Friday, June 24, 2016

greed

not material greed, but the greed to make a difference is what drove me all these years, to make sure i leave this place a better one than i found it. honestly, i'm more or less done with that idealism of mine. for years my mom nagged me about loving myself and relaxing, and living for myself. my answer was always unfailing "yes, i am living for myself... and others like me", but the last half a year was a time of burn-out. psychologically and physiologically it's all catching up: my inability to sleep, my failing lungs with asthma attacks now a pretty regular thing, my liver that's no longer even able to filter out the alcohol of two pints of beer, my emotional health that's just so all over the place...  had i had a peaceful relationship, the body part would not have mattered. had i had no relationship, it may have contributed to worsening of my health, for sure. with one difference: i would still be not so burnt out.

the greed, the greed for the better, the greed to see things change faster. the greed to live in a society where i could walk down the street holding my significant other's hand who wouldn't have been ashamed of being seen with me. the greed to make sure we, regardless of whom we love or what we are, a're all happy, without suffering. in all this, i am realising that i've just been the one who may have been carrying too much burden alone for too long. the past year and a half, i had a reprieve: a significant other who believed in the cause as much as i did, who's learning to be a fighter, a gentle fighter, but a fighter worthy of replacing me for his soul, his passion, his compassion. am so proud of him. regardless of what our relationship was, am still so proud of him, the next generation human rights defender. he's as greedy as i am to see the change happen. these coming days he will remember me the way he didn't for the past month and a half, and being reminded what it all, perhaps, was about, at the end of the day. if he does come back to mongolia peaceful, as i am now, it would be wonderful.

time to let go of the greed. time to realise my human limitations, that my body's giving up, that i deserve peace and love, too, as much as everyone else. time to revert to a vulnerable, human state now. and time to say goodbyes.

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