Monday, December 28, 2015

аймшгийн киноны задлан

12-р сарын 3: төрсөн өдрөөрөө амьдралдаа анх үерхсэн, хамт амьдраад сар болсон байсан хайртыгаа дотны цөөн найзууддаа танилцуулах гэж жижиг партий хийв. гол хүн маань партийнаас хамгийн эхэнд явав. гэртээ очиход шалгалтандаа ч бэлтгэлгүй унтсан байв. 12-р сарын 30: надад шинэ жилийн бэлэг аваагүй ч найзууддаа авна гэхэд нь би уурлав, түлхэв. 1-р сарын 19: экс шалгалттай учир гэртээ шалгалтандаа бэлтгээд, би гурван найзтайгаа 6 бараар тэнэн, гэртээ тас орсон гэсэн. шалгалтыг нь бас бэлтгүүлээд баахан суусан гэсэн. тэгээд хайртай залуутайгаа "секс хийе" гэхэд тэр үгүй гэхэд би уурлаад "чи надад хайргүй" гээд цааш харж хэвтсэн гэсэн. тэгэхэд тэр босч, гал тогоонд ор засаад унтсан гэсэн. "чи надад хайргүй байж яагаад энд байгаа юм?" гээд түүний толгойруу цохиж байхдаа ухаан орсон. хөөсөн. тас согтуу ч үхмээр санагдав. хамаг үсээ зулгаав. 1-р сарын 31: хоёр дүү нь ирсэн байсан учир найз залуутайгаа секс хийх боломжгүйд "we can't have sex with people around" гэж өглөө түүнд шивнэн гомдоллосныг чих муутай экс "you suck at sex" гэж сонсоод надад анх удаа жинхэнээсээ хайргүйгээ мэдрүүлэх, намайг транс гэдгийг мэдсээр байтал бие эрхтэнээр минь доромжлох үг хэлэв: "чи ийм биетэй учир би чамтай секс хийж чаддаггүй". өглөөний 8 цаг. шууд хувцсаа өмсч гараад, 4 цаг ажил дээрээ уйлав, өдөржин үхмэл чихмэл царайтай хүнэнцэр бодсон ганц зүйл нь "үхэх юмсан..." зүрхий цус юүлэгдэж эхлэв. 2-р сарын 14-ний өдөр: "чи бид хоёр гэрлэх боломжтой. одоо гэрлэвэл хүйсийн тэмдэглэгээгээ өөрчилсний дараа бид хоёрын гэрлэлтийг хүчин төгөлдөр биш гэж үзвэл энэ асуудлыг Үндсэн хуулийн цэц хүртэл явж шийдүүлээд ижил хүйсийн гэрлэлтийг боломжтой болгох боломж бий", "чи юу яриад байгаа юм бэ, би хэт залуу байна." 2-р сарын 17-ны орой: "чи ханзод хүртэл миний найз залуу гэдгээ мэдэгдэхээс ичиж, хүмүүсийн дэргэд найз мэт явдаг байж яагаад надтай хамт байдаг юм бэ?" цусаар уйлж эхлэв. 2-р сарын 24-ний орой: "бүх эксүүдийн нүднээс хайр гэрэлтдэг байсан ч чинийхээс үгүй" гэж би асуусанд нь үнэнээрээ хариулав. тэр шөнө явна гэхэд нь гуйж үлдээгээд, унтаж байгаа түүний царайг ширтэн шөнөжин, өглөөжин, өдөр 15 цаг хүртэл уйлаад бангкокыг зорив. "ирэхэд чинь би явчихсан байна". "чи намайг иртэл л байчих, өөр юу ч гуйхгүй." бангкокт байх 5 таван хоног шөнө бүр уйлж, өдөржин үхмэл чихмэл царайлсан хар дарсан өдрүүд. 3-р сарын 2-ны орой: "хоёулаа сүй тавья, би чамд хайртай, хоёулаа албан ёсоор хос гэдгээ ядаж хүмүүст мэдэгдье". "үгүй дээ. өвөө намайг хэзээ ч хуруундаа бөгж зүүж болохгүй гэсэн." "тэгвэл хоёулаа хамт байж яахав дээ." 3-р сарын 21-ний орой: хаврын баяр. тоглож байгаад тоглоомдоо хэт автаад "өө ийм юм мэддэггүй, тэнэг юм уу?" гэсэнд минь уурлалаа. тайвшруулах гэж оролдлоо. бараг л тайвширсан юм шиг байхаар нь цамцан дотор нь гараа хийгээд илэхэд гар авч шидэв. орой нь партийнд явна гэж байсан ч дурамжхан дуугараад байсан учир шууд гарч явж гэртээ ирэв. виский ууж байгаад нүүрлүү нь цацав. алгадав. алгадуулав. партийнд явахгүй гэж байсан экс гарч партийдав. шөнөжингөө залгахад утсаа авалгүй гадуур хонов. 4-р сарын 10: "би чамайг хэзээ ч сонгоогүй". 4-р сарын 16: "би чамайг хэзээ ч сонгоогүй". 6-р сарын 9: гадаадад ажлаар явж байхад огт холбогдохгүй байсанд нь гайхаж, гутарч, хардаж... 6-р сарын 15: "би чамайг хэзээ ч сонгоогүй" 6-р сарын 27: хамт плэйтаймд явсан ч надад олдсонгүй. надаас ичдэгээрээ ичсэн байв. шөнө ганцаараа хотруу ирсэн ч найз нь гэрийн түлхүүр аваад өгөхөө мартсан учир буцаж явав. замдаа бүрмөсөн салахаар шийдэв. 7-р сарын 2: "чи миний дүүтэй мэндэлсэнгүй, бид хоёрыг авч хоолонд орсонгүй." 7-р сарын 13: би хардав. хамт байх хугацаандаа нэг ч баяраар хамт байгаагүйдээ уурлав. 7-р сарын 22: төрсөн өдрөөрөөрөө надтай байхыг үл сонгов. шөнө нь ирэх замдаа, ирснийхээ дараа надтай секс хийхийг огт хүсэхгүй байгаагаа хоёр удаа хэлэв. 8-р сарын 12: би цусаар уйлж эхлэв. 8-р сарын 24: "чи яах гэж надтай байсан юм? чи надад хайргүй штээ!" "би чамайг чимдэг. чи хүсээд л хамт байсан биз дээ." 9-р сарын 5: өөр хүний үнэр үнэртүүлж ирэв. 9-р сарын 25: намайг ангийнхандаа эмэгтэй биетэй гэж хэлснээрээ миний амьдрал, оршихуй, тэмцэл, түүнтэй байгаа харилцаа гэх мэтийг бүхэлд нь үгүйсгэсэн байв. би нөжөөр уйлав. 10-р сарын 22: бүрмөсөн салахаар шийдэв. нэг жил хамт амьдарсан хэрнээ надаас ичсээр байдагт нь, надад хайраа мэдрүүлж байгаагүйд нь бүрмөсөн салахаар шийдэв. 11-р сарын 8: бүтэн хоёр өдөр надаас зайгаа барьж, бусад хүмүүстэй цагийг өнгөрөөхийг сонгосонд нь, 9-р сард ангийнхандаа намайг эмэгтэй биетэй гэж бүхэлд минь үгүйсгэснийг нь бодон, уучилшгүй учир бүх юмыг нь цуглуулаад, зодож хөөв. 11-р сарын 16: "надад хайргүй мөртлөө яагаад намайг шимэн шимэн амьдарсан бэ?". хариулт нь чихээ даран "зайл". чихийг нь нээлгэх гэж ноцолдохдоо баахан өшиглүүлэв, сүүлдээ дөрөв тав алгадуулав. "чи надад хайргүй байж яагаад надтай байдаг юм бэ?" хариулт нь "чи хүссэн учир." 11-р сарын 26: салах шийдвэр хэвээр. 12-р сарын 3: амьдралдаа анх удаа 9 цаг хагасын секунд бүр нэг л дугаарлуу залгав. авсангүй. 12-р сарын 18: шөнө надаас холддогоороо холдоод, хөлөөрөө түлхэв. би уйлав. алгадуулав.

