Friday, June 24, 2016

greed

not material greed, but the greed to make a difference is what drove me all these years, to make sure i leave this place a better one than i found it. honestly, i'm more or less done with that idealism of mine. for years my mom nagged me about loving myself and relaxing, and living for myself. my answer was always unfailing "yes, i am living for myself... and others like me", but the last half a year was a time of burn-out. psychologically and physiologically it's all catching up: my inability to sleep, my failing lungs with asthma attacks now a pretty regular thing, my liver that's no longer even able to filter out the alcohol of two pints of beer, my emotional health that's just so all over the place...  had i had a peaceful relationship, the body part would not have mattered. had i had no relationship, it may have contributed to worsening of my health, for sure. with one difference: i would still be not so burnt out.

the greed, the greed for the better, the greed to see things change faster. the greed to live in a society where i could walk down the street holding my significant other's hand who wouldn't have been ashamed of being seen with me. the greed to make sure we, regardless of whom we love or what we are, a're all happy, without suffering. in all this, i am realising that i've just been the one who may have been carrying too much burden alone for too long. the past year and a half, i had a reprieve: a significant other who believed in the cause as much as i did, who's learning to be a fighter, a gentle fighter, but a fighter worthy of replacing me for his soul, his passion, his compassion. am so proud of him. regardless of what our relationship was, am still so proud of him, the next generation human rights defender. he's as greedy as i am to see the change happen. these coming days he will remember me the way he didn't for the past month and a half, and being reminded what it all, perhaps, was about, at the end of the day. if he does come back to mongolia peaceful, as i am now, it would be wonderful.

time to let go of the greed. time to realise my human limitations, that my body's giving up, that i deserve peace and love, too, as much as everyone else. time to revert to a vulnerable, human state now. and time to say goodbyes.

Thursday, June 23, 2016

location, activities, social networks, etc.

somehow something tells me that ex is updating his Facebook with his present locations and activities, which are worthwhile and laudable, truly, but which he never did while together: lest i demand to be tagged in his posts, i've always suspected, and which he didn't want to do. not to mention that he was always so critical of my time using Facebook which i had to because of work... break up we do, and he's oh so active on his Facebook. cuts me bone-deep every time i realise it was what it was: a relationship where i was something to be ashamed of, a relationship that had to be hidden away. but that's alright. i'm getting closer to peace. with every passing zero day, i remind myself that it's not worth it. that, the way he treated me and our relationship, it just was never worth it in any sense, ever. connecting with one of my exes helped. not to gloat, but i realised again that i was, am indeed a very special soul. one and a half years with someone who didn't see me made me forget, but i was reminded of what i am, of what i was, of what i will still be. every time i'm going through a tough time, exes help me by reminding me that i am still loved. that my essence is still missed and loved greatly by them... we all make our choices, and i've learnt to live with my choices and others'  choices, making the best of all that's there. a perspective, a much needed perspective is being regained. thank you, universe.

Wednesday, June 22, 2016

day zero

from now on, it's day zero. always. the beginning and the end. there will no longer be numbers in these series. only zero.

certain days and holidays i've always associated with some or the other human i have loved in my life. for the longest time, my birthday always reminded me of how my ex-wife decided she would brave the distance/borders to come meet me in japan because she felt she needed to make that leap of faith, a leap that was a precursor to our seven years together, the most meaningful experience on many levels, for me, at least. for the past couple of years, the lunar new year i am often remembering the artist who dragged his first present for me all the way from across the city, first on a bus and then on foot, and stayed with me for a month and a little more. for the past two years, the naadam has been all about my now ex, because that was when i wrote to him with my first and last secret gay account and found a connection i didn't think i would make. of course, i didn't know it was him, but chatting with him by climbing that small hillock in my mother's yard, feeling the buzz of recognition on a soul level, feeling the buzz of excitement in the longest time since march 2014...

day zero. time doesn't exist in the nuclear winter zone. there is no longer anything that would keep the time or be kept by time. day zero will be the end and the beginning.

