Tuesday, November 3, 2015

Surveillance, breakup, decompression, etc.

The fact that we live in the Orwellian world of extreme surveillance is no longer a paranoid figment of one's imagination. It is the truth, it is the fact. Oftentimes we unknowingly consent to being tracked by different applications, website services, etc, and god knows what happens to our data, and how it will be used by those who happen upon it. Other times, like the time two weeks ago, I was shouted at by a young trans girl to untag her from my Facebook post asking trans girls to respond to my question of how we can promote respect within the trans women's community that is increasingly becoming extremely violent to the extent of some girls kidnapping others and taking them out of the city to beat them (something that only some extreme fringe violent groups engaged in six-seven years ago), because "All your keystrokes are recorded and seen by the police, don't you know?" Dear ignorant girl, yes, I've been aware of the fact of illegitimate surveillance of my person for the longest time, don't you worry. And never have I worried. To be honest, I never hid any of my activities. Had I chosen that path, I would've never become a human rights activist, neither have I been the co-founder of the LGBT Centre. As fate would have it, here I am, and this is me: you get what you see, unlike so many others.

Having worked officially and unofficially for  the longest time for the community of people I feel soul-connection with, I knew I was compromising my right to stay anonymous, to stay in the private sphere, if I chose it. I never had a choice about being a public figure, I knew I had to start creating the reality so that next generation could have better life than I did. But what really erked me was she was upset and shouting at me to the extent of "I know what kind of dirty porn you watch!" I am like "Hello?! I watch porn, and I know I watch porn, and I know every adult more or less does watch porn, so what the fuck is wrong with that?!" As long as I am not sharing the porn I am watching, who the hell is she or anyone, to that matter, to pass a moral judgement on what I do in the privacy of my own home, on my computer? I am going to bring a case against the intelligence agency to disclose to me or to my legal representatives on what grounds I am being surveilled, and on what grounds that surveillance data is being disclosed to lay people like that trans girl.

Breakup: well, that's been in the brewing for the longest time. For a year, I fought to feel loved. For a year, I banged my head against the wall about the callousness of my ex, about the things he would say or do without any consideration of how that would affect me, my reactions, and my love for him. For the longest time, I was speechless at the fact that he was choosing to do the things I would've never done to a trans significant other. Which I responded to in an extremely undignified manner, stripping away his dignity as well in the process. At the end of the day, no one should be made to undergo the sort of things I had been subjected to. So thanks, but no thanks. Of course, it's hurting, of course, it's tough, but I am choosing a different reality, and that's the best given our circumstances. When the time comes, I will write another entry in my blog about the extent of damage that I had been done, and that I had done. In due course. All I can say is it was high time I was out of that headspace and oppressing reality where I felt insecure and unloved from the beginning till the end. Oh, the things I felt!... Oh, the things I made him feel in return - priceless, but unnecessary for the peace of one's mind. All my life I fought for the space for myself and for others like me. I didn't need to fight for something in my private life, but I was fighting, and it was hard. It was cruel.

The etc part: about 10 days ago I took my ex to meet my mom. I wish I hadn't. Because she didn't remember his name, although I had talked to her about him many times, I got upset. All I got from my ex was incredulity: how can you be angry with your mother? Because I can: all my life I had fought for the people  I loved to be accepted as a part of me. After nearly 20 years, she did the greatest faux pas, but that was completely lost on him. I guess the etc parts are the most important, at the end of the day. One should  not ignore the smallest things. All minute things, at the end, make up the big. So all is good. At least, am peaceful.

Decompression: so now that I am no longer planning to start accumulating the mortgage downpayment for a studio to live in with my then significant other, I am thinking of ways I can indulge myself, from time to time. So I guess, I am definitely going to start making some plans for the winter break, no longer in San-Fran, but elsewhere where I'd never been to (Africa?! But that's going to be way toooooo expensive...). Decompression's needed, and needed badly. Till then, hard work and no play.

PS: I have reinstalled Firefox in my comp recently. Wonder of wonders, no more hanging windows, nor CPU running at 100%. F*ck you, Google!

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