хайртай байсан болохоор би түүнтэй хамт байхыг хүссэн, үнэн. түүнийг эхнээсээ л сонгосон, үнэн. хамт байгаад байгаа юм чинь надад хайртай гэж өөрийгөө итгүүлдэг байсан нь ч үнэн. хайртай хүнээсээ байнга сонсдог болсон зүйлс нь харин: "чи мэдрэл муутай", "чи ёроолгүй хар нүх", "чи хайрлуулах эрхгүй, хайрлуулахгүй байгаа чинь үйлийн чинь үр", "чи л надтай амьдрахыг хүсээ биз дээ".

төгсөв.

love, energies, etc.

all we are is energy. all we emanate is also energy. so with love (when it's truly the feeling of love), it is almost palpable because it engulfs you, wraps around you, it's always almost warm. sunny. urgent. when you are loved, you always know that you are loved because their energies never leave you, they are all around you, even when the person is not next to you. when someone truly loves you, you inevitably feel whole and fuzzy, sometimes even too full. love, when it's true, it lulls you into a feeling of safety because you are protected by that invisible but strong shield of energy that will never let any harm come to you. when you are with someone who loves you, and if you're well attuned, you feel their soul movements, their energies. those soul movements come and touch you sometimes as strongly as physical acts (well, yes, i think i've had soul-level intercourse with someone, a few times). love is so strong that you feel their every soul movement and it's almost like it's your own. when love is mutual, you never need to talk. you are finely connected on so many levels that speech is extra. you spend hours just feeling your own and their soul movements. when someone loves you truly, it's beautiful because your energies dance their own dance while you both stay immobilised and utterly entranced with that harmony.

when you are loved, truly, you feel it. because love is energy, and all energy, when it's dense and strong, is tangible.

having done a ritual to reclaim my energies tonight, i will continue it for the next however many days it takes to fully take them all back. for i no longer can afford to be sucked off energetically by someone who treated me so appallingly while claiming to love me. that was NOT love. it was incredible, the lies, the pretenses, the falsehoods... all the while, it was my love that he mistook for his own. no longer. reclamation of energies needs to be accompanied by cleansing of those energies, all i felt from my energy when it came back was this mad anger and restlessness... needs to be cleaned.

i already feel much better. much, much, much better. i should've done it ages ago. stupid me, always believing words, negating my own gut-feeling. no more.

Saturday, December 26, 2015

so much... nothingness

after thirteen and a half months of a relationship that was all about my ex, his feelings, his needs, never mind my feelings, my needs, i am finally free, finally alone just as i felt when i was with him. except now i am truly alone, not lonely (being lonely while in a relationship sucks). the past year and more almost killed me. i survived the void and things that went with it. like being told again and again that i was a bottomless black pit... being told again and again that he never chose me... being told again and again that because i was in love with him, i should do everything for him as he wanted and expected from me... being taken for granted, anything and everything was taken for granted. being always treated like a torso with a hole, not a human being with feelings: they ever counted for anything except for when they were to serve him. hands down, it was the worst relationship of my life. all of us, me included, have a finite numbers of days on this earth, and feeling every single day that one is unloved, misunderstood, misinterpreted, misrepresented, uncared for, embarrassed to be, seen, known to be with, is soul-killing. it's not that he was the worst person, it's just that he was, is, an emotionally disabled human who didn't ever see the fact that he didn't love me. how long could one sustain one's energy levels in that kind of loveless relationship? i felt i'd rather be dead than there. thirteen and a half months was awfully long, no wonder i started to feel dead after awhile. now all i need is to simmer down and get on with my life, with my plans for the next two big life projects that do not involve love or love relationships. so much nothingness could kill even the biggest of souls and hearts. i am grateful i made it alive. no more of no-love. no more pain. just being. just rediscovering my love for life. for now...

Thursday, December 24, 2015

emotional days continue

because facebook wouldn't allow us to merge our LGBT Centre pages, i had downloaded all the pics to upload them to our main page, and i found myself going through years of my life, and feeling emotional again about everything we'd done, are still doing and will continue to do.

last night i did a ritual i hadn't done in ages. i called on the universe to take care of me once again. there have been many wrongs done to me, and i wanted to feel justice. while i was invoking the universal guardians, i felt the top of my head tingle. my message was received and heard, i know. i was the harshest this time around asking for everything to be put right. for most of my life, i have known that spirit guardians followed me and guided me, but never had i asked them anything as fervently as last night, not even in the darkest periods as i'd always managed. but last night was tough. as had been the days following the realisations that i had truly allowed someone unworthy to waste my year and more...

i think we must acknowledge our emotions. see them for what they are, hear them out and still manage to act with some logic, but the past few months, well, many months, they left me in emotional jungle and bewilderment that i couldn't manage in any way. i felt like i was dying. maybe i did die, in some ways. all i know is it's time to mourn and then to die fully. and maybe resurrect. emotional days continue. i wish i felt nothing. i wish i didn't love the way i love. i wish i could be as blatant and untruthful as many souls i encounter in my life. but i am not. people's energies hurt me almost physically. i wish i could blunt myself to all of that, and become blunt, too.

in my 40th year on this earth, i am more than 80% done living, i am aware. i just know like i've always known some things. i guess i have done well enough, i still need to embark truly on 2 big projects of my life, but they will happen, for sure, as everything did happen as it should've, in my life. but that's not what bothers  me. what bothers me is this loveless void that this realm is that continues to kill me. the worst was a year with someone who didn't love me. that void made me yearn for the love i felt in my life, and the only human i'd ever go back to, despite everything - time, space, inability to accept my transition, etc - is someone who gave me all her love, whose love shone through her eyes and soul like beams. of course, i am not going back to anything or anyone, the past is past, but she still does haunt me, in the best way.

i am  almost done living...

emotional days continue.

Sunday, December 20, 2015

knock, knock

who's there?

your boyfriend. the one who took you, your love and devotion for granted for much too long. so long that you thought you'd rather be dead than with me.

who's there?

your boyfriend who wouldn't touch you nicely, privately or publicly for over a year. who claimed my sexuality through misrepresentation of you and your identity to people you will never meet or see. who never cared enough to look into your soul and see love that was giving up on the hope of being seen and reciprocated fully. the one who thought nothing of throwing misguided tantrums while it should've been you, all this while, to do that. who couldn't see you. who will never see you, but my own needs.

who's there?

you know, the one who slaps you so hard your head rings for days, and your lip bleeds. the one who always chose to be somewhere else with other people but you. the one who'd dance away with anyone but you. the one who was always embarrassed to be seen with you, or known to be with you. the one who always chose others, never you.

who's there?

your boyfriend. the one who refused to listen to you at your worst, loneliest moments. why were you lonely anyway? i was there, my physical presence should've been enough even if i didn't love you, or caress you, or make love to you as lovers should.

who's there?

your handsome, lithe, emotionally disabled boyfriend who only saw you as a convenience. i've come again to take what's mine: you shall open your door at 3am and let me in, and i will sleep and leave without a word. you are nothing to me, but a torso with a hole, a bleeding heart that always forgets yourself. i will take it and break it, again and again.