Tuesday, June 21, 2016

when his fingers reached from across the miles

when his fingers reached from across the miles,
the wind picked up and howled
in the great expanse of an in-land sea,
raged on and on: the cacophony, the fury,
but leaving me be --

in the dark i listened for the cicadas.
i slept for a day afterwards.

when i finally come to,
still undead, though mostly dead,
and crying, bleeding,
you come all noisy, cheerful,
wanting to know who died.

i say "i did".

i tell you what i can about him,
how things were tough,
how things were wrong,
how bad and wrong i was,
what pain felt like,
how days and nights,
i could not see nor feel.

i gush.

"i was married when i was your age",
i say. a trigger -- the past is here still:
been there, done that.
what else is there?

"he'll be happy when i'm dead.
and honestly, me, too."
2016/06/21

Saturday, June 18, 2016

day nine: revelation

he finally admits that the moment i was on the plane, he started something with his so-called first love. who made him feel like shit and nothing, while i did everything to make him feel the special soul he is. who derided him and belittled him, especially his feelings, while all i did was wonder at however he ended up with me. who couldn't bear to spend a few hours with him while i could and did spend eternity in quiet just listening to his breathing. it's fitting he should go back to his first love because now i understand why he was always so jealous of the guy i was in love with prior to meeting him. now it all makes sense. because he still held a torch for erhem, because he didn't love me because his first love was looming too large for him, he thought i did the same for the artist -- but for me, the past is always PAST. my feelings are true for the time they are felt. if only he was true for the past nineteen months... the fact that he never loved me, but still chose to spend a year and a half with me speaks volumes about the sort of person he is. judgement aside, just do not ever do anything like that: it's painful to feel that someone you love with all your heart is an empty shell, because without our true feelings, we are nothing but bodies, shells, and well, as appetising as they are, holding a shell night after night can destroy your soul. as it seems to have destroyed mine...

every moment on this earth i am aware that time's nearing for me to go, that every moment is too important for me to waste. but still he wasted my time, knowing what i know. he didn't manage to waste anything else: never my heart. never my soul.

as tormented as i am, i should be grateful, and i am. for everything.

sitting on the balcony of a hotel, overlooking the great issyk kul, feeling the wind pick up - it's just like being in the open sea - i am reminded that i am nothing. that i will go back to nothingness. that everything will repeat...

the essence, if we learn well, will have taught us well to let us free, to stay free.

Thursday, June 16, 2016

day eight: time, space, shame

in the big scheme of things, what we are is the most minuscule, tiniest grain in the time/space continuum that it's pitiful to think we matter. yet somehow we continue to think so, and perhaps, we do, just not in the ways we imagine ourselves to. all our attachments, all our feelings play a role that one couldn't very well deny: we are anchored, we are etched into the eternal consciousness through them, our feelings, both bad and good.

a month and a few days after the decision was made (you asked for time, i gave you time to only be told that you already made your decision that night you overturned everything and left me laughing hysterically in the dark, exhausted), a few days after another one was made (this one was mostly out of spite, but turning out to stay real and fitting), i am sitting and waiting for the next big revelation, for the crucial insight to help me unravel all that was squeezed into that black hole of the endlessly painful experience that was you and i, and to thus put me on a right course. that i could no longer continue to be treated like i was nothing and no one to you, that you could no longer tolerate me freaking out every time i thought you allowed others to belittle our relationship, because that cut me to the bone reminding me that i was indeed nothing and none to you, that you never anyway planned anything to do with me in your future, that i was sick to death from that callousness that you still adopted while feeling - what? - nothing for me... i could go on, but i won't.

love, when understood differently by different people, is poisonous to mostly one, sometimes both the parties. relationships, which are supposed to be based on love, but which one is or both are finding to be lacking in and its related qualities, turn from joyous to clingy, needy, blind. clinginess doesn't do much for the sexiness. or rationality. good-hearted advice for your next relationship: do try to listen to your significant other, someone you are/will be in a relationship with, try to accommodate what they want because all that lovers want is simple: for their love to be acknowledged, for their relationship to be first and foremost. not your friendships, nor your friends that you put ahead. failing to do that you will have another monster on your hands. however blind, clingy, needy and ultimately destructive i may have been, i will have never broken your spirit. you might not be so lucky next time.

relationships, where constant, well-grounded questioning of love take place, are doomed to end. when they do, they liberate the party that didn't love, but condemn the party that did. it condemns the party that loved to a deep shame for all the acts one did to elicit more or less acceptable levels of feelings, reciprocation in the love and the relationship. i am in shame. in the deepest shame about the desperation that guided my daily reality for a year and a half, about the acceptance of the unacceptable, about the imposition of the unacceptable (all done in full trust you wanted it, too, but which, as we now both know, you didn't). we, mongolians, say "shame someone, they will kill." they are so right. still, the easiest murder is of self.

