Monday, November 30, 2015

a sad, sad world

i'd rather be dead than with my ex.

i'd rather be dead.

he thinks he had loved me without knowing me. but really that is not love, is it.

he thought of my every loving touch as oppressive. he saw every sex act of ours as rape, of me raping him. tell me, IS THAT LOVE?

of course, not.

LOVE IS NOT THIS.

i wish he would be fucking HONEST. tell me and the world what he went through and what he made me go through.

alas he's a fucking chickenshit and will remain so.

four days ago i heard for the first time something i'd known and felt for a long time, that all i did to make him happy sexually was RAPE. because all i did was to make him happy, which he took as OPPRESSIVE. he said the very thought of having sex with me oppressed him, disgusted him.  why was he with me, then?...

no.

no.

no.

no.

no.

never.

never again.

i'd rather be DEAD than with someone who thinks my every caress is violence.

and after a year, come to think of it, I AM DEAD.

Sunday, November 29, 2015

'forever' is made up of 'now's

patterns repeating. patterns of souls repeating themselves at different eras. being flung back into the space of the bygone eras as they were, feelings never changing, flailing to breathe,  to make sense. always failing. with every failure, the only thing holding me afloat is the sense that i gave it all. that i gave my all. to each and every thing i did. to each and every human i'd loved.

still the meaning eludes. still patterns remain. still, i seem to be only one loving more. or loving at all.

there is very little love one finds in one's lifetime. unless it is obsessive and all-encompassing, should one even call it love? unless and until it is with the utmost care for the one you love, should one even claim it to be love? no, and no.

forever is made up of now. or nows. if those were found to be lacking in spirit, courage and feeling, one can't be blamed for still beig the seeker.

Friday, November 13, 2015

Misery

The day before I took my colleagues out to dinner, by way of apology for the drama they had had to witness thanks to the inevitable, but nonetheless messy breakup that's been ongoing since mid-August. A lovely Indian dinner, a comfort food for my soul. During the dinner, I noticed he was already hitting other people up, chatting away on his gay account, and smiling, smiling away his little smile he gets when he chats with people whom he likes... I felt sad. No, it actually gutted me in a way I didn't expect, thus insomnia for the second night in a row. All I could think of saying then was, "I don't even know when I'm going to be able to think about dating again, but I guess I will have to start, at some point." He looked up, and looked at me for the first time during the dinner, my words and their significance sinking in. Maybe. 

Not that it really matters that he's already hooking up with others. I will only be glad to see him move on. Hell, I will be ecstatic to see him fall in love with someone truly and to finally admit to me that what he felt for me was never love. When he understands that, feels that, realises that my wasted year will be vindicated. Never the feelings, obviously. I was in love with him, I did love him. Wholeheartedly. Till sometime early this year. Till the realisation hit that he never felt any true emotion towards me. Did it hurt that he was already in active search for the next dude to suck his dick on a constant basis? Not really. I guess I just didn't realise that he would do so this soon, not even ten days post-separation: a swift slap in the face reminding me that everything I felt from him - nothing - was illustrated and thrust in my face this soon.

Every time I go through a heartbreak, I feel scared. I feel extremely scared. I can't even think about falling in love again, but of course, I will, eventually. But right now, all I am is an awful feeling of sinking, sinking, sinking... My first gay relationship, my first relationship post-transition, what a misery it had been, and it's still continuing.

Monday, November 9, 2015

Хувийн тамууд

Хүний оршихуйн нэг илэрхийлэл болох хүмүүсийн харилцаанд "нийгэм", "хүмүүс" хүссэн хүсээгүй тод үүрэг гүйцэтгэдэг. Яг үнэндээ жинхэнэ "хувийн харилцаа" гэж огт байдаггүй, үлгэр төдий ойлголт гэж би боддог. "Хувийн" гээд байгаа харилцаанд ч нэгээс илүү хүн байгаа, нэмээд наад зах нь тэр хоёр хүний сайн сайхныг бодсон, тэр хоёрт сайн сайхныг хүссэн хүмүүс шууд бус ч байж л байдаг, бүр ямар ч нууц хувийн харилцаанд. Нийгэм, хүмүүс ямар ч харилцаанд байдаг л учир хүн чамтай байгаагаа бусдаас нуух гэж үхтлээ оролдож байвал тэр хүн чамд огт хайргүйг хүлээн зөвшөөрөөд хурдан тэр зовлонт орон зайгаасаа салаарай. Учир нь хүн өөрөө зовохоор бусдыг ч зовоож эхэлдэг. 