Monday, November 30, 2015

a sad, sad world

i'd rather be dead than with my ex.

i'd rather be dead.

he thinks he had loved me without knowing me. but really that is not love, is it.

he thought of my every loving touch as oppressive. he saw every sex act of ours as rape, of me raping him. tell me, IS THAT LOVE?

of course, not.

LOVE IS NOT THIS.

i wish he would be fucking HONEST. tell me and the world what he went through and what he made me go through.

alas he's a fucking chickenshit and will remain so.

four days ago i heard for the first time something i'd known and felt for a long time, that all i did to make him happy sexually was RAPE. because all i did was to make him happy, which he took as OPPRESSIVE. he said the very thought of having sex with me oppressed him, disgusted him.  why was he with me, then?...

no.

no.

no.

no.

no.

never.

never again.

i'd rather be DEAD than with someone who thinks my every caress is violence.

and after a year, come to think of it, I AM DEAD.

Sunday, November 29, 2015

'forever' is made up of 'now's

patterns repeating. patterns of souls repeating themselves at different eras. being flung back into the space of the bygone eras as they were, feelings never changing, flailing to breathe,  to make sense. always failing. with every failure, the only thing holding me afloat is the sense that i gave it all. that i gave my all. to each and every thing i did. to each and every human i'd loved.

still the meaning eludes. still patterns remain. still, i seem to be only one loving more. or loving at all.

there is very little love one finds in one's lifetime. unless it is obsessive and all-encompassing, should one even call it love? unless and until it is with the utmost care for the one you love, should one even claim it to be love? no, and no.

forever is made up of now. or nows. if those were found to be lacking in spirit, courage and feeling, one can't be blamed for still beig the seeker.

Friday, November 13, 2015

Misery

The day before I took my colleagues out to dinner, by way of apology for the drama they had had to witness thanks to the inevitable, but nonetheless messy breakup that's been ongoing since mid-August. A lovely Indian dinner, a comfort food for my soul. During the dinner, I noticed he was already hitting other people up, chatting away on his gay account, and smiling, smiling away his little smile he gets when he chats with people whom he likes... I felt sad. No, it actually gutted me in a way I didn't expect, thus insomnia for the second night in a row. All I could think of saying then was, "I don't even know when I'm going to be able to think about dating again, but I guess I will have to start, at some point." He looked up, and looked at me for the first time during the dinner, my words and their significance sinking in. Maybe. 

Not that it really matters that he's already hooking up with others. I will only be glad to see him move on. Hell, I will be ecstatic to see him fall in love with someone truly and to finally admit to me that what he felt for me was never love. When he understands that, feels that, realises that my wasted year will be vindicated. Never the feelings, obviously. I was in love with him, I did love him. Wholeheartedly. Till sometime early this year. Till the realisation hit that he never felt any true emotion towards me. Did it hurt that he was already in active search for the next dude to suck his dick on a constant basis? Not really. I guess I just didn't realise that he would do so this soon, not even ten days post-separation: a swift slap in the face reminding me that everything I felt from him - nothing - was illustrated and thrust in my face this soon.

Every time I go through a heartbreak, I feel scared. I feel extremely scared. I can't even think about falling in love again, but of course, I will, eventually. But right now, all I am is an awful feeling of sinking, sinking, sinking... My first gay relationship, my first relationship post-transition, what a misery it had been, and it's still continuing.

Monday, November 9, 2015

Хувийн тамууд

Хүний оршихуйн нэг илэрхийлэл болох хүмүүсийн харилцаанд "нийгэм", "хүмүүс" хүссэн хүсээгүй тод үүрэг гүйцэтгэдэг. Яг үнэндээ жинхэнэ "хувийн харилцаа" гэж огт байдаггүй, үлгэр төдий ойлголт гэж би боддог. "Хувийн" гээд байгаа харилцаанд ч нэгээс илүү хүн байгаа, нэмээд наад зах нь тэр хоёр хүний сайн сайхныг бодсон, тэр хоёрт сайн сайхныг хүссэн хүмүүс шууд бус ч байж л байдаг, бүр ямар ч нууц хувийн харилцаанд. Нийгэм, хүмүүс ямар ч харилцаанд байдаг л учир хүн чамтай байгаагаа бусдаас нуух гэж үхтлээ оролдож байвал тэр хүн чамд огт хайргүйг хүлээн зөвшөөрөөд хурдан тэр зовлонт орон зайгаасаа салаарай. Учир нь хүн өөрөө зовохоор бусдыг ч зовоож эхэлдэг. 

Өнгөрсөн нэг жил хамт амьдарчаад, нэг жилийнхээ ойгоор түүнээс бүрмөсөн салахыг сонгосон экс найз залуугийн надад үлдээсэн сэтгэлийн энэ там. Надаас зовж ичсэндээ хэзээ ч хүмүүст намайг танилцуулж байгаагүй, намайг уурлаж, гомдоллодог болсны дараа бага багаар хоёр найздаа хэлснээс бусдаар хэзээ ч намайг "Миний найз залуу" гэж хүнд танилцуулж байгаагүй, хамт гадуур байхдаа Монголын орчинд хэцүү ч боломжийн орон зайд ч үнэндээ л найз залуу шиг хэзээ ч байхгүй байхыг сонгосоор байсан энэ хүн миний сэтгэлийн там болоод олон сар болж. Намайг, харилцаагаа нуух оролдлого, үйлдэл бүр нь амьдралаасаа гадуур байлгах оролдлого байсныг огт мэдээгүй, хараагүй. Надаас ичдэгтээ, над шиг хүнтэй хамт байгаадаа санаа зовдогтоо намайг нууцлахыг хүсдэг байж. Тэр болгонд нь "Энэ хүн надад үнэхээр хайртай байсан бол надаас ингэж ичихгүй дээ" гэх бодол үлдсээр, хайргүй нь өдөр бүр батлагдсаар өнгөрсөн энэ нэг жил дэндүү том сэтгэлийн там байж гэдэг эцсийн дүгнэлтэд хүрээд суух.

Сүүлийн хэдэн ч сар би түүнээс бараг өдөр бүр "Чи яах гэж надтай байгаа  юм бэ?" гэдэг асуултыг асуусан ч, хариулт нь хуурамч жүжиглэл төдийхөн. Би өөрөө ганцаардсандаа юуг хүлээн зөвшөөрөөд, ямар гээчийн там өөртөө, цаашлаад түүнд үүсгэчээд явж байсныг хэлэмгүй. Хүйсийн шилжилтийнхээ дараа би өөрөө өөртөө хэчнээн их хайртай болж, биеэ хүртэл хайрладаг болсон ч миний амьдралд намайг хайрлах хүн огт гарч ирэхгүй, бие сэтгэлээр ганцаардахыг дэндүү сайн мэдэрсэн. Экс эхнэрээ ч маш их санадаг болсон. Хэчнээн тэр зөвхөн миний биед хайртай нэгэн болж таарсан ч ядаж л намайг ширтэх харц нь хайрыг дандаа мэдрүүлдэг байсныг нь санадаг болсон. Гурван жил хагас, бараг л дөврөн жил би хэчнээн хүмүүст дурласан ч, хайрласан ч үүнийг минь хүлээж аваагүй учир бараг л анх "За" гэсэн эксдээ сэтгэл, бие, оюунаа зориулаад явж байхдаа сэтгэл сийчсэн үйлдэл бүрийг нь уучилж, мартахыг сонгож байсан ч одоо ч, тэр үед ч харах ёстой зүйлийг олж хараагүйдээ, өөрийгөө тэнэгтүүлж байсандаа би л буруутай.

