Sunday, November 8, 2015

I am holding you for the first time in a week

I am holding you for the first time in a week, I am holding you in my arms, my body wrapped behind you. I have always assumed that position with most of all my lovers, more so with some than others. Tonight it's tears and the reflections of the fire dancing around in the hearth.

"I love these reflections. I love watching fire and its reflections."
"I've always hated that. Only people who'd never felt the hardships of living in the ger district say this."

I am speechless. 

Tears I can't control dampen your neck and your right shoulder as they flow. I am breathing you in, like I had done for the majority of 365 days that was all about you. Your body reaction tells me you've missed me, too. Your muscles contract, you push your bottom against my loins, all I am is frozen, sad, tearful and complaining.

Of so many facts that was our relationship. Of so many things that you had done that can never be put right, like the things I've done to you that can't be put right, ever.

To feel the loneliness to the point of extinction while being so in love with someone and while living with them: this was my relationship for the past year. I had done what's humanly possible and impossible then. But I no longer can. I no longer wish to be dead inside while supposedly in a relationship with someone who claims to hold me the dearest.

I'd rather be dead than with someone who made me feel  like this for majority of the year I had spent with him.

"How can you say these things when we're just making up?"
"But we're not making up! This, here, is not making up!!!"

He angrily gets up, puts his clothes on, moves onto his bed.

"You shall never understand me."
"As you never have understood me! The fact that you talked about my body to others, how dare you?! How the fuck did you ever think I was going to be alright with that?!"

I am seeing the reality of our relationship ever again, feeling, seeing...

All I can think is, "I deserve love, not this infinitely indifferent and self-righteous, self-serving, extreme egotistical feeling that masquerades as  love".

"This is not making up. I only felt cold. I know this is over. I hoped you surely did, too."


I am ready  to go on. I  left  long ago. He never knew. To  make him I understand I really made a true effort this time. No one shall mistake violence for love.

Never again will I settle with someone who makes me feel unloved, undesired, misunderstood and lonely. NEVER AGAIN, I'd been through too much to stand for  shit anymore, not  in my personal life, ever.

That's it. No more shall I ever get involved with anyone who's not more in love  with me than I am with him or her.


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