Thursday, December 24, 2015

emotional days continue

because facebook wouldn't allow us to merge our LGBT Centre pages, i had downloaded all the pics to upload them to our main page, and i found myself going through years of my life, and feeling emotional again about everything we'd done, are still doing and will continue to do.

last night i did a ritual i hadn't done in ages. i called on the universe to take care of me once again. there have been many wrongs done to me, and i wanted to feel justice. while i was invoking the universal guardians, i felt the top of my head tingle. my message was received and heard, i know. i was the harshest this time around asking for everything to be put right. for most of my life, i have known that spirit guardians followed me and guided me, but never had i asked them anything as fervently as last night, not even in the darkest periods as i'd always managed. but last night was tough. as had been the days following the realisations that i had truly allowed someone unworthy to waste my year and more...

i think we must acknowledge our emotions. see them for what they are, hear them out and still manage to act with some logic, but the past few months, well, many months, they left me in emotional jungle and bewilderment that i couldn't manage in any way. i felt like i was dying. maybe i did die, in some ways. all i know is it's time to mourn and then to die fully. and maybe resurrect. emotional days continue. i wish i felt nothing. i wish i didn't love the way i love. i wish i could be as blatant and untruthful as many souls i encounter in my life. but i am not. people's energies hurt me almost physically. i wish i could blunt myself to all of that, and become blunt, too.

in my 40th year on this earth, i am more than 80% done living, i am aware. i just know like i've always known some things. i guess i have done well enough, i still need to embark truly on 2 big projects of my life, but they will happen, for sure, as everything did happen as it should've, in my life. but that's not what bothers  me. what bothers me is this loveless void that this realm is that continues to kill me. the worst was a year with someone who didn't love me. that void made me yearn for the love i felt in my life, and the only human i'd ever go back to, despite everything - time, space, inability to accept my transition, etc - is someone who gave me all her love, whose love shone through her eyes and soul like beams. of course, i am not going back to anything or anyone, the past is past, but she still does haunt me, in the best way.

i am  almost done living...

emotional days continue.

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