Хэдэн хоногийн өмнө түүнтэй ярих гээд чадахгүй, утсаа салгаад байхаар нь дүүрүү нь залгаж ярьтал "Чи миний дүүрүү ярьдаг хэн бэ?"-г өнөөдөр сонсов. Мэдээж бид хоёрын харилцааг хагас дутуу мэддэг ганц түүний дотны хүн байсан учир яагаад болохгүй гэж бодсон чинь үгүй байж, мэдээж тэр л "нийгэм", тэр л "хүмүүс" гэдэг зүйл бид хоёрын харилцаанд огт байгаагүй, байлгахыг тэр хүсдэггүй учир. Чи хайртай ч чиний хамт амьдраад байгаа хүн чамд огт хайргүйг мэдрэх шиг адгийн там байхгүй. Тэгснээс үхсэн минь дээр. Намайг хайрлаагүй хоосон сэтгэлээрээ миний амьдралын нэг жилийг алсан алуурчинтай одоо ярих зүйлгүй. Ядаж л адгийн хуурамч байснаараа жинхэнэ зүйлсийг надад сануулсанд нь баярлалаа гээд орхих.

Биеийн шарх сорви эдгэх ч сэтгэлийнх эдгэдэггүй...

Sunday, November 8, 2015

I am holding you for the first time in a week

I am holding you for the first time in a week, I am holding you in my arms, my body wrapped behind you. I have always assumed that position with most of all my lovers, more so with some than others. Tonight it's tears and the reflections of the fire dancing around in the hearth.

"I love these reflections. I love watching fire and its reflections."
"I've always hated that. Only people who'd never felt the hardships of living in the ger district say this."

I am speechless. 

Tears I can't control dampen your neck and your right shoulder as they flow. I am breathing you in, like I had done for the majority of 365 days that was all about you. Your body reaction tells me you've missed me, too. Your muscles contract, you push your bottom against my loins, all I am is frozen, sad, tearful and complaining.

Of so many facts that was our relationship. Of so many things that you had done that can never be put right, like the things I've done to you that can't be put right, ever.

To feel the loneliness to the point of extinction while being so in love with someone and while living with them: this was my relationship for the past year. I had done what's humanly possible and impossible then. But I no longer can. I no longer wish to be dead inside while supposedly in a relationship with someone who claims to hold me the dearest.

I'd rather be dead than with someone who made me feel  like this for majority of the year I had spent with him.

"How can you say these things when we're just making up?"
"But we're not making up! This, here, is not making up!!!"

He angrily gets up, puts his clothes on, moves onto his bed.

"You shall never understand me."
"As you never have understood me! The fact that you talked about my body to others, how dare you?! How the fuck did you ever think I was going to be alright with that?!"

I am seeing the reality of our relationship ever again, feeling, seeing...

All I can think is, "I deserve love, not this infinitely indifferent and self-righteous, self-serving, extreme egotistical feeling that masquerades as  love".

"This is not making up. I only felt cold. I know this is over. I hoped you surely did, too."

 ***

I am ready  to go on. I  left  long ago. He never knew. To  make him I understand I really made a true effort this time. No one shall mistake violence for love.

Never again will I settle with someone who makes me feel unloved, undesired, misunderstood and lonely. NEVER AGAIN, I'd been through too much to stand for  shit anymore, not  in my personal life, ever.

That's it. No more shall I ever get involved with anyone who's not more in love  with me than I am with him or her.

I AM SO DONE.

Wednesday, November 4, 2015

Dreams = intuition

I was just cleaning one of my email inboxes of years of shit, and I just found an email that made me smile and go "Dang, I am intuitive!" I'd noted and sent an email to myself on 14 September 2011, a bewildered note that goes:
Dang, I'm weird. I mean my dreams are weird. They are sometimes so true, but sometimes so off-base it is liver-crushingly hilarious. Maybe it is me, after all, who's weird. I dreamt that I was enjoying the body of a trans guy. That sounds really tame, but it wasn't, believe me, not if one gets the magnitude of what I was doing to him. There is just one other trans guy around in my vicinity, my bro. He's as fanciable as a ton of bricks crushing a one-cell organism, unless and until one's into that kind of thing. Very un-me. Thank god it wasn't my bro, I would've woken up much shaken in the face of the travesty, drenched up in cold sweat over the question "Just what in the hell was I doing to him just then?!" For hours I didn't even remember that dream, then bam! - a dream memory of a tall, lanky, good-looking Caucasian trans guy on a table, of all the places, me pouring myself out into all that action eliciting such exquisite response... That was definitely truly weird, because I never thought about trans men or cis men sexually. Where did that come from?!...
My gay feelings began, unbeknownst to me, already in September 2011. Good god. I guess I am where I am supposed to be, after all, given all my dreams have often materialised shocking the hell out of me later on upon realisation that I, indeed, had done this or that in my dream before the reality hit.

Tuesday, November 3, 2015

Surveillance, breakup, decompression, etc.

The fact that we live in the Orwellian world of extreme surveillance is no longer a paranoid figment of one's imagination. It is the truth, it is the fact. Oftentimes we unknowingly consent to being tracked by different applications, website services, etc, and god knows what happens to our data, and how it will be used by those who happen upon it. Other times, like the time two weeks ago, I was shouted at by a young trans girl to untag her from my Facebook post asking trans girls to respond to my question of how we can promote respect within the trans women's community that is increasingly becoming extremely violent to the extent of some girls kidnapping others and taking them out of the city to beat them (something that only some extreme fringe violent groups engaged in six-seven years ago), because "All your keystrokes are recorded and seen by the police, don't you know?" Dear ignorant girl, yes, I've been aware of the fact of illegitimate surveillance of my person for the longest time, don't you worry. And never have I worried. To be honest, I never hid any of my activities. Had I chosen that path, I would've never become a human rights activist, neither have I been the co-founder of the LGBT Centre. As fate would have it, here I am, and this is me: you get what you see, unlike so many others.

Having worked officially and unofficially for  the longest time for the community of people I feel soul-connection with, I knew I was compromising my right to stay anonymous, to stay in the private sphere, if I chose it. I never had a choice about being a public figure, I knew I had to start creating the reality so that next generation could have better life than I did. But what really erked me was she was upset and shouting at me to the extent of "I know what kind of dirty porn you watch!" I am like "Hello?! I watch porn, and I know I watch porn, and I know every adult more or less does watch porn, so what the fuck is wrong with that?!" As long as I am not sharing the porn I am watching, who the hell is she or anyone, to that matter, to pass a moral judgement on what I do in the privacy of my own home, on my computer? I am going to bring a case against the intelligence agency to disclose to me or to my legal representatives on what grounds I am being surveilled, and on what grounds that surveillance data is being disclosed to lay people like that trans girl.

Breakup: well, that's been in the brewing for the longest time. For a year, I fought to feel loved. For a year, I banged my head against the wall about the callousness of my ex, about the things he would say or do without any consideration of how that would affect me, my reactions, and my love for him. For the longest time, I was speechless at the fact that he was choosing to do the things I would've never done to a trans significant other. Which I responded to in an extremely undignified manner, stripping away his dignity as well in the process. At the end of the day, no one should be made to undergo the sort of things I had been subjected to. So thanks, but no thanks. Of course, it's hurting, of course, it's tough, but I am choosing a different reality, and that's the best given our circumstances. When the time comes, I will write another entry in my blog about the extent of damage that I had been done, and that I had done. In due course. All I can say is it was high time I was out of that headspace and oppressing reality where I felt insecure and unloved from the beginning till the end. Oh, the things I felt!... Oh, the things I made him feel in return - priceless, but unnecessary for the peace of one's mind. All my life I fought for the space for myself and for others like me. I didn't need to fight for something in my private life, but I was fighting, and it was hard. It was cruel.

