Monday, June 13, 2016

day five

there are no truly personal relationships. we are all in the public domain. especially the ones working on visibility: we have got to be visible ourselves, it's a must, a pre-condition, even. very little do people know that this publicness burns you out, especially as it did in my context...

to be constantly reminded that i'm different, that my body's different - although, god knows, everyone is different and every body is different - is something we had to live with for a year and a half. under merciless taunts of sorry specimen of humanity, we withstood the barrage of vile words, vile notions, wilful misgendering and perpetual judgement. none saw into my soul as i saw into mine, or as you saw into mine, but all thought they knew better than us... the vileness of it all.

while our relationship was all too real, you let others treat our relationship as a joke by your actions, omissions, half-truths and implied knowledge. i understood, chose to understand, that it was because i  have been a very public person, that you were not ready to be thrown to the jackals. still, looking back, i was absent in your daily interactions. i was an invisible entity, a sort of a fairy tale, perhaps, a figment of imagination only. why else would your first love's best friend call you incessantly a few times until, in my annoyance, i asked her why she was calling my boyfriend after midnight and she had nothing to say, only a shocked silence and then anger since i dared to call upon her indecent behaviour. had she had respect for our relationship, had you made her see that for you this was a true relationship, she would never have behaved that way - you see, how you behave informs others' choices of behaviour with you or about your relationships.

so i am a joke. i am a half-bodied joke, to majority of people who never got the fact that i am only embodying what i have always felt inside and desired to be on the outside. when your life, your body, your relationship becomes a routine of people's idle chit-chat, guess-work, wildly incorrect imaginings, one just feels... empty. especially when those have had a huge impact on your relationship with your significant other. especially when those have complicated your relationships with the loved ones.

one day when i let you go, i will also be letting go of many hurts that came into my life because of my relationship with you. and the pains of a year and a half, the derision, the denial, the nasty cackling of ignorant people will be left behind.


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