Saturday, June 11, 2016

day two and three

anyone who says that love is painless, or that its beginning is the ending of suffering, is a fool. if anything, love is the beginning of suffering. whether you ever planned for it, or not. with love, one simply doesn’t plan. love is, love happens, and all that comes with it is beyond anyone’s control. sometimes, love can crush our souls with the longing, and when that longing is denied, love can turn us into monsters.

i remember the first day i saw you, as preoccupied with the guy i was in love with at the time. long flowing hair and beautiful eyes and smile that was so open. you asked me the directions to the venue where we were exhibiting the entries of our first IDAHOT competition taking place in about 10 days. you knew who i was. i didn’t feel shy that you knew me as it was at hanzo, and everybody knew me there, as much as i knew everyone there, or in the community. i simply presumed you were a straight ally because i never ran into you during the hundreds of times community events and parties (little did i know that you'd been out and about since fifteen). a few months later we began seeing each other after i made a decision to no longer hurt myself over the artist who overtook my world by storm and never accepted me for who i was: a lovely, down-to-earth, passionate where needed, guy. when we began dating, we spent a few evenings at my place, with lucy getting to know you, immediately accepting you, and with your head often found on my lap. i was ecstatic. after years of people not seeing me for who i was, no matter how well it became externalised with my voice and my facial hair, i still got a brutal denial of my identity and feelings. never from you, not even the one time you hurt me with your words about my body months later. your immediate acceptance of my whole being was… so new that it threw me off, caught me off-balance and falling in love with your inner and outer beauty. you were, still are the bravest of the souls, souls that see truly.

i remember the times when it was getting hard. the times we began cohabiting in that tiny apartment, with lucy by our sides, were months of joy. wide-eyed, disbelieving-at-my-own-luck, passionate months. which turned into wanting more and deeper from my side, but still groping-for-the-ground for you. no wonder, i was your first boyfriend. i was your first proper relationship. and you will have many more beautiful relationships.

i remember the times a year ago it all turned into hell. by then i had asked you to marry me and heard “i’m too young to think about settling down” a few times. by then i began questioning your feelings and motives of being with me if you couldn’t, didn’t want the future with me. i remember the times a year ago i began turning into a monster. monsters dwell inside us and come out when we thought they are gone.

every time i saw you, i gasped. at your grace, at your soul, at your beauty. every time i see you, now, that gasp is also a rasp of pain. a pain so deep that it overpowers all my rationality. love is pain.

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