Saturday, December 26, 2015

so much... nothingness

after thirteen and a half months of a relationship that was all about my ex, his feelings, his needs, never mind my feelings, my needs, i am finally free, finally alone just as i felt when i was with him. except now i am truly alone, not lonely (being lonely while in a relationship sucks). the past year and more almost killed me. i survived the void and things that went with it. like being told again and again that i was a bottomless black pit... being told again and again that he never chose me... being told again and again that because i was in love with him, i should do everything for him as he wanted and expected from me... being taken for granted, anything and everything was taken for granted. being always treated like a torso with a hole, not a human being with feelings: they ever counted for anything except for when they were to serve him. hands down, it was the worst relationship of my life. all of us, me included, have a finite numbers of days on this earth, and feeling every single day that one is unloved, misunderstood, misinterpreted, misrepresented, uncared for, embarrassed to be, seen, known to be with, is soul-killing. it's not that he was the worst person, it's just that he was, is, an emotionally disabled human who didn't ever see the fact that he didn't love me. how long could one sustain one's energy levels in that kind of loveless relationship? i felt i'd rather be dead than there. thirteen and a half months was awfully long, no wonder i started to feel dead after awhile. now all i need is to simmer down and get on with my life, with my plans for the next two big life projects that do not involve love or love relationships. so much nothingness could kill even the biggest of souls and hearts. i am grateful i made it alive. no more of no-love. no more pain. just being. just rediscovering my love for life. for now...

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