Monday, December 28, 2015

аймшгийн киноны задлан

12-р сарын 3: төрсөн өдрөөрөө амьдралдаа анх үерхсэн, хамт амьдраад сар болсон байсан хайртыгаа дотны цөөн найзууддаа танилцуулах гэж жижиг партий хийв. гол хүн маань партийнаас хамгийн эхэнд явав. гэртээ очиход шалгалтандаа ч бэлтгэлгүй унтсан байв. 12-р сарын 30: надад шинэ жилийн бэлэг аваагүй ч найзууддаа авна гэхэд нь би уурлав, түлхэв. 1-р сарын 19: экс шалгалттай учир гэртээ шалгалтандаа бэлтгээд, би гурван найзтайгаа 6 бараар тэнэн, гэртээ тас орсон гэсэн. шалгалтыг нь бас бэлтгүүлээд баахан суусан гэсэн. тэгээд хайртай залуутайгаа "секс хийе" гэхэд тэр үгүй гэхэд би уурлаад "чи надад хайргүй" гээд цааш харж хэвтсэн гэсэн. тэгэхэд тэр босч, гал тогоонд ор засаад унтсан гэсэн. "чи надад хайргүй байж яагаад энд байгаа юм?" гээд түүний толгойруу цохиж байхдаа ухаан орсон. хөөсөн. тас согтуу ч үхмээр санагдав. хамаг үсээ зулгаав. 1-р сарын 31: хоёр дүү нь ирсэн байсан учир найз залуутайгаа секс хийх боломжгүйд "we can't have sex with people around" гэж өглөө түүнд шивнэн гомдоллосныг чих муутай экс "you suck at sex" гэж сонсоод надад анх удаа жинхэнээсээ хайргүйгээ мэдрүүлэх, намайг транс гэдгийг мэдсээр байтал бие эрхтэнээр минь доромжлох үг хэлэв: "чи ийм биетэй учир би чамтай секс хийж чаддаггүй". өглөөний 8 цаг. шууд хувцсаа өмсч гараад, 4 цаг ажил дээрээ уйлав, өдөржин үхмэл чихмэл царайтай хүнэнцэр бодсон ганц зүйл нь "үхэх юмсан..." зүрхий цус юүлэгдэж эхлэв. 2-р сарын 14-ний өдөр: "чи бид хоёр гэрлэх боломжтой. одоо гэрлэвэл хүйсийн тэмдэглэгээгээ өөрчилсний дараа бид хоёрын гэрлэлтийг хүчин төгөлдөр биш гэж үзвэл энэ асуудлыг Үндсэн хуулийн цэц хүртэл явж шийдүүлээд ижил хүйсийн гэрлэлтийг боломжтой болгох боломж бий", "чи юу яриад байгаа юм бэ, би хэт залуу байна." 2-р сарын 17-ны орой: "чи ханзод хүртэл миний найз залуу гэдгээ мэдэгдэхээс ичиж, хүмүүсийн дэргэд найз мэт явдаг байж яагаад надтай хамт байдаг юм бэ?" цусаар уйлж эхлэв. 2-р сарын 24-ний орой: "бүх эксүүдийн нүднээс хайр гэрэлтдэг байсан ч чинийхээс үгүй" гэж би асуусанд нь үнэнээрээ хариулав. тэр шөнө явна гэхэд нь гуйж үлдээгээд, унтаж байгаа түүний царайг ширтэн шөнөжин, өглөөжин, өдөр 15 цаг хүртэл уйлаад бангкокыг зорив. "ирэхэд чинь би явчихсан байна". "чи намайг иртэл л байчих, өөр юу ч гуйхгүй." бангкокт байх 5 таван хоног шөнө бүр уйлж, өдөржин үхмэл чихмэл царайлсан хар дарсан өдрүүд. 