Wednesday, June 15, 2016

Орландо дах эмгэнэл ба монголчууд

Би тийм лаг сэтгэгч, нийгмийн комментатор, интеллигенцэд хамаарах хүн биш ээ. Гэхдээ би оюун ухаантай хүн. Ертөнц, юмс үзэгдлийг хараад ухдаг хүн. Асуулт тавьдаг хүн. Юуг ч сохроор хүлээн зөвшөөрдөггүй хүн. Балиар өөнтөгч, юмны цоорхойг олж хардаг хүн. Монголчуудын зарим илэрхийллийн тухай бичих цаг болсон санагдаад үүнийг бичлээ. Өнгөрсөн 2 хоног миний ахан дүүс дэлхий даяар эмгэнэж, бул чулуу болсон зүрхтэй би ч нэг күийр хүний бичсэн зүйлийг хараад уйлахдаа үүнийг бодож сууснаа түрүүн буулгалаа.

Хамгийн их гомофобийн үйлдлийг өөрсдийгөө хүлээн зөвшөөрч чаддаггүй ижил хүйсийн бэлгийн чиг баримжаатай хүмүүс үйлддэг. Холбоосыг нь хавсаргасан нийтлэлд Омаар Матийн өнгөрсөн 3 жилд доод тал нь 12 удаа Орландогийн "Палс" орж байсан ба Грайндэраар гей залуучуудтай сээтэгнэдэг, "Палс" орох болгондоо хэтрүүлэн уудаг байсан тухай нэлээн хэдэн гэрчүүд ярьсан тухай бичжээ.

Стрэйт хүмүүсийн хувьд ЛГБ хүмүүс бие биеэ хайрлаад явах үнэхээр асуудалгүй, тэдэнд үнэндээ хамаагүй зүйл. Харин өөрсдийгөө хүлээн зөвшөөрч чаддаггүй ЛГБ хүмүүсийг хэн яаж ямар гээчийн мангас болгодог тухай сайн бод, бод, бод. Шашны хэт туйлшрал гэдэг аймшигтай зүйл. Монголд ч мөн л ЛГБТ хүмүүсийг "Ал, тонилго" гэх мэтчилэн турхирч, үзэн ядаж буй байдал нь загалмайтны төрлийн шашнуудын хэт туйлшралын үр дүн. Юмыг ухаж ойлгодоггүй, залхуу хүмүүс үүнийг харин бүх монголчуудын хандлага гэж харах. Бид сошиал ертөнц, мэдээний сайтуудын комментоор харж байгаа зүйлс бол үнэндээ хаа газар "эзний хайр" нэрээр ГОМОФОБИ, ТРАНСФОБИЙГ түгээж буй буддаас бусад шашнуудын үр дүн шүү, үүнийг бүү март, бүү март, бүү март. Омаарыг аав нь гей гэдгийг нь хүлээн зөвшөөрдөг байсан бол хэзээ ч энэ эмгэнэл үүсэхгүй байсан юм шүү.

