Monday, July 6, 2015

sessions - I

where do you want to begin?


is that where you felt your relationship was?

not really, but with increasing feelings of loneliness and feeling unloved, i became detached. i was nowhere.

what do you mean?

i mean i felt excluded from his life. i felt he was ashamed of me, known to be with me, the added unnecessary burden of possibly being outed because of his relationship with me, the unwanted and un-chosen liability. plus we saw a relationship to be something different; each of us had certain ideas and expectations, which are normal and a part of the reality. whatever i had with him, i was ready to give up mostly because i didn't feel loved, and i realised throughout that being loved and feeling loved are as important to me as loving with every fiber of my soul and body. i didn't feel i was loved. so i never felt secure in our relationship, thinking always that he must be in love with someone else if he doesn't want to physically express his love and affection, that he must be involved with others. how could it be other way...

do you want to talk about your feelings of loneliness? what exactly made you feel lonely while in a relationship?

i felt we didn't share interests, so we didn't really speak about our dreams, or plans, or ideas and bigger pictures. without those, without sharing, without including each other in our innermost feelings, desires, plans, dreams a relationship becomes a mechanical routine of mundane chores nestled only in the sexual, physical. if the sexual, physical is fulfilling, it is still doable regardless of the fact that it is uninspiring, but if not, if one feels incomplete in terms of sexual fulfillment, the feelings of loneliness increase. many people tend to express their affection physically, it is almost natural to want to touch your partner, to feel them, to make them feel something or the other, it is almost an imperative. he never kissed my body. for him, i was just a torso, with a hole down there. he called it being mean, but it's worse than being mean. not loving enough and being mean are different.

do you think you want to work it out with your boyfriend?
i don't know. i am  not sure anything's going to work. i can't continue feeling unloved. he can't continue to be indifferent while claiming to love. we don't  even think of love in a same way. how did we even endure this long?...

you know how feelings change. how time changes the lens of perception. is it something you think you can get over in time and see that perhaps you two did love each other, very differently, maybe?
i know  feelings change. but my feelings about the state of my relationship could hardly change. because even if now he does try to be more physically affectionate, i will feel it is forced. because if he was in love, that desire to touch someone you love would come naturally. i don't think i can live with that feeling of being unloved. and all the feelings of jealousy. because the simple thing was:  if he didn't feel this way with me,  he must feel  it with others. it was almost inevitable that he was going to be physical with others because a month and a half into the relationship he said he found girls very sexually attractive. before that we  of course talked about other guys being sexy, and joking a few times about fucking them. and then two and a half months in, he said because i had a vagina, he didn't find me sexy enough. how can you blame someone after he hears the worst nightmare from his boyfriend's mouth only a few months into the relationship, the first few months of a relationship being quite foundational. i tried my best to make him feel loved, treasured, admired, accepted unconditionally. all i accomplished was fits of jealousy. unbrearable fits of jealousy spilled out in inability to sleep, consequently i woke him up a few times during the past eight months, because even he was asleep, he would always pull away, and that i took as him thinking about someone else, that he didn't find me sexy, that he would only be touched, never touch me. oh the blind jealousy! the insecurity. the exclusion. i never want to feel it again.

it's good you know what you want, at least. that's a good place to start.
which is why i've always asked him to really know what he wanted, if this was the relationship he wanted, because it often seemed to me like it was not, because of the reasons above.

how did he respond when you asked him to know what he wanted?
he always said that he gave it a thought and realised that this was the relationship he wanted, that he wanted me, that he wanted us together.

so what was the problem? why not trust his words?
exactly. his words that never came before i demanded them, and then words just stayed there. i never felt loved. it must be because he was not very physically expressive of his affection. and that too, it only pertained to certain parts of my body, so how could i feel fully loved anyway?

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