3-р сарын 2-ны орой: "хоёулаа сүй тавья, би чамд хайртай, хоёулаа албан ёсоор хос гэдгээ ядаж хүмүүст мэдэгдье". "үгүй дээ. өвөө намайг хэзээ ч хуруундаа бөгж зүүж болохгүй гэсэн." "тэгвэл хоёулаа хамт байж яахав дээ." 3-р сарын 21-ний орой: хаврын баяр. тоглож байгаад тоглоомдоо хэт автаад "өө ийм юм мэддэггүй, тэнэг юм уу?" гэсэнд минь уурлалаа. тайвшруулах гэж оролдлоо. бараг л тайвширсан юм шиг байхаар нь цамцан дотор нь гараа хийгээд илэхэд гар авч шидэв. орой нь партийнд явна гэж байсан ч дурамжхан дуугараад байсан учир шууд гарч явж гэртээ ирэв. виский ууж байгаад нүүрлүү нь цацав. алгадав. алгадуулав. партийнд явахгүй гэж байсан экс гарч партийдав. шөнөжингөө залгахад утсаа авалгүй гадуур хонов. 4-р сарын 10: "би чамайг хэзээ ч сонгоогүй". 4-р сарын 16: "би чамайг хэзээ ч сонгоогүй". 6-р сарын 9: гадаадад ажлаар явж байхад огт холбогдохгүй байсанд нь гайхаж, гутарч, хардаж... 6-р сарын 15: "би чамайг хэзээ ч сонгоогүй" 6-р сарын 27: хамт плэйтаймд явсан ч надад олдсонгүй. надаас ичдэгээрээ ичсэн байв. шөнө ганцаараа хотруу ирсэн ч найз нь гэрийн түлхүүр аваад өгөхөө мартсан учир буцаж явав. замдаа бүрмөсөн салахаар шийдэв. 7-р сарын 2: "чи миний дүүтэй мэндэлсэнгүй, бид хоёрыг авч хоолонд орсонгүй." 7-р сарын 13: би хардав. хамт байх хугацаандаа нэг ч баяраар хамт байгаагүйдээ уурлав. 7-р сарын 22: төрсөн өдрөөрөөрөө надтай байхыг үл сонгов. шөнө нь ирэх замдаа, ирснийхээ дараа надтай секс хийхийг огт хүсэхгүй байгаагаа хоёр удаа хэлэв. 8-р сарын 12: би цусаар уйлж эхлэв. 8-р сарын 24: "чи яах гэж надтай байсан юм? чи надад хайргүй штээ!" "би чамайг чимдэг. чи хүсээд л хамт байсан биз дээ." 9-р сарын 5: өөр хүний үнэр үнэртүүлж ирэв. 9-р сарын 25: намайг ангийнхандаа эмэгтэй биетэй гэж хэлснээрээ миний амьдрал, оршихуй, тэмцэл, түүнтэй байгаа харилцаа гэх мэтийг бүхэлд нь үгүйсгэсэн байв. би нөжөөр уйлав. 10-р сарын 22: бүрмөсөн салахаар шийдэв. нэг жил хамт амьдарсан хэрнээ надаас ичсээр байдагт нь, надад хайраа мэдрүүлж байгаагүйд нь бүрмөсөн салахаар шийдэв. 11-р сарын 8: бүтэн хоёр өдөр надаас зайгаа барьж, бусад хүмүүстэй цагийг өнгөрөөхийг сонгосонд нь, 9-р сард ангийнхандаа намайг эмэгтэй биетэй гэж бүхэлд минь үгүйсгэснийг нь бодон, уучилшгүй учир бүх юмыг нь цуглуулаад, зодож хөөв. 11-р сарын 16: "надад хайргүй мөртлөө яагаад намайг шимэн шимэн амьдарсан бэ?". хариулт нь чихээ даран "зайл". чихийг нь нээлгэх гэж ноцолдохдоо баахан өшиглүүлэв, сүүлдээ дөрөв тав алгадуулав. "чи надад хайргүй байж яагаад надтай байдаг юм бэ?" хариулт нь "чи хүссэн учир." 11-р сарын 26: салах шийдвэр хэвээр. 12-р сарын 3: амьдралдаа анх удаа 9 цаг хагасын секунд бүр нэг л дугаарлуу залгав. авсангүй. 12-р сарын 18: шөнө надаас холддогоороо холдоод, хөлөөрөө түлхэв. би уйлав. алгадуулав.