Монголчууд уужуу тайван, хүнийг хүнээр нь хүлээж авдаг ард түмэн байсан, одоо ч тиймд нь би итгэдэг. Хэзээ ч хэнийг ч алах сэтгэхүйтэй байгаагүй. Уламжлалараа. Уламжлалаараа бид ямар ард түмэн байсан бэ? Бид цөөхүүлээ, бүлээрээ малын буяныг даган, нүүдэллэн амьдардаг байсан ард түмэн. Бараг л микро-нийгэм. Микро-нийгэмд хүн бүр хоорондоо садан төрлийн холбоотой, хар багаас нь бие биеэ таньдаг, орон зайн хувьд хол ч, сэтгэлээр ойр, дээр нь мал аж ахуй эрхлэхтэй холбоотойгоор "хүн дутна гэхээс илүүдэхгүй" ("хүн нэмбэл хүнс нэмнэ" гэдэг үг үнэндээ мал ахуйгаа маллах хүн нэгээр нэмэгдэх учир мал мөн сайн арчилгаатай, үржиж өснө гэсэн сэтгэхүйгээс үүдэлтэй) сэтгэлгээтэй байсан. Ийм микро-нийгмийн нөхцөлд БҮГД ХЭРЭГТЭЙ. Ийм нөхцөлд хэзээ ч бие биеэ илүү харж, доромжилж, хэнийг хайрлаж байгаагаар нь үгүйсгэхгүй. ЛГБТ хүмүүс бид хар багаасаа л жоохон өөр байдаг учир үүнийг нь анзаарч, бөө, удгана болгох, шарын шашин дэлгэрснээс хойш сүмд шавилуулах хандлагатай байсан гэх таамаглал надад байдаг. Ямартаа ч биднийг ЛГБТ байлаа гээд нүүдэлчин, микро-нийгмийн нөхцөлд хэзээ ч бөөрөлхөж байгаагүй. Харин 1960-аад оноос хойш хотжилт, аж үйлдвэржилт ихсэн, орон зайн хувьд ойрхон ч сэтгэлийн хувьд хол амьдрах болсон үйл явцын дунд хүн хүндээ хамаагүй болох эхний суурь нь тавигдан, 1990-ээд онд хүчирхийллийг энгийн зүйл хэмээн итгэгчиддээ итгүүлж эхэлсэн сүм, шашны урсгалууд орж ирсэн. Харин одоо... хаашаа л харна уу, ЛГБТ хүмүүсийн талаар мэдээ бичих төдийд л доод талд нь "Ал, устга, хомроглон хөнөө". Хэний юуны буян бэ? БОД БОД БОД. Ийм зүйлс бичигдэж, энд тэнд харагдаж байгаа нь буддаас бусад бүх Монголд шинээр орж ирсэн шашны өнгөрсөн 25 жилийн "гайхамшиг".

Би хүмүүсийн итгэл үнэмшлийг буруутгах гэсэнгүй. Гэхдээ загалмайтан, лал, иудейн шашнууд хоорондоо маш адилхан. Хэт туйлшрагсад нь бүгд ЛГБТ хүмүүсийг үздэггүй. Монголд ямар олон ЛГБТ загалмайтан итгэгсэд өдөр бүр, сүмдээ явах тоолондоо "Би орших эрхгүй юм байна, миний хайрлаж байгаа нүгэл юм байна, би юу ч биш юм байна, би хэрэггүй юм байна" гэсэн мессежийг авч байгаа гээч? Дэндүү олон. ҮЗЭН ЯДАЛТАА БОЛИОЧ ЭЭ. ТИЙМ Л ИХ УЛАМЖЛАЛ, ЗАН ЗАНШИЛ ЯРИХ ДУРТАЙ ЮМ БОЛ МЭДЛЭГ МЭДЭЭЛЭЛ ДЭЭР ҮНДЭСЛЭЖ ЦЭЭЖЭЭ ДЭЛДЭЭЧ ЭЭ. ОЮУН УХААНТАЙ ХҮН ЮМ БОЛ ТАРХИАРАА ДҮН ШИНЖИЛГЭЭ ХИЙГЭЭЧ ЭЭ.

Monday, June 13, 2016

day five

there are no truly personal relationships. we are all in the public domain. especially the ones working on visibility: we have got to be visible ourselves, it's a must, a pre-condition, even. very little do people know that this publicness burns you out, especially as it did in my context...

to be constantly reminded that i'm different, that my body's different - although, god knows, everyone is different and every body is different - is something we had to live with for a year and a half. under merciless taunts of sorry specimen of humanity, we withstood the barrage of vile words, vile notions, wilful misgendering and perpetual judgement. none saw into my soul as i saw into mine, or as you saw into mine, but all thought they knew better than us... the vileness of it all.

