Friday, November 13, 2015

Misery

The day before I took my colleagues out to dinner, by way of apology for the drama they had had to witness thanks to the inevitable, but nonetheless messy breakup that's been ongoing since mid-August. A lovely Indian dinner, a comfort food for my soul. During the dinner, I noticed he was already hitting other people up, chatting away on his gay account, and smiling, smiling away his little smile he gets when he chats with people whom he likes... I felt sad. No, it actually gutted me in a way I didn't expect, thus insomnia for the second night in a row. All I could think of saying then was, "I don't even know when I'm going to be able to think about dating again, but I guess I will have to start, at some point." He looked up, and looked at me for the first time during the dinner, my words and their significance sinking in. Maybe. 

Not that it really matters that he's already hooking up with others. I will only be glad to see him move on. Hell, I will be ecstatic to see him fall in love with someone truly and to finally admit to me that what he felt for me was never love. When he understands that, feels that, realises that my wasted year will be vindicated. Never the feelings, obviously. I was in love with him, I did love him. Wholeheartedly. Till sometime early this year. Till the realisation hit that he never felt any true emotion towards me. Did it hurt that he was already in active search for the next dude to suck his dick on a constant basis? Not really. I guess I just didn't realise that he would do so this soon, not even ten days post-separation: a swift slap in the face reminding me that everything I felt from him - nothing - was illustrated and thrust in my face this soon.

Every time I go through a heartbreak, I feel scared. I feel extremely scared. I can't even think about falling in love again, but of course, I will, eventually. But right now, all I am is an awful feeling of sinking, sinking, sinking... My first gay relationship, my first relationship post-transition, what a misery it had been, and it's still continuing.

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