хайртай байсан болохоор би түүнтэй хамт байхыг хүссэн, үнэн. түүнийг эхнээсээ л сонгосон, үнэн. хамт байгаад байгаа юм чинь надад хайртай гэж өөрийгөө итгүүлдэг байсан нь ч үнэн. хайртай хүнээсээ байнга сонсдог болсон зүйлс нь харин: "чи мэдрэл муутай", "чи ёроолгүй хар нүх", "чи хайрлуулах эрхгүй, хайрлуулахгүй байгаа чинь үйлийн чинь үр", "чи л надтай амьдрахыг хүсээ биз дээ".

төгсөв.

love, energies, etc.

all we are is energy. all we emanate is also energy. so with love (when it's truly the feeling of love), it is almost palpable because it engulfs you, wraps around you, it's always almost warm. sunny. urgent. when you are loved, you always know that you are loved because their energies never leave you, they are all around you, even when the person is not next to you. when someone truly loves you, you inevitably feel whole and fuzzy, sometimes even too full. love, when it's true, it lulls you into a feeling of safety because you are protected by that invisible but strong shield of energy that will never let any harm come to you. when you are with someone who loves you, and if you're well attuned, you feel their soul movements, their energies. those soul movements come and touch you sometimes as strongly as physical acts (well, yes, i think i've had soul-level intercourse with someone, a few times). love is so strong that you feel their every soul movement and it's almost like it's your own. when love is mutual, you never need to talk. you are finely connected on so many levels that speech is extra. you spend hours just feeling your own and their soul movements. when someone loves you truly, it's beautiful because your energies dance their own dance while you both stay immobilised and utterly entranced with that harmony.

when you are loved, truly, you feel it. because love is energy, and all energy, when it's dense and strong, is tangible.

having done a ritual to reclaim my energies tonight, i will continue it for the next however many days it takes to fully take them all back. for i no longer can afford to be sucked off energetically by someone who treated me so appallingly while claiming to love me. that was NOT love. it was incredible, the lies, the pretenses, the falsehoods... all the while, it was my love that he mistook for his own. no longer. reclamation of energies needs to be accompanied by cleansing of those energies, all i felt from my energy when it came back was this mad anger and restlessness... needs to be cleaned.

i already feel much better. much, much, much better. i should've done it ages ago. stupid me, always believing words, negating my own gut-feeling. no more.

Saturday, December 26, 2015

so much... nothingness

after thirteen and a half months of a relationship that was all about my ex, his feelings, his needs, never mind my feelings, my needs, i am finally free, finally alone just as i felt when i was with him. except now i am truly alone, not lonely (being lonely while in a relationship sucks). the past year and more almost killed me. i survived the void and things that went with it. like being told again and again that i was a bottomless black pit... being told again and again that he never chose me... being told again and again that because i was in love with him, i should do everything for him as he wanted and expected from me... being taken for granted, anything and everything was taken for granted. being always treated like a torso with a hole, not a human being with feelings: they ever counted for anything except for when they were to serve him. hands down, it was the worst relationship of my life. all of us, me included, have a finite numbers of days on this earth, and feeling every single day that one is unloved, misunderstood, misinterpreted, misrepresented, uncared for, embarrassed to be, seen, known to be with, is soul-killing. it's not that he was the worst person, it's just that he was, is, an emotionally disabled human who didn't ever see the fact that he didn't love me. how long could one sustain one's energy levels in that kind of loveless relationship? i felt i'd rather be dead than there. thirteen and a half months was awfully long, no wonder i started to feel dead after awhile. now all i need is to simmer down and get on with my life, with my plans for the next two big life projects that do not involve love or love relationships. so much nothingness could kill even the biggest of souls and hearts. i am grateful i made it alive. no more of no-love. no more pain. just being. just rediscovering my love for life. for now...

