Thursday, October 23, 2014

i don't live there anymore

"do you remember?"

the stale cool air wrapped around the ankles. the silky sheets, two coloured, soft on the skin of my torso and the arms that encircle it. the unknown smells mixing with all too familiar, the forgotten sounds in the depth of the night, the space and time confused... the lingering ghost of your incredible fragrance, a little too heady, a little too shocking to the senses then, now only a mental echo of its original sensual imprint. my cat's gentle purrs imperceptibly shaking the duvet, a low-voiced content, and me, lost in the reverie of that content. the content, the satisfaction, the happiness.

"do you remember?"

far, far, far away i drift. into the past. the past that's also the future because the past of the heart's true movement is surely to stay with me as they have all. nothing disappears. nothing is forgotten. nothing is taken for granted. the gentle caresses of disembodied voices drifting me from one scene to another. take me where you will.

"do you remember?"

nothing is to uproot this feeling of being rooted in nothing. rooted in the air, i grow. rooted in the impermanence, i glow.

"do you remember?"

how could i forget? why would i, should i? how does one forget something that's become a part and parcel of one's entire being, something that's so intrinsically intimate and undeniably my own now? just because i no longer hurt, it doesn't mean that it is forgotten. the pain, the agony is not the sole indicator for life. one day, though, i will no longer remember. what shame! what waste!... but on autumn days like the past few, all i've been thinking is you. it didn't help that i was in the vicinity of the area where you left your mark at the beginning of the year. every time i walked out during the breaks to have a cigarette, i stood gazing into the soft skies and remembering that evening i walked to see you and bring you coffee, remembering, remembering, remembering you. your eyes. your lit-up eyes. your gentle but strong hands hiding your face while smiling that smile only you have. your raven hair, long then. your soul-shredding softest smile. your beautifully flawed speech. your tortured ugliness of the purest soul that knew nothing but pain. 

i remember. how could i not. i just don't live there anymore.

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