while our relationship was all too real, you let others treat our relationship as a joke by your actions, omissions, half-truths and implied knowledge. i understood, chose to understand, that it was because i  have been a very public person, that you were not ready to be thrown to the jackals. still, looking back, i was absent in your daily interactions. i was an invisible entity, a sort of a fairy tale, perhaps, a figment of imagination only. why else would your first love's best friend call you incessantly a few times until, in my annoyance, i asked her why she was calling my boyfriend after midnight and she had nothing to say, only a shocked silence and then anger since i dared to call upon her indecent behaviour. had she had respect for our relationship, had you made her see that for you this was a true relationship, she would never have behaved that way - you see, how you behave informs others' choices of behaviour with you or about your relationships.

so i am a joke. i am a half-bodied joke, to majority of people who never got the fact that i am only embodying what i have always felt inside and desired to be on the outside. when your life, your body, your relationship becomes a routine of people's idle chit-chat, guess-work, wildly incorrect imaginings, one just feels... empty. especially when those have had a huge impact on your relationship with your significant other. especially when those have complicated your relationships with the loved ones.

one day when i let you go, i will also be letting go of many hurts that came into my life because of my relationship with you. and the pains of a year and a half, the derision, the denial, the nasty cackling of ignorant people will be left behind.

soon.

day four


as to entertain myself, i brought the books i hadn't had the time or the wits to read since you-know-when. i fell asleep last night to the gentle drumming of droplets outside and of words in my ears -- a collection of poems by ayurzana. realising, as he must have right at the time he was penning these words down, that all i am now holding in my chest are regrets instead of hopes.

'one must never regret anything in life' has been my motto, for the most part of my life. for the most part, i had lived up to my promise of leaving clean slate behind, no regrets, no wrongdoings, no partially eaten words or deeds. somehow this time, these days all i've been doing is to eat my words. all i've been doing is to swallow them before they came rushing out of my mouth, leaving uncrossable ravines of sheer truth behind. hence, energetically speaking, asthma. when you can't say what you feel or think, you inevitably begin to suffer from some or the other sort of lung or throat problems. regrets about the words i said, though, are greater than pains of having to swallow them and thus suffer from suffocation.

as a parting surprise, i let you read the first, very sketchy draft of the play i had worked on for two days a couple of weeks ago. you recognised me, but you didn't recognise yourself. you were, are all the people i've ever loved. you were, are all the people i had ever treasured. the feelings, no matter who they were for, remained diamond-sharp, cutting my insides and bleeding me dry all the time. the feelings of love never change from person-to-person: the same longing, desire, and inability to let go. even if that's all i want, for the sake of my sanity. instead of sanity and staying away from people, i had to mingle in the social world again and again, and continued to find people who kept amazing me by the capacity of my own insufferable feelings of love and in some cases, obsessions. hats off to you all. you never recognised yourself, but i always did.

regrets are a waste of effort. a waste of life. i chose to move ahead without regrets. still, no matter my personal efforts to leave no stone unturned, no corner unlit, i had regrets. not because of my own doing, but because of others' choices. as it is with us. regrets i have many. and no hopes.

Saturday, June 11, 2016

day two and three

anyone who says that love is painless, or that its beginning is the ending of suffering, is a fool. if anything, love is the beginning of suffering. whether you ever planned for it, or not. with love, one simply doesn’t plan. love is, love happens, and all that comes with it is beyond anyone’s control. sometimes, love can crush our souls with the longing, and when that longing is denied, love can turn us into monsters.

i remember the first day i saw you, as preoccupied with the guy i was in love with at the time. long flowing hair and beautiful eyes and smile that was so open. you asked me the directions to the venue where we were exhibiting the entries of our first IDAHOT competition taking place in about 10 days. you knew who i was. i didn’t feel shy that you knew me as it was at hanzo, and everybody knew me there, as much as i knew everyone there, or in the community. i simply presumed you were a straight ally because i never ran into you during the hundreds of times community events and parties (little did i know that you'd been out and about since fifteen). a few months later we began seeing each other after i made a decision to no longer hurt myself over the artist who overtook my world by storm and never accepted me for who i was: a lovely, down-to-earth, passionate where needed, guy. when we began dating, we spent a few evenings at my place, with lucy getting to know you, immediately accepting you, and with your head often found on my lap. i was ecstatic. after years of people not seeing me for who i was, no matter how well it became externalised with my voice and my facial hair, i still got a brutal denial of my identity and feelings. never from you, not even the one time you hurt me with your words about my body months later. your immediate acceptance of my whole being was… so new that it threw me off, caught me off-balance and falling in love with your inner and outer beauty. you were, still are the bravest of the souls, souls that see truly.