Өнгөрсөн нэг жил хамт амьдарчаад, нэг жилийнхээ ойгоор түүнээс бүрмөсөн салахыг сонгосон экс найз залуугийн надад үлдээсэн сэтгэлийн энэ там. Надаас зовж ичсэндээ хэзээ ч хүмүүст намайг танилцуулж байгаагүй, намайг уурлаж, гомдоллодог болсны дараа бага багаар хоёр найздаа хэлснээс бусдаар хэзээ ч намайг "Миний найз залуу" гэж хүнд танилцуулж байгаагүй, хамт гадуур байхдаа Монголын орчинд хэцүү ч боломжийн орон зайд ч үнэндээ л найз залуу шиг хэзээ ч байхгүй байхыг сонгосоор байсан энэ хүн миний сэтгэлийн там болоод олон сар болж. Намайг, харилцаагаа нуух оролдлого, үйлдэл бүр нь амьдралаасаа гадуур байлгах оролдлого байсныг огт мэдээгүй, хараагүй. Надаас ичдэгтээ, над шиг хүнтэй хамт байгаадаа санаа зовдогтоо намайг нууцлахыг хүсдэг байж. Тэр болгонд нь "Энэ хүн надад үнэхээр хайртай байсан бол надаас ингэж ичихгүй дээ" гэх бодол үлдсээр, хайргүй нь өдөр бүр батлагдсаар өнгөрсөн энэ нэг жил дэндүү том сэтгэлийн там байж гэдэг эцсийн дүгнэлтэд хүрээд суух.

Сүүлийн хэдэн ч сар би түүнээс бараг өдөр бүр "Чи яах гэж надтай байгаа  юм бэ?" гэдэг асуултыг асуусан ч, хариулт нь хуурамч жүжиглэл төдийхөн. Би өөрөө ганцаардсандаа юуг хүлээн зөвшөөрөөд, ямар гээчийн там өөртөө, цаашлаад түүнд үүсгэчээд явж байсныг хэлэмгүй. Хүйсийн шилжилтийнхээ дараа би өөрөө өөртөө хэчнээн их хайртай болж, биеэ хүртэл хайрладаг болсон ч миний амьдралд намайг хайрлах хүн огт гарч ирэхгүй, бие сэтгэлээр ганцаардахыг дэндүү сайн мэдэрсэн. Экс эхнэрээ ч маш их санадаг болсон. Хэчнээн тэр зөвхөн миний биед хайртай нэгэн болж таарсан ч ядаж л намайг ширтэх харц нь хайрыг дандаа мэдрүүлдэг байсныг нь санадаг болсон. Гурван жил хагас, бараг л дөврөн жил би хэчнээн хүмүүст дурласан ч, хайрласан ч үүнийг минь хүлээж аваагүй учир бараг л анх "За" гэсэн эксдээ сэтгэл, бие, оюунаа зориулаад явж байхдаа сэтгэл сийчсэн үйлдэл бүрийг нь уучилж, мартахыг сонгож байсан ч одоо ч, тэр үед ч харах ёстой зүйлийг олж хараагүйдээ, өөрийгөө тэнэгтүүлж байсандаа би л буруутай.

Хэдэн хоногийн өмнө түүнтэй ярих гээд чадахгүй, утсаа салгаад байхаар нь дүүрүү нь залгаж ярьтал "Чи миний дүүрүү ярьдаг хэн бэ?"-г өнөөдөр сонсов. Мэдээж бид хоёрын харилцааг хагас дутуу мэддэг ганц түүний дотны хүн байсан учир яагаад болохгүй гэж бодсон чинь үгүй байж, мэдээж тэр л "нийгэм", тэр л "хүмүүс" гэдэг зүйл бид хоёрын харилцаанд огт байгаагүй, байлгахыг тэр хүсдэггүй учир. Чи хайртай ч чиний хамт амьдраад байгаа хүн чамд огт хайргүйг мэдрэх шиг адгийн там байхгүй. Тэгснээс үхсэн минь дээр. Намайг хайрлаагүй хоосон сэтгэлээрээ миний амьдралын нэг жилийг алсан алуурчинтай одоо ярих зүйлгүй. Ядаж л адгийн хуурамч байснаараа жинхэнэ зүйлсийг надад сануулсанд нь баярлалаа гээд орхих.

