Saturday, June 18, 2016

day nine: revelation

he finally admits that the moment i was on the plane, he started something with his so-called first love. who made him feel like shit and nothing, while i did everything to make him feel the special soul he is. who derided him and belittled him, especially his feelings, while all i did was wonder at however he ended up with me. who couldn't bear to spend a few hours with him while i could and did spend eternity in quiet just listening to his breathing. it's fitting he should go back to his first love because now i understand why he was always so jealous of the guy i was in love with prior to meeting him. now it all makes sense. because he still held a torch for erhem, because he didn't love me because his first love was looming too large for him, he thought i did the same for the artist -- but for me, the past is always PAST. my feelings are true for the time they are felt. if only he was true for the past nineteen months... the fact that he never loved me, but still chose to spend a year and a half with me speaks volumes about the sort of person he is. judgement aside, just do not ever do anything like that: it's painful to feel that someone you love with all your heart is an empty shell, because without our true feelings, we are nothing but bodies, shells, and well, as appetising as they are, holding a shell night after night can destroy your soul. as it seems to have destroyed mine...

every moment on this earth i am aware that time's nearing for me to go, that every moment is too important for me to waste. but still he wasted my time, knowing what i know. he didn't manage to waste anything else: never my heart. never my soul.

as tormented as i am, i should be grateful, and i am. for everything.

sitting on the balcony of a hotel, overlooking the great issyk kul, feeling the wind pick up - it's just like being in the open sea - i am reminded that i am nothing. that i will go back to nothingness. that everything will repeat...

the essence, if we learn well, will have taught us well to let us free, to stay free.

No comments:

Post a Comment

Бусдын эрхэд халдсан утга агуулга бүхий комментуудыг хэвлэхгүй болно.

put on a face

put on a face                      a brave face, a dead face put on a face and go. put on a face                       a kind face, a br...