Monday, June 13, 2016

day four


as to entertain myself, i brought the books i hadn't had the time or the wits to read since you-know-when. i fell asleep last night to the gentle drumming of droplets outside and of words in my ears -- a collection of poems by ayurzana. realising, as he must have right at the time he was penning these words down, that all i am now holding in my chest are regrets instead of hopes.

'one must never regret anything in life' has been my motto, for the most part of my life. for the most part, i had lived up to my promise of leaving clean slate behind, no regrets, no wrongdoings, no partially eaten words or deeds. somehow this time, these days all i've been doing is to eat my words. all i've been doing is to swallow them before they came rushing out of my mouth, leaving uncrossable ravines of sheer truth behind. hence, energetically speaking, asthma. when you can't say what you feel or think, you inevitably begin to suffer from some or the other sort of lung or throat problems. regrets about the words i said, though, are greater than pains of having to swallow them and thus suffer from suffocation.

as a parting surprise, i let you read the first, very sketchy draft of the play i had worked on for two days a couple of weeks ago. you recognised me, but you didn't recognise yourself. you were, are all the people i've ever loved. you were, are all the people i had ever treasured. the feelings, no matter who they were for, remained diamond-sharp, cutting my insides and bleeding me dry all the time. the feelings of love never change from person-to-person: the same longing, desire, and inability to let go. even if that's all i want, for the sake of my sanity. instead of sanity and staying away from people, i had to mingle in the social world again and again, and continued to find people who kept amazing me by the capacity of my own insufferable feelings of love and in some cases, obsessions. hats off to you all. you never recognised yourself, but i always did.

regrets are a waste of effort. a waste of life. i chose to move ahead without regrets. still, no matter my personal efforts to leave no stone unturned, no corner unlit, i had regrets. not because of my own doing, but because of others' choices. as it is with us. regrets i have many. and no hopes.

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