The etc part: about 10 days ago I took my ex to meet my mom. I wish I hadn't. Because she didn't remember his name, although I had talked to her about him many times, I got upset. All I got from my ex was incredulity: how can you be angry with your mother? Because I can: all my life I had fought for the people  I loved to be accepted as a part of me. After nearly 20 years, she did the greatest faux pas, but that was completely lost on him. I guess the etc parts are the most important, at the end of the day. One should  not ignore the smallest things. All minute things, at the end, make up the big. So all is good. At least, am peaceful.

Decompression: so now that I am no longer planning to start accumulating the mortgage downpayment for a studio to live in with my then significant other, I am thinking of ways I can indulge myself, from time to time. So I guess, I am definitely going to start making some plans for the winter break, no longer in San-Fran, but elsewhere where I'd never been to (Africa?! But that's going to be way toooooo expensive...). Decompression's needed, and needed badly. Till then, hard work and no play.

PS: I have reinstalled Firefox in my comp recently. Wonder of wonders, no more hanging windows, nor CPU running at 100%. F*ck you, Google!

Tuesday, September 29, 2015

When dating trans people - I

So this is not another whiny impression of myself that I often do on this blog. With this entry, I am drawing on my now-past relationship of nearly 11 months, and I am hoping that these pointers could be a lifesaver, a relationship-saver, to be precise, when/if you are dating and/or are in a relationship with a trans person. This time I am doing the "don't"s.

1. DO NOT OUT THEM. No matter how good your intentions are, just do not out your date/boyfriend/girlfriend as a trans person. It is a no-no. It will always be a no-no, under any and all circumstances. Many trans people are alright with claiming and owning the identity that has given many of us years of anguish. But some may not even be ok with whatever the definitions and boxes that cis people impose on trans people. Furthermore, do not out them in relation to you, that is, do not out them to explain yourself, in many cases, your own sexuality. As a sexual being, you had formed much before meeting your trans other, so why use them to validate/exemplify whatever the sexuality you are claiming? When people in your life know your date/boyfriend/girlfriend well enough, when your date/boyfriend/girlfriend feels alright to disclose whatever about their trans identities, their bodies, etc, that's when THEY, not you, go into the "coming out" mode. Never before, and never to justify your own sexuality. Or to represent your date. I was shocked to hear from an ex that he had not only outed me to a group of people I have no idea about, and in most probability, will never have an idea about because I never met them (and never will because all I am to him is a body part, but that's dealt with later, down below). The same "do not out them" also applies to the stages of their transition, especially the bodily one.

2. DO NOT USE THEIR BODY PARTS AS SLURS. It's called "abuse", "transphobic abuse". Very simple. If you call your trans girlfriend "a dick", she will most probably walk out on you and will never look back - kudos to her! When I got called a vagina, I should've walked out, alas look at where all my insecurities brought me - to a deep sea of indignity... Trans people like myself are infinitely aware of our bodies and everything that our bodies came to represent to us in our long struggle to claim our identities and our bodies. I am sure there are many [trans] guys out there who don't mind being called their body parts that they very often have extremely complicated relationship with, all throughout their lives. But the fact remains that they will not, ever, be ok to be called that when you're in the middle of a fight. It is also an absolute no-fucking-no to identify their gender via their body parts, something that will completely lock their doors forever for you. Like my ex-boyfriend outing me + telling people that because I am a trans man, he, in his turn, must be bisexual. Beyond belief. Once you have done that, no matter what you say afterwards, all they will keep hearing is the slur, the abuse, the complete disregard for all their reality contained in the fact fact that they had been labelled "a woman" because of the presence of the embattled vagina when they are trans men,  or "a man" because of the presence of the embattled penis when they are trans women. When you use your trans date/boyfriend/girlfriend's body parts as the main determining factor for their gender, what the fuck are you doing dating them anyway? If you really feel that a trans man is a woman because of their body part, are you not just a condescending cissexist who is more than less saying "this poor trans persons should be elated I have deigned to be with them"?

3. DO NOT EXCLUDE THEM from your life. Most trans people have written - in their heads - thousands of treatises on the politics and realities of belonging, and the last place they want to feel excluded from is the lives of their dates/boyfriends/girlfriends. If you are  unable to let them in your life fully, do not go beyond the meet-and-greet politeness. Many of us, especially since transition, find ourselves in a social limbo. Transitioning is a lonely process, it is a risky process to one's well-being and safety, not to talk of other things. If for whatever the reason, your trans date/boyfriend/girlfriend feels that they are excluded, in most probability they are being excluded, whether you realise it or not. So what kind of a relationship it is when one has only the private sphere for the personal life? It's called "a-booty-call", not a relationship. If that's where you are comfortable, do not even attempt to go any further in your dealings with your trans date, definitely do not jump the gun and move in with them after the third one-night stand. If things went so far as to the fact of you two living together, tough titties, deal with it, and with all that a relationship entails, be a human.

Dating and being in a relationship with a trans person is not easy. All relationships are not easy. Multiply that by 100-fold when you're with a trans person. With these insights, I am finishing my entry on DatingTransPeople101. Someone will surely find them useful.

With my Brussels gig cancelled for whatever the unknown-to-me reasons, and with the messy, bloody and blood-curdling break-up taking most of my living and breathing in the past month and more, I am at a point of wanting to leave the tried-and-true methods of recuperating from a broken heart and a million breaking parts inside my head. With the autumn deeply set in Ulaanbaatar, cooped up in my apartment with my cat thanks to the common cold that has claimed my weekend and more, I am dreaming tropics, and snow, alternately... The only things that wake me from these are messages, one of them especially horrid, that a friend got beaten up and kicked in the face because she talked about me. So much hate for the dude whose only fault has been to philosophise about love empirically and theoretically, and demand dignity for LGBT people in Mongolia. Well done, haters.

Thursday, August 27, 2015

full

overflowing, brimming
with realisations 

brutal

nothingness is better

Sunday, August 16, 2015

karma lessons, the beginning of end

a few weeks ago i was talking to my significant other about how different people can be despite of being brought up  in the same environment. all i came up with was that when people are born in one family, we must share some similar karma lessons. that's the only explanation as to why my sister achiimaa and i are so different irrespective of the fact that we had been born from the same parents, went to the same school and pretty much shared most everything externally. 

love seems to be a huge problem among the children born of my parents. they gave birth together and separately to three children who are immensely different human beings with the the same basic problem of understanding and interpreting love. my sisters, no matter how much i love them, have turned away from me. because of that, i had turned away from them. if you ask me who my family is, my answer is: my mother and people i have loved. all of my queer community is my family, that's how i feel. i am lucky, i know where i belong as a human being, a sexual being, but because my experience of love and life has been very different from their experience, i was unable to understand my sisters - we didn't speak the same language. 

perhaps, at the end of the day, i am the one who's  carrying the biggest karma burden of love. about a week ago, i finally saw how i stopped being obsessed by love, that i was finally learning to let love go and be. how i was no longer defining my existence through love and being loved. that after all, the immense attachment to the object of love no longer played a huge role, that i was learning to let go. of even love. 

karma is a bitch. you often face situations because you had been unable to accept something or the other. life always makes  you understand, as long as we are honestly processing what's happening within our selves, whys and hows galore.

goodbye. godspeed. 

Tuesday, August 11, 2015

агаар мэт

хэзээ ч үл алсрах. дотор цуурайтах. санах. дотор нь уусах. байнга сэрэх. үл сэрэх ч мэдрэх. хангалттай. мартагнах. үл алсрах.

