Thursday, June 16, 2016

day eight: time, space, shame

in the big scheme of things, what we are is the most minuscule, tiniest grain in the time/space continuum that it's pitiful to think we matter. yet somehow we continue to think so, and perhaps, we do, just not in the ways we imagine ourselves to. all our attachments, all our feelings play a role that one couldn't very well deny: we are anchored, we are etched into the eternal consciousness through them, our feelings, both bad and good.

a month and a few days after the decision was made (you asked for time, i gave you time to only be told that you already made your decision that night you overturned everything and left me laughing hysterically in the dark, exhausted), a few days after another one was made (this one was mostly out of spite, but turning out to stay real and fitting), i am sitting and waiting for the next big revelation, for the crucial insight to help me unravel all that was squeezed into that black hole of the endlessly painful experience that was you and i, and to thus put me on a right course. that i could no longer continue to be treated like i was nothing and no one to you, that you could no longer tolerate me freaking out every time i thought you allowed others to belittle our relationship, because that cut me to the bone reminding me that i was indeed nothing and none to you, that you never anyway planned anything to do with me in your future, that i was sick to death from that callousness that you still adopted while feeling - what? - nothing for me... i could go on, but i won't.

love, when understood differently by different people, is poisonous to mostly one, sometimes both the parties. relationships, which are supposed to be based on love, but which one is or both are finding to be lacking in and its related qualities, turn from joyous to clingy, needy, blind. clinginess doesn't do much for the sexiness. or rationality. good-hearted advice for your next relationship: do try to listen to your significant other, someone you are/will be in a relationship with, try to accommodate what they want because all that lovers want is simple: for their love to be acknowledged, for their relationship to be first and foremost. not your friendships, nor your friends that you put ahead. failing to do that you will have another monster on your hands. however blind, clingy, needy and ultimately destructive i may have been, i will have never broken your spirit. you might not be so lucky next time.

relationships, where constant, well-grounded questioning of love take place, are doomed to end. when they do, they liberate the party that didn't love, but condemn the party that did. it condemns the party that loved to a deep shame for all the acts one did to elicit more or less acceptable levels of feelings, reciprocation in the love and the relationship. i am in shame. in the deepest shame about the desperation that guided my daily reality for a year and a half, about the acceptance of the unacceptable, about the imposition of the unacceptable (all done in full trust you wanted it, too, but which, as we now both know, you didn't). we, mongolians, say "shame someone, they will kill." they are so right. still, the easiest murder is of self.

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