soft skies and remembering that evening i walked to see you and bring you coffee, remembering, remembering, remembering you. your eyes. your lit-up eyes. your gentle but strong hands hiding your face while smiling that smile only you have. your raven hair, long then. your soul-shredding softest smile. your beautifully flawed speech. your tortured ugliness of the purest soul that knew nothing but pain. 

i remember. how could i not. i just don't live there anymore.

Wednesday, October 22, 2014

ready to move on again

ready to move on again. the last couple of weeks, the sort of unsure simmering of the heart showed me that i am more than ready to move on again onto other territories of the heart and soul. it has gotta be great. it has gotta be good. it has gotta be exceptional. not now, not right now, but it will be, soon, somewhere with someone extraordinarily special. signing off with a big smile and gratitude for the human warmth that i had mistaken for something more.

Tuesday, October 21, 2014

... сонс... сана...

мэдрэх...

хүсэх...

хүрэх...

үнэрлэх...

амтлах...

үгүй болох хэрнээ буйн тарчлаан. байсаар мөртлөө бутрахын гайхамшиг. дахин дахин дахин дахин дахин............ байгаа. байсаар байх энэ мэдрэмж. хэсэг ч бай, хамаагүй. одоодоо амьдардаг хүнээс маргаашийг бүү асуу. бүү шуна. зүгээр л нүдээ аниад гүнийн гүндээ уус.

Sunday, October 19, 2014

Police brutality, affairs of the heart, etc.

So on a Friday night, after not going out properly for a long time, I decided to hang out with mates at Hanzo, a well-deserved evening out, might add. After getting there about half past 10pm, I sat talking with a friend I hadn't seen in a long while, and generally having a great time when, a few hours later, at 1am on 18 October 2014 I was about ready to dance. The I realised there was no music. So I went to the bar to ask what was happening, why the music was shut down and saw two cops on either side of the bar. Since the law allows for the music to be on while not allowing for alcohol to be sold after midnight (fuck the bloody paternalistic attitude of the state that thinks they could and should limit the alcohol sales by the hours of the day, anyway, a multitude of seriously fucked up problems arising out of the dry curfew, like people getting drunk at home, beating their wives and kids, for once, if not worse, just for starters), I asked if the music could be played since I wanted to dance. Admittedly I had used an equivalent of "Why the fuck is music out?". The police dude, a stocky, mid-thirties, short dude then said "Who the fuck are you?",prompting "A customer, a citizen of Mongolia" from me as well as "You guys do your work, but can we put the music back on so we could dance?" He got visibly irritated and promised that he would lock me up for sobering. I thought it was a fun idle threat as I was not unruly or disorderly in any way, and so I walked back to my table where friends were seated, and told them that since I had come out to dance that night, let's go someplace else with music, and got dressed to go. And that's when I was simply lifted from my two arms and carried out into the police car, where I was shoved in. They were carrying out their threat, and I just couldn't believe what was happening, I still had an idea that it was all a big old joke. But no: there I was, a dude who had 3 beers, who had wanted to dance, stated as much and, as a result, ended up in a lock-up at 1am from Friday to Saturday, the only one time I had truly wanted to dance. I was made to take off my shoes in the -5C temperature of the sober-up lock-up as all the windows were wide-open, with all the people in the lock-up shivering to their bones, I was allowed to use the toilet just once in the 14 hours that I was in the cell, I was not given a single drop of water in all that time, and plus around 8am, 7 hours later, I was dragged out of the cell by my dreads by the police officer and tackled and kicked and had my left arm twisted and wrung behind my back because when I received my belongings, the report of why I was there said "Refused to follow the lawful demands of the police officer on duty, obstruction of justice, unruly and disorderly behaviour disturbing public peace". All of that was bullshit, so I refused to sign the paper, circling the unruly and disorderly behaviour as the reason why I refused to sign. That's when I was dragged out and handled brutally in front of all the other people in the lock-up. What scared me further was they paraded me up and down the corridor a number of times, allowing all the drunkards and not-so-drunkards get a good look at me, most of them recognising me from my TV appearances, and who started going "Hey love!", "Hey homo love!", "What the hell? You are not a homo, you were a woman, weren't you?!", meaning that the police's irresponsible policing led to me being exposed in an extremely vulnerable way. What it call came down was that I was brutally handled by the police and lost 14 hours of my life spending it in a freezing cold cell while almost sober and entirely peaceful, being beaten up for refusing to sign their paper that I had never engaged in unruly and disorderly behaviour, by being treated worse than a prisoner as even prisoners get their ration of water and food, probably. What scared me was that the police are so used to treating people as if we're nothing, as if we live in the police state, as if they're all governors, and us, their faithful servants, while it is entirely the other way around. What scared me was that they had time and again said that they would detain me for 72 hours for daring to know my rights, for daring to tell them how things were. What scared me was that they could get away with that. What terrifies me now is that they probably will come after me when I complain about the behaviour of two cops involved, the one who dragged me out of Hanzo, and the one who bodily assaulted me. What it all made me understand, for the first time in my life, is that I couldn't probably continue living in a country where all you are is deemed nothing because of who you are. All the pains of going through the events of my life to finally be here where I should indeed be happy erased by the very people who need to be responsible and ethical enough to not endanger their own citizens. That's been that.