гэвч усанд сэлэх загас усыг хардаггүй шиг 

 -- агаар мэт

үл явах, үл ирэх, үл эхлэх, үл төгсөх

-- агаар мэт.

оршихуй энэ болсон цагт яахав дээ сайхан. уяасууд сулрах. суллах. байх ч үл байх.


үл байх ч байх...

Monday, July 6, 2015

sessions - II

last time you told me about your jealousy. do you want to tell me more about it?
yeah, i was jealous all the time. what was there to stop him from having side things if he was not in love with me? nothing. so i was always insecure. he never meant to choose me anyway, he always said to me that he never chose me. with me, it was a conscious choice: at the time i was in love with someone who did break my heart, and then i met my boyfriend online, and when he got back to mongolia, because he was our volunteer, we ended up hanging out quite a bit, and i found myself falling in love with him,  forgetting the previous heartbreak. but to hear again and again that he never chose me, that this life with me was something he never chose even after months of being together, that killed me every time.

so you're saying that your jealousy was because you felt he was not committed in this relationship?
yes. he told me time and again that he would rather go out and club or otherwise have fun with his friends without me. i could never understand that. i was so in love with him that i was ready to go wherever he went with whomever and be puppy-eyed adorer. instead, i was excluded from his life. every time i asked him to go and do something with me, he was either tired, or not in the mood, but he would go with his friends. without me. it's not like i wanted to hang out with him and his friends all the time, just some occasions would've been fine. i guess, i can't blame him for excluding me because if his friends didn't want to hang out with me, didn't accept our relationship as real, then perhaps he was trying to protect me from that feeling. anyway, yes, i did feel that he was not committed. a few times there were community parties, and when i asked him to go, he would always say no, but end up going alone without me under the pretext of being jealous about my feelings for my former flame whose paintings i buy from time to time as it's the only way to support the incredible talent he has. but yeah, excluded from fun and life he had outside our relationship. the playtime was the pits. i really felt i couldn't go any further.

what made you feel like you couldn't go further? what happened at the playtime?
he was so self-conscious about being with me there... when the band i saw for the first time in 1993 came on stage singing the songs i love, i hoped he would be around. he was not. he was standing aside with others. later he told me he was watching me. that was the state of our relationship: we were never together where it counted, he was always away and watching me, not with me. that night i left to  go back to the city in a bus. after getting to the city, i realised i left my key with his friend, and after waiting, i went back to get my key, ending up spending over hundred thousand for a few  hours of "distant pleasure".

did you work things out then?
then and every time before we would work it out, sort of, agreeing that this was what he was, that he couldn't be more than that, and then i got upset still because i would realise that this was not what i want from a relationship.

your feelings of jealousy are somewhat grounded, but they can't be justified. you can't make people feel like you do, and be jealous when they don't.
i know now. which is why i give up.

what was the breaking point that brought you here, now?
a few days ago we had a crisis helpline meeting with staff and volunteers, and his sister came by the office, and i said hi and continued with the meeting. he thought i never said hello. that really made me angry. his whole body was saying he was upset with me, and when i asked him if he was angry with me, he said yes, because i didn't say hello to his sister, and because i was also dismissive when his former employer came up with ridiculous claims about something being lost or stolen while he was on duty. it's true i always felt that he had way too much adoration for that horrible former boss of his, his admiration of her beauty and mind while all i saw was an incredible bimbo who is to never be trusted. he was always swindled on his pay, and the accusations came from the day he was not even paid.

so he got upset because you didn't say hello to his sister and you weren't there for him when he was being unjustly accused.
yes, he felt that because i told him "serves you right for trusting someone who should've never been trusted from the beginning". at the same time, i told him that his former boss must be simply trying not to pay his last salary by claiming to have lost whatever that she thought was lost. my immediate  reaction  was that because apparently it happened on 1 june, and that's enough time for anyone to have found that something was missing.

so between you feeling unloved and him feeling unsupported, you are at this situation. what do you think you should do now?
i just want to be alone if being together can lead to this amount of loneliness and feeling unloved. after nearly four years of being alone in every sense of the word after i separated from my ex-wife, this was the first ever relationship i had. plus, the first ever relationship post-transition, plus the first ever relationship with a man. of course, i gave it my all. but i can't anymore. why i am here is because i simply needed help for my grieving process.

do you think your boyfriend would've had a different type of a relationship with a cis person?
yes, i am absolutely sure. he identifies as gay, has been on the scene for a number of years, and he told me how he used to grope and touch other guys in private places when making out. so how come he doesn't do it with me. of course,  it would've been different. i think it's time he realised that as much as i realise it now.

sessions - I

where do you want to begin?

nowhere.

is that where you felt your relationship was?

not really, but with increasing feelings of loneliness and feeling unloved, i became detached. i was nowhere.

what do you mean?

i mean i felt excluded from his life. i felt he was ashamed of me, known to be with me, the added unnecessary burden of possibly being outed because of his relationship with me, the unwanted and un-chosen liability. plus we saw a relationship to be something different; each of us had certain ideas and expectations, which are normal and a part of the reality. whatever i had with him, i was ready to give up mostly because i didn't feel loved, and i realised throughout that being loved and feeling loved are as important to me as loving with every fiber of my soul and body. i didn't feel i was loved. so i never felt secure in our relationship, thinking always that he must be in love with someone else if he doesn't want to physically express his love and affection, that he must be involved with others. how could it be other way...

do you want to talk about your feelings of loneliness? what exactly made you feel lonely while in a relationship?

i felt we didn't share interests, so we didn't really speak about our dreams, or plans, or ideas and bigger pictures. without those, without sharing, without including each other in our innermost feelings, desires, plans, dreams a relationship becomes a mechanical routine of mundane chores nestled only in the sexual, physical. if the sexual, physical is fulfilling, it is still doable regardless of the fact that it is uninspiring, but if not, if one feels incomplete in terms of sexual fulfillment, the feelings of loneliness increase. many people tend to express their affection physically, it is almost natural to want to touch your partner, to feel them, to make them feel something or the other, it is almost an imperative. he never kissed my body. for him, i was just a torso, with a hole down there. he called it being mean, but it's worse than being mean. not loving enough and being mean are different.

do you think you want to work it out with your boyfriend?
i don't know. i am  not sure anything's going to work. i can't continue feeling unloved. he can't continue to be indifferent while claiming to love. we don't  even think of love in a same way. how did we even endure this long?...

you know how feelings change. how time changes the lens of perception. is it something you think you can get over in time and see that perhaps you two did love each other, very differently, maybe?
i know  feelings change. but my feelings about the state of my relationship could hardly change. because even if now he does try to be more physically affectionate, i will feel it is forced. because if he was in love, that desire to touch someone you love would come naturally. i don't think i can live with that feeling of being unloved. and all the feelings of jealousy. because the simple thing was:  if he didn't feel this way with me,  he must feel  it with others. it was almost inevitable that he was going to be physical with others because a month and a half into the relationship he said he found girls very sexually attractive. before that we  of course talked about other guys being sexy, and joking a few times about fucking them. and then two and a half months in, he said because i had a vagina, he didn't find me sexy enough. how can you blame someone after he hears the worst nightmare from his boyfriend's mouth only a few months into the relationship, the first few months of a relationship being quite foundational. i tried my best to make him feel loved, treasured, admired, accepted unconditionally. all i accomplished was fits of jealousy. unbrearable fits of jealousy spilled out in inability to sleep, consequently i woke him up a few times during the past eight months, because even he was asleep, he would always pull away, and that i took as him thinking about someone else, that he didn't find me sexy, that he would only be touched, never touch me. oh the blind jealousy! the insecurity. the exclusion. i never want to feel it again.

it's good you know what you want, at least. that's a good place to start.
which is why i've always asked him to really know what he wanted, if this was the relationship he wanted, because it often seemed to me like it was not, because of the reasons above.

how did he respond when you asked him to know what he wanted?
he always said that he gave it a thought and realised that this was the relationship he wanted, that he wanted me, that he wanted us together.

so what was the problem? why not trust his words?
exactly. his words that never came before i demanded them, and then words just stayed there. i never felt loved. it must be because he was not very physically expressive of his affection. and that too, it only pertained to certain parts of my body, so how could i feel fully loved anyway?

