Monday, July 6, 2015

sessions - II

last time you told me about your jealousy. do you want to tell me more about it?
yeah, i was jealous all the time. what was there to stop him from having side things if he was not in love with me? nothing. so i was always insecure. he never meant to choose me anyway, he always said to me that he never chose me. with me, it was a conscious choice: at the time i was in love with someone who did break my heart, and then i met my boyfriend online, and when he got back to mongolia, because he was our volunteer, we ended up hanging out quite a bit, and i found myself falling in love with him,  forgetting the previous heartbreak. but to hear again and again that he never chose me, that this life with me was something he never chose even after months of being together, that killed me every time.

so you're saying that your jealousy was because you felt he was not committed in this relationship?
yes. he told me time and again that he would rather go out and club or otherwise have fun with his friends without me. i could never understand that. i was so in love with him that i was ready to go wherever he went with whomever and be puppy-eyed adorer. instead, i was excluded from his life. every time i asked him to go and do something with me, he was either tired, or not in the mood, but he would go with his friends. without me. it's not like i wanted to hang out with him and his friends all the time, just some occasions would've been fine. i guess, i can't blame him for excluding me because if his friends didn't want to hang out with me, didn't accept our relationship as real, then perhaps he was trying to protect me from that feeling. anyway, yes, i did feel that he was not committed. a few times there were community parties, and when i asked him to go, he would always say no, but end up going alone without me under the pretext of being jealous about my feelings for my former flame whose paintings i buy from time to time as it's the only way to support the incredible talent he has. but yeah, excluded from fun and life he had outside our relationship. the playtime was the pits. i really felt i couldn't go any further.

what made you feel like you couldn't go further? what happened at the playtime?
he was so self-conscious about being with me there... when the band i saw for the first time in 1993 came on stage singing the songs i love, i hoped he would be around. he was not. he was standing aside with others. later he told me he was watching me. that was the state of our relationship: we were never together where it counted, he was always away and watching me, not with me. that night i left to  go back to the city in a bus. after getting to the city, i realised i left my key with his friend, and after waiting, i went back to get my key, ending up spending over hundred thousand for a few  hours of "distant pleasure".

did you work things out then?
then and every time before we would work it out, sort of, agreeing that this was what he was, that he couldn't be more than that, and then i got upset still because i would realise that this was not what i want from a relationship.

your feelings of jealousy are somewhat grounded, but they can't be justified. you can't make people feel like you do, and be jealous when they don't.
i know now. which is why i give up.

what was the breaking point that brought you here, now?
a few days ago we had a crisis helpline meeting with staff and volunteers, and his sister came by the office, and i said hi and continued with the meeting. he thought i never said hello. that really made me angry. his whole body was saying he was upset with me, and when i asked him if he was angry with me, he said yes, because i didn't say hello to his sister, and because i was also dismissive when his former employer came up with ridiculous claims about something being lost or stolen while he was on duty. it's true i always felt that he had way too much adoration for that horrible former boss of his, his admiration of her beauty and mind while all i saw was an incredible bimbo who is to never be trusted. he was always swindled on his pay, and the accusations came from the day he was not even paid.

so he got upset because you didn't say hello to his sister and you weren't there for him when he was being unjustly accused.
yes, he felt that because i told him "serves you right for trusting someone who should've never been trusted from the beginning". at the same time, i told him that his former boss must be simply trying not to pay his last salary by claiming to have lost whatever that she thought was lost. my immediate  reaction  was that because apparently it happened on 1 june, and that's enough time for anyone to have found that something was missing.

so between you feeling unloved and him feeling unsupported, you are at this situation. what do you think you should do now?
i just want to be alone if being together can lead to this amount of loneliness and feeling unloved. after nearly four years of being alone in every sense of the word after i separated from my ex-wife, this was the first ever relationship i had. plus, the first ever relationship post-transition, plus the first ever relationship with a man. of course, i gave it my all. but i can't anymore. why i am here is because i simply needed help for my grieving process.