Which brings me to the next point: affairs of the heart. As it is, I am completely over the agony that someone brought into my life. I am now in a happy, serene, present space. While being held for all those hours in the lock-up, all I wanted to do was to curl up in my make-believe boyfriend's arms. Just to let go and cry the frustrated tears, just to feel his warmth. I never managed to tell him that that's what I wanted when he showed up. Instead I sat watching his beautiful eyes, and felt all the physical and emotional pain of the previous 14 hours melt away. To have someone as good as that come into my life in any capacity was a blessing, now I see. Whatever happens, whatever doesn't happen, no matter.

PS: Just an after-thought: would have police dared to do what they did to me had it been in any other club in the city? The answer is, sadly, no.

Wednesday, October 15, 2014

falling further

the funny thing is that whenever i think of someone, i become deeply depressed. whenever i see him, like a few hours ago, i get so fucked up in my head and my heart that i feel sick. but... whenever i think of someone else, he makes me smile. just the idea of him makes me happy. whenever i am with him, like an hour ago, i am full of happy bubbles. i will definitely tell him tonight that he makes me happy, that he is gorgeous in so many unexpected ways...

Monday, October 13, 2014

Did I dream?...

Last Saturday night I heard some chants outside my house. I couldn't believe my ears. There were folks walking around my house and chanting about love. How someone fell in love and loved like never before. Surely it must've been a dream. How could anyone trust their ears after the white-hot delirium of nothingness?...

Friday, October 10, 2014

Исход - нуль - заря

Пялюсь. Пялюсь без чувств, только голод глаз: все и вся остановливается. Скрежет и вой малюсеньких частиц, подмолекулное эхо воя и стонов внутри... Застыл внутри времени уже десять месяцев, замерз и запутался в данных, датах, диалогах и монологах, засел в отголосках будущего которое уже каким-то образом стало прошлым. 

Ненасытность. 

Неизбежность.

Бесконечность.
 
"Отдай меня! Дай, отдай...! Оставь меня! Уйди-уйди-уйди-уйди..." 

Три дня в глубочайших водах, ныряя туда вновь и вновь до умопомрачения... Те самые эмоции, что искалечили меня до неузнаваемости. Три дня... Когда я проснулся, я встал с одним-единственным разумным решением: должен оставить эти эмоции, которые, в итоге, только калечат. Никогда, никому больше не раскрываться, ни за что. Не смогу. Не захочу. 

Диктовка настоящего:

"Ничего, никогда не меняется."

"Ты такой же непроходимый тупица каким был десять, двадцать, тридцать лет тому назад. Когда же научишься?!"

"Зачем пытаешься, для чего? Оставь..."

Thursday, October 9, 2014

when the past comes knocking

especially the past where things were left murky, unexpressed, rotten from the silence of cruel denial. where silence was the only answer to all your communications of love, need and care, you can't afford to open the gates. emotionally you are so blinded, eaten away by howling, never-ending hurt at having been treated like a non-human, like your feelings and emotions and their expressions were nothing, like all you are is a big zero. an empty sound. a nothingness. to be so torn inside your soul that you can't dare to let it get ripped further apart by the same old thing. to be so heartbroken that all you want is to disappear. to be so soul assassinated that all you are is a big dark void. how can anything be alright?!... how can i just let you in back in any shape or form that will eventually still hurt me?... you had nothing new to say that i didn't already know. to hurt someone so badly and never understand that, how can anyone be so callous, so selfish and so blind?.....

Tuesday, October 7, 2014

Advice for soul peace

1. Do not hang onto people who make you feel like you are nothing.
2. Do not give them a second chance, they will blow it the way they blew the first one.
3. Do not trust that people change. Their external may change, not the internal, not the why and the how.
4. Do not linger in the past, the past is cast.
5. Do not let anyone stay in your life who treats you like shit because they will continue treating you the same.
6. Do give a chance to new people to come into your life, you just never know who comes with what soul lesson for you.
7. Do spend time with people who make you curious about the world, even about yourself.
8. Do love unconditionally those who deserve it, including yourself.
9. Do hang onto people who see you.
10. Do be kind to yourself as you are to others.

Monday, October 6, 2014

falling...

falling... fearing the fall, but excited about the heady abandon of naked feelings if i only allow them to flow. breath held, all i am is acutely terrified of the sure pain that accompanied each of my falls last three years, yet inexplicably attracted, from the very first. falling... deeper, deeper into the eyes, the calm, the soul, the knowing innocence, the innocent knowledge, the beauty. falling... fearing the most possible and probable at this time eventuality: getting badly shattered, again. not wanting to jump. not wanting to risk, yet falling... not daring to make myself vulnerable again, but the moments of ease increasingly exchanged by awkwardness. falling...

shouldn't. can't. mustn't. not while my heart's still badly emaciated by the previous torture of nine and a half months.

Thursday, October 2, 2014

autumn blues

as autumn deepens, so does the nostalgia. everything is so possible and impossible at the same time. walking around the city for a few hours with a friend yesterday window-shopping for necessities that need to be bought still, it felt like i was actually in a relationship: the quiet fun of spending time with someone dear who accepts you, who likes you enough to pretend to everyone that he's your boyfriend, who buys you coffee just because, and who likes to hear you talk, whom you like to hear talk, who shares his thoughts and musings, fears and insecurities, joys and moments of amazement. sharing and communicating, the most essential part of any human relationship. as autumn deepens, i am thrown back into the memory of my past romantic relationships that began, always, in autumn. as autumn deepens snowed under the falling leaves buffeted by gusts of wind, i am ever again overtaken by memories. as autumn deepens, as i look at the world around me, all i am is mostly pain.

Crowdfunding!

As many of you know, we are doing an online crowdfunding for the first time in the history of the Centre, and it happens to be for the Equa...