Monday, June 15, 2015

хайр, харилцаа, хар г.м.

сэтгэл бие аль аль нь нэрвэгдэх зовлонгийн, тавгүйтэх мэдрэмж. зовлонг сонголгүй хэчнээн удаж байгаа билээ. гэтэл зовсоор л. яагаад зовоод байгаа гэхээр хайртай хүнээ зовоосоор байгаа нь эргээд намайг үхтэл минь зовоож байгаа энэ новшийн, хөгийн, үнэн мэдрэмж. хүсэхгүй байгаа хэрнээ барьж чаддаггүй тийм их хар, алдчихвий гэхээс хааяа өөрөөсөө хүртэл харамлах, хамт л байхын тулд яахад ч бэлэн сэтгэл, юу л бол юу ургуулан бодох энэ тархи. тиймээс өчүүхэн төдийгөөс хардах, түүнийг зовоох. өөртөө гутах. муухай хартай хүн болж таарсандаа гайхах. өмнө нь тийм аймаар их хартай байсан уу гэхээр тэгж санахгүй л байгаа юм. надад хайртайд нь эргэлзэх, намайг л сонгосоор байгаад нь эргэлзэх энэ байдал. өмнөх харилцаануудаасаа болоод "бүгд л угаасаа явна" гэх айдас бий болцон. намайг орхиж явахыг сонгочихвий гэх байнгын чичрэлт, параноя. эцэстээ тэнд л хүргэх замыг засах миний хөгийн үйлдлүүд. өөртөө л гутах. хүн жаргаах гэж, хамт жаргах гэж хайрын харилцаа үүсгэдэг мөртлөө энэ харилцаагаа заримдаа там болгодог хүмүүс. миний тохиолдолд хардалт хамгийн том асуудал байсан, байгаа.

дэндүү нандин гэж үзсэн зүйлээ хүн аминаасаа илүү нандигнадаг. алдахыг хүсдэггүй. гэхдээ алдахгүй гэж чичрээд, байнга хардаж зовоовол дуусгана уу гэхээс үргэлжлэх нь юу л бол гэж оюунаараа мэдээд, сайн гэгчийн ойлгоод байгаа ч... өөрийгөө мэдэрвэл зөвхөн бөөн айдас, түгшүүр. явчихвий. өөрийг сонгочихвий. бүтэн биетэй эрчүүд надаас бусад нь бараг л бүгд, бие эрхтэний хөгжлийн зарим бэрхшээлтэй нь үл тооцвол. тэгээд л гей л юм чинь надад байгаагаас илүүг хүсэхвий, хүсдэг байхвий гэх байнгын хар дарсан зүүд, айдас. миний хайрт маш ухаантай, ухаалаг, наддаа л дэндүү царайлаг залуу учир ийм сайн, сайхан хүн надаас дээрийг сонгож л таараа гэх айдас. тэгээд л үхтлээ хардана. хардалтын асуудлаа шийдэхгүй бол хайртыгаа зовоосоор байна.

хэлэх амар ч хийх хэцүү. 

Wednesday, June 10, 2015

Хүйсийн шилжилт ба сэтгэцийн эрүүл мэнд

Сүүлийн хэдэн жил ч юм, басхүү хүйсийн шилжилтийнхээ талаар апдэйт нэг их бичилгүй удаж. Даавар орлуулах эмчилгээнийхээ тарианд орсон тэр наддаа л маш чухал, нандин, утга бүхий анхны 6-р сарын 5-наас хойш даруй 4 жилийн нүүр үзчлээ. Их ч зүйл өрнөв, биеийн маань ч хувьд, орчны ч хувьд. Өөрийн анхдагч мэдрэмж, орон зай, гэр болох биеэ эзэмших, өөрийн гэж хүлээж авах, түүнийгээ эергээр мэдрэх гэдэг трансжендэр биш, трансын эсрэг ойлголт болох сизжендэр хүмүүсийн хувьд ямар ч асуудалгүй зүйл. Хамгийн анхдагч мэдрэмж үүсэх энэ бие гэдэг зүйл дээр л ийм асуудалтай байдагтаа транс хүмүүс бид хүйсийн шилжилтэд орохоос өөр аргагүй болдог, боломж, мэдээллээс хамаараад эрт, орой аль нэг  цагт. 

2011 оны Цагаан сарын битүүнээр ээжтэйгээ Лос Бандидост битүүрэхдээ ээждээ анх удаа олон жил тасралтгүй бодож, хүсч, тэмүүлсэн үйл явцыг 2011 ондоо багтааж эхлүүлэхээ хэлэх үед мэдээж маш их айдастай байсан. Хүйсийн шилжилттэй холбоотой олон жил, олон удаа экс-эхнэртэйгээ ярилцаж байсан болгоноос ганц гаргалгаа гардаг нь "Чи хүйсийн шилжилтэд орвол бид хоёрын гэрлэлт дуусна" байсан хойно арга ч үгүй биз. Хүйсийн шилжилтээ (нээрээ хүйс солиулах гэж ярихгүй ээ, бичихгүй ээ, хүмүүс минь. Шатсан чийдэн, хуучин хувцсаа сольж байгаа явдал биш. Энэ чинь олон зүйлээс бүрдсэн цогц үйл явц учир шилжилт гэх нь зүйтэй. Мөн солиулаад ч байгаа зүйл биш, бие л өөрчлөгдөж, дотор байсан хүн нь гаднаа харагдаж эхэлж байгаа зүйл учир солиулах гэдэг ойлголт үнэндээ буруу) эхэлснээс хойш өнгөрсөн жилийн сүүлээр найз залуутай болов, амьдралдаа анх удаа. Гэтэл өмнөх миний амьдралын хамгийн чухал дотны харилцаа шилжилттэй холбоотойгоор төгсч байсан тэр гашуун туршлага миний энэ харилцаанд ч нөлөөлж байгаа, миний хандлагад нөлөөлж байгааг би олж хараад бас удаж.