do you think your boyfriend would've had a different type of a relationship with a cis person?
yes, i am absolutely sure. he identifies as gay, has been on the scene for a number of years, and he told me how he used to grope and touch other guys in private places when making out. so how come he doesn't do it with me. of course,  it would've been different. i think it's time he realised that as much as i realise it now.

sessions - I

where do you want to begin?


is that where you felt your relationship was?

not really, but with increasing feelings of loneliness and feeling unloved, i became detached. i was nowhere.

what do you mean?

i mean i felt excluded from his life. i felt he was ashamed of me, known to be with me, the added unnecessary burden of possibly being outed because of his relationship with me, the unwanted and un-chosen liability. plus we saw a relationship to be something different; each of us had certain ideas and expectations, which are normal and a part of the reality. whatever i had with him, i was ready to give up mostly because i didn't feel loved, and i realised throughout that being loved and feeling loved are as important to me as loving with every fiber of my soul and body. i didn't feel i was loved. so i never felt secure in our relationship, thinking always that he must be in love with someone else if he doesn't want to physically express his love and affection, that he must be involved with others. how could it be other way...

do you want to talk about your feelings of loneliness? what exactly made you feel lonely while in a relationship?

i felt we didn't share interests, so we didn't really speak about our dreams, or plans, or ideas and bigger pictures. without those, without sharing, without including each other in our innermost feelings, desires, plans, dreams a relationship becomes a mechanical routine of mundane chores nestled only in the sexual, physical. if the sexual, physical is fulfilling, it is still doable regardless of the fact that it is uninspiring, but if not, if one feels incomplete in terms of sexual fulfillment, the feelings of loneliness increase. many people tend to express their affection physically, it is almost natural to want to touch your partner, to feel them, to make them feel something or the other, it is almost an imperative. he never kissed my body. for him, i was just a torso, with a hole down there. he called it being mean, but it's worse than being mean. not loving enough and being mean are different.

do you think you want to work it out with your boyfriend?
i don't know. i am  not sure anything's going to work. i can't continue feeling unloved. he can't continue to be indifferent while claiming to love. we don't  even think of love in a same way. how did we even endure this long?...

you know how feelings change. how time changes the lens of perception. is it something you think you can get over in time and see that perhaps you two did love each other, very differently, maybe?
i know  feelings change. but my feelings about the state of my relationship could hardly change. because even if now he does try to be more physically affectionate, i will feel it is forced. because if he was in love, that desire to touch someone you love would come naturally. i don't think i can live with that feeling of being unloved. and all the feelings of jealousy. because the simple thing was:  if he didn't feel this way with me,  he must feel  it with others. it was almost inevitable that he was going to be physical with others because a month and a half into the relationship he said he found girls very sexually attractive. before that we  of course talked about other guys being sexy, and joking a few times about fucking them. and then two and a half months in, he said because i had a vagina, he didn't find me sexy enough. how can you blame someone after he hears the worst nightmare from his boyfriend's mouth only a few months into the relationship, the first few months of a relationship being quite foundational. i tried my best to make him feel loved, treasured, admired, accepted unconditionally. all i accomplished was fits of jealousy. unbrearable fits of jealousy spilled out in inability to sleep, consequently i woke him up a few times during the past eight months, because even he was asleep, he would always pull away, and that i took as him thinking about someone else, that he didn't find me sexy, that he would only be touched, never touch me. oh the blind jealousy! the insecurity. the exclusion. i never want to feel it again.

it's good you know what you want, at least. that's a good place to start.
which is why i've always asked him to really know what he wanted, if this was the relationship he wanted, because it often seemed to me like it was not, because of the reasons above.

how did he respond when you asked him to know what he wanted?
he always said that he gave it a thought and realised that this was the relationship he wanted, that he wanted me, that he wanted us together.

so what was the problem? why not trust his words?
exactly. his words that never came before i demanded them, and then words just stayed there. i never felt loved. it must be because he was not very physically expressive of his affection. and that too, it only pertained to certain parts of my body, so how could i feel fully loved anyway?


As many of you know, we are doing an online crowdfunding for the first time in the history of the Centre, and it happens to be for the Equa...