Thursday, December 24, 2015

emotional days continue

because facebook wouldn't allow us to merge our LGBT Centre pages, i had downloaded all the pics to upload them to our main page, and i found myself going through years of my life, and feeling emotional again about everything we'd done, are still doing and will continue to do.

last night i did a ritual i hadn't done in ages. i called on the universe to take care of me once again. there have been many wrongs done to me, and i wanted to feel justice. while i was invoking the universal guardians, i felt the top of my head tingle. my message was received and heard, i know. i was the harshest this time around asking for everything to be put right. for most of my life, i have known that spirit guardians followed me and guided me, but never had i asked them anything as fervently as last night, not even in the darkest periods as i'd always managed. but last night was tough. as had been the days following the realisations that i had truly allowed someone unworthy to waste my year and more...

i think we must acknowledge our emotions. see them for what they are, hear them out and still manage to act with some logic, but the past few months, well, many months, they left me in emotional jungle and bewilderment that i couldn't manage in any way. i felt like i was dying. maybe i did die, in some ways. all i know is it's time to mourn and then to die fully. and maybe resurrect. emotional days continue. i wish i felt nothing. i wish i didn't love the way i love. i wish i could be as blatant and untruthful as many souls i encounter in my life. but i am not. people's energies hurt me almost physically. i wish i could blunt myself to all of that, and become blunt, too.

in my 40th year on this earth, i am more than 80% done living, i am aware. i just know like i've always known some things. i guess i have done well enough, i still need to embark truly on 2 big projects of my life, but they will happen, for sure, as everything did happen as it should've, in my life. but that's not what bothers  me. what bothers me is this loveless void that this realm is that continues to kill me. the worst was a year with someone who didn't love me. that void made me yearn for the love i felt in my life, and the only human i'd ever go back to, despite everything - time, space, inability to accept my transition, etc - is someone who gave me all her love, whose love shone through her eyes and soul like beams. of course, i am not going back to anything or anyone, the past is past, but she still does haunt me, in the best way.

i am  almost done living...

emotional days continue.

Sunday, December 20, 2015

knock, knock

who's there?

your boyfriend. the one who took you, your love and devotion for granted for much too long. so long that you thought you'd rather be dead than with me.

who's there?

your boyfriend who wouldn't touch you nicely, privately or publicly for over a year. who claimed my sexuality through misrepresentation of you and your identity to people you will never meet or see. who never cared enough to look into your soul and see love that was giving up on the hope of being seen and reciprocated fully. the one who thought nothing of throwing misguided tantrums while it should've been you, all this while, to do that. who couldn't see you. who will never see you, but my own needs.

who's there?

you know, the one who slaps you so hard your head rings for days, and your lip bleeds. the one who always chose to be somewhere else with other people but you. the one who'd dance away with anyone but you. the one who was always embarrassed to be seen with you, or known to be with you. the one who always chose others, never you.

who's there?

your boyfriend. the one who refused to listen to you at your worst, loneliest moments. why were you lonely anyway? i was there, my physical presence should've been enough even if i didn't love you, or caress you, or make love to you as lovers should.

who's there?

your handsome, lithe, emotionally disabled boyfriend who only saw you as a convenience. i've come again to take what's mine: you shall open your door at 3am and let me in, and i will sleep and leave without a word. you are nothing to me, but a torso with a hole, a bleeding heart that always forgets yourself. i will take it and break it, again and again.

Crowdfunding!

As many of you know, we are doing an online crowdfunding for the first time in the history of the Centre, and it happens to be for the Equa...