Биеийн шарх сорви эдгэх ч сэтгэлийнх эдгэдэггүй...

Sunday, November 8, 2015

I am holding you for the first time in a week

I am holding you for the first time in a week, I am holding you in my arms, my body wrapped behind you. I have always assumed that position with most of all my lovers, more so with some than others. Tonight it's tears and the reflections of the fire dancing around in the hearth.

"I love these reflections. I love watching fire and its reflections."
"I've always hated that. Only people who'd never felt the hardships of living in the ger district say this."

I am speechless. 

Tears I can't control dampen your neck and your right shoulder as they flow. I am breathing you in, like I had done for the majority of 365 days that was all about you. Your body reaction tells me you've missed me, too. Your muscles contract, you push your bottom against my loins, all I am is frozen, sad, tearful and complaining.

Of so many facts that was our relationship. Of so many things that you had done that can never be put right, like the things I've done to you that can't be put right, ever.

To feel the loneliness to the point of extinction while being so in love with someone and while living with them: this was my relationship for the past year. I had done what's humanly possible and impossible then. But I no longer can. I no longer wish to be dead inside while supposedly in a relationship with someone who claims to hold me the dearest.

I'd rather be dead than with someone who made me feel  like this for majority of the year I had spent with him.

"How can you say these things when we're just making up?"
"But we're not making up! This, here, is not making up!!!"

He angrily gets up, puts his clothes on, moves onto his bed.

"You shall never understand me."
"As you never have understood me! The fact that you talked about my body to others, how dare you?! How the fuck did you ever think I was going to be alright with that?!"

I am seeing the reality of our relationship ever again, feeling, seeing...

All I can think is, "I deserve love, not this infinitely indifferent and self-righteous, self-serving, extreme egotistical feeling that masquerades as  love".

"This is not making up. I only felt cold. I know this is over. I hoped you surely did, too."

 ***

I am ready  to go on. I  left  long ago. He never knew. To  make him I understand I really made a true effort this time. No one shall mistake violence for love.

Never again will I settle with someone who makes me feel unloved, undesired, misunderstood and lonely. NEVER AGAIN, I'd been through too much to stand for  shit anymore, not  in my personal life, ever.

That's it. No more shall I ever get involved with anyone who's not more in love  with me than I am with him or her.

I AM SO DONE.

Wednesday, November 4, 2015

Dreams = intuition

I was just cleaning one of my email inboxes of years of shit, and I just found an email that made me smile and go "Dang, I am intuitive!" I'd noted and sent an email to myself on 14 September 2011, a bewildered note that goes:
Dang, I'm weird. I mean my dreams are weird. They are sometimes so true, but sometimes so off-base it is liver-crushingly hilarious. Maybe it is me, after all, who's weird. I dreamt that I was enjoying the body of a trans guy. That sounds really tame, but it wasn't, believe me, not if one gets the magnitude of what I was doing to him. There is just one other trans guy around in my vicinity, my bro. He's as fanciable as a ton of bricks crushing a one-cell organism, unless and until one's into that kind of thing. Very un-me. Thank god it wasn't my bro, I would've woken up much shaken in the face of the travesty, drenched up in cold sweat over the question "Just what in the hell was I doing to him just then?!" For hours I didn't even remember that dream, then bam! - a dream memory of a tall, lanky, good-looking Caucasian trans guy on a table, of all the places, me pouring myself out into all that action eliciting such exquisite response... That was definitely truly weird, because I never thought about trans men or cis men sexually. Where did that come from?!...
My gay feelings began, unbeknownst to me, already in September 2011. Good god. I guess I am where I am supposed to be, after all, given all my dreams have often materialised shocking the hell out of me later on upon realisation that I, indeed, had done this or that in my dream before the reality hit.

