Monday, July 6, 2015

sessions - II

last time you told me about your jealousy. do you want to tell me more about it?
yeah, i was jealous all the time. what was there to stop him from having side things if he was not in love with me? nothing. so i was always insecure. he never meant to choose me anyway, he always said to me that he never chose me. with me, it was a conscious choice: at the time i was in love with someone who did break my heart, and then i met my boyfriend online, and when he got back to mongolia, because he was our volunteer, we ended up hanging out quite a bit, and i found myself falling in love with him,  forgetting the previous heartbreak. but to hear again and again that he never chose me, that this life with me was something he never chose even after months of being together, that killed me every time.

so you're saying that your jealousy was because you felt he was not committed in this relationship?
yes. he told me time and again that he would rather go out and club or otherwise have fun with his friends without me. i could never understand that. i was so in love with him that i was ready to go wherever he went with whomever and be puppy-eyed adorer. instead, i was excluded from his life. every time i asked him to go and do something with me, he was either tired, or not in the mood, but he would go with his friends. without me. it's not like i wanted to hang out with him and his friends all the time, just some occasions would've been fine. i guess, i can't blame him for excluding me because if his friends didn't want to hang out with me, didn't accept our relationship as real, then perhaps he was trying to protect me from that feeling. anyway, yes, i did feel that he was not committed. a few times there were community parties, and when i asked him to go, he would always say no, but end up going alone without me under the pretext of being jealous about my feelings for my former flame whose paintings i buy from time to time as it's the only way to support the incredible talent he has. but yeah, excluded from fun and life he had outside our relationship. the playtime was the pits. i really felt i couldn't go any further.

what made you feel like you couldn't go further? what happened at the playtime?
he was so self-conscious about being with me there... when the band i saw for the first time in 1993 came on stage singing the songs i love, i hoped he would be around. he was not. he was standing aside with others. later he told me he was watching me. that was the state of our relationship: we were never together where it counted, he was always away and watching me, not with me. that night i left to  go back to the city in a bus. after getting to the city, i realised i left my key with his friend, and after waiting, i went back to get my key, ending up spending over hundred thousand for a few  hours of "distant pleasure".

did you work things out then?
then and every time before we would work it out, sort of, agreeing that this was what he was, that he couldn't be more than that, and then i got upset still because i would realise that this was not what i want from a relationship.

your feelings of jealousy are somewhat grounded, but they can't be justified. you can't make people feel like you do, and be jealous when they don't.
i know now. which is why i give up.

what was the breaking point that brought you here, now?
a few days ago we had a crisis helpline meeting with staff and volunteers, and his sister came by the office, and i said hi and continued with the meeting. he thought i never said hello. that really made me angry. his whole body was saying he was upset with me, and when i asked him if he was angry with me, he said yes, because i didn't say hello to his sister, and because i was also dismissive when his former employer came up with ridiculous claims about something being lost or stolen while he was on duty. it's true i always felt that he had way too much adoration for that horrible former boss of his, his admiration of her beauty and mind while all i saw was an incredible bimbo who is to never be trusted. he was always swindled on his pay, and the accusations came from the day he was not even paid.

so he got upset because you didn't say hello to his sister and you weren't there for him when he was being unjustly accused.
yes, he felt that because i told him "serves you right for trusting someone who should've never been trusted from the beginning". at the same time, i told him that his former boss must be simply trying not to pay his last salary by claiming to have lost whatever that she thought was lost. my immediate  reaction  was that because apparently it happened on 1 june, and that's enough time for anyone to have found that something was missing.

so between you feeling unloved and him feeling unsupported, you are at this situation. what do you think you should do now?
i just want to be alone if being together can lead to this amount of loneliness and feeling unloved. after nearly four years of being alone in every sense of the word after i separated from my ex-wife, this was the first ever relationship i had. plus, the first ever relationship post-transition, plus the first ever relationship with a man. of course, i gave it my all. but i can't anymore. why i am here is because i simply needed help for my grieving process.

do you think your boyfriend would've had a different type of a relationship with a cis person?
yes, i am absolutely sure. he identifies as gay, has been on the scene for a number of years, and he told me how he used to grope and touch other guys in private places when making out. so how come he doesn't do it with me. of course,  it would've been different. i think it's time he realised that as much as i realise it now.

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