i remember the times when it was getting hard. the times we began cohabiting in that tiny apartment, with lucy by our sides, were months of joy. wide-eyed, disbelieving-at-my-own-luck, passionate months. which turned into wanting more and deeper from my side, but still groping-for-the-ground for you. no wonder, i was your first boyfriend. i was your first proper relationship. and you will have many more beautiful relationships.

i remember the times a year ago it all turned into hell. by then i had asked you to marry me and heard “i’m too young to think about settling down” a few times. by then i began questioning your feelings and motives of being with me if you couldn’t, didn’t want the future with me. i remember the times a year ago i began turning into a monster. monsters dwell inside us and come out when we thought they are gone.

every time i saw you, i gasped. at your grace, at your soul, at your beauty. every time i see you, now, that gasp is also a rasp of pain. a pain so deep that it overpowers all my rationality. love is pain.

Thursday, June 9, 2016

day one

memories... they bring bittersweet madness. i go mad thinking of you. i am mad.

it's gone now. you're gone. as i will be soon. but...

... the tilt of your head as you look over your shoulders, your eyes, your body - serene, happy. i kiss your shoulder blades and all over your back. kissing you makes me heady. i am always drunk on you. my hands, my arms clasp you with all my might as i push against you, my body kissing yours, your body responding, pushing back... 

i love you.

body, soul and mind. my first and only relationship i was fully there.

my one and only. my first, my last. my all.

Wednesday, June 8, 2016

баяртай

багтарч үхтлээ уурлах, уурлаад үхэхийг хүсэх. уур мэдэрч байснаас үхсэн минь дээр. уурлаж, хүмүүсийг ямар нэгэн байдлаар (үг үйлдлээр) хохироож байснаас үхсэн минь дээр. 

уржигдар бодсоор бодсоор удаан бодсон нэг зүйл дээрээ шийдвэр гаргасан. одоо эргэлт буцалтгүй. би хульчгар хүн биш ч үнэндээ л хүнд хүн. маш хүнд хүн. шийдвэртээ үнэнч зогсдог. харин одоо бүх зүйл хангалттай санагдах. өрөвдөх хайрлах хүн үлдээгүй ээ. одоо жинхэнээсээ амиа бодьё. амиа бодох минь үнэн саак төрхтэй. өөрөө ч цочирдмоор саак. сар хагасын дараа, нэлээд зүйлийг амжуулчаад хүрэх газраа хүрнэ. 

хүрэх газар минь дахиад л намайг энэ хувь заяа төөргөөр явуулна. гэхдээ энд л биш. одоо л биш. арай дээр байх байх. 

баяртай. хүн төрөл олно гэдэг... гайхамшигтай сайхан бас хүнд үйл. 

Friday, June 3, 2016

lucky, i am that

looking back on everything in my life, i am, ever again, consoled in the knowledge that everything was as it was supposed to be. that i was lucky. there were, surely, times i thought i was the unluckiest dude in the world, but those times were over twelve years ago.

even looking at my last relationship, i know i'm lucky despite the fact that there were so many misunderstandings, wilful and deliberate, towards the end, but accidental at the beginning. which were turned to the deliberate as things went south.

looking at myself, i have nothing to really be happy with, not with the state of matters right now where my boyfriend left me because he claimed he needed to figure things out and then turned out to be already dating others, in most probability his first love that turned out in mongolia suddenly. or that he is obviously dating more than one someone. regardless, i am still lucky. i could never be ungrateful for every bit of love i was given in my lifetime especially when i was dying for the lack of love.

lucky, i so am that.

can't wait till september so i can finally start putting together all my writing of the last however many years into two books. and my exes figure greatly in those. with all my love, even if it was misconstrued as lack thereof.

Crowdfunding!

As many of you know, we are doing an online crowdfunding for the first time in the history of the Centre, and it happens to be for the Equa...