Tuesday, November 3, 2015

Surveillance, breakup, decompression, etc.

The fact that we live in the Orwellian world of extreme surveillance is no longer a paranoid figment of one's imagination. It is the truth, it is the fact. Oftentimes we unknowingly consent to being tracked by different applications, website services, etc, and god knows what happens to our data, and how it will be used by those who happen upon it. Other times, like the time two weeks ago, I was shouted at by a young trans girl to untag her from my Facebook post asking trans girls to respond to my question of how we can promote respect within the trans women's community that is increasingly becoming extremely violent to the extent of some girls kidnapping others and taking them out of the city to beat them (something that only some extreme fringe violent groups engaged in six-seven years ago), because "All your keystrokes are recorded and seen by the police, don't you know?" Dear ignorant girl, yes, I've been aware of the fact of illegitimate surveillance of my person for the longest time, don't you worry. And never have I worried. To be honest, I never hid any of my activities. Had I chosen that path, I would've never become a human rights activist, neither have I been the co-founder of the LGBT Centre. As fate would have it, here I am, and this is me: you get what you see, unlike so many others.

Having worked officially and unofficially for  the longest time for the community of people I feel soul-connection with, I knew I was compromising my right to stay anonymous, to stay in the private sphere, if I chose it. I never had a choice about being a public figure, I knew I had to start creating the reality so that next generation could have better life than I did. But what really erked me was she was upset and shouting at me to the extent of "I know what kind of dirty porn you watch!" I am like "Hello?! I watch porn, and I know I watch porn, and I know every adult more or less does watch porn, so what the fuck is wrong with that?!" As long as I am not sharing the porn I am watching, who the hell is she or anyone, to that matter, to pass a moral judgement on what I do in the privacy of my own home, on my computer? I am going to bring a case against the intelligence agency to disclose to me or to my legal representatives on what grounds I am being surveilled, and on what grounds that surveillance data is being disclosed to lay people like that trans girl.

Breakup: well, that's been in the brewing for the longest time. For a year, I fought to feel loved. For a year, I banged my head against the wall about the callousness of my ex, about the things he would say or do without any consideration of how that would affect me, my reactions, and my love for him. For the longest time, I was speechless at the fact that he was choosing to do the things I would've never done to a trans significant other. Which I responded to in an extremely undignified manner, stripping away his dignity as well in the process. At the end of the day, no one should be made to undergo the sort of things I had been subjected to. So thanks, but no thanks. Of course, it's hurting, of course, it's tough, but I am choosing a different reality, and that's the best given our circumstances. When the time comes, I will write another entry in my blog about the extent of damage that I had been done, and that I had done. In due course. All I can say is it was high time I was out of that headspace and oppressing reality where I felt insecure and unloved from the beginning till the end. Oh, the things I felt!... Oh, the things I made him feel in return - priceless, but unnecessary for the peace of one's mind. All my life I fought for the space for myself and for others like me. I didn't need to fight for something in my private life, but I was fighting, and it was hard. It was cruel.

The etc part: about 10 days ago I took my ex to meet my mom. I wish I hadn't. Because she didn't remember his name, although I had talked to her about him many times, I got upset. All I got from my ex was incredulity: how can you be angry with your mother? Because I can: all my life I had fought for the people  I loved to be accepted as a part of me. After nearly 20 years, she did the greatest faux pas, but that was completely lost on him. I guess the etc parts are the most important, at the end of the day. One should  not ignore the smallest things. All minute things, at the end, make up the big. So all is good. At least, am peaceful.

Decompression: so now that I am no longer planning to start accumulating the mortgage downpayment for a studio to live in with my then significant other, I am thinking of ways I can indulge myself, from time to time. So I guess, I am definitely going to start making some plans for the winter break, no longer in San-Fran, but elsewhere where I'd never been to (Africa?! But that's going to be way toooooo expensive...). Decompression's needed, and needed badly. Till then, hard work and no play.

PS: I have reinstalled Firefox in my comp recently. Wonder of wonders, no more hanging windows, nor CPU running at 100%. F*ck you, Google!

Crowdfunding!

As many of you know, we are doing an online crowdfunding for the first time in the history of the Centre, and it happens to be for the Equa...