Транс хүмүүсийн сэтгэцийн эрүүл мэндийн асуудал дээр шилжилттэй холбоотой, шилжилтийн эхэн үед ялангуяа анхаарах зүйл олон байдаг. Жишээ нь транс хүмүүс бид төрсөн бие махбод маань өөрсдийн маань өөрийгөө мэдэрч буйгаас огт өөр байгаа учир тэр төрсөн бие махбодтойгоо амьдарч чадахаа болиод түүнийгээ дааврын эм болон мэс заслаар өөрчлөх буюу хүйсийн шилжилтэд орох арга хэмжээ авч эхлэхэд гэр орныхон, найз нөхөд, хамгийн чухал нь дотны хамтрагч хэрхэн яаж хүлээж авах вэ гэдэг маш том асуудал байдаг. Дээр нь шилжилтэд орохоос өмнөх хугацаанд амьдарсан, нийгэмшсэн нийгэмшлүүд транс хүнд шилжилтийн дараа хэрхэн нөлөөлөх вэ, үнэхээр өөрийгөө мэдэрч, тодорхойлдог хүйсийн хэм хэмжээгээр амьдарч чадах уу. Дээр нь хүйсийн шилжилт гэдэг зөвхөн эсрэг хүйсийн хувцас өмсөх төдийн драг үзүүлбэр, энтертэйнмент биш, долоо хоногийн долоо хоног, хорин дөрвөн цаг, жилийн гурван зуун жаран таван хоногийн өдөр тутмын бодит байдал учир нууж хааж амждаг ч зүйл биш, шилжилтээ эхэллээ л бол. Нууж хаах боломжгүй ч учир хүйсийн шилжилттэй холбоотой мэдлэг мэдээлэлгүй хүмүүсийн зүгээс ирэх төрөл бүрийн хүчирхийлэлд өртөх магадлал эрс өсдөг. Тэр болгонд транс хүн маань өөрөө бэлэн үү? Дээр нь транс хүмүүс бидний хайр дурлал, сэтгэл зүрхний асуудал. Зарим тохиолдолд хүйсийн шилжилттэй холбоотой хүний бэлгийн чиг баримжаа ч өөрчлөгдөж болдгийг би өөрийн жишээн дээр дэндүү тод томруун харчихсан, мэдэрчихсэн хүн. Гэтэл над шиг транс гей, эсвэл транс лесбияныг гей, лесбиян хүй олон нийт нь хэр хүлээж авдаг билээ? Найз залуу бид хоёрын буюу хоёр эр хүний харилцааг зарим нь бүр "стрэйт" харилцаа, эсвэл угаасаа гей найз залуугаас маань "Чи Анараатай яаж болдог юм? Чи гей байж яагаад Анараатай байдаг юм? Тэр чинь эмэгтэй штээ, лесбиян штээ" гэж намайг шилжилтэд ороод дөрвийн дөрвөн жил өнгөрчихсөн байхад доромжлох, найз залуугийн минь бэлгийн чиг баримжааг "шалгах" гэж үнссэн хүмүүс хүртэл гарсан. Хоёр эр хүн байна, нэг нь сиз, нөгөө нь транс, энэ хоёрын харилцаа гей л харилцаа. Гэвч ихэнх хүн одоо ч бэлгийн чиг баримжаа, хүйсийн баримжаа, илэрхийллийг хооронд нь холиод байгааг, тэр дундаа бүр өөрөө транс, трансаараа алдаршиж буй эмэгтэй телевизээр яриад байгаа нь, бас болоогүй транс байдлыг зөвхөн стиль имиж гэж яриад байгаа нь нийгэмд маш буруу ойлголт, мэдээлэл цацаж байгаагаараа дэндүү өрөөсгөл, аймаар, гутмаар.

Сэтгэцийн эрүүл мэндийн асуудлаар бичих болсон маань нэг иймэрхүү зэргийн асуудлуудаас болов. Дээр нь дөрвөн жилийн өмнө тулгарч байгаагүй нэг асуудал нэмэгдсэн байгааг өөрөө олж хараад, асуудлыг цэгцлэх ёстой гэж ойлгосон нь хүйсийн шилжилттэй холбоотой хамгийн нарийн нандин, чухал харилцаа болох миний гэрлэлт дууссан, экс-эхнэр бид хоёрын харилцаа үүнээс болж хүндэрсэн, үүнээс улбаатай салж байсан нь сэтгэлд томоос том шарх үлдээчиж. Шилжилтээсээ хойш анхны дотны харилцаагаа үүсгээд долоон сарын дараа юу олж харсан гэсэн чинь өмнө нь экс-эхнэр маань намайг транс гээд хаяж байсан, хайрлахаа байж байсан, миний транс байдлын талаар ярихыг ч хүсдэггүй, үгүйсгэдэг байсан нь эцэстээ гэр бүлийн хүчирхийлэл байсан, тэр нь эргээд надад хэнд ч итгэхгүй ийм сэтгэхүй үүсэхэд хүргэсэн аж. Итгэхгүйдээ хардаж зовоож, өөрөө ч баахан зовж байгаагаа хараад шийдвэрлэх ёстой асуудал мөнөөс мөн юм гэж ойлгосон. За ямар ч байсан ЛГБТ хүмүүсийн сэтгэцийн эрүүл мэндийн жишиг практикийн талаар ирэх долоо хоногт Жүүлий Кохын маань хийх сургалтууд үр өгөөжөө өгнө гэдэгт маш их итгэж байгаа.


Wednesday, June 3, 2015

За юу гэж бодож байна?


Иймэрхүү зүйл ЛГБТ хүмүүсийн өмнөөс хэлвэл хүмүүст хүрэх үү? 

 
My name is Anaraa Nyamdorj, and I am speaking today in front of you on behalf of LGBT people in Mongolia. As I am facing you, you see that I am alive, that I breathe, that I feel. What you don’t see, but can guess, is that I also love, hurt, feel cold and hot. You see a fellow human being. Yet, to the Government of Mongolia, I am less than that: to the Government of Mongolia, my life is valueless, my reality is inexistent except, of course, when I must pay my taxes. I believe my taxes contribute to salaries of civil servants who deliver education, healthcare, public safety, law enforcement and other vital public goods. Yet, I am harmed by the very people whose job it is to protect me from any undue harm.

When I, a lesbian, or a gay, or a bisexual, or a trans person, go to my family clinic, the intake form shouts that people like me do not exist. My daily varied medical needs are not seen as valid or specific, and therefore I do not receive the treatment and care that I need.   

When I, a lesbian, or a gay, or a bisexual, or a trans person, go to an education institution, a school or a university, I don’t see my daily reality in any school textbooks, any university curricula. Plus I am made fun of by both my classmates and teachers who call me names because of how I am, and worse: I get verbally and physically assaulted every other day. I often drop out of school or university because I can’t bear to face the hostile environment day after day. Or I often try to commit a suicide rather than face discrimination every day.

When I, a lesbian, or a gay, or a bisexual, or a trans person, go to work, I dread my colleagues. My colleagues taunt me, ask me inappropriate questions, boldly underline both Mr and Ms in my various invitations, I am assaulted verbally and physically by my supervisors. I often quit my job to maintain my sanity. Or I am fired, let go off. Often.

When I, a lesbian, or a gay, or a bisexual, or a trans person, fall in love, my love, my deepest human emotion is seen as invalid, inexistent, or even inhuman. My desire to wear a wedding band that publicly declares my life-long commitment to my same-sex partner is seen as superfluous.

When our children who are being lovingly brought up in a happy family by a same-sex couple go to a kindergarten, they don’t see themselves. They go to a kindergarten and come home tearful, tearful about the fact that their teacher said our family was not a family; that our family didn’t exist.

When I am attacked on the street for being who I am and for daring to express who I am, a lesbian, or a gay, or a bisexual, or a trans person, I do not approach the police seeking justice. In fact, I fear police because they did and will continue to harm me by their derogatory attitudes, words and gestures in relation to my sexual orientation or my gender identity and expression. Sometimes I am even beaten up by the police for simply asking questions.  

On a daily basis, I am harmed by discrimination. By invisibility. By forced silence about who I am and what I need. I am harmed by discrimination that impedes my inability to enjoy all my other rights. Discrimination pervades all areas of my life, and I am dehumanised, my life experiences are considered invalid. I am calling on you as fellow human beings to please help the government of Mongolia realise that every life is important, that every human is valuable beyond their taxpaying capacity, that everyone is equal so that finally the spirit of all international human rights jurisprudence that protects rights and dignity of every human being regardless of any distinction is realised in Mongolia.   

Crowdfunding!

As many of you know, we are doing an online crowdfunding for the first time in the history of the Centre, and it happens to be for the Equa...